Podcast: "I Feel Snitty"
Episode 15: "Fox No News (part 2)"
Premiere Date: 10/23/19
Length: 18:08 (2,954 words)
Link: https://ifeelsnitty.podbean.com/e/fox-no-news-part-2/
Transcript:
Welcome to I Feel Snitty, episode 15, entitled, “Fox No News (part 2).” I’m your host, Craig Rozniecki.
As I noted in last week’s episode, news broke over the past week that long-time Fox News anchor Shepard “Shep” Smith was resigning. Now that Smith is gone, the cable news network can now essentially call itself Fox No News. In honor of Shep’s departure, I thought I’d share with you some of my favorite pieces I’ve written about the Fox News network over the years just to show you how much bullshit Shep has had to deal with. Thanks to Shep for trying to provide a bit of sanity at Fox, consistently fighting the good fight, and hopefully he’ll land somewhere which doesn’t so much resemble a loony bin like Fox did. Here we go…
Sexist Fox and Friends (5/2/13)
Yesterday on the Fox News show Fox and Friends, hosts Steve Doocy (not to be confused with douchey), Brian Kilmeade, and Gretchen Carlson spent a full 13 minutes talking about a person in a video clip who took close to a half-hour to parallel park.
Doocy then said, "It took a full 30 minutes for the driver to squeeze into the parallel spot. So who was behind the wheel? Well, it turns out, it was a woman."
Douchey and Kilmeade then challenged Carlson and meteorologist Maria Molina to a battle of the sexes to see which pair could parallel park better than the other.
Fox News never ceases to amaze me at how it degrades women. Would the bit have been fine if Sir Douchey and company simply talked and laughed about the video clip without drawing attention to the fact the driver was a woman? Yes. However, Douchey had to go and do just that by saying, "...So who was behind the wheel? Well, it turns out, it was a woman."
I then read comments following the article from Fox defenders, complaining about the PC (political correctness) police, that liberals don't have a sense of humor, that people can't joke around about anything anymore, and to lighten up.
I'm sorry, but sexism isn't funny. The segment could have been entertaining if the writers and hosts went about things in a different manner, but they chose to spend that time mocking the driver, not because the driver was bad necessarily, but because the driver was a woman and fed into some seemingly ancient stereotypes.
There's quite a stark difference between the following two scenarios:
Scenario #1 - simply poking fun at the driver
Doocy: "Wow, would you look at that? How long is this going to take? Does anyone have a stopwatch?"
Kilmeade: "I know, right? This is worse than the time you tried parallel parking after smoking a few bowls. Remember that?"
Doocy: "Allegedly..."
Kilmeade: "Oh, there's nothing alleged about it. I have video evidence, right here as a matter of fact..."
Doocy: "Oh, please don't... So, where are we at? 25 minutes?"
Kilmeade: "I have 30 minutes. We could have watched 60 Minutes in that time-frame!"
Doocy: "I know, right?"
Kilmeade: "Oh, would you look at that? The parking mission is finally completed! This calls for a celebration!"
Doocy: "Cheers!"
Scenario #2 - poking fun at the driver's gender
Doocy: "Wow, would you look at that? How long is this going to take? Does anyone have a stopwatch?"
Kilmeade: "I know, right? This is almost as bad as you!"
Doocy: "Very funny. Did you get a look at the driver?"
Kilmeade: "Yup. It's a woman. Go figure, right?"
Doocy: "Women are such lousy drivers. It's a fact. I remember reading it somewhere one time."
Kilmeade: "They're always on their phones, doing their make-up, touching themselves. Just watch the road and drive, women!"
Doocy: "What is there to be talking about while driving anyway? Who has friends anymore, really?"
Kilmeade: "This show does!"
Doocy: "Ah-ha! That's a good one! But, back to women... I think it should be put into law that women can only drive taxis."
Kilmeade: "You mean ride in taxis, right?"
Doocy: "Oh yeah, that's right. I'm serious, though. I mean, just look at this woman trying to parallel park. How long has it been? 25 minutes?"
Kilmeade: "I have her down for 30 minutes, and yeah, I'm right with you - it's a scientific fact that women are bad drivers and shouldn't be allowed on the road, unless they're just walking and really hot."
