Podcast: "I Feel Snitty"
Episode 16: "Drumpf Doesn't Know the Best Geography"
Premiere Date: 10/30/19
Length: 21:33 (3,376 words)
Link: https://ifeelsnitty.podbean.com/e/drumpf-doesnt-know-the-best-geography/
Transcript:
Welcome to I Feel Snitty, episode 16, entitled, “Drumpf Doesn’t Know the Best Geography.” I’m your host, Craig Rozniecki.
During a keynote speech at the ironically titled Shale INSIGHT Conference in Pittsburgh last week, Donald Trump said this:
“Massive new investments are bringing in thousands of energy jobs to states like Ohio and West Virginia that we mentioned, that we love. New Mexico, which I think we’re going to win. You know why we’re going to win New Mexico? Because they want safety on their border. And they didn’t have it.
And we’re building a wall on the border of New Mexico, and we’re building a wall in Colorado. We’re building a beautiful wall, a big one that really works, that you can’t get over, you can’t get under. And we’re building a wall in Texas. And we’re not building a wall in Kansas, but they get the benefit of the walls that we just mentioned.”
Yes, wondrous insight indeed, considering the fact Colorado doesn’t border Mexico. Psst, Mr. Fake President, Mexico and New Mexico aren’t the same thing. He then, of course, tried to defend his remark after receiving the inevitable backlash, tweeting:
“(Kiddingly) We’re building a Wall in Colorado’ (then stated, ‘we’re not building a Wall in Kansas but they get the benefit of the Wall we’re building on the Border’) refered to people in the very packed auditorium, from Colorado & Kansas, getting the benefit of the Border Wall!”
Yeah, because The Donald is known for his jokes. Let me read his quote again and you try telling me, with a straight face, that the guy was joking:
“Massive new investments are bringing in thousands of energy jobs to states like Ohio and West Virginia that we mentioned, that we love. New Mexico, which I think we’re going to win. You know why we’re going to win New Mexico? Because they want safety on their border. And they didn’t have it.
And we’re building a wall on the border of New Mexico, and we’re building a wall in Colorado. We’re building a beautiful wall, a big one that really works, that you can’t get over, you can’t get under. And we’re building a wall in Texas. And we’re not building a wall in Kansas, but they get the benefit of the walls that we just mentioned.”
Funny guy. Such a funny guy. Why single out Colorado and Kansas then? Why not mention Nevada, Utah, Wyoming, Nebraska, Oklahoma, and the Dakotas? He does realize there are 50 states, right? Wait, don’t answer that question. He probably doesn’t. So why did he specifically mention a wall in Colorado? Because he was dead serious and dead wrong, as he so often is.
So, given Donald Trump’s obvious lack of geographical knowledge, I thought I’d have a little fun with this. Let’s play the hot new once-played game, “What Do You Know About a State?,” where we ask our guest to tell us what first comes to mind when he or she hears the name of a U.S. state. The host will be yours truly and our guest today will be none other than Donald Trump.
CR: “Welcome, Mr. Trump.”
DT: “Call me oh Donny boy.”
CR: “I’d rather not.”
DT: “Well, that’s too bad, isn’t it?”
CR: “Yes, I suppose it is. Okay, oh Donny boy, you know the rules, right?”
DT: “Yeah. Something something something and then something else.”
CR: “Okay, so I’ll run through this again for you.”
DT: “No need. I think I got it.”
CR: “I’ll just go through it for the people at home.”
DT: “As you wish.”
CR: “I will list off every US state and you then tell me what it is you first think about when you hear these names, essentially testing your knowledge of our country.”
DT: “I know everything.”
CR: “We’ll see.”
DT: “You’ll see that I’m right.”
CR: “Okay… First up is Alabama…”
DT: “I love that song. Didn’t Richie Valens Halen sing that? Great movie too. Starred my favorite actor: Lou Diamond Rings. Great name. Great name. I still have the best rings, though, believe me.”
CR: “I’m sure… How about Alaska?”
DT: “You’ll ask a what? A question? Don’t do that. I don’t like questions. Some people say there’s no such thing as a stupid question. Wrong! All questions are stupid. You know how I know that? Because I’ve never asked a question. …you know?”
CR: “Kind of… Up next Arizona.”
DT: “The only thing I think of when I hear that term is cactuses. That’s it. I’m serious. I had a pet cactus once. I named it Baby’s Butt, because he was so smooth.”
CR: “Well, that’s interesting. Arkansas?”
DT: “I tried sawing a can once. It’s not as easy as it sounds, but I did it. Of course I did it. No one saws cans like I do. If you need some cans sawed, I’m your guy, bigly.”
CR: “At least you can do something, I guess.”
DT: “What’s that supposed to mean?”
CR: “Oh, nothing. So what do you think of when you hear the word California?”
