Podcast: "I Feel Snitty"
Episode 13: "Insane in the Ukraine (part 2)"
Premiere Date: 10/9/19
Length: 14:18 (2,264 words)
Link: https://ifeelsnitty.podbean.com/e/insane-in-the-ukraine-part-2/
Transcript:
Welcome to I Feel Snitty, episode 13, entitled, “Insane in the Ukraine (part 2).” I’m your host, Craig Rozniecki. Well, as promised in the previous episode, I will now provide listeners with what I feel are the missing 15 minutes of dialogue between Donald Trump and Volodymyr Kelensky in their July 25th phone call.
Donald Trump: “So, you understand what I’m saying, right? I’ll only give you military funding if you dig up dirt on my likely opponent in the 2020 presidential election, Joe Biden, and his son, Hunter.”
Volodymyr Kelensky: “Yes, Mr. President; I understand.”
Donald Trump: “Are you sure? Like really sure? I’m basically telling you to rig our election so I win…”
Volodymyr Kelensky: “Yes, I think you’ve made that quite clear.”
Donald Trump: “Okay, good. What’s that called anyway?”
Volodymyr Kelensky: “What’s what called?”
Donald Trump: “You know… I’ll only do something if you do something. There’s a term for that, right?”
Volodymyr Kelensky: “We agreed to not use that term on this call, remember? That’s why we came up with a code word for it.”
Donald Trump: “Oh, yeah. What’s the code word again?”
Volodymyr Kelensky: “Covfefe”
Donald Trump: “Really? I thought the code word was something like quid pro quo.”
Volodymyr Kelensky: “That’s… Nevermind… You have yourself a deal, Mr. President. Operation Covfefe has officially been launched.”
Donald Trump: “Operation Quid Pro Quo, gotcha…”
Volodymyr Kelensky: “You really shouldn’t use that word, Mr. President…”
Donald Trump: “Why not? Are you religious or something?”
Volodymyr Kelensky: “Yes, something like that…”
Donald Trump: “So, tell me something… Have you ever just gone and grabbed a woman by the, eh, how do I put this? The covfefe?”
Volodymyr Kelensky: “What does that mean?”
Donald Trump: “You know… It’s like our code word…”
Volodymyr Kelensky: “For the operation. Not for anything else.”
Donald Trump: “Oh, right, that quid pro quo thing.”
Volodymyr Kelensky: “I suggest we change the subject and talk about a different subject.”
Donald Trump: “Okay, like what?”
Volodymyr Kelensky: “I don’t know, Mr. President. You do know the best words. Think of something.”
Donald Trump: “That’s true. I do, like bigly. Wanna hear a joke?”
Volodymyr Kelensky: “Yes, I’d like that.”
Donald Trump: “Okay. Knock knock.”
Volodymyr Kelensky: “Come in.”
Donald Trump: “What?”
Volodymyr Kelensky: “You knocked on the door, so I politely said you could come in.”
Donald Trump: “That’s not what you say. After I say ‘knock knock,’ you ask, ‘Who’s there?’”
Volodymyr Kelensky: “Why?”
Donald Trump: “I don’t know. I didn’t like tweet the rules on knock-knock jokes. Okay, let’s try this again. Knock knock…”
Volodymyr Kelensky: “Who’s there?”
Donald Trump: “Laundry”
Volodymyr Kelensky: “How can laundry just show up at my door and start talking? I do not believe that is possible.”
Donald Trump: “Wow… Okay, so after I say ‘laundry,’ you say, ‘laundry who?’”
Volodymyr Kelensky: “Why?”
Donald Trump: “No, not ‘laundry why,’ ‘laundry who?’”
Volodymyr Kelensky: “But why’s it ‘who’ and not ‘why?’”
Donald Trump: “Why?”
Volodymyr Kelensky: “That’s what I’m asking.”
Donald Trump: “Huh?”
Volodymyr Kelensky: “What?”
