Podcast: "I Feel Snitty"
Episode 17: "A Fireside Chat Featuring Alternative Facts"
Premiere Date: 11/6/19
Length: 10:02 (1,596 words)
Link: https://ifeelsnitty.podbean.com/e/a-fireside-chat-featuring-alternative-facts/
Transcript:
Welcome to I Feel Snitty, episode 17, entitled, “A Fireside Chat Featuring Alternative Facts.” I’m your host, Craig Rozniecki.
I know I’ve already covered this topic in the episodes “Insane in the Ukraine, parts 1 and 2,” but I just couldn’t pass this up. When speaking to the Washington Examiner last week, Donald Trump said, with regard to the controversial phone call with Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelensky, “This is over a phone call that is a good call. At some point, I’m going to sit down, perhaps as a fireside chat on live television, and I will read the transcript of the call because people have to hear it. When you read it, it’s a straight call.”
Oh, please let this happen. This would be comedy gold. Saturday Night Live wouldn’t even need to air a new episode that week, for they could simply replay the fireside chat and generate just as many laughs. In case that doesn’t happen, though, I’d like to predict for you now how this fireside chat would go between Trump and Zelensky. As you’ll soon hear, I don’t expect it to sound like the complete official transcript, which has yet to be released, not even close.
DT: “Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. Welcome to the official reading of the incomplete summary posed as a transcript. I will be reading this transcript verb a Tim. That means, like the whole thing - the whole thing of an incomplete thing. So yeah, this is like real and stuff. I’d like to welcome on my show, president of the Ukraine, Mr. Z.”
VZ: “Thank you, Mr. President, and that’s Zelensky.”
DT: “Mr. Z. Got it. So do you like this fire? Real fire. I know wood; I have the best wood, believe me!”
VZ: “Yes, your wood is very nice, Mr. President, but there was no wood in our prior call, correct? Isn’t this a tad misleading?”
DT: “I don’t know what that means. I don’t miss and I always lead, so what in the hell is mislead?”
VZ: “Look it up in a dictionary, Mr. President.”
DT: “Don’t have one. Fake book. Fake words. Fake letters. Fake oranges.”
VZ: “Oranges, Mr. President?”
DT: “You know, like where a word comes from - the orange.”
VZ: “Don’t you mean origin?”
DT: “No, orange. Look it up.”
VZ: “But you said you didn’t have a dictionary.”
DT: “True. Okay, so how close to the original call is this conversation going so far do you think? Right on the mark, like totally verb a Tim, right?”
VZ: “Not even close. Let’s stick to the complete incomplete summary.”
DT: “Transcript. Get it right, Z Rubles!”
VZ: “That is not the currency in my country.”
DT: “Okay, so shall we begin?”
VZ: “Please. I was in the middle of binge-watching Black Mirror.”
DT: “So racist. What would they say if we made a show called White Mirror or Hispanic Mirror Named Jose?”
VZ: “I don’t know, Mr. President. It’s a good show, though. You should check it out sometime.”
DT: “I refuse to. There are very fine mirrors on both sides, both sides.”
VZ: “On both sides of what?”
DT: “You know, the thing.”
VZ: “The what thing?”
DT: “The mirror thing.”
VZ: “The wall?”
DT: “No, we are not going to have mirrors, no matter the color, on either side of my big beautiful wall. That would make it look very weird, maybe ugly. So not a 10!”
VZ: “May we start please?”
DT: “Start what?”
VZ: “You asked me on here to have a fireside chat with you where we reenact the summary of the transcript of our previous phone conversation…”
DT: “Okay, sure. Hey, what’s up?”
VZ: “Hello to you too, Mr. President. Not a whole lot. We could really use some of that military aid.”
DT: “Okay, but you need to do us a favor, though. I mean, you need to do us a tough favor. Or you need to do us a favorite thought.”
VZ: “What does that mean? …and which one do I answer? Can I choose all of the above?”
DT: “No. This isn’t a true/false question. In order to get the military aid, you need your favorite thought to be investigating Joe Biden and his son, Hunter. I need your favorite thought to be that you will rig the election against Biden and in my favor, so the statue of imitations runs out during my second term, and I don’t wind up being some guy named Biff’s bitch in prison for the rest of my life.”
VZ: “The man’s name is Biffs Bitch? That’s an unusual name, Mr. President.”
DT: “No, it’s just Biff. I don’t want to be his bitch.”
VZ: “Isn’t that a female dog? Are you calling yourself a dog?”