DT: “Not a lot of people know this, but I’m a big fan of the song ‘California Love.’ Did you know Dr. Dre was my doctor a while back? True story. He once told me not to worry about this burning sensation I had. Said it was nothin’ but a pee thing. True story.”
CR: “Eh, okay, moving on… Colorado?”
DT: “I don’t think I’ve ever received a call from someone named Ado before. I have received a call from Geraldo, though. Great guy. Just fantastic. I call him M&M&M for Miracle Moustache Man.”
CR: “Connecticut?”
DT: “Oh, yeah. I played that game as a kid. Some people called it Connect-Four; I called it Connecticut. I always won. Nobody connects one better than me. Period.”
CR: “That sounds like quite the challenging game.”
DT: “Oh, you have no idea.”
CR: “I don’t think anybody but you does.”
DT: “What?”
CR: “Delaware. That’s Delaware.”
DT: “What? I thought it was where is Daldo? Who’s Dela? Where is Dela? Wait, is it that airline? Dela-Northsouth or something? I know the best words, but Delaware sounds like covfefe to me, I gotta say.”
CR: “Yes, you most certainly do. How about Florida?”
DT: “That sounds like a incomplete sentence, as the Asian nerds in my English classes would tell me after I bullied them to help me like the good Christian American patriot I am. Florida? Flor-ida what? They need to tell us. Someone needs to tell us. Like now.”
CR: “I’m not going to do that.”
DT: “Why not?”
CR: “To drive you crazier.”
DT: “You’re not very nice, are you?”
CR: “I have my moments.”
DT: “This isn’t one of them, though, I take it?”
CR: “For once, you’re correct. So, onto our game. Georgia.”
DT: “I’ve gotta say something, I don’t normally like people named George. No offense to all the Georges out there, but you kind of suck. Just look at the Bushes. Then there’s that curious monkey guy. The only George I ever knew and liked was a guy I called G. I thought it stood for George. Came to find out it stood for Gloria.”
CR: “I’m not going to even ask. Hawaii?”
DT: “Hawaii? I thought it was Hawaii except after ‘c.’ That’s true, right? It has to be true because I believe it and have tweeted it once, or one more than once, whatever that‘s called.”
CR: “Twice.”
DT: “What’s that?”
CR: “Nevermind. What are your thoughts on Idaho?”
DT: “Those are my favorite kinds of women in the world. No woman can be better than one who screams out, ‘I Da Ho’ while peeing on another such woman, at a hotel, in Russia. Well, so I’ve heard. Oh, I’ve heard it loud and clear.”
CR: “Of course you have. We’re up to Illinois.”
DT: “Noise can make me ill sometimes, I have to be honest. That’s why I talk so quiet. Ever seen me at a rally? I try to make it so not even a deaf person can hear me. That’s how quiet I am, folks.”
CR: “I think there may be a few people who disagree with you there.”
DT: “Who would those people be?”
CR: “Just about everyone.”
DT: “George?”
CR: “I’m sure everyone named George do as well.”
DT: “I knew it!”
CR: “May we continue please? Indiana.”
DT: “Jones.”
CR: “…and?”
DT: “That was the right answer, right? What do I win? Anything? This is getting fun. Okay, what’s next?”
CR: “Yes, your prize is now telling us what you think of when you hear the word Iowa.”
DT: “That’s it? I’ve gotta tell you; I was expecting more. Very well… Okay, so I know this song:
Old MacDonald had a farm,
E, I, e, I, owa,
And on this farm he had a whores,
E, I, e, I, owa,
With a oh, oh here,
And a oh no there,
Here a oh,
There a oh,
Everywhere a oh no,
Old MacDonald had a farm,
E, I, e, I, owa.
CR: “I’ve gotta say, I’ve yet to hear that rendition.”
DT: “It’s the only one. Wait, ren, what? And stimpy?”
CR: “Kansas.”
DT: “Ren and Kansas?”
CR: “No, up next for you to comment on is Kansas.”
DT: “Oh, okay. Thanks for clearing that up.”
CR: “Yeah, sure…”
DT: “Okay, so I’ve gotta tell you, this is probably my least favorite state. This is where Obama got his catch phrase of yes, I Kansas. No, you kantsas! Get it? See what I did there? I know jokes; I have the best jokes.”
CR: “So says a party of one.”
DT: “Oh, it’s a party of many.”
CR: “What, including the voices you hear?”
DT: “Yeah. Wait, what?”
CR: “So, oh Donny boy, what are your thoughts on Kentucky?”
DT: “Oh, that’s easy. The. Best. Chicken. Ever. It’s all over the place! This confuses me, though. Why is it Kentucky Fried Chicken in Tennessee? Shouldn’t it be Tennessee Kentucky Fried Chicken? Wouldn’t that make more sense?”
CR: “Are you asking me?”
DT: “It’s just a oracle question.”
CR: “You mean rhetorical?”
DT: “No, just oracle.”