Donald Trump: “Just say ‘laundry who?,’ okay?”
Volodymyr Kelensky: “Laundry who?”
Donald Trump: “Not now. Ugh. Knock knock…”
Volodymyr Kelensky: “Who’s there?”
Donald Trump: “Laundry”
Volodymyr Kelensky: “Laundry who?”
Donald Trump: “Money laundering - the only laundry I’ve ever done. Get it?”
Volodymyr Kelensky: “Isn’t that illegal?”
Donald Trump: “Well, yeah. That’s why I don’t want my tax returns released. President Putin really has me by the covfefes, if you know what I mean.”
Volodymyr Kelensky: “No, I actually do not, Mr. President.”
Donald Trump: “Very well. Let’s see… What other crimes have I committed? I’ve got a whole laundry list of things…”
Volodymyr Kelensky: “I thought you didn’t do laundry.”
Donald Trump: “Who told you that?”
Volodymyr Kelensky: “You did.”
Donald Trump: “When? Was I there?”
Volodymyr Kelensky: “A couple of minutes ago, and yes, I should hope so.”
Donald Trump: “Whatever. Fake news. So back to my laundry list of crimes…”
Volodymyr Kelensky: “Are you sure you want to go into that?”
Donald Trump: “Why not?”
Volodymyr Kelensky: “This could be used as evidence against you in a court of law.”
Donald Trump: “Hey, it’s like Johnny Cochrane once said, ‘If he admits, you must acquit.’”
Volodymyr Kelensky: “I do not believe that’s what he said.”
Donald Trump: “Well, whatever it was, it was pretty similar.”
Volodymyr Kelensky: “No, it really wasn’t.”
Donald Trump: “That’s just your opinion.”
Volodymyr Kelensky: “More like fact, Mr. President.”
Donald Trump: “Whatever. Tomato. Zucchini.”
Volodymyr Kelensky: “What? Nevermind… So how’s the weather there, Mr. President?”
Donald Trump: “Getting colder by the day, which is really quite something, because of the whole ‘global warming’ crisis and all.”
Volodymyr Kelensky: “Isn’t it getting closer to winter?”
Donald Trump: “Yeah, so?”
Volodymyr Kelensky: “Doesn’t it always get colder around this time of year?”
Donald Trump: “Exactly! So if global warming was real, this kind of thing would never happen! Excellent point, Salinsky!”
Volodymyr Kelensky: “That’s not at all what I was saying, and it’s Kelensky.”
Donald Trump: “Trubisky?”
Volodymyr Kelensky: “Kelensky”
Donald Trump: “How about President KY Jelly?”
Volodymyr Kelensky: “No”
Donald Trump: “Okay, President KY Jelly, it is. So, is it ‘the Ukraine’ or ‘just Ukraine?’”
Volodymyr Kelensky: “Just ‘Ukraine’”
Donald Trump: “So, if I’m listing off a bunch of countries, I’d say: Russia, Jina, Turkey, Chicken, Sirloin, and Just Ukraine?”
Volodymyr Kelensky: “No, no, it’s not ‘Just Ukraine,’ it’s just ‘Ukraine.’”
Donald Trump: “So then, Russia, Jina, Turkey, Chicken, Sirloin, and just Ukraine?”
Volodymyr Kelensky: “Ukraine. That’s it. Just ‘Ukraine.’”
Donald Trump: “Oh, so ‘Ukraine’ is like the abbreviation of ‘Just Ukraine?’ That makes sense.”
Volodymyr Kelensky: :: sighs :: “So, how’s your wife?”
Donald Trump: “Which one?”
Volodymyr Kelensky: “Your current one…”
Donald Trump: “Oh, Melanie?”
Volodymyr Kelensky: “Isn’t it Melania?”
