Podcast: "I Feel Snitty"
Episode 9: "Don't Hate On SharpieGate"
Premiere Date: 9/11/19
Length: 14:35 (2,091 words)
Link: https://ifeelsnitty.podbean.com/e/dont-hate-on-sharpiegate/
Transcript:
Welcome to I Feel Snitty, episode 9, entitled, “Don’t Hate on SharpieGate.” I’m your host, Craig Rozniecki. Now I know several followers of mine haven’t been thrilled with all the coverage on SharpieGate, asking the question, “Isn’t there something more important we should be talking about?” To answer your question, yes, but as I’ve learned, especially in the age of Trump, you have to take some time to laugh, because if you’re not laughing, you’re probably crying. …and seriously, while Donald Trump may often times refer to his detractors as “snowflakes,” that’s all projection, for there’s honestly no bigger snowflake in the history of all that is human than Trump. Not to come across as cruel, but I think the more we laugh at him, the more he’ll be crying away from the cameras. So, as he’s made many of our lives miserable for close to 3 years, why not laugh our asses off at his expense and make him miserable, even if just for a few minutes?
Before delving into the Trump timeline as far as SharpieGate is concerned, I’m going to start this show with a pop quiz to see how much you already know about it. Here we go…
1) Where is Alabama located?
A) The Southeastern portion of the United States
B) Somewhere in the Caribbean
C) The Taliban headquarters
D) Wherever the National Championship Game is being played
2) Can hurricanes shift direction?
A) Yes
B) No
C) Maybe
D) Ask the Sharpie
3) What law did Donald Trump break when he doctored a forecast issued by the Weather Bureau?
A) 18 U.S. Code 2074
B) Obstruction of Justice
C) Perjury
D) Distributing to the Stupidity of Minors…and Adults
4) What’s the highest category for a hurricane?
A) 5
B) 4
C) 3
D) Rubin Carter
5) True or False: The Bahamas and Alabama are interchangeable since they share five letters?
A) False
B) True
C) Neither A nor B
D) Only a drunken Christopher Columbus knows
I hope you scored better than the president, whom I imagine went 0 for 5, which he’d then call perfect. In any case, let’s move onto the actual timeline of SharpieGate. On September 1st, Trump tweeted, “In addition to Florida - South Carolina, North Carolina, Georgia, and Alabama, will most likely be hit (much) harder than anticipated.”
On August 30th, two days prior to Trump’s tweet, the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration (or NOAA) forecasted that, at most, an area the size of the thimble piece in Monopoly would be impacted by Hurricane Dorian in the state of Alabama. At the time of Trump’s tweet, the NOAA altered their forecast to not include the state at all, tweeting, “Alabama will NOT see any impacts from #Dorian. We repeat, no impacts from Hurricane #Dorian will be felt across Alabama. The system will remain too far east.”
Shortly after this tweet, The Donald doubled down, telling reporters, “The original course was dead into Florida. Now it seems to be going up toward South Carolina, toward North Carolina. Georgia is going to be hit. Alabama is going to get a piece of it, it looks like.”
Not long after that. Yes, it’s still September 1st. Not long after that, Trump said, “And I will say, the states -- and it may get a little piece of a great place: It’s called Alabama. And Alabama could even be in for at least some very strong winds and something more than that, it could be. This just came up, unfortunately. It’s the size of -- the storm that we’re talking about. So, for Alabama, just please be careful.”
On September 2nd, after receiving backlash for his continued false claims, Trump stood by his remarks in saying Alabama was going to be impacted by the hurricane.
On September 4th, Trump showcased an NOAA forecast, where it appeared he altered it with a sharpie, so that the forecast would include the state of Alabama. The forecast he used was from August 29th, not long before the NOAA declared that the Crimson Tide state would not be impacted by Dorian. During this, I don’t know what to call it, altered history conference maybe, Trump said, “Alabama was in the original forecast. In all cases, Alabama was hit -- if not lightly, in some cases pretty hard. Georgia, Alabama -- it was a different route. They actually gave that a 95% chance -- probability.” Who “they” is in this scenario is anyone’s guess. I’m guessing it’s in reference to the five voices in his head, but who knows?
Later that day, Trump displayed computer model projections of the possible forecasts with regard to Hurricane Dorian. These, eh, alternative forecasts, were dated August 28th.
On September 5th, Trump started going after the media, calling their criticisms of him “fake news,” adding, “In the one model through Florida, the Great State of Alabama would have been hit or grazed.”
