Since Donald Trump has gone back on his previous offer to debate Bernie Sanders for charity and has disappointed millions in the process, I thought I'd provide a short glimpse of what we would likely see if the event were to take place.
Moderator Jon Stewart: "Welcome to the first and last ever debate between presumptive Republican nominee Donald Trump and likely Democratic runner-up Bernie Sanders."
Bernie Sanders: "Thank you very much, Jon."
Donald Trump: "Unbelievable"
Stewart: "What's unbelievable?"
Trump: "You know, this, things, stuff"
Stewart: "Yeah, sure. Anyway, The Donald, since you will be in the upcoming general election, I'll start with you. You've said time and time again you're going to build a wall along our Mexican border and make Mexico pay for it. Mexico's said they're not going to do that. So just how do you plan on doing that?"
Trump: "We're gonna build a wall and make Mexico pay for it."
Stewart: "Right, but how?"
Trump: "We're just gonna do it."
Stewart: "How are you going to do it?'
Trump: "We just are."
Stewart: "Are you intentionally trying to shorten your answer to each question I have on this subject?"
Trump: "We"
Stewart: "Oh, forget it..."
Sanders: "Can I butt in here for a moment, Jon?"
Stewart: "Sure, whatever"
Sanders: "I think what Donald just said shows the stark contrast between us. The man wants to waste our money by building a wall which won't do us any good, and I want to spend our money on improving our healthcare and education systems. I..."
Trump: "There goes crazy Bernie again. Look, I said Mexico was going to pay for it, didn't I?"
Sanders: "Yeah, but how?"
Trump: "I just will"
Sanders: "You've said that, but how will you do it?"
Trump: "I guarantee it."
Stewart: "Okay, enough of this. Let's move on to the next question. Senator Sanders, you've proposed that we provide free college tuition and universal healthcare. How are we going to pay for that?"
Sanders: "With money"
Stewart: "Okay, specifically, how are we going to pay for that?"
Sanders: "With a lot of money"
Stewart: "No, I mean..."
Sanders: "I'm just joking with you Jon. Ha ha ha. Get it? Look, if we close the tax loopholes for the top 2%, increase their taxes to rates not seen since the Reagan years, and make minor cuts in our overwhelming defense spending, we can do it. We spend more on defense than the next seven countries combined, Jon. That'd be like me neglecting my kids' health and education by adding unnecessary shields, walls, and force fields around our house."
Stewart: "Sir Trumpty Dumpty, would you care to respond?"
Trump: "Yeah, what he said, it was stupid."
Sanders: "How, how was it stupid?"
Trump: "Because it could never work. Banning Muslims, that could work. Building a wall along Mexico and making them pay for it, that could work. Banging Ivanka if she wasn't my daughter, that could definitely work. But the stuff you're talking about? Not gonna happen."
Sanders: "Ivanka?"
Trump: "Yeah, have you seen her? Totally hot, right? Do you have any hot daughters, Bernie?"
Stewart: "This is starting to get very awkward and uncomfortable. Seguing from that, Donald, your polling numbers are horrible among women. Why do you suppose that is and what can you do to improve those numbers?"
Trump: "Women love me, they like really really love me."
Stewart: "That's not what polls suggest, though..."
Trump: "Those are just numbers. I'm talkin' 'bout actual people. I've been married three times, Jon, not once, not twice, but three times, so right there, three real women loved me at one time or another."
Stewart: "Okay, that's three women. There are approximately 157 million women in this country, so I'm sorry to say, but 3 out of 157 million isn't very good."
Trump: "Women love me, Jon, they really do. One broad came up to me at a rally just yesterday and said she loved me. Those were exact words, 'I love you, orange man.'"
Stewart: "Again, that's 1 out of 157 million, Donald..."
Trump: "No, 4"
Stewart: "Congratulations. So how will you improve your numbers with women?"
Trump: "Women are people, not numbers, Jon. You should treat and respect them for the b*tches they are, not as numbers."
Stewart: "Jesus..."
Sanders: "Can I say something, Jon?"
Stewart: "Go for it..."