Donald Trump: “That’s what I said. Melanie is good; thanks for asking. She just came back from Canada. Her and Trudeau did this charity event thing. I think it was called the Justin Tea Party or the Justin Teabag Party. I’m not sure which. She seemed pretty happy when she came back, though, almost like she was glowing. Then I saw her texting with Justin. They were sending pictures back and forth, pretending to be nudists. Something to do with the charity. She has put so much work into that thing. I’m so proud of her.”
Volodymyr Kelensky: “It sounds like he’s put a lot of work into her thing too.”
Donald Trump: “What?”
Volodymyr Kelensky: “It sounds like Justin Trudeau has worked very hard with your wife on their things.”
Donald Trump: “Oh, yeah. True, true. So…”
Volodymyr Kelensky: “So…”
Donald Trump: “So… You said you went to Trump Tower in New York? Wasn’t that biggest, best, most best hotel tower thingy you’d ever seen?”
Volodymyr Kelensky: “Yes, it was very nice.”
Donald Trump: “Did you have the taco bowl? Best taco bowl this side of Guacamole.”
Volodymyr Kelensky: “Guacamole?”
Donald Trump: “Yeah, that country near Mexico.”
Volodymyr Kelensky: “Oh, never heard of it. No, I didn’t. I’ll have to try that next time. Speaking of Mexico, have you built your wall yet?”
Donald Trump: “Oh, it’s comin’. All the wall that was there prior to me entering office has stayed there and no more has been built. So, yeah, I built that.”
Volodymyr Kelensky: “You built a wall before you were president?”
Donald Trump: “Well, yeah. How else would it have gotten built?”
Volodymyr Kelensky: “I don’t know. Other people?”
Donald Trump: “Don’t be ridiculous. So, like I was saying, this wall that was in place before I ever entered the Oral Office and no more has been built; a wall I’ve never laid a hand on myself; I built that.”
Volodymyr Kelensky: “That’s very impressive, Mr. President.”
Donald Trump: “I know. Took a lot of hard work. You don’t even know. No one does, including me.”
Volodymyr Kelensky: “Yes, that’s what it certainly sounds like.”
Donald Trump: “So do you need anything else from us besides uranium, nukes, or whatever?”
Volodymyr Kelensky: “We’re not asking for uranium, nukes, or even whatever, Mr. President.”
Donald Trump: “Wait, so what do you want?”
Volodymyr Kelensky: “Military funding”
Donald Trump: “Oh, yeah. I always get those things mixed up.”
Volodymyr Kelensky: “Uranium, nukes, whatever, military funding. Yes, I can understand that, Mr. President.”
Donald Trump: “Are you macking me?”
Volodymyr Kelensky: “I think you mean mocking…”
Donald Trump: “No, it’s macking. Anyway, how would you know? English isn’t even your first language.”
Volodymyr Kelensky: “I’m beginning to wonder if it’s yours.”
Donald Trump: “You better cut it out! If you don’t, this deal is off. Do you hear me?”
Volodymyr Kelensky: “What?”
Donald Trump: “Do you hear me, President KY Jelly?”
Volodymyr Kelensky: “I really wish you wouldn’t call me that.”
Donald Trump: “Do we have a deal or not? Military funding, uranium, nukes, and whatever in exchange for dirt on an already debunked conspiracy theory. Deal or no deal?”
Volodymyr Kelensky: “Deal, Mr. President. Deal. I apologize, Mr. President. I have not been getting much sleep lately and have not been getting any covfefe from the ladies.”
Donald Trump: “Quid pro quo? Oh, so you mean, like hookers? I’ve been there, watched ‘em pee on each other. You know who has the best hookers? Russia. I know you and my Vlady probably aren’t Facebook friends or whatever, but he’s really a great guy. You should get to know him better. He’ll even help you with your laundry, if you catch my drift.”
Volodymyr Kelensky: “I don’t believe I want to, Mr. President.”
Donald Trump: “Okay, well, if you ever do, just call me.”
Volodymyr Kelensky: “I will do that, but won’t actually do that. Thank you.”