He then tweeted NOAA maps from August 29th and 30th, and uttered, “Just as I said, Alabama was originally projected to be hit. The Fake News denies it!”
On September 6th, Trump tweeted the following message: “The Fake News Media was fixated on the fact that I properly said, at the beginnings of Hurricane Dorian, that in addition to Florida & other states, Alabama may also be grazed or hit. They went Crazy, hoping against hope that I made a mistake (which I didn’t). Check out maps…..”
The NOAA then disavowed a National Weather Service’s tweet which refuted Trump’s insistent claim that Hurricane Dorian was going to severely impact Alabama.
On September 9th, he went after the New York Times, as he tweeted, “The Failing New York Times stated, in an article written by Obama flunky Peter Baker (who lovingly wrote Obama book), ‘Even after the President forecast the storm to include Alabama.’ THIS IS NOT TRUE. I said, VERY EARLY ON, that it MAY EVEN hit Alabama. A BIG DIFFERENCE……..FAKE NEWS. I would like very much to stop referring to this ridiculous story, but the LameStream Media just won’t let it alone. They always have to have the last word, even though they know they are defrauding & deceiving the public. The public knows that the Media is corrupt!”
The New York Times then reported that Commerce Secretary Wilbur Ross threatened to fire NOAA employees if they didn’t disavow the before-mentioned National Weather Service’s tweet which refuted Trump’s claim that Dorian was headed toward Alabama.
That brings us about up to speed. (pause) Have you ever, in your entire life, heard a person try so hard to prove they weren’t wrong? Also, have you ever heard a sitting (and likely tweeting) president seem to want a state to get hit so badly by a hurricane? Even when it comes to the unpredictable weather, Donald Trump can’t be wrong and he will go to any length to prove that. How far will he go? Well, fortunately I have a psychic on the show with me today. Let’s hear what he has to say…
Welcome to the one and only Psychic Trumpline. I’m self-renowned psychic Mike Biggy Fraud, but you can call me Renaldo. Let’s get started. I’m seeing many things right now. It all seems like a jumbled puzzle of some kind. I… I… Okay, I think I got it. Here is what’s going to happen next in this ever going saga between Donald Trump and a sharpie.
- First, Trump is going to try swapping the names of the Bahamas and Alabama. This will result in him often mistakenly referring to said state and country as Bahabama and Alamas.
- When this doesn’t work, he’ll show the world a U.S. map where it appears the words “the Bahamas” are written in sharpie where Alabama is known to be.
- Geography professors worldwide will sign a document which claims Trump is wrong about Alabama not being a U.S. state.
- Then Trump will tweet out, “Congratulations to the Bahamas Crimson Tide for another championship!”
- As a gift, Trump will offer all of these college football players a free trip to Alabama.
- This will result in the NCAA penalizing Alabama for violating regulations.
- Trump will call these “fake violations” and “alternative bad things” on national television.
- He will then declare a national state of emergency for the Bahamas.
- Next, a national fundraising event will be held, for the actual Bahamas.
- Lastly, Trump will then, thinking the Bahamas is Alabama, move there and run for what he thinks is re-election, when it’s just his first election, and find a way to lose in both countries, bigly.
My sincere thanks to Renaldo for his 100% accurate, yet unsubstantiated visions. I hope to see him on the show again sometime, but I guess only he knows whether or not that will happen. Up next on the slate is a Top Ten List I concocted. Here are the Top Ten Reasons Donald Trump Uses a Sharpie. That’s Top Ten Reasons Donald Trump Uses a Sharpie.
10. After discussing with Rick Perry how to appear smarter, while Perry decided to wear glasses, Trump settled on placing sharpies behind his ears.
9. To make black-face permanent again.
8. He used to try showing off for crushes, as he claimed to have qualified for the shot put in the Olympics, only to then shot put a sharpie.
7. Because “sharpie” was the word which ousted him from a spelling bee, and he’s since tried proving he was right, as he wrote his spelling of the word on a sharpie with another sharpie. The spelling was, of course, s-h-a-r-p-e-e.
6. To make his manhood appear larger than a mini-mushroom by sticking it in his pants, and be able to respond to a woman’s inquisition with, “It’s both - a sharpie in my pants and I’m happy to see you.”