Doocy: "Agreed. Oh, would you look at this? She parked! It only took her about 30 minutes! That's pretty good for a woman!"
Kilmeade: "Yeah, it is! I say just stay in the kitchen, ladies, and let us do the driving!"
Doocy: "Amen."
Fox News has a one-track mind (5/7/14)
If Benghazi were a woman, she would have filed a restraining order against Fox News a long time ago, and won. Fox seems more obsessed with Benghazi than the Chicago Cubs are about disappointing fans and meteorologists are about getting forecasts wrong. While CNN could probably change their name to MAN, or the Malaysian Airlines Network, Fox News could just change their name to BBS, or Benghazi Bullsh*t. It seems that regardless of the story at hand, Fox will find a way to link the story to Benghazi, or at least find an awkward segue. I imagine even after the anchors' programs end, they find ways to bring up Benghazi daily in the real world. While these following discussions may seem a bit far-fetched, sadly enough, watch Fox News for 15 minutes at any point throughout the day and you'll probably realize they're not that drastic of exaggerations after all.
Event: Fox News program
Anchor #1: "So, how about those Miami Heat? Coming off two straight NBA championships, they dominated the Charlotte Bobcats in the first round, and blew out the Brooklyn Nets in the first game of round two."
Anchor #2: "Enough about sticking balls in holes! Instead, let's talk about something which left holes in each and every one of our hearts - Benghazi."
Event: At the grocery store
Cashier: "That will be $119.48."
Fox News anchor: "How much? Are you kidding me? How can this cost that much? Are you ripping me off, lady? Wait, wait... I digress... You know what? I will pay you that amount of money. That's not nearly the price four people paid in Benghazi. How much was it again? $19?"
Event: Dinner with the family
Fox News anchor's wife: "Here you are, gentlemen. I know how much you all love lasagna. Dinner is served!"
Fox News anchor: "Wait - what? What's served? Benghazi?"
Wife: "Lasagna"
Anchor: "Oh, okay. Sorry - my mind was elsewhere when you said that apparently."
Wife: "It always is..."
Event: Conversing with his kids
Fox News anchor: "So, what is this about the Benghazi Apocalypse? I keep hearing about it - on the news, on Facebook, from other kids such as yourselves..."
Older kid: "It's the zombie apocalypse, dad!"
Anchor: "No, no, no. I distinctly heard Benghazi Apocalypse. Is that a new movie coming out or is it actually happening?"
Younger kid: "You're silly, dad."
Anchor: "No - I'm being 100% serious here! Someone tell me about the Benghazi Apocalypse!"
Both kids: ::laugh::
Anchor: "Ugh!"
Event: A first date
Woman: "So, what kind of music do you like?"
Fox News anchor: "Well, I'm not as young as I used to be, so I tend to go for slower rock nowadays, like Tom Petty, CCR, and Kenny Chesney. However, I still have a thing for Benghazi Osbourne."
Woman: "Ozzy Osbourne?"
Anchor: "Yeah - that's what I said."
Woman: "No - I think you said Benghazi Osbourne."
Anchor: "No, I didn't say Ozzy Osbourne. I said Benghazi Osbourne."
Woman: "I know - that's what I said."
Anchor: "No - you said I said Benghazi Osbourne instead of Ozzy Osbourne, when I said Benghazi Osbourne, not Ozzy Osbourne."
Woman: "Are you trying to be funny or something?"
Anchor: "No - totally serious. My favorite Benghazi song is probably 'Crazy Train.' That song always gets me pumped."
Woman: "I think I'm getting a headache and should probably go."
Anchor: "Oh, okay. Well, let me know when you get back and if you'd like to do this again. I think I'll just be driving home listening to Benghazi Osbourne's greatest hits!"
Woman: ::storms out::
Anchor: "Geez... Was it something I said?"
Fox & Friends introduce the game "The Six Degrees of Black Lives Matter" (9/3/15)
For as much as they discuss and scapegoat the movement on their show, it came as no surprise to anyone with half a brain for Fox & Friends co-hosts Steve Doocy, Elisabeth Hasselbeck, and Brian Kilmeade to introduce the new game "The Six Degrees of Black Lives Matter" on their show yesterday.