DT: “Of course not! There’s nothing dog about me. I hate dogs.”
VZ: “Doesn’t Vladimir Putin kind of have you on a short leash, Mr. President?”
DT: “I’m not on a leash! He’s a leash!”
VZ: “That doesn’t make sense.”
DT: “No matter. So are you going to?”
VZ: “Going to be a leash? I don’t see how that’s possible, Mr. President.”
DT: “No, is your favorite thought going to be that you’re going to rig the 2020 presidential election in my favor by investigating a debunked conspiracy theory on the Bidens?”
VZ: “If you insist, Mr. President.”
DT: “I do. So, what else is new? How are things hanging?”
VZ: “It’ll take a while for the clothes to dry, but they’re getting there. How about for you? How did you put it, how are things hanging?”
DT: “It’s like an innie right now.”
VZ: “What?”
DT: “Oh, nothing.”
VZ: “Will there be anything else?”
DT: “Yes, actually. Earlier I asked you about your favorite thought. Now I’d like to ask for a favor.”
VZ: “What is it?”
DT: “I want you to praise me for a while. Here, start with this. It’s a poem I wrote for myself.”
VZ: “For yourself? You’re such a romantic, Mr. President.”
DT: “I know. Okay, so read it.”
VZ:
“My brain is big,
My words are great,
No mushroom dick,
More like a grape;
Silky hair,
Flat belly,
Unless I lay on my side,
It turns to jelly,
But jelly is good,
Especially my jelly,
Believe me,
I make the best jelly,
Mr. President, I don’t know if I can go on…”
DT: “Do you want that military aid? Read my poem!”
VZ: “Fine…
Jelly is great with peanut butter,
Between some bread things,
I’m getting hungry,
Make me a sandwich, Melanie!,
I am the best,
I am the best looking,
I am the smartest,
Just look at my tweeting,
Donald J. Trump,
What a man,
With a mushroom, I mean not a mushroom for a dick,
And newborn-looking hands.
That was very interesting, Mr. President.”
DT: “I know. So now I want you to say nice things about me. You can even write a poem about me if you want”
VZ: “Oh, gee, Mr. President. I’m not as much of a poet as you are.”
DT: “No one is, but try.”
VZ: “Very well…
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
You’re the greatest president,
So says you.
How was that?”
DT: “You really aren’t a poet, are you? That could use a little work. Try again.”
VZ: “Trumpty Dumpty built a big wall,
Trumpty Dumpty had Mexicans pay for it all,
All the fact-checkers and all the Mexicans,
Said it wasn’t true, so Trumpty Dumpty said it again.”
DT: “Eh… Okay, let’s try this one last time. If you try one more time, I’ll give you your military aid. Deal?”
VZ: “Okay, Mr. President…
Donnie, the Vlady puppet,
Had a very orange face,
And if you ever saw it,
You would run far away,
All of the other puppets,
Used to call him dumb and fake,
Now they nod together,
As they get on their knees,
Then one random election eve,
Vlady came to say,
Donnie with your face so Cheeto-like,
Won’t you destroy the US tonight?
Then all the puppets loved him,
As they smiled creepily,
Donnie, the Vlady puppet,
You’ll go to prison eventually.”
DT: “Hmm, I’m not sure what I think of it. Is this one of those deep poems with a hidden meaning to it or something?”
VZ: “Yes, something like that, Mr. President.”
DT: “Very well. Okay, so we have a deal? Your favorite thought will be to rig our election in exchange for military aid?”
VZ: “Most certainly, Mr. President.”
DT: “Good, good. Toodloo for now.”
VZ: “Toodloo.”
DT: “You see, folks? Read the transcript. What you heard tonight is exactly what was said the first time. Read that, read this, and you’ll be going, ‘Wow, just like a hernia and the flu, these are the same thing.’ The lamestream news media will tell you, ‘Oh, because of the fire in the fireplace during this chat, it wasn’t identical to the first phone call and therefore this can’t be seen as, you know, the same.’ But don’t worry, after that happens, I’ll then read the transcript from this discussion at a televised waterboarding-side chat. It’s going to be good clean fun for the whole family, believe me. Speaking of which, as it says in Two Corinthians, God bless all of you mostly and God bless the United States of Merica.”
That’s it for today’s episode. I’ll see you again next week. Until then, check me out on PodBean, Twitter, Amazon, and Blogpsot. This has been I Feel Snitty with Craig Rozniecki. Take care.
