Transcript for Podcast: "I Feel Snitty," Episode 4: "Jake Tapper: The Least Trusted Name in Debates"
Podcast: "I Feel Snitty"
Episode 4: "Jake Tapper: The Least Trusted Name in Debates"
Premiere Date: 8/6/19
Length: 9:40 (1,608 words)
Link: https://ifeelsnitty.podbean.com/e/jake-tapper-the-least-trusted-name-in-debates/
Transcript:
Welcome to I Feel Snitty. I’m your host, Craig Rozniecki. For today’s episode, I’m going to switch things up a little bit. Last week’s CNN debates were so poorly run, I felt the need to satirize it in skit form.
I suffered from a serious case of déjà vu last Tuesday and Wednesday night. In a 2015 CNN Republican primary debate, moderator Jake Tapper seemed more intent on provoking spats and drama than on helping educate the public on who the candidates were and what they stood for. Well, the same thing occurred last week in the Democratic debates, as the debates became more about the moderators than the actual candidates. Due to that, I feel like CNN should be called out on their epic fail from last week. I now bring to you my From Snark to Finish segment of the week - a satirical reenactment of Tuesday night’s debate…
Tapper: “Welcome to the debut episode of Pick a Fight here on CNN. I’m your host, Jake Tapper. Oh, I’m sorry. I read that wrong. Welcome to the 2nd round of Democratic debates, night one. We’ll start tonight by listening to every candidate give us their opening statements, starting with Steve Bullock. Mr. Bullock, go ahead…
Bullock: “Thank you. For everyone that doesn’t know me, I’m the governor of a red state in Montana. If I can win a red state whose abbreviation is MT for a reason, I can beat Donald Trump in the 2020 election. Far out. I’m Steve Bullock and I like approve this message.”
Tapper: “Marianne Williamson, you’re up…”
Williamson: “Jake, not only am I going to thank you like the guy before me did, I’m going to go deeper. Like really deep. So deep. Jake, I love you. I love you like a lava lamp loves Jerry Garcia. My love for you is stronger than a big, beautiful Southern border wall. Jake…”
Tapper: “…and your time is up. Next we have John Delaney. John?”
Delaney: “I’ve only got one thing to say. I’m right and everybody else is wrong. You’re wrong. You’re wrong. You’re wrong. You’re wrong. You’re wrong. You’re wrong…”
Tapper: “Thank you, Mr. Delaney. Tim Ryan, you’re on the clock.”
Ryan: “I want you all to know something about me. My name is Tim Ryan. Everyone repeat after me: ‘Tim… Ryan… That’s my name.’ ‘TIM! RYAN! THAT’S MY NAME!’ No, that’s my name, not your name. When you see this face, think your name. I mean, think Tim Ryan.”
Tapper: “John Hickenlooper, you now have the floor.”
Hickenlooper: “Most people know me as being an optimistic person. Outside of the doctor’s office, I’m called Mr. Positive. One thing I’m 100% positive about is we’re all gonna die. I am the only candidate who will make your death less deadly. Remember… Mr. Positive. You’re all gonna die. Hickenlooper 2020.”
Tapper: “Amy Klobuchar, is there anything you’d like to say?”
Klobuchar: “F’in A right, there is! The only thing you need to know about me is that I’m a Midwestern girl, with Midwestern values, living in the Midwest. I eat, drink, sleep, wear clothes when out in public, enjoy the music, like bread and butter and talking about it, and all that shit.”
Tapper: “Senor O’Rourke, do you want to hablas?”
O’Rourke: “Oui, Jake. Oui, oui. What our main focus as a party should be is defeating Donald Trump. I’m just the person to do that. I almost beat Ted Cruz in the state of Texas, and if we win Texas and its 38 electoral votes, we win the election. I mean, if we can’t trust the candidate who achieved the most impressive Democratic loss in history to defeat Donald Trump, who can we trust?”