Donald Trump: “So, is there anything else you’d like to discuss?”
Volodymyr Kelensky: “I can’t think of anything. Thank you, Mr. President.”
Donald Trump: “I wasn’t finished. I was going to say, ‘So is there anything else you’d like to discuss?,’ before interrupting whatever unimportant thing it was you were going to say and add, ‘Because there’s something I’d like to talk about - how great my country really is.’”
Volodymyr Kelensky: “Your country is very special; this is true.”
Donald Trump: “I mean, just look at us. We have the best military; best healthcare system; best edu, edu, best schools. Who always wins the Olympics? We do. Who always wins presidential elections in our country? Americans. That just proves we’re the best right there.”
Volodymyr Kelensky: “That is quite something.”
Donald Trump: “What Olympic sport do you think they should add, KY?”
Volodymyr Kelensky: “I don’t know, Mr. President. There are already so many.”
Donald Trump: “But are there enough? Can there ever be enough?”
Volodymyr Kelensky: “I don’t think I’m really the one to ask about that.”
Donald Trump: “The correct answer is a big fat, but not obese ‘no.’”
Volodymyr Kelensky: “That’s good to know, Mr. President. So what sports do you think should be added?”
Donald Trump: “So many. So many. I mean, no matter what sport we add, my country is going to win, rest insured.”
Volodymyr Kelensky: “Okay… But you didn‘t answer my question.”
Donald Trump: “Hey, back off. Don’t be like the liberal lamestream fake news media from the best, freest, perhaps too free country in the history of the thingy - the United States of America.”
Volodymyr Kelensky: “Okay, I’ll wait…”
Donald Trump: “Good, good… Where was I?”
Volodymyr Kelensky: “Answering my question.”
Donald Trump: “Which was?”
Volodymyr Kelensky: “What sporting events would you like added to the Olympics?”
Donald Trump: “Oh, right, right. So, like, I think a lot of sports should be combined to form completely different sports. Like, instead of a tennis ball, I think, in tennis, they should use a basketball. It could be called baskennis. Instead of using a basketball, I think basketball players should need to shoot a bowling ball. Bowleting has a certain ring to it, doesn’t it? Then in soccer, they should have to kick around a ping pong ball. We could call that PP Soc. What do you think?”
Volodymyr Kelensky: “Very interesting, Mr. President. I think you have quite an, eh, interesting vision. Please keep me updated on this and let me know how it goes.”
Donald Trump: “Will do. Oh, I have another one. Combine curling and figure skating, so the duets have to skate around holding brooms. I’m not sure what to call this yet, but I’m leaning toward Figure Curl Wirching.”
Volodymyr Kelensky: “Wirching?”
Donald Trump: “Yeah, wirching. You’ve never heard of it?”
Volodymyr Kelensky: “No, sorry. You really do know the best words, Mr. President.”
Donald Trump: “I know. Speaking of which, you wanna go and get a hamberder or something?”
Volodymyr Kelensky: “Right now?”
Donald Trump: “Yeah, sure”
Volodymyr Kelensky: “I’m in Ukraine.”
Donald Trump: “Using the abbreviation again. Okay, okay. Well, the next time you’re not in ‘Just Ukraine’ and are in a far better country - the USA, we’ll grab a hamberder. Sound good?”
Volodymyr Kelensky: “Okay, but for the last time, it’s Ukraine, not Just Ukraine. It‘s Ukraine. Got that?”
Donald Trump: “Alright, alright. Don’t be so uptight, KY. You’re like one of those guys who abbreviates June to J-e-w-n.”
Volodymyr Kelensky: “I think you mean J-u-n.”
Donald Trump: “No, that’s juhn. I’m talking about June. Big difference.”
…and scene…
That’s it for today’s episode. I’ll see you again next week. Until then, check me out on PodBean, Twitter, Amazon, and Blogpsot. This has been I Feel Snitty with Craig Rozniecki. Take care.