Doocy started the show off by saying, "As my lovely co-host Elisabeth recently pointed out, Black Lives Matter is definitely a hate group. They may have formed after unarmed black people were killed by cops or Fox News superhero George Zimmerman, but the fact remains they took the mic away from Bernie Sanders at a rally and said a really nasty chant toward cops in Minnesota which resulted in no one getting hurt, and I think that's evidence enough to prove they're a hate group. But just how evil are they? Elisabeth, Brian, and I were talking earlier, and we've all concluded that no matter what the random topic of evil, we'd be able to connect it to Black Lives Matter through the six degrees of segregation, or Devin Bacon, or whatever that's called. You catch my drift. We call this game 'The Six Degrees of Black Lives Matter.' So, let's play, shall we? We'll draw a word or event out of this original Abraham Lincoln top hat we bought on Amazon yesterday and will take turns to see if we can connect it to Black Lives Matter in six turns. I'll start. The word or event is earthquakes. Okay, Elisabeth, you can start with the first of six degrees of Black Lives Matter."
Elisabeth Hasselbeck: "Okay, #1, I'll say the earth shakes during earthquakes."
Brian Kilmeade: "Nice one! That's so true! Um, what are we on, #3? Oh, #2 - okay... Well, I know rap music makes things shake too, like cars and houses and stuff like that."
Doocy: "Isn't that the truth?!? Damn rap music! Although, I do like a couple of Peanut M&M's songs. Okay, so I'm next... Well, it's true that quite a number of black people like rap music, so yeah, I'll go with that."
Hasselbeck: "#4 - rap music often contains violent lyrics. People can defend that crap all they want; I'm sick and tired of hearing about the b-word's and ho-ho's!"
Kilmeade: "You're not kidding, doll-face! On that note, Black Lives Matter is violent too!"
Doocy: "We're on #6 here. So that means Black Lives Matter is responsible for earthquakes! You see, America? It's as simple as that, and yes, this group is very dangerous - even more dangerous than that global warming hoax those fancy scientists keep on talking about!"
Hasselbeck: "I'll start this next one. Okay, the word or event is Hurricane Katrina. Brian, you can start."
Kilmeade: "Okay, so for my first turn, I'll just say that Hurricane Katrina was most felt in that one city in Louisiana - New something."
Hasselbeck: "New Orleans?"
Kilmeade: "Yeah, that's the one. I knew it was either New Orleans, New York, or New Jersey. Well, anyway, that's my answer. Next?"
Doocy: "#2 - New Orleans, yes, New Orleans, Brian. New Orleans is known for jazz music."
Hasselbeck: "Didn't black people kind of invent jazz?"
Kilmeade: "I think maybe so or something. I don't really know. I have known some blacks of being angry at whites for trying to steal their jazz music, though!
Doocy: "For #5, some members of Black Lives Matter think whites kind of stole their freedoms!"
Hasselbeck: "That means, for #6, Black Lives Matter caused Hurricane Katrina! Gosh, this is just too easy, isn't it? Okay, Brian, your turn to draw something out of the hat."
Kilmeade: "Okay, the word or event is slavery."
Doocy: "Slavery? Really?"
Kilmeade: "Yeah, slavery..."
Doocy: "What does Black Lives Matter have to do with slavery?"
Hasselbeck: "Beats the heck out of me!"
Kilmeade: "I know; that's a tough one. Okay, Black Lives Matter, you stumped us this one time! Let's draw one more word from the hat. I'll go again... Okay, the word or event is Holocaust."
Doocy: "Well, that's an easier one. Okay, I'll start with Adolf Hitler."
Hasselbeck: "He had that funny looking mustache."
Kilmeade: "Yeah, he did. Who wears their mustaches like that anymore? Oh, I know! That Michael Jordan guy did in a Hanes commercial!"
Doocy: "I'm pretty sure I remember Jordan having a gambling problem. At least I heard one voice or person say that, so it has to be true."
Hasselbeck: "Speaking of money, Black Lives Matter members seem to believe that whites don't feel their lives are worth anything, which is nothing but hooey!"
Kilmeade: "#6 - that means Black Lives Matter must have had something to do with the Holocaust!"
Doocy: "Well, that was fun, wasn't it, guys? A little too easy, though, if you ask me. We may have to challenge ourselves a bit more the next time."
Kilmeade: "Yeah, like draw the word slavery again..."