Tapper: “Mayor Pete Buttigieg, go…”
Buttigieg: “What’s everyone looking at? My eyes are right here. Please just ignore the gnat on my forehead and listen to the words coming out of my mouth. Can’t do it? Fine. Just remember, I put my life on the line in battle overseas in order to give you the right to stare at this gnat on my forehead. You’re welcome.”
Tapper: “Senator Elizabeth Warren…”
Warren: “Some other candidates have plans, but not like mine. They just have rough ideas. I have specific plans. Not even just one set of plans. I have cubed plans. No, these don’t have anything to do with ice or those funny looking cars. I have plans of plans of plans. Go ahead, ask me about one of these cubed plans, and I’ll get into every last detail. Before you do, just make sure you set aside 12 hours.”
Tapper: “…and lastly, Senator Bernie Sanders.”
Sanders: “Thank you, Jake, and thank you, America. If you don’t know what I’m about to say, you haven’t been paying attention. I’ve said the same thing every night, underneath a giant ceiling mirror, for the past 87 years, or however long I’ve been here. So, listen up, buttercups, because I’m not gonna be stopping tonight.”
Tapper: “Thank you to all our candidates for their opening statements. Now let’s move onto the questions. Senator Sanders, it’s being said that Senator Warren’s cousin’s neighbor’s college roommate’s mother’s second fiancée once called you a socialist Marxist ugly grandpa commie. Do you have a response?”
Sanders: “Yes, I do, Jake. Sir, ma’am, whoever you are? You’re stupid. Next question.”
Tapper: “Senator Warren, I just created an account on a far right-wing website. My first post, under the username FakeIndianPocahontas was, ‘Elizabeth Warren isn’t Indian. She doesn’t even look Indian.’ Do you care to respond?”
Warren: “Yeah, here’s my response. What the hell is wrong with you? Let me tell you something, Jake - by the end of this debate, I’m gonna have a plan for you, and you’re not going to like it!”
Tapper: “Mayor Pete, how does it feel being gay? Asking for a friend. His name is Jake, but I call him JT.”
Buttigieg: “Well, you be sure to tell JT that I’m perfectly content and comfortable with my sexuality. Ask him, ‘How does it feel being a jackass?’”
Tapper: “Why are you calling me a jackass?”
Buttigieg: “I’m not calling you a jackass. I’m calling JT a jackass.”
Tapper: “But JT is… Nevermind. Moving on… Now, Beto, I’m misquoting here, but John Delaney called you a ‘mentally challenged human bobblehead.’ How do you respond?”
O’Rourke: “No bueno. Very no bueno.”
Tapper: “That’s it? I busted out a beer and some popcorn for this. Give me more, man.”
O’Rourke: “Gracias pero no gracias.”
Tapper: “Well, crap. Ms. Klobuchar, you often proudly call yourself a Midwesterner. What’s the thing you hate most about the Midwest?”
Klobuchar: “Absolutely nothing, Jake.”
Tapper: “Come on… There has to be at least one thing that drives you crazy about the area. Nobody’s watching. This is just between you and me.”
Klobuchar: “You’re probably right that no one’s watching. This is CNN after all…”
Tapper: “Hey, no reason to get nasty. Hot damn! Governor Hickeyscooper…”
Hickenlooper: “That’s Hickenlooper.”
Tapper: “Yeah, Governor Lickenhooper…”
Hickenlooper: “Again, Hickenlooper. Get on with it! What’s your question?”
Tapper: “I’m sorry. Your time is up.”
Hickenlooper: “Hey, that’s not fair! You didn’t even ask me a question!”
Tapper: “Thank you, Governor Lackeytrooper.”
Hickenlooper: “But…”
Tapper: “I said thank you, Governor Happenlicker. Mr. Ryan, how do you respond?”
Ryan: “To what?”
Tapper: “Whatever”
Ryan: “So what’s the question?”
Tapper: “Whatever you want it to be.”
Ryan: “I don’t understand what you’re trying to do here.”