CR: “Okay then. So, how about Louisiana?”
DT: “Always gets me choked up. Very sad. Especially for Thelma.”
CR: “Maine?”
DT: “Maine what? Street? Job? Wife? Give me some direction here. If it’s wife, I’ve had 3 main ones and a few side main ones.”
CR: “How can you have more than one main… Nevermind. We’re now at the state of Maryland…”
DT: “Two words: Mon. Roe. She was a beaut. I dressed my lovely daughter-wife Ivanka up as her on one of my birthdays and it was the best birthday song in the history of birthday songs. My 3rd main wife, Melanie, is giving me a weird look right now, but yeah, it was simply unbelievable, believe me.”
CR: “I’m with your 3rd main wife on this one.”
DT: “No, you’re not. She’s right over here.”
CR: “No, not literally.”
DT: “So, just the other one? That f-word?”
CR: “Figuratively?”
DT: “Sure, let’s go with that.”
CR: “Then yes. Let’s continue on… Massachusetts…”
DT: “I chew masses of food while I sit, yes. So what’s the question?”
CR: “Nope, that’s enough.”
DT: “Okay, next.”
CR: “Michigan.”
DT: “Great tires. The best. Well, until I start making tires, Trump tires. They’ll be fantastic. Need proof? Just try some Trump Steaks and Vodka sometime.”
CR: “Sorry, can’t find them anywhere. They seem to be all out.”
DT: “That’s because they’re so fabulous.”
CR: “If you say so.”
DT: “I do.”
CR: “You’ve said those two words several times, haven’t you?”
DT: “Huh?”
CR: “Minnesota. That’s Minnesota.”
DT: “Lots of lakes. Lots of water. Lots of watery lakes. The only thing missing is walls. We need to build walls around these lakes and make the Canadians pay for them. Canadians are too nice, and it’s the quiet ones you gotta watch. Those quiet ones? Canadians.”
CR: “I’m not going to even bother with that one. Up next is Mississippi.”
DT: “I don’t know about you, but I don’t miss issippi. Why would I miss issippi? I don’t even know Issippi. Why would I miss someone I don’t know? It’s like all of those imprisoned former best friend-turned coffee boy people who were working for me. Why would I miss them? Didn’t know them.”
CR: “That doesn’t make a bit of sense, but carrying on… Missouri.”
DT: “I don’t know what you’re suggesting here. I’m a happy person. When am I not laughing or smiling or even smiling while laughing? I dare you to find a picture where I’m like not the compete opposite of misery!”
CR: “How about I take a picture of you right now for proof?”
DT: “Oh, but I’m having a fantastic time. Just tremendous.”
CR: “That makes one of us. That brings us to Montana.”
DT: “Joe was pretty good. Really good actually. Of course, he had that Rice-a-roni guy to throw to. That pair sure was something special. Lots of dunks, home runs, and penalty shots between them. It was very impressive.”
CR: “You sure know your sports…”
DT: “I know all of it.”
CR: “Them.”
DT: “Them who?”
CR: “You know all of them.”
DT: “Them what?”
CR: “Forget it… Nebraska.”
DT: “You already said this one. You said Alaska. Stop repeating yourself.”
CR: “That’s not the same thing.”
DT: “Wait, you’re telling me Nebraska is different than Alaska? Whatever. It’s like I said earlier, all questions look alike - stupid.”
CR: “Fine. Be that way. Nevada.”
DT: “Can we skip this one? I don’t much care for casinos. Bad memories.”
CR: “I don’t know why that would be, but I’ll play along. New Hampshire.”
DT: “I’m not familiar with the new shares in hemp. I mean, the stuff isn’t completely legal yet. After hemp gets legal, I’ll gladly talk to you about New Hampshire.”
CR: “Shouldn’t be too long now… How about New Jersey?”
DT: “The best jerseys are the old ones, because they’re like older than the new ones. They’re, eh, you know, more mature. They’ve been around longer. They’re not as recent. They’ve seen a lot of things, a lot more things, like more than the newer ones.”
CR: “That they have… New Mexico?”
DT: “They’re bringing crime. They’re drug-dealers and rapists, only newer than the Old Mexicans I talked about before.”
CR: “I’m not going to even comment on that. New York?”
DT: “This is where it all is, people. This is where it all happens. Where all the people go. This is the best of the best. Where everyone wants to be. I’m, of course, talking about taco bowls at Trump Tower Grille.”
CR: “Of course you are. Happy Cinco de Mayo.”
DT: “Happy Sinks and MAYO.”
CR: “:: sigh :: North Carolina?”
DT: “Look, I have just one gripe with this place. I hear one of their main schools is called the Blue Devils. I’ve met the devil and he ain’t blue. He’s more like a funky orange, with white around his eyes.”
CR: “I think I’ve seen him too. Very recently as a matter of fact. Like right now. Anyway, we’re now at North Dakota.”