Doocy: "Yeah, exactly! One thing's for certain, though, I think we here at Fox safely established that not only is Black Lives Matter a hate group, it has been around for a long time and reeked havoc wherever it's gone. After our discussion today, I think if someone were to ask me, 'Who's more dangerous, Black Lives Matter or ISIS?,' I'd have to flip a coin."
Kilmeade: "I got one. Heads it's Black Lives Matter and tails it's ISIS."
Doocy: "Sounds good"
Kilmeade: "It's heads."
Doocy: "So, Black Lives Matter?"
Kilmeade: "Was that what it was?"
Doocy: "I believe so..."
Kilmeade: "Then yeah..."
Hasselbeck: "Such haters..."
Doocy: "Yes, they are. Well, we have to take a short break. We'll be right back with a segment we call, 'Are fact-checkers the Antichrist?' We here at Fox say yes, but that's for us to report and you to decide, because we here at Fox News are always fair and balanced."
Fox News' War on Christmas seems misguided (12/12/13)
With another year almost complete, upon us is another year in the War on Christmas, so says Fox News and its followers. From people abbreviating Christmas to Xmas to "Merry Christmas" becoming "Happy Holidays" to Christmas trees being called holiday trees, the spirit of the Christmas season is obviously becoming no more. Christmas should be a time to celebrate family, tradition, commercialism, and the Jesus. Yes, we've taken the Christ out of Christmas, but not through silly symbolic measures such as abbreviations. No, if Fox News and the like want to go after people for waging a war against Christmas, perhaps they should look elsewhere, which this following story should illustrate:
Setting: Outside of a Wal-Mart just before Black Friday begins
::Wal-Mart officially opens on Black Friday::
Cindy Christ: ::pushes people:: "Out of my way! Get the hell out of my way, people! Hey, you over there - you better not be going for that doll! That's mine!"
Jessica Magdalene: "No, it's not! It's mine now! That's just too bad, isn't it?"
Cindy: "Give me that!" ::attempts pulling it away from Jessica::
Jessica: "No, it's mine - all mine! I'm giving it to my daughter! Go find something else!"
Cindy: ::smacks Jessica across the face and takes the doll: "That's what you think, you selfish b**ch!"
Jessica: ::jumps on Cindy's back, trying to take her down:: "Oh, no, you didn't! You're not going to get away that easy! Give it back! Give it back! I had it first!"
Cindy: "Get off of me, you fat cow! Go find another doll, or some Slim-Fast. At your size, if you slim down fast at all, you'll be down to 350 lbs. within a week!"
Jessica: "What? Take it back! Take it back!"
::the two start wrestling on the floor::
Walter Evil: "Ladies, ladies... Come on, now. Is this the way to behave? Here, there was one more doll hidden behind a few things. Here you are. Now you can both have one for your daughters or whoever you'll be giving them to."
::the two ladies get up and nod toward one another, as they continue huffing and puffing::
Walter: "There. That's better. Now let's all continue our shopping in a peaceful manner. What do you say?"
Cindy: "Okay, that sounds good. Thanks, sir. Merry Christmas."
Jessica: "Yeah, thanks. Merry Christmas."
Walter: "Happy Holidays to you both! Take care."
::the two ladies look at one another::
Cindy: "What? Don't you dare take Christ out of Christmas!"
Jessica: "Yeah! You heathen! Let's get him!"
::the two ladies start pouncing on the guy like Sugar Ray Leonard::
Walter: "Stop it! Please! You're hurting me! What did I do?"
Cindy: "You said Happy Holidays!"
::continues punching him::
Jessica: "Yeah! Take it back! Say Merry Christmas!"
Walter: "I don't understand! Please stop this!"
Jessica: "Say Merry Christmas!"
Walter: "Okay, alright, Merry Christmas."
::the two ladies get up::
Cindy: "There, was that so hard?"
Jessica: "Yeah, geez, those frickin' atheists. Wanna go grab a bite to eat?"
Cindy: "Yeah, I'm getting pretty hungry too. Alright, let's buy these dolls and go."
::Jessica pushes Walter down one more time::
Jessica: "A*shole!"
That’s it for today’s episode. I’ll see you again next week. Until then, check me out on PodBean, Twitter, Amazon, and Blogpsot. This has been I Feel Snitty with Craig Rozniecki. Take care.