Episode 13: "Insane in the Ukraine (part 2)"
Premiere Date: 10/9/19
Length: 14:18 (2,264 words)
Link: https://ifeelsnitty.podbean.com/e/insane-in-the-ukraine-part-2/
Transcript:
Welcome to I Feel Snitty, episode 13, entitled, “Insane in the Ukraine (part 2).” I’m your host, Craig Rozniecki. Well, as promised in the previous episode, I will now provide listeners with what I feel are the missing 15 minutes of dialogue between Donald Trump and Volodymyr Kelensky in their July 25th phone call.
Donald Trump: “So, you understand what I’m saying, right? I’ll only give you military funding if you dig up dirt on my likely opponent in the 2020 presidential election, Joe Biden, and his son, Hunter.”
Volodymyr Kelensky: “Yes, Mr. President; I understand.”
Donald Trump: “Are you sure? Like really sure? I’m basically telling you to rig our election so I win…”
Volodymyr Kelensky: “Yes, I think you’ve made that quite clear.”
Donald Trump: “Okay, good. What’s that called anyway?”
Volodymyr Kelensky: “What’s what called?”
Donald Trump: “You know… I’ll only do something if you do something. There’s a term for that, right?”
Volodymyr Kelensky: “We agreed to not use that term on this call, remember? That’s why we came up with a code word for it.”
Donald Trump: “Oh, yeah. What’s the code word again?”
Volodymyr Kelensky: “Covfefe”
Donald Trump: “Really? I thought the code word was something like quid pro quo.”
Volodymyr Kelensky: “That’s… Nevermind… You have yourself a deal, Mr. President. Operation Covfefe has officially been launched.”
Donald Trump: “Operation Quid Pro Quo, gotcha…”
Volodymyr Kelensky: “You really shouldn’t use that word, Mr. President…”
Donald Trump: “Why not? Are you religious or something?”
Volodymyr Kelensky: “Yes, something like that…”
Donald Trump: “So, tell me something… Have you ever just gone and grabbed a woman by the, eh, how do I put this? The covfefe?”
Volodymyr Kelensky: “What does that mean?”
Donald Trump: “You know… It’s like our code word…”
Volodymyr Kelensky: “For the operation. Not for anything else.”
Donald Trump: “Oh, right, that quid pro quo thing.”
Volodymyr Kelensky: “I suggest we change the subject and talk about a different subject.”
Donald Trump: “Okay, like what?”
Volodymyr Kelensky: “I don’t know, Mr. President. You do know the best words. Think of something.”
Donald Trump: “That’s true. I do, like bigly. Wanna hear a joke?”
Volodymyr Kelensky: “Yes, I’d like that.”
Donald Trump: “Okay. Knock knock.”
Volodymyr Kelensky: “Come in.”
Donald Trump: “What?”
Volodymyr Kelensky: “You knocked on the door, so I politely said you could come in.”
Donald Trump: “That’s not what you say. After I say ‘knock knock,’ you ask, ‘Who’s there?’”
Volodymyr Kelensky: “Why?”
Donald Trump: “I don’t know. I didn’t like tweet the rules on knock-knock jokes. Okay, let’s try this again. Knock knock…”
Volodymyr Kelensky: “Who’s there?”
Donald Trump: “Laundry”
Volodymyr Kelensky: “How can laundry just show up at my door and start talking? I do not believe that is possible.”
Donald Trump: “Wow… Okay, so after I say ‘laundry,’ you say, ‘laundry who?’”
Volodymyr Kelensky: “Why?”
Donald Trump: “No, not ‘laundry why,’ ‘laundry who?’”
Volodymyr Kelensky: “But why’s it ‘who’ and not ‘why?’”
Donald Trump: “Why?”
Volodymyr Kelensky: “That’s what I’m asking.”
Donald Trump: “Huh?”
Volodymyr Kelensky: “What?”