5. He felt it was the sharpest tool in the shed.
4. He’s always called it his favorite crayon for his White House coloring books.
3. He felt he invented the word, even though he’s always pronounced it, “share-pie.”
2. To sniff in case he’s out of coke, Adderall, and pixie sticks.
1. (drumroll) Because when he’s playing pool, his hands aren’t large enough for a cue stick.
From Snark to Finish
For my From Snark to Finish segment this week, I thought I’d answer the question everyone’s been asking, “What if Donald Trump were a meteorologist?” Here’s how I envision what his forecast would be.
This is Donald Trump, giving you the best forecast in the history of forecasts. It’s gonna be so good, believe me. For you kids at home, remember this - you can’t spell “best forecast ever” without “Donald Trump’s weather.” Go ahead and spell-check that shit. Oh, I’m being told this is a family-friendly show. Okay then. Go ahead and autocorrect that shit. There, better? Okay, so you see that big “H” right over here? That’s where there’s a big heroin problem. It’s in the Middle East, though, so that’s to be expected - you know, Ohio, Kentucky, Tennessee, and whatever this VA place is. Now let’s look at the big “L,” which of course stands for lesbians. It looks like there’s a lesbian takeover in Asia over here - or Chinatown for you laypeople out there. There’s gonna be a yuge hurricane in the smack dab middle of the country. Hurricane Hillary is gonna hit a duck pond in West Omaha. Where is that, Kansas? Nebarkansas? Just Arkansas? Okay, so like I said, Hurricane Hillary in Omaha, Arkansas. All across the country, temperatures during the day will be higher than they are at night. There’s gonna be some clouds here and there, or, as I like to call them, puffy white shit. I’m again being told this is a family-friendly show. I’m getting real tired of this crap. Fine. Clouds. Puffy shit. Deal with it. Now, before I go, let me just say…don’t ever leave your sprinklers on too long. The number one cause of extremely severe and complete flooding is sprinklers. Period. Oh, and the weather is always changing, but that doesn’t mean changing-weather exists. Thermometers, melting ice are just things made up by Jiiina. This is Donald Trump, signing off, saying, temperatures? Water? Chinese hoaxes, or hoaxi if you want to get really fancy.
That’s it for today’s episode. I’ll see you again next week. Until then, check me out on PodBean, Twitter, Amazon, and Blogpsot. This has been I Feel Snitty with Craig Rozniecki. Take care.
Episode 9: "Don't Hate On SharpieGate"
Premiere Date: 9/11/19
Length: 14:35 (2,091 words)
Link: https://ifeelsnitty.podbean.com/e/dont-hate-on-sharpiegate/
Transcript:
Welcome to I Feel Snitty, episode 9, entitled, “Don’t Hate on SharpieGate.” I’m your host, Craig Rozniecki. Now I know several followers of mine haven’t been thrilled with all the coverage on SharpieGate, asking the question, “Isn’t there something more important we should be talking about?” To answer your question, yes, but as I’ve learned, especially in the age of Trump, you have to take some time to laugh, because if you’re not laughing, you’re probably crying. …and seriously, while Donald Trump may often times refer to his detractors as “snowflakes,” that’s all projection, for there’s honestly no bigger snowflake in the history of all that is human than Trump. Not to come across as cruel, but I think the more we laugh at him, the more he’ll be crying away from the cameras. So, as he’s made many of our lives miserable for close to 3 years, why not laugh our asses off at his expense and make him miserable, even if just for a few minutes?
Before delving into the Trump timeline as far as SharpieGate is concerned, I’m going to start this show with a pop quiz to see how much you already know about it. Here we go…
1) Where is Alabama located?
A) The Southeastern portion of the United States
B) Somewhere in the Caribbean
C) The Taliban headquarters
D) Wherever the National Championship Game is being played
2) Can hurricanes shift direction?
A) Yes
B) No
C) Maybe
D) Ask the Sharpie
3) What law did Donald Trump break when he doctored a forecast issued by the Weather Bureau?
A) 18 U.S. Code 2074
B) Obstruction of Justice
C) Perjury
D) Distributing to the Stupidity of Minors…and Adults
4) What’s the highest category for a hurricane?
A) 5
B) 4
C) 3
D) Rubin Carter
5) True or False: The Bahamas and Alabama are interchangeable since they share five letters?
A) False
B) True
C) Neither A nor B
D) Only a drunken Christopher Columbus knows
I hope you scored better than the president, whom I imagine went 0 for 5, which he’d then call perfect. In any case, let’s move onto the actual timeline of SharpieGate. On September 1st, Trump tweeted, “In addition to Florida - South Carolina, North Carolina, Georgia, and Alabama, will most likely be hit (much) harder than anticipated.”