Episode 15: "Fox No News (part 2)"
Premiere Date: 10/23/19
Length: 18:08 (2,954 words)
Link: https://ifeelsnitty.podbean.com/e/fox-no-news-part-2/
Transcript:
Welcome to I Feel Snitty, episode 15, entitled, “Fox No News (part 2).” I’m your host, Craig Rozniecki.
As I noted in last week’s episode, news broke over the past week that long-time Fox News anchor Shepard “Shep” Smith was resigning. Now that Smith is gone, the cable news network can now essentially call itself Fox No News. In honor of Shep’s departure, I thought I’d share with you some of my favorite pieces I’ve written about the Fox News network over the years just to show you how much bullshit Shep has had to deal with. Thanks to Shep for trying to provide a bit of sanity at Fox, consistently fighting the good fight, and hopefully he’ll land somewhere which doesn’t so much resemble a loony bin like Fox did. Here we go…
Sexist Fox and Friends (5/2/13)
Yesterday on the Fox News show Fox and Friends, hosts Steve Doocy (not to be confused with douchey), Brian Kilmeade, and Gretchen Carlson spent a full 13 minutes talking about a person in a video clip who took close to a half-hour to parallel park.
Doocy then said, "It took a full 30 minutes for the driver to squeeze into the parallel spot. So who was behind the wheel? Well, it turns out, it was a woman."
Douchey and Kilmeade then challenged Carlson and meteorologist Maria Molina to a battle of the sexes to see which pair could parallel park better than the other.
Fox News never ceases to amaze me at how it degrades women. Would the bit have been fine if Sir Douchey and company simply talked and laughed about the video clip without drawing attention to the fact the driver was a woman? Yes. However, Douchey had to go and do just that by saying, "...So who was behind the wheel? Well, it turns out, it was a woman."
I then read comments following the article from Fox defenders, complaining about the PC (political correctness) police, that liberals don't have a sense of humor, that people can't joke around about anything anymore, and to lighten up.
I'm sorry, but sexism isn't funny. The segment could have been entertaining if the writers and hosts went about things in a different manner, but they chose to spend that time mocking the driver, not because the driver was bad necessarily, but because the driver was a woman and fed into some seemingly ancient stereotypes.
There's quite a stark difference between the following two scenarios:
Scenario #1 - simply poking fun at the driver
Doocy: "Wow, would you look at that? How long is this going to take? Does anyone have a stopwatch?"
Kilmeade: "I know, right? This is worse than the time you tried parallel parking after smoking a few bowls. Remember that?"
Doocy: "Allegedly..."
Kilmeade: "Oh, there's nothing alleged about it. I have video evidence, right here as a matter of fact..."
Doocy: "Oh, please don't... So, where are we at? 25 minutes?"
Kilmeade: "I have 30 minutes. We could have watched 60 Minutes in that time-frame!"
Doocy: "I know, right?"
Kilmeade: "Oh, would you look at that? The parking mission is finally completed! This calls for a celebration!"
Doocy: "Cheers!"
Scenario #2 - poking fun at the driver's gender
Doocy: "Wow, would you look at that? How long is this going to take? Does anyone have a stopwatch?"
Kilmeade: "I know, right? This is almost as bad as you!"
Doocy: "Very funny. Did you get a look at the driver?"
Kilmeade: "Yup. It's a woman. Go figure, right?"
Doocy: "Women are such lousy drivers. It's a fact. I remember reading it somewhere one time."
Kilmeade: "They're always on their phones, doing their make-up, touching themselves. Just watch the road and drive, women!"
Doocy: "What is there to be talking about while driving anyway? Who has friends anymore, really?"
Kilmeade: "This show does!"
Doocy: "Ah-ha! That's a good one! But, back to women... I think it should be put into law that women can only drive taxis."
Kilmeade: "You mean ride in taxis, right?"
Doocy: "Oh yeah, that's right. I'm serious, though. I mean, just look at this woman trying to parallel park. How long has it been? 25 minutes?"
Kilmeade: "I have her down for 30 minutes, and yeah, I'm right with you - it's a scientific fact that women are bad drivers and shouldn't be allowed on the road, unless they're just walking and really hot."
Doocy: "Agreed. Oh, would you look at this? She parked! It only took her about 30 minutes! That's pretty good for a woman!"