Donald Trump: “Just say ‘laundry who?,’ okay?”
Volodymyr Kelensky: “Laundry who?”
Donald Trump: “Not now. Ugh. Knock knock…”
Volodymyr Kelensky: “Who’s there?”
Donald Trump: “Laundry”
Volodymyr Kelensky: “Laundry who?”
Donald Trump: “Money laundering - the only laundry I’ve ever done. Get it?”
Volodymyr Kelensky: “Isn’t that illegal?”
Donald Trump: “Well, yeah. That’s why I don’t want my tax returns released. President Putin really has me by the covfefes, if you know what I mean.”
Volodymyr Kelensky: “No, I actually do not, Mr. President.”
Donald Trump: “Very well. Let’s see… What other crimes have I committed? I’ve got a whole laundry list of things…”
Volodymyr Kelensky: “I thought you didn’t do laundry.”
Donald Trump: “Who told you that?”
Volodymyr Kelensky: “You did.”
Donald Trump: “When? Was I there?”
Volodymyr Kelensky: “A couple of minutes ago, and yes, I should hope so.”
Donald Trump: “Whatever. Fake news. So back to my laundry list of crimes…”
Volodymyr Kelensky: “Are you sure you want to go into that?”
Donald Trump: “Why not?”
Volodymyr Kelensky: “This could be used as evidence against you in a court of law.”
Donald Trump: “Hey, it’s like Johnny Cochrane once said, ‘If he admits, you must acquit.’”
Volodymyr Kelensky: “I do not believe that’s what he said.”
Donald Trump: “Well, whatever it was, it was pretty similar.”
Volodymyr Kelensky: “No, it really wasn’t.”
Donald Trump: “That’s just your opinion.”
Volodymyr Kelensky: “More like fact, Mr. President.”
Donald Trump: “Whatever. Tomato. Zucchini.”
Volodymyr Kelensky: “What? Nevermind… So how’s the weather there, Mr. President?”
Donald Trump: “Getting colder by the day, which is really quite something, because of the whole ‘global warming’ crisis and all.”
Volodymyr Kelensky: “Isn’t it getting closer to winter?”
Donald Trump: “Yeah, so?”
Volodymyr Kelensky: “Doesn’t it always get colder around this time of year?”
Donald Trump: “Exactly! So if global warming was real, this kind of thing would never happen! Excellent point, Salinsky!”
Volodymyr Kelensky: “That’s not at all what I was saying, and it’s Kelensky.”
Donald Trump: “Trubisky?”
Volodymyr Kelensky: “Kelensky”
Donald Trump: “How about President KY Jelly?”
Volodymyr Kelensky: “No”
Donald Trump: “Okay, President KY Jelly, it is. So, is it ‘the Ukraine’ or ‘just Ukraine?’”
Volodymyr Kelensky: “Just ‘Ukraine’”
Donald Trump: “So, if I’m listing off a bunch of countries, I’d say: Russia, Jina, Turkey, Chicken, Sirloin, and Just Ukraine?”
Volodymyr Kelensky: “No, no, it’s not ‘Just Ukraine,’ it’s just ‘Ukraine.’”
Donald Trump: “So then, Russia, Jina, Turkey, Chicken, Sirloin, and just Ukraine?”
Volodymyr Kelensky: “Ukraine. That’s it. Just ‘Ukraine.’”
Donald Trump: “Oh, so ‘Ukraine’ is like the abbreviation of ‘Just Ukraine?’ That makes sense.”
Volodymyr Kelensky: :: sighs :: “So, how’s your wife?”
Donald Trump: “Which one?”
Volodymyr Kelensky: “Your current one…”
Donald Trump: “Oh, Melanie?”
Volodymyr Kelensky: “Isn’t it Melania?”