DT: “Great state. Just fantastic. Best city in the world is Fargo. You know why? Spelled backwards, it’s Go Far.”
CR: “Spelled backwards, it’s Ograf.”
DT: “Potato. Tomahto.”
CR: “Ohio.”
DT: “No state spells four-letter words better than these guys. They obviously learned at Trump University. The two best four-letter words - Ohio and Trump. No question about it. No question.”
CR: “Yes, because to question that inaccurate claim would be stupid.”
DT: “That’s right. That’s wait, what?”
CR: “Moving on… Oklahoma.”
DT: “I’ve heard of Oklahoma, but never tried it. Would you recommend it with a side of salsa or guacamole? It is a Mexican dish, right?”
CR: “Yes, Oklahoma is a dish commonly served at Mexican restaurants. I recommend it with a side of Colorado and Arkansas.”
DT: “Good to know. Good to know. What’s next?”
CR: “Oregon.”
DT: “I once died of gonorrhea in this Trail game. I’m very glad to say that hasn’t happened. Not yet, folks. Not yet.”
CR: “Ooh, that’s a softball. I’m going to take the walk. Up next is Pennsylvania.”
DT: “I don’t much care for pencils, in Vania or anywhere else. I don’t really like to read. Or write. Or words. Or letters. Words are stupid, folks, very, very stupid, but I still know the best ones. Oh, do I ever.”
CR: “Yeah, okay, Donny boy.”
DT: “That’s oh Donny boy. Big difference. Big difference, Craig.”
CR: “Oh Donny boy. Better?”
DT: “So much.”
CR: “Great. So, Rhode Island.”
DT: “How can a road be a island? That is one bigly small island. What do they call it? Island Road? Sounds pretty silly if you ask me, and I know you did.”
CR: “I actually didn’t.”
DT: “Yeah, you did.”
CR: “Whatever. South Carolina.”
DT: “My Siri, who’s actually my son, Eric, just told me South Carolina is actually north of North Carolina. Is this true? Of course it’s true. It’s Eric. He’s such a stable genius. I’m so proud.”
CR: “As you should be. South Dakota.”
DT: “I just Goo-Gooed this and the Goo-Goo says the capital city is Pierre? What kind of a pussy-ass name is that? They should succeed from the union, like right away!”
CR: “You know, my middle name is Pierre.”
DT: “It is?”
CR: “No. Moving on… Tennessee.”
DT: “I don’t see many tens anymore. Heidi Klum? No longer a ten. All of my current and former wives? Ex-tens. Really, when you think about it, the only real ten is me. I’m president 45 after all, so I’m like ten times two, which is like a lot of tens - probably like five of them.”
CR: “You may want to recheck your math.”
DT: “I’ll give you something to recheck.”
CR: “No thank you. Up next is Texas.”
DT: “Walker: Texas Ranger was the best show in the history of television. Chuck Norris should have won every Grammy for that show. It’s truly a crime he didn’t. Treason that he didn’t.”
CR: “I don’t think that word means what you think it means.”
DT: “I invented the word. On Twitter. Like yesterday.”
CR: “I’m trying to bite my tongue here. Can we finish, please? We’re almost done.”
DT: “Yeah, yeah, yeah.”
CR: “Thank you. So what do you think about Utah?”
DT: “This is what I used to say after performing a magic trick. Only amateurs say tah-dah. Pros like me say Utah!”
CR: “I guess there’s only one pro then. How about Vermont?”
DT: “I don’t go where vermins go. I just charge people money to sleep with them for a few nights.”
CR: “Yikes… …and what about Virginia?”
DT: “I lost my Virginia when I was pretty young. I don’t get that one 40-year-old Virginia. How can that Virginia go 40 years without a vagina? Makes no sense.”
CR: “Washington.”
DT: “I never wash a ton. I pay someone else, usually a black person. Hey, did you know the first black president was named George Washington? That’s funny.”
CR: “Hilarious. West Virginia.”
DT: “Hey, I’ve already talked about those loser Virginia guys once already. Enough is enough!”
CR: “Wisconsin.”
DT: “That reminds me, you know who makes the best Wis(s) cheese? Wisconsin. Wisconsin makes the best Wis(s) cheese. I mean, you don’t even know if you don’t know.”
CR: “…and lastly, Wyoming.”
DT: “This state is God of the country. Seriously, it has all the answers. Why? Why not? Why ask why? Wyoming.”
CR: “Well, that’s it for the first and hopefully last airing of the show ‘What Do You Know About a State?’ Thank you to oh Donny boy for his time. I think we all learned something new about the sort-of-man today. Know how I know? As he said, Wyoming.”
That’s it for today’s episode. I’ll see you again next week. Until then, check me out on PodBean, Twitter, Amazon, and Blogpsot. This has been I Feel Snitty with Craig Rozniecki. Take care.