Tapper: “Good. Mr. Delaney, in a future issue of the National Enquirer, I think you’re going to be on the cover, because of an alien abducting and probing you, before telling you, ‘You’re one of us!’ Your response?”
Delaney: “What kind of a question is that? Anyway, Senator Warren is crazy.”
Tapper: “But what about the aliens?”
Delaney: “What about them? Fine, maybe Senator Warren is an alien.”
Tapper: “Ooh, now we’re getting somewhere!”
Warren: “Excuse me, excuse me…”
Tapper: “It looks like the alien wants to speak.”
Delaney: “The alien is always talking…”
Warren: “I am not an alien!”
Tapper: “It looks like Denial isn’t just a river on Mars.”
Warren: “That’s Egypt, smarty.”
Tapper: “…and how would you know that?”
Warren: “It’s the Nile, which is in Egypt.”
Tapper: “Yeah, but I said Denial. Busted! Okay, Ms. Williamson, what do you do to celebrate 4/20?”
Williamson: “I do on 4/20 what I do on every day, every 4 or 20. I: Actualize, rationalize, factualize, capitalize, fantasize, sensitize, synchronize, bastardize, blood shot eyes…”
Tapper: “Okay, I think we all get the picture. Governor Bullock, there’s a Facebook meme going around saying you’re related to Sandra Bullock. Facebook memes are always accurate, as Abraham Lincoln once said, so this has to be true, right?”
Bullock: “No, not that I know of. She’s a fine actress and I used to have a crush on her, so it’d be kind of weird if we were related.”
Tapper: “So you’re saying you’re in favor of incest?”
Bullock: “No, I’m saying I once had a crush on Sandra Bullock, and just because we share the same last name, that doesn’t mean we’re related.”
Tapper: “Yes, it does. Okay, well, that’s all the time we have for today. I better get going, as I have ten candidates lining up to knock me upside the head, like in that scene from Airplane. Don’t forget… CNN: The best news team in the history of television.”
That’s it for today’s episode. I’ll see you again next week. Until then, check me out on PodBean, Twitter, Amazon, and Blogpsot. This has been I Feel Snitty with Craig Rozniecki. Take care.
Episode 4: "Jake Tapper: The Least Trusted Name in Debates"
Premiere Date: 8/6/19
Length: 9:40 (1,608 words)
Link: https://ifeelsnitty.podbean.com/e/jake-tapper-the-least-trusted-name-in-debates/
Transcript:
Welcome to I Feel Snitty. I’m your host, Craig Rozniecki. For today’s episode, I’m going to switch things up a little bit. Last week’s CNN debates were so poorly run, I felt the need to satirize it in skit form.
I suffered from a serious case of déjà vu last Tuesday and Wednesday night. In a 2015 CNN Republican primary debate, moderator Jake Tapper seemed more intent on provoking spats and drama than on helping educate the public on who the candidates were and what they stood for. Well, the same thing occurred last week in the Democratic debates, as the debates became more about the moderators than the actual candidates. Due to that, I feel like CNN should be called out on their epic fail from last week. I now bring to you my From Snark to Finish segment of the week - a satirical reenactment of Tuesday night’s debate…
Tapper: “Welcome to the debut episode of Pick a Fight here on CNN. I’m your host, Jake Tapper. Oh, I’m sorry. I read that wrong. Welcome to the 2nd round of Democratic debates, night one. We’ll start tonight by listening to every candidate give us their opening statements, starting with Steve Bullock. Mr. Bullock, go ahead…
Bullock: “Thank you. For everyone that doesn’t know me, I’m the governor of a red state in Montana. If I can win a red state whose abbreviation is MT for a reason, I can beat Donald Trump in the 2020 election. Far out. I’m Steve Bullock and I like approve this message.”
Tapper: “Marianne Williamson, you’re up…”
Williamson: “Jake, not only am I going to thank you like the guy before me did, I’m going to go deeper. Like really deep. So deep. Jake, I love you. I love you like a lava lamp loves Jerry Garcia. My love for you is stronger than a big, beautiful Southern border wall. Jake…”
Tapper: “…and your time is up. Next we have John Delaney. John?”