On August 30th, two days prior to Trump’s tweet, the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration (or NOAA) forecasted that, at most, an area the size of the thimble piece in Monopoly would be impacted by Hurricane Dorian in the state of Alabama. At the time of Trump’s tweet, the NOAA altered their forecast to not include the state at all, tweeting, “Alabama will NOT see any impacts from #Dorian. We repeat, no impacts from Hurricane #Dorian will be felt across Alabama. The system will remain too far east.”
Shortly after this tweet, The Donald doubled down, telling reporters, “The original course was dead into Florida. Now it seems to be going up toward South Carolina, toward North Carolina. Georgia is going to be hit. Alabama is going to get a piece of it, it looks like.”
Not long after that. Yes, it’s still September 1st. Not long after that, Trump said, “And I will say, the states -- and it may get a little piece of a great place: It’s called Alabama. And Alabama could even be in for at least some very strong winds and something more than that, it could be. This just came up, unfortunately. It’s the size of -- the storm that we’re talking about. So, for Alabama, just please be careful.”
On September 2nd, after receiving backlash for his continued false claims, Trump stood by his remarks in saying Alabama was going to be impacted by the hurricane.
On September 4th, Trump showcased an NOAA forecast, where it appeared he altered it with a sharpie, so that the forecast would include the state of Alabama. The forecast he used was from August 29th, not long before the NOAA declared that the Crimson Tide state would not be impacted by Dorian. During this, I don’t know what to call it, altered history conference maybe, Trump said, “Alabama was in the original forecast. In all cases, Alabama was hit -- if not lightly, in some cases pretty hard. Georgia, Alabama -- it was a different route. They actually gave that a 95% chance -- probability.” Who “they” is in this scenario is anyone’s guess. I’m guessing it’s in reference to the five voices in his head, but who knows?
Later that day, Trump displayed computer model projections of the possible forecasts with regard to Hurricane Dorian. These, eh, alternative forecasts, were dated August 28th.
On September 5th, Trump started going after the media, calling their criticisms of him “fake news,” adding, “In the one model through Florida, the Great State of Alabama would have been hit or grazed.”
He then tweeted NOAA maps from August 29th and 30th, and uttered, “Just as I said, Alabama was originally projected to be hit. The Fake News denies it!”
On September 6th, Trump tweeted the following message: “The Fake News Media was fixated on the fact that I properly said, at the beginnings of Hurricane Dorian, that in addition to Florida & other states, Alabama may also be grazed or hit. They went Crazy, hoping against hope that I made a mistake (which I didn’t). Check out maps…..”
The NOAA then disavowed a National Weather Service’s tweet which refuted Trump’s insistent claim that Hurricane Dorian was going to severely impact Alabama.
On September 9th, he went after the New York Times, as he tweeted, “The Failing New York Times stated, in an article written by Obama flunky Peter Baker (who lovingly wrote Obama book), ‘Even after the President forecast the storm to include Alabama.’ THIS IS NOT TRUE. I said, VERY EARLY ON, that it MAY EVEN hit Alabama. A BIG DIFFERENCE……..FAKE NEWS. I would like very much to stop referring to this ridiculous story, but the LameStream Media just won’t let it alone. They always have to have the last word, even though they know they are defrauding & deceiving the public. The public knows that the Media is corrupt!”
The New York Times then reported that Commerce Secretary Wilbur Ross threatened to fire NOAA employees if they didn’t disavow the before-mentioned National Weather Service’s tweet which refuted Trump’s claim that Dorian was headed toward Alabama.
That brings us about up to speed. (pause) Have you ever, in your entire life, heard a person try so hard to prove they weren’t wrong? Also, have you ever heard a sitting (and likely tweeting) president seem to want a state to get hit so badly by a hurricane? Even when it comes to the unpredictable weather, Donald Trump can’t be wrong and he will go to any length to prove that. How far will he go? Well, fortunately I have a psychic on the show with me today. Let’s hear what he has to say…
Welcome to the one and only Psychic Trumpline. I’m self-renowned psychic Mike Biggy Fraud, but you can call me Renaldo. Let’s get started. I’m seeing many things right now. It all seems like a jumbled puzzle of some kind. I… I… Okay, I think I got it. Here is what’s going to happen next in this ever going saga between Donald Trump and a sharpie.