Episode 16: "Drumpf Doesn't Know the Best Geography"
Premiere Date: 10/30/19
Length: 21:33 (3,376 words)
Link: https://ifeelsnitty.podbean.com/e/drumpf-doesnt-know-the-best-geography/
Transcript:
Welcome to I Feel Snitty, episode 16, entitled, “Drumpf Doesn’t Know the Best Geography.” I’m your host, Craig Rozniecki.
During a keynote speech at the ironically titled Shale INSIGHT Conference in Pittsburgh last week, Donald Trump said this:
“Massive new investments are bringing in thousands of energy jobs to states like Ohio and West Virginia that we mentioned, that we love. New Mexico, which I think we’re going to win. You know why we’re going to win New Mexico? Because they want safety on their border. And they didn’t have it.
And we’re building a wall on the border of New Mexico, and we’re building a wall in Colorado. We’re building a beautiful wall, a big one that really works, that you can’t get over, you can’t get under. And we’re building a wall in Texas. And we’re not building a wall in Kansas, but they get the benefit of the walls that we just mentioned.”
Yes, wondrous insight indeed, considering the fact Colorado doesn’t border Mexico. Psst, Mr. Fake President, Mexico and New Mexico aren’t the same thing. He then, of course, tried to defend his remark after receiving the inevitable backlash, tweeting:
“(Kiddingly) We’re building a Wall in Colorado’ (then stated, ‘we’re not building a Wall in Kansas but they get the benefit of the Wall we’re building on the Border’) refered to people in the very packed auditorium, from Colorado & Kansas, getting the benefit of the Border Wall!”
Yeah, because The Donald is known for his jokes. Let me read his quote again and you try telling me, with a straight face, that the guy was joking:
“Massive new investments are bringing in thousands of energy jobs to states like Ohio and West Virginia that we mentioned, that we love. New Mexico, which I think we’re going to win. You know why we’re going to win New Mexico? Because they want safety on their border. And they didn’t have it.
And we’re building a wall on the border of New Mexico, and we’re building a wall in Colorado. We’re building a beautiful wall, a big one that really works, that you can’t get over, you can’t get under. And we’re building a wall in Texas. And we’re not building a wall in Kansas, but they get the benefit of the walls that we just mentioned.”
Funny guy. Such a funny guy. Why single out Colorado and Kansas then? Why not mention Nevada, Utah, Wyoming, Nebraska, Oklahoma, and the Dakotas? He does realize there are 50 states, right? Wait, don’t answer that question. He probably doesn’t. So why did he specifically mention a wall in Colorado? Because he was dead serious and dead wrong, as he so often is.
So, given Donald Trump’s obvious lack of geographical knowledge, I thought I’d have a little fun with this. Let’s play the hot new once-played game, “What Do You Know About a State?,” where we ask our guest to tell us what first comes to mind when he or she hears the name of a U.S. state. The host will be yours truly and our guest today will be none other than Donald Trump.
CR: “Welcome, Mr. Trump.”
DT: “Call me oh Donny boy.”
CR: “I’d rather not.”
DT: “Well, that’s too bad, isn’t it?”
CR: “Yes, I suppose it is. Okay, oh Donny boy, you know the rules, right?”
DT: “Yeah. Something something something and then something else.”
CR: “Okay, so I’ll run through this again for you.”
DT: “No need. I think I got it.”
CR: “I’ll just go through it for the people at home.”
DT: “As you wish.”
CR: “I will list off every US state and you then tell me what it is you first think about when you hear these names, essentially testing your knowledge of our country.”
DT: “I know everything.”
CR: “We’ll see.”
DT: “You’ll see that I’m right.”
CR: “Okay… First up is Alabama…”
DT: “I love that song. Didn’t Richie Valens Halen sing that? Great movie too. Starred my favorite actor: Lou Diamond Rings. Great name. Great name. I still have the best rings, though, believe me.”
CR: “I’m sure… How about Alaska?”
DT: “You’ll ask a what? A question? Don’t do that. I don’t like questions. Some people say there’s no such thing as a stupid question. Wrong! All questions are stupid. You know how I know that? Because I’ve never asked a question. …you know?”
CR: “Kind of… Up next Arizona.”
DT: “The only thing I think of when I hear that term is cactuses. That’s it. I’m serious. I had a pet cactus once. I named it Baby’s Butt, because he was so smooth.”
CR: “Well, that’s interesting. Arkansas?”
DT: “I tried sawing a can once. It’s not as easy as it sounds, but I did it. Of course I did it. No one saws cans like I do. If you need some cans sawed, I’m your guy, bigly.”
CR: “At least you can do something, I guess.”
DT: “What’s that supposed to mean?”
CR: “Oh, nothing. So what do you think of when you hear the word California?”