Donald Trump: “That’s what I said. Melanie is good; thanks for asking. She just came back from Canada. Her and Trudeau did this charity event thing. I think it was called the Justin Tea Party or the Justin Teabag Party. I’m not sure which. She seemed pretty happy when she came back, though, almost like she was glowing. Then I saw her texting with Justin. They were sending pictures back and forth, pretending to be nudists. Something to do with the charity. She has put so much work into that thing. I’m so proud of her.”
Volodymyr Kelensky: “It sounds like he’s put a lot of work into her thing too.”
Donald Trump: “What?”
Volodymyr Kelensky: “It sounds like Justin Trudeau has worked very hard with your wife on their things.”
Donald Trump: “Oh, yeah. True, true. So…”
Volodymyr Kelensky: “So…”
Donald Trump: “So… You said you went to Trump Tower in New York? Wasn’t that biggest, best, most best hotel tower thingy you’d ever seen?”
Volodymyr Kelensky: “Yes, it was very nice.”
Donald Trump: “Did you have the taco bowl? Best taco bowl this side of Guacamole.”
Volodymyr Kelensky: “Guacamole?”
Donald Trump: “Yeah, that country near Mexico.”
Volodymyr Kelensky: “Oh, never heard of it. No, I didn’t. I’ll have to try that next time. Speaking of Mexico, have you built your wall yet?”
Donald Trump: “Oh, it’s comin’. All the wall that was there prior to me entering office has stayed there and no more has been built. So, yeah, I built that.”
Volodymyr Kelensky: “You built a wall before you were president?”
Donald Trump: “Well, yeah. How else would it have gotten built?”
Volodymyr Kelensky: “I don’t know. Other people?”
Donald Trump: “Don’t be ridiculous. So, like I was saying, this wall that was in place before I ever entered the Oral Office and no more has been built; a wall I’ve never laid a hand on myself; I built that.”
Volodymyr Kelensky: “That’s very impressive, Mr. President.”
Donald Trump: “I know. Took a lot of hard work. You don’t even know. No one does, including me.”
Volodymyr Kelensky: “Yes, that’s what it certainly sounds like.”
Donald Trump: “So do you need anything else from us besides uranium, nukes, or whatever?”
Volodymyr Kelensky: “We’re not asking for uranium, nukes, or even whatever, Mr. President.”
Donald Trump: “Wait, so what do you want?”
Volodymyr Kelensky: “Military funding”
Donald Trump: “Oh, yeah. I always get those things mixed up.”
Volodymyr Kelensky: “Uranium, nukes, whatever, military funding. Yes, I can understand that, Mr. President.”
Donald Trump: “Are you macking me?”
Volodymyr Kelensky: “I think you mean mocking…”
Donald Trump: “No, it’s macking. Anyway, how would you know? English isn’t even your first language.”
Volodymyr Kelensky: “I’m beginning to wonder if it’s yours.”
Donald Trump: “You better cut it out! If you don’t, this deal is off. Do you hear me?”
Volodymyr Kelensky: “What?”
Donald Trump: “Do you hear me, President KY Jelly?”
Volodymyr Kelensky: “I really wish you wouldn’t call me that.”
Donald Trump: “Do we have a deal or not? Military funding, uranium, nukes, and whatever in exchange for dirt on an already debunked conspiracy theory. Deal or no deal?”
Volodymyr Kelensky: “Deal, Mr. President. Deal. I apologize, Mr. President. I have not been getting much sleep lately and have not been getting any covfefe from the ladies.”
Donald Trump: “Quid pro quo? Oh, so you mean, like hookers? I’ve been there, watched ‘em pee on each other. You know who has the best hookers? Russia. I know you and my Vlady probably aren’t Facebook friends or whatever, but he’s really a great guy. You should get to know him better. He’ll even help you with your laundry, if you catch my drift.”
Volodymyr Kelensky: “I don’t believe I want to, Mr. President.”
Donald Trump: “Okay, well, if you ever do, just call me.”
Volodymyr Kelensky: “I will do that, but won’t actually do that. Thank you.”