Kilmeade: "Yeah, it is! I say just stay in the kitchen, ladies, and let us do the driving!"
Doocy: "Amen."
Fox News has a one-track mind (5/7/14)
If Benghazi were a woman, she would have filed a restraining order against Fox News a long time ago, and won. Fox seems more obsessed with Benghazi than the Chicago Cubs are about disappointing fans and meteorologists are about getting forecasts wrong. While CNN could probably change their name to MAN, or the Malaysian Airlines Network, Fox News could just change their name to BBS, or Benghazi Bullsh*t. It seems that regardless of the story at hand, Fox will find a way to link the story to Benghazi, or at least find an awkward segue. I imagine even after the anchors' programs end, they find ways to bring up Benghazi daily in the real world. While these following discussions may seem a bit far-fetched, sadly enough, watch Fox News for 15 minutes at any point throughout the day and you'll probably realize they're not that drastic of exaggerations after all.
Event: Fox News program
Anchor #1: "So, how about those Miami Heat? Coming off two straight NBA championships, they dominated the Charlotte Bobcats in the first round, and blew out the Brooklyn Nets in the first game of round two."
Anchor #2: "Enough about sticking balls in holes! Instead, let's talk about something which left holes in each and every one of our hearts - Benghazi."
Event: At the grocery store
Cashier: "That will be $119.48."
Fox News anchor: "How much? Are you kidding me? How can this cost that much? Are you ripping me off, lady? Wait, wait... I digress... You know what? I will pay you that amount of money. That's not nearly the price four people paid in Benghazi. How much was it again? $19?"
Event: Dinner with the family
Fox News anchor's wife: "Here you are, gentlemen. I know how much you all love lasagna. Dinner is served!"
Fox News anchor: "Wait - what? What's served? Benghazi?"
Wife: "Lasagna"
Anchor: "Oh, okay. Sorry - my mind was elsewhere when you said that apparently."
Wife: "It always is..."
Event: Conversing with his kids
Fox News anchor: "So, what is this about the Benghazi Apocalypse? I keep hearing about it - on the news, on Facebook, from other kids such as yourselves..."
Older kid: "It's the zombie apocalypse, dad!"
Anchor: "No, no, no. I distinctly heard Benghazi Apocalypse. Is that a new movie coming out or is it actually happening?"
Younger kid: "You're silly, dad."
Anchor: "No - I'm being 100% serious here! Someone tell me about the Benghazi Apocalypse!"
Both kids: ::laugh::
Anchor: "Ugh!"
Event: A first date
Woman: "So, what kind of music do you like?"
Fox News anchor: "Well, I'm not as young as I used to be, so I tend to go for slower rock nowadays, like Tom Petty, CCR, and Kenny Chesney. However, I still have a thing for Benghazi Osbourne."
Woman: "Ozzy Osbourne?"
Anchor: "Yeah - that's what I said."
Woman: "No - I think you said Benghazi Osbourne."
Anchor: "No, I didn't say Ozzy Osbourne. I said Benghazi Osbourne."
Woman: "I know - that's what I said."
Anchor: "No - you said I said Benghazi Osbourne instead of Ozzy Osbourne, when I said Benghazi Osbourne, not Ozzy Osbourne."
Woman: "Are you trying to be funny or something?"
Anchor: "No - totally serious. My favorite Benghazi song is probably 'Crazy Train.' That song always gets me pumped."
Woman: "I think I'm getting a headache and should probably go."
Anchor: "Oh, okay. Well, let me know when you get back and if you'd like to do this again. I think I'll just be driving home listening to Benghazi Osbourne's greatest hits!"
Woman: ::storms out::
Anchor: "Geez... Was it something I said?"
Fox & Friends introduce the game "The Six Degrees of Black Lives Matter" (9/3/15)
For as much as they discuss and scapegoat the movement on their show, it came as no surprise to anyone with half a brain for Fox & Friends co-hosts Steve Doocy, Elisabeth Hasselbeck, and Brian Kilmeade to introduce the new game "The Six Degrees of Black Lives Matter" on their show yesterday.