Episode 17: "A Fireside Chat Featuring Alternative Facts"
Premiere Date: 11/6/19
Length: 10:02 (1,596 words)
Link: https://ifeelsnitty.podbean.com/e/a-fireside-chat-featuring-alternative-facts/
Transcript:
Welcome to I Feel Snitty, episode 17, entitled, “A Fireside Chat Featuring Alternative Facts.” I’m your host, Craig Rozniecki.
I know I’ve already covered this topic in the episodes “Insane in the Ukraine, parts 1 and 2,” but I just couldn’t pass this up. When speaking to the Washington Examiner last week, Donald Trump said, with regard to the controversial phone call with Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelensky, “This is over a phone call that is a good call. At some point, I’m going to sit down, perhaps as a fireside chat on live television, and I will read the transcript of the call because people have to hear it. When you read it, it’s a straight call.”
Oh, please let this happen. This would be comedy gold. Saturday Night Live wouldn’t even need to air a new episode that week, for they could simply replay the fireside chat and generate just as many laughs. In case that doesn’t happen, though, I’d like to predict for you now how this fireside chat would go between Trump and Zelensky. As you’ll soon hear, I don’t expect it to sound like the complete official transcript, which has yet to be released, not even close.
DT: “Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. Welcome to the official reading of the incomplete summary posed as a transcript. I will be reading this transcript verb a Tim. That means, like the whole thing - the whole thing of an incomplete thing. So yeah, this is like real and stuff. I’d like to welcome on my show, president of the Ukraine, Mr. Z.”
VZ: “Thank you, Mr. President, and that’s Zelensky.”
DT: “Mr. Z. Got it. So do you like this fire? Real fire. I know wood; I have the best wood, believe me!”
VZ: “Yes, your wood is very nice, Mr. President, but there was no wood in our prior call, correct? Isn’t this a tad misleading?”
DT: “I don’t know what that means. I don’t miss and I always lead, so what in the hell is mislead?”
VZ: “Look it up in a dictionary, Mr. President.”
DT: “Don’t have one. Fake book. Fake words. Fake letters. Fake oranges.”
VZ: “Oranges, Mr. President?”
DT: “You know, like where a word comes from - the orange.”
VZ: “Don’t you mean origin?”
DT: “No, orange. Look it up.”
VZ: “But you said you didn’t have a dictionary.”
DT: “True. Okay, so how close to the original call is this conversation going so far do you think? Right on the mark, like totally verb a Tim, right?”
VZ: “Not even close. Let’s stick to the complete incomplete summary.”
DT: “Transcript. Get it right, Z Rubles!”
VZ: “That is not the currency in my country.”
DT: “Okay, so shall we begin?”
VZ: “Please. I was in the middle of binge-watching Black Mirror.”
DT: “So racist. What would they say if we made a show called White Mirror or Hispanic Mirror Named Jose?”
VZ: “I don’t know, Mr. President. It’s a good show, though. You should check it out sometime.”
DT: “I refuse to. There are very fine mirrors on both sides, both sides.”
VZ: “On both sides of what?”
DT: “You know, the thing.”
VZ: “The what thing?”
DT: “The mirror thing.”
VZ: “The wall?”
DT: “No, we are not going to have mirrors, no matter the color, on either side of my big beautiful wall. That would make it look very weird, maybe ugly. So not a 10!”
VZ: “May we start please?”
DT: “Start what?”
VZ: “You asked me on here to have a fireside chat with you where we reenact the summary of the transcript of our previous phone conversation…”
DT: “Okay, sure. Hey, what’s up?”
VZ: “Hello to you too, Mr. President. Not a whole lot. We could really use some of that military aid.”
DT: “Okay, but you need to do us a favor, though. I mean, you need to do us a tough favor. Or you need to do us a favorite thought.”
VZ: “What does that mean? …and which one do I answer? Can I choose all of the above?”
DT: “No. This isn’t a true/false question. In order to get the military aid, you need your favorite thought to be investigating Joe Biden and his son, Hunter. I need your favorite thought to be that you will rig the election against Biden and in my favor, so the statue of imitations runs out during my second term, and I don’t wind up being some guy named Biff’s bitch in prison for the rest of my life.”
VZ: “The man’s name is Biffs Bitch? That’s an unusual name, Mr. President.”
DT: “No, it’s just Biff. I don’t want to be his bitch.”
VZ: “Isn’t that a female dog? Are you calling yourself a dog?”