Donald Trump: “So, is there anything else you’d like to discuss?”
Volodymyr Kelensky: “I can’t think of anything. Thank you, Mr. President.”
Donald Trump: “I wasn’t finished. I was going to say, ‘So is there anything else you’d like to discuss?,’ before interrupting whatever unimportant thing it was you were going to say and add, ‘Because there’s something I’d like to talk about - how great my country really is.’”
Volodymyr Kelensky: “Your country is very special; this is true.”
Donald Trump: “I mean, just look at us. We have the best military; best healthcare system; best edu, edu, best schools. Who always wins the Olympics? We do. Who always wins presidential elections in our country? Americans. That just proves we’re the best right there.”
Volodymyr Kelensky: “That is quite something.”
Donald Trump: “What Olympic sport do you think they should add, KY?”
Volodymyr Kelensky: “I don’t know, Mr. President. There are already so many.”
Donald Trump: “But are there enough? Can there ever be enough?”
Volodymyr Kelensky: “I don’t think I’m really the one to ask about that.”
Donald Trump: “The correct answer is a big fat, but not obese ‘no.’”
Volodymyr Kelensky: “That’s good to know, Mr. President. So what sports do you think should be added?”
Donald Trump: “So many. So many. I mean, no matter what sport we add, my country is going to win, rest insured.”
Volodymyr Kelensky: “Okay… But you didn‘t answer my question.”
Donald Trump: “Hey, back off. Don’t be like the liberal lamestream fake news media from the best, freest, perhaps too free country in the history of the thingy - the United States of America.”
Volodymyr Kelensky: “Okay, I’ll wait…”
Donald Trump: “Good, good… Where was I?”
Volodymyr Kelensky: “Answering my question.”
Donald Trump: “Which was?”
Volodymyr Kelensky: “What sporting events would you like added to the Olympics?”
Donald Trump: “Oh, right, right. So, like, I think a lot of sports should be combined to form completely different sports. Like, instead of a tennis ball, I think, in tennis, they should use a basketball. It could be called baskennis. Instead of using a basketball, I think basketball players should need to shoot a bowling ball. Bowleting has a certain ring to it, doesn’t it? Then in soccer, they should have to kick around a ping pong ball. We could call that PP Soc. What do you think?”
Volodymyr Kelensky: “Very interesting, Mr. President. I think you have quite an, eh, interesting vision. Please keep me updated on this and let me know how it goes.”
Donald Trump: “Will do. Oh, I have another one. Combine curling and figure skating, so the duets have to skate around holding brooms. I’m not sure what to call this yet, but I’m leaning toward Figure Curl Wirching.”
Volodymyr Kelensky: “Wirching?”
Donald Trump: “Yeah, wirching. You’ve never heard of it?”
Volodymyr Kelensky: “No, sorry. You really do know the best words, Mr. President.”
Donald Trump: “I know. Speaking of which, you wanna go and get a hamberder or something?”
Volodymyr Kelensky: “Right now?”
Donald Trump: “Yeah, sure”
Volodymyr Kelensky: “I’m in Ukraine.”
Donald Trump: “Using the abbreviation again. Okay, okay. Well, the next time you’re not in ‘Just Ukraine’ and are in a far better country - the USA, we’ll grab a hamberder. Sound good?”
Volodymyr Kelensky: “Okay, but for the last time, it’s Ukraine, not Just Ukraine. It‘s Ukraine. Got that?”
Donald Trump: “Alright, alright. Don’t be so uptight, KY. You’re like one of those guys who abbreviates June to J-e-w-n.”
Volodymyr Kelensky: “I think you mean J-u-n.”
Donald Trump: “No, that’s juhn. I’m talking about June. Big difference.”
…and scene…
That’s it for today’s episode. I’ll see you again next week. Until then, check me out on PodBean, Twitter, Amazon, and Blogpsot. This has been I Feel Snitty with Craig Rozniecki. Take care.
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