- First, Trump is going to try swapping the names of the Bahamas and Alabama. This will result in him often mistakenly referring to said state and country as Bahabama and Alamas.
- When this doesn’t work, he’ll show the world a U.S. map where it appears the words “the Bahamas” are written in sharpie where Alabama is known to be.
- Geography professors worldwide will sign a document which claims Trump is wrong about Alabama not being a U.S. state.
- Then Trump will tweet out, “Congratulations to the Bahamas Crimson Tide for another championship!”
- As a gift, Trump will offer all of these college football players a free trip to Alabama.
- This will result in the NCAA penalizing Alabama for violating regulations.
- Trump will call these “fake violations” and “alternative bad things” on national television.
- He will then declare a national state of emergency for the Bahamas.
- Next, a national fundraising event will be held, for the actual Bahamas.
- Lastly, Trump will then, thinking the Bahamas is Alabama, move there and run for what he thinks is re-election, when it’s just his first election, and find a way to lose in both countries, bigly.
My sincere thanks to Renaldo for his 100% accurate, yet unsubstantiated visions. I hope to see him on the show again sometime, but I guess only he knows whether or not that will happen. Up next on the slate is a Top Ten List I concocted. Here are the Top Ten Reasons Donald Trump Uses a Sharpie. That’s Top Ten Reasons Donald Trump Uses a Sharpie.
10. After discussing with Rick Perry how to appear smarter, while Perry decided to wear glasses, Trump settled on placing sharpies behind his ears.
9. To make black-face permanent again.
8. He used to try showing off for crushes, as he claimed to have qualified for the shot put in the Olympics, only to then shot put a sharpie.
7. Because “sharpie” was the word which ousted him from a spelling bee, and he’s since tried proving he was right, as he wrote his spelling of the word on a sharpie with another sharpie. The spelling was, of course, s-h-a-r-p-e-e.
6. To make his manhood appear larger than a mini-mushroom by sticking it in his pants, and be able to respond to a woman’s inquisition with, “It’s both - a sharpie in my pants and I’m happy to see you.”
5. He felt it was the sharpest tool in the shed.
4. He’s always called it his favorite crayon for his White House coloring books.
3. He felt he invented the word, even though he’s always pronounced it, “share-pie.”
2. To sniff in case he’s out of coke, Adderall, and pixie sticks.
1. (drumroll) Because when he’s playing pool, his hands aren’t large enough for a cue stick.
From Snark to Finish
For my From Snark to Finish segment this week, I thought I’d answer the question everyone’s been asking, “What if Donald Trump were a meteorologist?” Here’s how I envision what his forecast would be.
This is Donald Trump, giving you the best forecast in the history of forecasts. It’s gonna be so good, believe me. For you kids at home, remember this - you can’t spell “best forecast ever” without “Donald Trump’s weather.” Go ahead and spell-check that shit. Oh, I’m being told this is a family-friendly show. Okay then. Go ahead and autocorrect that shit. There, better? Okay, so you see that big “H” right over here? That’s where there’s a big heroin problem. It’s in the Middle East, though, so that’s to be expected - you know, Ohio, Kentucky, Tennessee, and whatever this VA place is. Now let’s look at the big “L,” which of course stands for lesbians. It looks like there’s a lesbian takeover in Asia over here - or Chinatown for you laypeople out there. There’s gonna be a yuge hurricane in the smack dab middle of the country. Hurricane Hillary is gonna hit a duck pond in West Omaha. Where is that, Kansas? Nebarkansas? Just Arkansas? Okay, so like I said, Hurricane Hillary in Omaha, Arkansas. All across the country, temperatures during the day will be higher than they are at night. There’s gonna be some clouds here and there, or, as I like to call them, puffy white shit. I’m again being told this is a family-friendly show. I’m getting real tired of this crap. Fine. Clouds. Puffy shit. Deal with it. Now, before I go, let me just say…don’t ever leave your sprinklers on too long. The number one cause of extremely severe and complete flooding is sprinklers. Period. Oh, and the weather is always changing, but that doesn’t mean changing-weather exists. Thermometers, melting ice are just things made up by Jiiina. This is Donald Trump, signing off, saying, temperatures? Water? Chinese hoaxes, or hoaxi if you want to get really fancy.
That’s it for today’s episode. I’ll see you again next week. Until then, check me out on PodBean, Twitter, Amazon, and Blogpsot. This has been I Feel Snitty with Craig Rozniecki. Take care.
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