DT: “Of course not! There’s nothing dog about me. I hate dogs.”
VZ: “Doesn’t Vladimir Putin kind of have you on a short leash, Mr. President?”
DT: “I’m not on a leash! He’s a leash!”
VZ: “That doesn’t make sense.”
DT: “No matter. So are you going to?”
VZ: “Going to be a leash? I don’t see how that’s possible, Mr. President.”
DT: “No, is your favorite thought going to be that you’re going to rig the 2020 presidential election in my favor by investigating a debunked conspiracy theory on the Bidens?”
VZ: “If you insist, Mr. President.”
DT: “I do. So, what else is new? How are things hanging?”
VZ: “It’ll take a while for the clothes to dry, but they’re getting there. How about for you? How did you put it, how are things hanging?”
DT: “It’s like an innie right now.”
VZ: “What?”
DT: “Oh, nothing.”
VZ: “Will there be anything else?”
DT: “Yes, actually. Earlier I asked you about your favorite thought. Now I’d like to ask for a favor.”
VZ: “What is it?”
DT: “I want you to praise me for a while. Here, start with this. It’s a poem I wrote for myself.”
VZ: “For yourself? You’re such a romantic, Mr. President.”
DT: “I know. Okay, so read it.”
VZ:
“My brain is big,
My words are great,
No mushroom dick,
More like a grape;
Silky hair,
Flat belly,
Unless I lay on my side,
It turns to jelly,
But jelly is good,
Especially my jelly,
Believe me,
I make the best jelly,
Mr. President, I don’t know if I can go on…”
DT: “Do you want that military aid? Read my poem!”
VZ: “Fine…
Jelly is great with peanut butter,
Between some bread things,
I’m getting hungry,
Make me a sandwich, Melanie!,
I am the best,
I am the best looking,
I am the smartest,
Just look at my tweeting,
Donald J. Trump,
What a man,
With a mushroom, I mean not a mushroom for a dick,
And newborn-looking hands.
That was very interesting, Mr. President.”
DT: “I know. So now I want you to say nice things about me. You can even write a poem about me if you want”
VZ: “Oh, gee, Mr. President. I’m not as much of a poet as you are.”
DT: “No one is, but try.”
VZ: “Very well…
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
You’re the greatest president,
So says you.
How was that?”
DT: “You really aren’t a poet, are you? That could use a little work. Try again.”
VZ: “Trumpty Dumpty built a big wall,
Trumpty Dumpty had Mexicans pay for it all,
All the fact-checkers and all the Mexicans,
Said it wasn’t true, so Trumpty Dumpty said it again.”
DT: “Eh… Okay, let’s try this one last time. If you try one more time, I’ll give you your military aid. Deal?”
VZ: “Okay, Mr. President…
Donnie, the Vlady puppet,
Had a very orange face,
And if you ever saw it,
You would run far away,
All of the other puppets,
Used to call him dumb and fake,
Now they nod together,
As they get on their knees,
Then one random election eve,
Vlady came to say,
Donnie with your face so Cheeto-like,
Won’t you destroy the US tonight?
Then all the puppets loved him,
As they smiled creepily,
Donnie, the Vlady puppet,
You’ll go to prison eventually.”
DT: “Hmm, I’m not sure what I think of it. Is this one of those deep poems with a hidden meaning to it or something?”
VZ: “Yes, something like that, Mr. President.”
DT: “Very well. Okay, so we have a deal? Your favorite thought will be to rig our election in exchange for military aid?”
VZ: “Most certainly, Mr. President.”
DT: “Good, good. Toodloo for now.”
VZ: “Toodloo.”
DT: “You see, folks? Read the transcript. What you heard tonight is exactly what was said the first time. Read that, read this, and you’ll be going, ‘Wow, just like a hernia and the flu, these are the same thing.’ The lamestream news media will tell you, ‘Oh, because of the fire in the fireplace during this chat, it wasn’t identical to the first phone call and therefore this can’t be seen as, you know, the same.’ But don’t worry, after that happens, I’ll then read the transcript from this discussion at a televised waterboarding-side chat. It’s going to be good clean fun for the whole family, believe me. Speaking of which, as it says in Two Corinthians, God bless all of you mostly and God bless the United States of Merica.”
That’s it for today’s episode. I’ll see you again next week. Until then, check me out on PodBean, Twitter, Amazon, and Blogpsot. This has been I Feel Snitty with Craig Rozniecki. Take care.
Comments
Post a Comment