There's a reason why root canals are more popular than Congress right now, as Congress' approval rating stands at approximately 15%. At least with a root canal, something is taking place which needs to be done. That's more than can be said about Congress, which is doing next to nothing and doesn't seem to be at all phased by it. This is especially the case with the Republican-dominated House of Representatives. While the Senate has been fairly worthless, it has at least given the illusion that it can pass a bill worthy of being passed, whereas the Republican House appears itself to be hallucinating with the rare bills it passes, while sporadically suffering flashbacks to when its members were involved in a Jim Jones-like cult. Even though Democrats control the Senate and the President of the United States is currently a representative of that party, the Republican House has attempted to repeal Obamacare 40 times, which has cost taxpayers around $50 million. At this current time, the bill has no chance of being passed by the Senate or signed by President Obama, yet this doesn't seem to phase GOP House members any. It's times like these when I think it should be made mandatory for Congress (the House of Representatives in particular) to get wasted on alcohol prior to and while discussing bills and voting. While some physical fights may ensue, there would be a greater chance of compromise between the two parties, and C-SPAN would finally see some decent ratings. I imagine such a debate amongst House members would go something like this...
House Speaker John Boehner: "Okay, everybody - see those glasses in front of you? Those are shots of absinthe. On the count of three, I want you all to lift up those glasses and down them like you did while in college. Are you all ready? This goes to having a good, healthy debate today. 1...2...3... Cheers!"
::everyone does their shot::
Boehner: "Okay, now you may all be seated. I've placed a bottle of Whiskey and a six-pack of beer by all of you. I don't want any of that going to waste now. Alright, today we're going to talk about... One moment, while I pour myself some Whiskey and grab a beer. Give me a moment. I suggest you all do the same." ::pours himself some Whiskey and opens a can of beer:: "Alright, now we can begin. Today, we're going to talk about a bill on legalizing marijuana for recreational use. Alright, we'll start over here with Paul Ryan." ::chugs the Whiskey:: "Okay, you may go ahead, Mr. Ryan. I better get myself seated here."
Ryan: "Thank you, speaker. Whoa, I'm getting kind of wobbly over here. I don't normally drink, That one shot of absinthe is doing the trick. Do I have to stand to speak, Mr. Speaker?"
Boehner: "No, zhu don't have ta sthand. Sh*t down, if you must."
Ryan: "Thank you. Alright, well, as you all know, I do not believe in marijuana under any condition - whether it be for medicinal or recreational purposes. I..."
Nancy Pelosi: "But, you're drunk right now, Ryan! What's the difference between that and being high on a little ganja?"
Ryan: "Because, Nancy, marijuana is illegal and alcohol is not."
Pelosi: "Abthinthe was illegal before long ago!"
Ryan: "But now it is legal."
Pelosi: "So then why not make pot legal?"
Ryan: "Because it is a gateway drug."
Pelosi: "That's hogwash and you know it, Trebek!"
Ryan: "What?"
Pelosi: "You heard me! Gateway drug? What the f**k do you think cigarettes and alcohol are? Do you think the first thing everyone tries is smoking pot and then they say, 'Oooh...now I'm going to snort some white powder?' Huh? I didn't think so! Why not ban cigarettes and alcohol? That's what most everyone tries first anyway."
Ryan: "Please, Nancy, show some respect. Cigarettes and alcohol may be what most people try first, but they're both legal and pot is not. Pot is a gateway drug."
Pelosi: "So why not make pot legal? God!"
Boehner: "Okay, let's let thumone else thpeak. Yes, you over there, who I see two of right now..."
Eric Cantor: "I agreed with Paul Ryan up until about a minute ago. I just finished off that six-pack and am feeling pretty good if I do say so myself. So, I say, let's make pot legal!"
Ryan: "But you're a Republican..."
Cantor: "So what? Live a little, you pansy!"
Ryan: "I beg your pardon?"
Cantor: "You heard me, dipstick! I saw those pictures of you being a wannabe P20Xer or whatever the hell that's called, with your hat on backwards, looking like a guy going back to college and joining a frat when he's 40 years old!"
Ryan: "Do you wanna go?"
Cantor: "I've wanted to go ever since I saw that douchey picture! Let's do this!"
::Ryan and Cantor swing at one another, miss, and fall flat on their backsides::
Boehner: "What the hell happened?"