Delaney: “I’ve only got one thing to say. I’m right and everybody else is wrong. You’re wrong. You’re wrong. You’re wrong. You’re wrong. You’re wrong. You’re wrong…”
Tapper: “Thank you, Mr. Delaney. Tim Ryan, you’re on the clock.”
Ryan: “I want you all to know something about me. My name is Tim Ryan. Everyone repeat after me: ‘Tim… Ryan… That’s my name.’ ‘TIM! RYAN! THAT’S MY NAME!’ No, that’s my name, not your name. When you see this face, think your name. I mean, think Tim Ryan.”
Tapper: “John Hickenlooper, you now have the floor.”
Hickenlooper: “Most people know me as being an optimistic person. Outside of the doctor’s office, I’m called Mr. Positive. One thing I’m 100% positive about is we’re all gonna die. I am the only candidate who will make your death less deadly. Remember… Mr. Positive. You’re all gonna die. Hickenlooper 2020.”
Tapper: “Amy Klobuchar, is there anything you’d like to say?”
Klobuchar: “F’in A right, there is! The only thing you need to know about me is that I’m a Midwestern girl, with Midwestern values, living in the Midwest. I eat, drink, sleep, wear clothes when out in public, enjoy the music, like bread and butter and talking about it, and all that shit.”
Tapper: “Senor O’Rourke, do you want to hablas?”
O’Rourke: “Oui, Jake. Oui, oui. What our main focus as a party should be is defeating Donald Trump. I’m just the person to do that. I almost beat Ted Cruz in the state of Texas, and if we win Texas and its 38 electoral votes, we win the election. I mean, if we can’t trust the candidate who achieved the most impressive Democratic loss in history to defeat Donald Trump, who can we trust?”
Tapper: “Mayor Pete Buttigieg, go…”
Buttigieg: “What’s everyone looking at? My eyes are right here. Please just ignore the gnat on my forehead and listen to the words coming out of my mouth. Can’t do it? Fine. Just remember, I put my life on the line in battle overseas in order to give you the right to stare at this gnat on my forehead. You’re welcome.”
Tapper: “Senator Elizabeth Warren…”
Warren: “Some other candidates have plans, but not like mine. They just have rough ideas. I have specific plans. Not even just one set of plans. I have cubed plans. No, these don’t have anything to do with ice or those funny looking cars. I have plans of plans of plans. Go ahead, ask me about one of these cubed plans, and I’ll get into every last detail. Before you do, just make sure you set aside 12 hours.”
Tapper: “…and lastly, Senator Bernie Sanders.”
Sanders: “Thank you, Jake, and thank you, America. If you don’t know what I’m about to say, you haven’t been paying attention. I’ve said the same thing every night, underneath a giant ceiling mirror, for the past 87 years, or however long I’ve been here. So, listen up, buttercups, because I’m not gonna be stopping tonight.”
Tapper: “Thank you to all our candidates for their opening statements. Now let’s move onto the questions. Senator Sanders, it’s being said that Senator Warren’s cousin’s neighbor’s college roommate’s mother’s second fiancée once called you a socialist Marxist ugly grandpa commie. Do you have a response?”
Sanders: “Yes, I do, Jake. Sir, ma’am, whoever you are? You’re stupid. Next question.”
Tapper: “Senator Warren, I just created an account on a far right-wing website. My first post, under the username FakeIndianPocahontas was, ‘Elizabeth Warren isn’t Indian. She doesn’t even look Indian.’ Do you care to respond?”
Warren: “Yeah, here’s my response. What the hell is wrong with you? Let me tell you something, Jake - by the end of this debate, I’m gonna have a plan for you, and you’re not going to like it!”
Tapper: “Mayor Pete, how does it feel being gay? Asking for a friend. His name is Jake, but I call him JT.”
Buttigieg: “Well, you be sure to tell JT that I’m perfectly content and comfortable with my sexuality. Ask him, ‘How does it feel being a jackass?’”