DT: “Not a lot of people know this, but I’m a big fan of the song ‘California Love.’ Did you know Dr. Dre was my doctor a while back? True story. He once told me not to worry about this burning sensation I had. Said it was nothin’ but a pee thing. True story.”
CR: “Eh, okay, moving on… Colorado?”
DT: “I don’t think I’ve ever received a call from someone named Ado before. I have received a call from Geraldo, though. Great guy. Just fantastic. I call him M&M&M for Miracle Moustache Man.”
CR: “Connecticut?”
DT: “Oh, yeah. I played that game as a kid. Some people called it Connect-Four; I called it Connecticut. I always won. Nobody connects one better than me. Period.”
CR: “That sounds like quite the challenging game.”
DT: “Oh, you have no idea.”
CR: “I don’t think anybody but you does.”
DT: “What?”
CR: “Delaware. That’s Delaware.”
DT: “What? I thought it was where is Daldo? Who’s Dela? Where is Dela? Wait, is it that airline? Dela-Northsouth or something? I know the best words, but Delaware sounds like covfefe to me, I gotta say.”
CR: “Yes, you most certainly do. How about Florida?”
DT: “That sounds like a incomplete sentence, as the Asian nerds in my English classes would tell me after I bullied them to help me like the good Christian American patriot I am. Florida? Flor-ida what? They need to tell us. Someone needs to tell us. Like now.”
CR: “I’m not going to do that.”
DT: “Why not?”
CR: “To drive you crazier.”
DT: “You’re not very nice, are you?”
CR: “I have my moments.”
DT: “This isn’t one of them, though, I take it?”
CR: “For once, you’re correct. So, onto our game. Georgia.”
DT: “I’ve gotta say something, I don’t normally like people named George. No offense to all the Georges out there, but you kind of suck. Just look at the Bushes. Then there’s that curious monkey guy. The only George I ever knew and liked was a guy I called G. I thought it stood for George. Came to find out it stood for Gloria.”
CR: “I’m not going to even ask. Hawaii?”
DT: “Hawaii? I thought it was Hawaii except after ‘c.’ That’s true, right? It has to be true because I believe it and have tweeted it once, or one more than once, whatever that‘s called.”
CR: “Twice.”
DT: “What’s that?”
CR: “Nevermind. What are your thoughts on Idaho?”
DT: “Those are my favorite kinds of women in the world. No woman can be better than one who screams out, ‘I Da Ho’ while peeing on another such woman, at a hotel, in Russia. Well, so I’ve heard. Oh, I’ve heard it loud and clear.”
CR: “Of course you have. We’re up to Illinois.”
DT: “Noise can make me ill sometimes, I have to be honest. That’s why I talk so quiet. Ever seen me at a rally? I try to make it so not even a deaf person can hear me. That’s how quiet I am, folks.”
CR: “I think there may be a few people who disagree with you there.”
DT: “Who would those people be?”
CR: “Just about everyone.”
DT: “George?”
CR: “I’m sure everyone named George do as well.”
DT: “I knew it!”
CR: “May we continue please? Indiana.”
DT: “Jones.”
CR: “…and?”
DT: “That was the right answer, right? What do I win? Anything? This is getting fun. Okay, what’s next?”
CR: “Yes, your prize is now telling us what you think of when you hear the word Iowa.”
DT: “That’s it? I’ve gotta tell you; I was expecting more. Very well… Okay, so I know this song:
Old MacDonald had a farm,
E, I, e, I, owa,
And on this farm he had a whores,
E, I, e, I, owa,
With a oh, oh here,
And a oh no there,
Here a oh,
There a oh,
Everywhere a oh no,
Old MacDonald had a farm,
E, I, e, I, owa.
CR: “I’ve gotta say, I’ve yet to hear that rendition.”
DT: “It’s the only one. Wait, ren, what? And stimpy?”
CR: “Kansas.”
DT: “Ren and Kansas?”
CR: “No, up next for you to comment on is Kansas.”
DT: “Oh, okay. Thanks for clearing that up.”
CR: “Yeah, sure…”
DT: “Okay, so I’ve gotta tell you, this is probably my least favorite state. This is where Obama got his catch phrase of yes, I Kansas. No, you kantsas! Get it? See what I did there? I know jokes; I have the best jokes.”
CR: “So says a party of one.”
DT: “Oh, it’s a party of many.”
CR: “What, including the voices you hear?”
DT: “Yeah. Wait, what?”
CR: “So, oh Donny boy, what are your thoughts on Kentucky?”
DT: “Oh, that’s easy. The. Best. Chicken. Ever. It’s all over the place! This confuses me, though. Why is it Kentucky Fried Chicken in Tennessee? Shouldn’t it be Tennessee Kentucky Fried Chicken? Wouldn’t that make more sense?”
CR: “Are you asking me?”
DT: “It’s just a oracle question.”
CR: “You mean rhetorical?”
DT: “No, just oracle.”