John Dingell: "I think two members of your party might be on steroids."
Boehner: "Well, are they okay?"
Dingell: "They'll be alright before too long here. Just let them sleep for a few minutes and they should be back in time for the vote."
Boehner: "Okay, whoth next?"
Mark Sanford: "I'll go next, speaker. I think my position is right between Mr. Ryan and Cantor, for I believe marijuana should be legal medicinally, but not for recreation."
Pelosi: "But you, you... You take this one, Debbie. I'm done..." ::passes out::
Debbie Wasserman-Schultz: "Mr. Sanford, what position do you hold again? Is this a position you experienced with your wife, your mistress, or some other lady?"
Sanford: "Was that really called for, Debbie?"
Wasserman-Schultz: ::does a shot of whiskey:: "F**kin' A right, it was! Do you really think you have the moral authority to say pot can't be used recreationally when you've plugged who knows how many women's holes with that funny looking thing you've got?"
Sanford: "Funny looking thing? How would you know that?"
Wasserman-Schultz: "Oh, come on, Mark - they're all the same."
Sanford: "I don't believe that they are."
Wasserman-Schultz: "Oh, really? Are you doing guys now too?"
Sanford: "I've had about enough of this! Mr. Speaker?"
Boehner: "What? Oh, okay, so, let's have a vote. Eh, are the two steroids guys up yet?"
Dingell: ::taps Ryan and Cantor on the shoulder and wakes them up:: "Come on, guys - it's time to vote." ::taps Pelosi on the shoulder:: "Nancy, come on - it's time to vote." ::then nods at Boehner::
Boehner: "I'm not sure what you did there, but okay. Let's all vote. Before we do so, I just want to say something - I love all of you guys so very much. You're all like brothers and sisters to me, and even though I can't see all of you, well, any of you very well right now, just know I love you. Okay, let's all do a shot of Whiskey and then take the vote." ::raises glass and does the shot, as does everyone else:: "Okay, let's sthart with me. I vote aye, because aye love you guys and have a feeling weed will only help me loving you guys!"
Cantor: "You know I vote aye too, unlike this putz over here!" ::points at Ryan::
Ryan: "Actually, I had a dream about it while I was passed out. I was smoking pot at some concert - the New Kids On the Block, I think - my favorite group - and I had so much fun. I'm going to vote aye too!" ::attempts to give Cantor a high-five and misses::
Pelosi: "I vote aye thoo..." ::passes out again::
Dingell: "I vote aye. I'm 87 years old. I'm high right now. It's for medicinal reasons of course."
Boehner: "Enough of this! Let me ask everyone, do you support this bill? Aye or nay?"
Everyone in the House: "Aye!"
Boehner: "I think that settles it! Let's make this sh*t legal! Now, let's see if we can finish off the rest of this booze!"
House Speaker John Boehner: "Okay, everybody - see those glasses in front of you? Those are shots of absinthe. On the count of three, I want you all to lift up those glasses and down them like you did while in college. Are you all ready? This goes to having a good, healthy debate today. 1...2...3... Cheers!"
::everyone does their shot::
Boehner: "Okay, now you may all be seated. I've placed a bottle of Whiskey and a six-pack of beer by all of you. I don't want any of that going to waste now. Alright, today we're going to talk about... One moment, while I pour myself some Whiskey and grab a beer. Give me a moment. I suggest you all do the same." ::pours himself some Whiskey and opens a can of beer:: "Alright, now we can begin. Today, we're going to talk about a bill on legalizing marijuana for recreational use. Alright, we'll start over here with Paul Ryan." ::chugs the Whiskey:: "Okay, you may go ahead, Mr. Ryan. I better get myself seated here."
Ryan: "Thank you, speaker. Whoa, I'm getting kind of wobbly over here. I don't normally drink, That one shot of absinthe is doing the trick. Do I have to stand to speak, Mr. Speaker?"
Boehner: "No, zhu don't have ta sthand. Sh*t down, if you must."
Ryan: "Thank you. Alright, well, as you all know, I do not believe in marijuana under any condition - whether it be for medicinal or recreational purposes. I..."
Nancy Pelosi: "But, you're drunk right now, Ryan! What's the difference between that and being high on a little ganja?"
Ryan: "Because, Nancy, marijuana is illegal and alcohol is not."
Pelosi: "Abthinthe was illegal before long ago!"
Ryan: "But now it is legal."