Doocy started the show off by saying, "As my lovely co-host Elisabeth recently pointed out, Black Lives Matter is definitely a hate group. They may have formed after unarmed black people were killed by cops or Fox News superhero George Zimmerman, but the fact remains they took the mic away from Bernie Sanders at a rally and said a really nasty chant toward cops in Minnesota which resulted in no one getting hurt, and I think that's evidence enough to prove they're a hate group. But just how evil are they? Elisabeth, Brian, and I were talking earlier, and we've all concluded that no matter what the random topic of evil, we'd be able to connect it to Black Lives Matter through the six degrees of segregation, or Devin Bacon, or whatever that's called. You catch my drift. We call this game 'The Six Degrees of Black Lives Matter.' So, let's play, shall we? We'll draw a word or event out of this original Abraham Lincoln top hat we bought on Amazon yesterday and will take turns to see if we can connect it to Black Lives Matter in six turns. I'll start. The word or event is earthquakes. Okay, Elisabeth, you can start with the first of six degrees of Black Lives Matter."
Elisabeth Hasselbeck: "Okay, #1, I'll say the earth shakes during earthquakes."
Brian Kilmeade: "Nice one! That's so true! Um, what are we on, #3? Oh, #2 - okay... Well, I know rap music makes things shake too, like cars and houses and stuff like that."
Doocy: "Isn't that the truth?!? Damn rap music! Although, I do like a couple of Peanut M&M's songs. Okay, so I'm next... Well, it's true that quite a number of black people like rap music, so yeah, I'll go with that."
Hasselbeck: "#4 - rap music often contains violent lyrics. People can defend that crap all they want; I'm sick and tired of hearing about the b-word's and ho-ho's!"
Kilmeade: "You're not kidding, doll-face! On that note, Black Lives Matter is violent too!"
Doocy: "We're on #6 here. So that means Black Lives Matter is responsible for earthquakes! You see, America? It's as simple as that, and yes, this group is very dangerous - even more dangerous than that global warming hoax those fancy scientists keep on talking about!"
Hasselbeck: "I'll start this next one. Okay, the word or event is Hurricane Katrina. Brian, you can start."
Kilmeade: "Okay, so for my first turn, I'll just say that Hurricane Katrina was most felt in that one city in Louisiana - New something."
Hasselbeck: "New Orleans?"
Kilmeade: "Yeah, that's the one. I knew it was either New Orleans, New York, or New Jersey. Well, anyway, that's my answer. Next?"
Doocy: "#2 - New Orleans, yes, New Orleans, Brian. New Orleans is known for jazz music."
Hasselbeck: "Didn't black people kind of invent jazz?"
Kilmeade: "I think maybe so or something. I don't really know. I have known some blacks of being angry at whites for trying to steal their jazz music, though!
Doocy: "For #5, some members of Black Lives Matter think whites kind of stole their freedoms!"
Hasselbeck: "That means, for #6, Black Lives Matter caused Hurricane Katrina! Gosh, this is just too easy, isn't it? Okay, Brian, your turn to draw something out of the hat."
Kilmeade: "Okay, the word or event is slavery."
Doocy: "Slavery? Really?"
Kilmeade: "Yeah, slavery..."
Doocy: "What does Black Lives Matter have to do with slavery?"
Hasselbeck: "Beats the heck out of me!"
Kilmeade: "I know; that's a tough one. Okay, Black Lives Matter, you stumped us this one time! Let's draw one more word from the hat. I'll go again... Okay, the word or event is Holocaust."
Doocy: "Well, that's an easier one. Okay, I'll start with Adolf Hitler."
Hasselbeck: "He had that funny looking mustache."
Kilmeade: "Yeah, he did. Who wears their mustaches like that anymore? Oh, I know! That Michael Jordan guy did in a Hanes commercial!"
Doocy: "I'm pretty sure I remember Jordan having a gambling problem. At least I heard one voice or person say that, so it has to be true."
Hasselbeck: "Speaking of money, Black Lives Matter members seem to believe that whites don't feel their lives are worth anything, which is nothing but hooey!"
Kilmeade: "#6 - that means Black Lives Matter must have had something to do with the Holocaust!"
Doocy: "Well, that was fun, wasn't it, guys? A little too easy, though, if you ask me. We may have to challenge ourselves a bit more the next time."
Kilmeade: "Yeah, like draw the word slavery again..."