CR: “Okay then. So, how about Louisiana?”
DT: “Always gets me choked up. Very sad. Especially for Thelma.”
CR: “Maine?”
DT: “Maine what? Street? Job? Wife? Give me some direction here. If it’s wife, I’ve had 3 main ones and a few side main ones.”
CR: “How can you have more than one main… Nevermind. We’re now at the state of Maryland…”
DT: “Two words: Mon. Roe. She was a beaut. I dressed my lovely daughter-wife Ivanka up as her on one of my birthdays and it was the best birthday song in the history of birthday songs. My 3rd main wife, Melanie, is giving me a weird look right now, but yeah, it was simply unbelievable, believe me.”
CR: “I’m with your 3rd main wife on this one.”
DT: “No, you’re not. She’s right over here.”
CR: “No, not literally.”
DT: “So, just the other one? That f-word?”
CR: “Figuratively?”
DT: “Sure, let’s go with that.”
CR: “Then yes. Let’s continue on… Massachusetts…”
DT: “I chew masses of food while I sit, yes. So what’s the question?”
CR: “Nope, that’s enough.”
DT: “Okay, next.”
CR: “Michigan.”
DT: “Great tires. The best. Well, until I start making tires, Trump tires. They’ll be fantastic. Need proof? Just try some Trump Steaks and Vodka sometime.”
CR: “Sorry, can’t find them anywhere. They seem to be all out.”
DT: “That’s because they’re so fabulous.”
CR: “If you say so.”
DT: “I do.”
CR: “You’ve said those two words several times, haven’t you?”
DT: “Huh?”
CR: “Minnesota. That’s Minnesota.”
DT: “Lots of lakes. Lots of water. Lots of watery lakes. The only thing missing is walls. We need to build walls around these lakes and make the Canadians pay for them. Canadians are too nice, and it’s the quiet ones you gotta watch. Those quiet ones? Canadians.”
CR: “I’m not going to even bother with that one. Up next is Mississippi.”
DT: “I don’t know about you, but I don’t miss issippi. Why would I miss issippi? I don’t even know Issippi. Why would I miss someone I don’t know? It’s like all of those imprisoned former best friend-turned coffee boy people who were working for me. Why would I miss them? Didn’t know them.”
CR: “That doesn’t make a bit of sense, but carrying on… Missouri.”
DT: “I don’t know what you’re suggesting here. I’m a happy person. When am I not laughing or smiling or even smiling while laughing? I dare you to find a picture where I’m like not the compete opposite of misery!”
CR: “How about I take a picture of you right now for proof?”
DT: “Oh, but I’m having a fantastic time. Just tremendous.”
CR: “That makes one of us. That brings us to Montana.”
DT: “Joe was pretty good. Really good actually. Of course, he had that Rice-a-roni guy to throw to. That pair sure was something special. Lots of dunks, home runs, and penalty shots between them. It was very impressive.”
CR: “You sure know your sports…”
DT: “I know all of it.”
CR: “Them.”
DT: “Them who?”
CR: “You know all of them.”
DT: “Them what?”
CR: “Forget it… Nebraska.”
DT: “You already said this one. You said Alaska. Stop repeating yourself.”
CR: “That’s not the same thing.”
DT: “Wait, you’re telling me Nebraska is different than Alaska? Whatever. It’s like I said earlier, all questions look alike - stupid.”
CR: “Fine. Be that way. Nevada.”
DT: “Can we skip this one? I don’t much care for casinos. Bad memories.”
CR: “I don’t know why that would be, but I’ll play along. New Hampshire.”
DT: “I’m not familiar with the new shares in hemp. I mean, the stuff isn’t completely legal yet. After hemp gets legal, I’ll gladly talk to you about New Hampshire.”
CR: “Shouldn’t be too long now… How about New Jersey?”
DT: “The best jerseys are the old ones, because they’re like older than the new ones. They’re, eh, you know, more mature. They’ve been around longer. They’re not as recent. They’ve seen a lot of things, a lot more things, like more than the newer ones.”
CR: “That they have… New Mexico?”
DT: “They’re bringing crime. They’re drug-dealers and rapists, only newer than the Old Mexicans I talked about before.”
CR: “I’m not going to even comment on that. New York?”
DT: “This is where it all is, people. This is where it all happens. Where all the people go. This is the best of the best. Where everyone wants to be. I’m, of course, talking about taco bowls at Trump Tower Grille.”
CR: “Of course you are. Happy Cinco de Mayo.”
DT: “Happy Sinks and MAYO.”
CR: “:: sigh :: North Carolina?”
DT: “Look, I have just one gripe with this place. I hear one of their main schools is called the Blue Devils. I’ve met the devil and he ain’t blue. He’s more like a funky orange, with white around his eyes.”
CR: “I think I’ve seen him too. Very recently as a matter of fact. Like right now. Anyway, we’re now at North Dakota.”