Tapper: “Why are you calling me a jackass?”
Buttigieg: “I’m not calling you a jackass. I’m calling JT a jackass.”
Tapper: “But JT is… Nevermind. Moving on… Now, Beto, I’m misquoting here, but John Delaney called you a ‘mentally challenged human bobblehead.’ How do you respond?”
O’Rourke: “No bueno. Very no bueno.”
Tapper: “That’s it? I busted out a beer and some popcorn for this. Give me more, man.”
O’Rourke: “Gracias pero no gracias.”
Tapper: “Well, crap. Ms. Klobuchar, you often proudly call yourself a Midwesterner. What’s the thing you hate most about the Midwest?”
Klobuchar: “Absolutely nothing, Jake.”
Tapper: “Come on… There has to be at least one thing that drives you crazy about the area. Nobody’s watching. This is just between you and me.”
Klobuchar: “You’re probably right that no one’s watching. This is CNN after all…”
Tapper: “Hey, no reason to get nasty. Hot damn! Governor Hickeyscooper…”
Hickenlooper: “That’s Hickenlooper.”
Tapper: “Yeah, Governor Lickenhooper…”
Hickenlooper: “Again, Hickenlooper. Get on with it! What’s your question?”
Tapper: “I’m sorry. Your time is up.”
Hickenlooper: “Hey, that’s not fair! You didn’t even ask me a question!”
Tapper: “Thank you, Governor Lackeytrooper.”
Hickenlooper: “But…”
Tapper: “I said thank you, Governor Happenlicker. Mr. Ryan, how do you respond?”
Ryan: “To what?”
Tapper: “Whatever”
Ryan: “So what’s the question?”
Tapper: “Whatever you want it to be.”
Ryan: “I don’t understand what you’re trying to do here.”
Tapper: “Good. Mr. Delaney, in a future issue of the National Enquirer, I think you’re going to be on the cover, because of an alien abducting and probing you, before telling you, ‘You’re one of us!’ Your response?”
Delaney: “What kind of a question is that? Anyway, Senator Warren is crazy.”
Tapper: “But what about the aliens?”
Delaney: “What about them? Fine, maybe Senator Warren is an alien.”
Tapper: “Ooh, now we’re getting somewhere!”
Warren: “Excuse me, excuse me…”
Tapper: “It looks like the alien wants to speak.”
Delaney: “The alien is always talking…”
Warren: “I am not an alien!”
Tapper: “It looks like Denial isn’t just a river on Mars.”
Warren: “That’s Egypt, smarty.”
Tapper: “…and how would you know that?”
Warren: “It’s the Nile, which is in Egypt.”
Tapper: “Yeah, but I said Denial. Busted! Okay, Ms. Williamson, what do you do to celebrate 4/20?”
Williamson: “I do on 4/20 what I do on every day, every 4 or 20. I: Actualize, rationalize, factualize, capitalize, fantasize, sensitize, synchronize, bastardize, blood shot eyes…”
Tapper: “Okay, I think we all get the picture. Governor Bullock, there’s a Facebook meme going around saying you’re related to Sandra Bullock. Facebook memes are always accurate, as Abraham Lincoln once said, so this has to be true, right?”
Bullock: “No, not that I know of. She’s a fine actress and I used to have a crush on her, so it’d be kind of weird if we were related.”
Tapper: “So you’re saying you’re in favor of incest?”
Bullock: “No, I’m saying I once had a crush on Sandra Bullock, and just because we share the same last name, that doesn’t mean we’re related.”
Tapper: “Yes, it does. Okay, well, that’s all the time we have for today. I better get going, as I have ten candidates lining up to knock me upside the head, like in that scene from Airplane. Don’t forget… CNN: The best news team in the history of television.”
That’s it for today’s episode. I’ll see you again next week. Until then, check me out on PodBean, Twitter, Amazon, and Blogpsot. This has been I Feel Snitty with Craig Rozniecki. Take care.
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