Doocy: "Yeah, exactly! One thing's for certain, though, I think we here at Fox safely established that not only is Black Lives Matter a hate group, it has been around for a long time and reeked havoc wherever it's gone. After our discussion today, I think if someone were to ask me, 'Who's more dangerous, Black Lives Matter or ISIS?,' I'd have to flip a coin."
Kilmeade: "I got one. Heads it's Black Lives Matter and tails it's ISIS."
Doocy: "Sounds good"
Kilmeade: "It's heads."
Doocy: "So, Black Lives Matter?"
Kilmeade: "Was that what it was?"
Doocy: "I believe so..."
Kilmeade: "Then yeah..."
Hasselbeck: "Such haters..."
Doocy: "Yes, they are. Well, we have to take a short break. We'll be right back with a segment we call, 'Are fact-checkers the Antichrist?' We here at Fox say yes, but that's for us to report and you to decide, because we here at Fox News are always fair and balanced."
Fox News' War on Christmas seems misguided (12/12/13)
With another year almost complete, upon us is another year in the War on Christmas, so says Fox News and its followers. From people abbreviating Christmas to Xmas to "Merry Christmas" becoming "Happy Holidays" to Christmas trees being called holiday trees, the spirit of the Christmas season is obviously becoming no more. Christmas should be a time to celebrate family, tradition, commercialism, and the Jesus. Yes, we've taken the Christ out of Christmas, but not through silly symbolic measures such as abbreviations. No, if Fox News and the like want to go after people for waging a war against Christmas, perhaps they should look elsewhere, which this following story should illustrate:
Setting: Outside of a Wal-Mart just before Black Friday begins
::Wal-Mart officially opens on Black Friday::
Cindy Christ: ::pushes people:: "Out of my way! Get the hell out of my way, people! Hey, you over there - you better not be going for that doll! That's mine!"
Jessica Magdalene: "No, it's not! It's mine now! That's just too bad, isn't it?"
Cindy: "Give me that!" ::attempts pulling it away from Jessica::
Jessica: "No, it's mine - all mine! I'm giving it to my daughter! Go find something else!"
Cindy: ::smacks Jessica across the face and takes the doll: "That's what you think, you selfish b**ch!"
Jessica: ::jumps on Cindy's back, trying to take her down:: "Oh, no, you didn't! You're not going to get away that easy! Give it back! Give it back! I had it first!"
Cindy: "Get off of me, you fat cow! Go find another doll, or some Slim-Fast. At your size, if you slim down fast at all, you'll be down to 350 lbs. within a week!"
Jessica: "What? Take it back! Take it back!"
::the two start wrestling on the floor::
Walter Evil: "Ladies, ladies... Come on, now. Is this the way to behave? Here, there was one more doll hidden behind a few things. Here you are. Now you can both have one for your daughters or whoever you'll be giving them to."
::the two ladies get up and nod toward one another, as they continue huffing and puffing::
Walter: "There. That's better. Now let's all continue our shopping in a peaceful manner. What do you say?"
Cindy: "Okay, that sounds good. Thanks, sir. Merry Christmas."
Jessica: "Yeah, thanks. Merry Christmas."
Walter: "Happy Holidays to you both! Take care."
::the two ladies look at one another::
Cindy: "What? Don't you dare take Christ out of Christmas!"
Jessica: "Yeah! You heathen! Let's get him!"
::the two ladies start pouncing on the guy like Sugar Ray Leonard::
Walter: "Stop it! Please! You're hurting me! What did I do?"
Cindy: "You said Happy Holidays!"
::continues punching him::
Jessica: "Yeah! Take it back! Say Merry Christmas!"
Walter: "I don't understand! Please stop this!"
Jessica: "Say Merry Christmas!"
Walter: "Okay, alright, Merry Christmas."
::the two ladies get up::
Cindy: "There, was that so hard?"
Jessica: "Yeah, geez, those frickin' atheists. Wanna go grab a bite to eat?"
Cindy: "Yeah, I'm getting pretty hungry too. Alright, let's buy these dolls and go."
::Jessica pushes Walter down one more time::
Jessica: "A*shole!"
That’s it for today’s episode. I’ll see you again next week. Until then, check me out on PodBean, Twitter, Amazon, and Blogpsot. This has been I Feel Snitty with Craig Rozniecki. Take care.
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