DT: “Great state. Just fantastic. Best city in the world is Fargo. You know why? Spelled backwards, it’s Go Far.”
CR: “Spelled backwards, it’s Ograf.”
DT: “Potato. Tomahto.”
CR: “Ohio.”
DT: “No state spells four-letter words better than these guys. They obviously learned at Trump University. The two best four-letter words - Ohio and Trump. No question about it. No question.”
CR: “Yes, because to question that inaccurate claim would be stupid.”
DT: “That’s right. That’s wait, what?”
CR: “Moving on… Oklahoma.”
DT: “I’ve heard of Oklahoma, but never tried it. Would you recommend it with a side of salsa or guacamole? It is a Mexican dish, right?”
CR: “Yes, Oklahoma is a dish commonly served at Mexican restaurants. I recommend it with a side of Colorado and Arkansas.”
DT: “Good to know. Good to know. What’s next?”
CR: “Oregon.”
DT: “I once died of gonorrhea in this Trail game. I’m very glad to say that hasn’t happened. Not yet, folks. Not yet.”
CR: “Ooh, that’s a softball. I’m going to take the walk. Up next is Pennsylvania.”
DT: “I don’t much care for pencils, in Vania or anywhere else. I don’t really like to read. Or write. Or words. Or letters. Words are stupid, folks, very, very stupid, but I still know the best ones. Oh, do I ever.”
CR: “Yeah, okay, Donny boy.”
DT: “That’s oh Donny boy. Big difference. Big difference, Craig.”
CR: “Oh Donny boy. Better?”
DT: “So much.”
CR: “Great. So, Rhode Island.”
DT: “How can a road be a island? That is one bigly small island. What do they call it? Island Road? Sounds pretty silly if you ask me, and I know you did.”
CR: “I actually didn’t.”
DT: “Yeah, you did.”
CR: “Whatever. South Carolina.”
DT: “My Siri, who’s actually my son, Eric, just told me South Carolina is actually north of North Carolina. Is this true? Of course it’s true. It’s Eric. He’s such a stable genius. I’m so proud.”
CR: “As you should be. South Dakota.”
DT: “I just Goo-Gooed this and the Goo-Goo says the capital city is Pierre? What kind of a pussy-ass name is that? They should succeed from the union, like right away!”
CR: “You know, my middle name is Pierre.”
DT: “It is?”
CR: “No. Moving on… Tennessee.”
DT: “I don’t see many tens anymore. Heidi Klum? No longer a ten. All of my current and former wives? Ex-tens. Really, when you think about it, the only real ten is me. I’m president 45 after all, so I’m like ten times two, which is like a lot of tens - probably like five of them.”
CR: “You may want to recheck your math.”
DT: “I’ll give you something to recheck.”
CR: “No thank you. Up next is Texas.”
DT: “Walker: Texas Ranger was the best show in the history of television. Chuck Norris should have won every Grammy for that show. It’s truly a crime he didn’t. Treason that he didn’t.”
CR: “I don’t think that word means what you think it means.”
DT: “I invented the word. On Twitter. Like yesterday.”
CR: “I’m trying to bite my tongue here. Can we finish, please? We’re almost done.”
DT: “Yeah, yeah, yeah.”
CR: “Thank you. So what do you think about Utah?”
DT: “This is what I used to say after performing a magic trick. Only amateurs say tah-dah. Pros like me say Utah!”
CR: “I guess there’s only one pro then. How about Vermont?”
DT: “I don’t go where vermins go. I just charge people money to sleep with them for a few nights.”
CR: “Yikes… …and what about Virginia?”
DT: “I lost my Virginia when I was pretty young. I don’t get that one 40-year-old Virginia. How can that Virginia go 40 years without a vagina? Makes no sense.”
CR: “Washington.”
DT: “I never wash a ton. I pay someone else, usually a black person. Hey, did you know the first black president was named George Washington? That’s funny.”
CR: “Hilarious. West Virginia.”
DT: “Hey, I’ve already talked about those loser Virginia guys once already. Enough is enough!”
CR: “Wisconsin.”
DT: “That reminds me, you know who makes the best Wis(s) cheese? Wisconsin. Wisconsin makes the best Wis(s) cheese. I mean, you don’t even know if you don’t know.”
CR: “…and lastly, Wyoming.”
DT: “This state is God of the country. Seriously, it has all the answers. Why? Why not? Why ask why? Wyoming.”
CR: “Well, that’s it for the first and hopefully last airing of the show ‘What Do You Know About a State?’ Thank you to oh Donny boy for his time. I think we all learned something new about the sort-of-man today. Know how I know? As he said, Wyoming.”
That’s it for today’s episode. I’ll see you again next week. Until then, check me out on PodBean, Twitter, Amazon, and Blogpsot. This has been I Feel Snitty with Craig Rozniecki. Take care.
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