Pelosi: "So then why not make pot legal?"
Ryan: "Because it is a gateway drug."
Pelosi: "That's hogwash and you know it, Trebek!"
Ryan: "What?"
Pelosi: "You heard me! Gateway drug? What the f**k do you think cigarettes and alcohol are? Do you think the first thing everyone tries is smoking pot and then they say, 'Oooh...now I'm going to snort some white powder?' Huh? I didn't think so! Why not ban cigarettes and alcohol? That's what most everyone tries first anyway."
Ryan: "Please, Nancy, show some respect. Cigarettes and alcohol may be what most people try first, but they're both legal and pot is not. Pot is a gateway drug."
Pelosi: "So why not make pot legal? God!"
Boehner: "Okay, let's let thumone else thpeak. Yes, you over there, who I see two of right now..."
Eric Cantor: "I agreed with Paul Ryan up until about a minute ago. I just finished off that six-pack and am feeling pretty good if I do say so myself. So, I say, let's make pot legal!"
Ryan: "But you're a Republican..."
Cantor: "So what? Live a little, you pansy!"
Ryan: "I beg your pardon?"
Cantor: "You heard me, dipstick! I saw those pictures of you being a wannabe P20Xer or whatever the hell that's called, with your hat on backwards, looking like a guy going back to college and joining a frat when he's 40 years old!"
Ryan: "Do you wanna go?"
Cantor: "I've wanted to go ever since I saw that douchey picture! Let's do this!"
::Ryan and Cantor swing at one another, miss, and fall flat on their backsides::
Boehner: "What the hell happened?"
John Dingell: "I think two members of your party might be on steroids."
Boehner: "Well, are they okay?"
Dingell: "They'll be alright before too long here. Just let them sleep for a few minutes and they should be back in time for the vote."
Boehner: "Okay, whoth next?"
Mark Sanford: "I'll go next, speaker. I think my position is right between Mr. Ryan and Cantor, for I believe marijuana should be legal medicinally, but not for recreation."
Pelosi: "But you, you... You take this one, Debbie. I'm done..." ::passes out::
Debbie Wasserman-Schultz: "Mr. Sanford, what position do you hold again? Is this a position you experienced with your wife, your mistress, or some other lady?"
Sanford: "Was that really called for, Debbie?"
Wasserman-Schultz: ::does a shot of whiskey:: "F**kin' A right, it was! Do you really think you have the moral authority to say pot can't be used recreationally when you've plugged who knows how many women's holes with that funny looking thing you've got?"
Sanford: "Funny looking thing? How would you know that?"
Wasserman-Schultz: "Oh, come on, Mark - they're all the same."
Sanford: "I don't believe that they are."
Wasserman-Schultz: "Oh, really? Are you doing guys now too?"
Sanford: "I've had about enough of this! Mr. Speaker?"
Boehner: "What? Oh, okay, so, let's have a vote. Eh, are the two steroids guys up yet?"
Dingell: ::taps Ryan and Cantor on the shoulder and wakes them up:: "Come on, guys - it's time to vote." ::taps Pelosi on the shoulder:: "Nancy, come on - it's time to vote." ::then nods at Boehner::
Boehner: "I'm not sure what you did there, but okay. Let's all vote. Before we do so, I just want to say something - I love all of you guys so very much. You're all like brothers and sisters to me, and even though I can't see all of you, well, any of you very well right now, just know I love you. Okay, let's all do a shot of Whiskey and then take the vote." ::raises glass and does the shot, as does everyone else:: "Okay, let's sthart with me. I vote aye, because aye love you guys and have a feeling weed will only help me loving you guys!"
Cantor: "You know I vote aye too, unlike this putz over here!" ::points at Ryan::
Ryan: "Actually, I had a dream about it while I was passed out. I was smoking pot at some concert - the New Kids On the Block, I think - my favorite group - and I had so much fun. I'm going to vote aye too!" ::attempts to give Cantor a high-five and misses::
Pelosi: "I vote aye thoo..." ::passes out again::
Dingell: "I vote aye. I'm 87 years old. I'm high right now. It's for medicinal reasons of course."
Boehner: "Enough of this! Let me ask everyone, do you support this bill? Aye or nay?"
Everyone in the House: "Aye!"
Boehner: "I think that settles it! Let's make this sh*t legal! Now, let's see if we can finish off the rest of this booze!"
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