Sanders: "Trump over here has been married three times, been unfaithful to at least two of his wives, has basically said he wants to fornicate with his own daughter, has been with more women than Rick Perry can count on an exceptional day, and regularly treats women like trophies with IQs lower than 65 or whatever."
Trump: "At least I can get young, fine, beautiful pieces of ass, Bernie!"
Sanders: "I rest my case, Jon."
Stewart: "Why'd I agree to this again? Okay, Bernie, this next question is for you. You've had some heated words for Secretary of State Clinton during the Democratic Primary. Are your differences with her so drastic you feel your supporters should stay at home on election day, or even vote for Trump?"
Sanders: "Secretary Clinton and I may disagree on a lot of things, from healthcare reform to free college education to how we do our hair in the morning, but the one thing all my supporters and I should like about her - her name doesn't rhyme with 'Ronald Dump'!"
Trump: "Hey, at least my name doesn't rhyme with 'Testicle Face'."
Sanders: "Mine doesn't either"
Trump: "Yeah, sure it doesn't, testicle face!"
Sanders: "Bernie Sanders does not rhyme with testicle face."
Trump: "Yeah, it does."
Sanders: "No, it doesn't."
Trump: "Yeah, it does."
Stewart: "Knock it off! The both of you! Mr. Trump, is there anything you'd like to say in response to what Senator Sanders said about Secretary of State Clinton?"
Trump: "Yeah, sure. I don't want to sound sexist, because I'm not, but crooked Hillary is like most women - annoying and stupid. Who can stand that stupid face and those words that come out of that stupid face? I'm getting a headache just thinking about it..."
Stewart: "...and you still have trouble believing you're polling poorly with women?"
Trump: "Women love me. Every woman loves me."
Stewart: "For my final question, I'm going to ask the both of you, what change do you most want to see made in the coming four years? We'll start with Senator Sanders..."
Sanders: "Universal healthcare, free college education, less war, better roads and bridges..."
Stewart: "I said one thing..."
Sanders: "Okay, so the first one I said."
Stewart: "...and how about you, Donald?"
Trump: "A little bit of this, a little bit of that, and some of the other"
Stewart: "What?"
Sanders: "What?"
Stewart: "What?"
Trump: "What do you mean, what?"
Stewart: "Specifically, what change do you most want to see made in the coming four years?"
Trump: "I already told you, a little bit of this, a little bit of that, and some of the other."
Stewart: "Alright, sure, let's end with that. Thank you to both Mr. Trump and Senator Sanders for this debate. I, for one, sincerely hope this was the first and last such debate. As a matter of fact, Donald, the change I most want to see in the coming four years is you not debating. Take care and best of luck to the both of you."
Sanders: "Thank you, Jon, and the same to you."
Trump: "Go f**k yourself, Stewart."
Moderator Jon Stewart: "Welcome to the first and last ever debate between presumptive Republican nominee Donald Trump and likely Democratic runner-up Bernie Sanders."
Bernie Sanders: "Thank you very much, Jon."
Donald Trump: "Unbelievable"
Stewart: "What's unbelievable?"
Trump: "You know, this, things, stuff"
Stewart: "Yeah, sure. Anyway, The Donald, since you will be in the upcoming general election, I'll start with you. You've said time and time again you're going to build a wall along our Mexican border and make Mexico pay for it. Mexico's said they're not going to do that. So just how do you plan on doing that?"
Trump: "We're gonna build a wall and make Mexico pay for it."
Stewart: "Right, but how?"
Trump: "We're just gonna do it."
Stewart: "How are you going to do it?'
Trump: "We just are."
Stewart: "Are you intentionally trying to shorten your answer to each question I have on this subject?"
Trump: "We"
Stewart: "Oh, forget it..."
Sanders: "Can I butt in here for a moment, Jon?"
Stewart: "Sure, whatever"
Sanders: "I think what Donald just said shows the stark contrast between us. The man wants to waste our money by building a wall which won't do us any good, and I want to spend our money on improving our healthcare and education systems. I..."
Trump: "There goes crazy Bernie again. Look, I said Mexico was going to pay for it, didn't I?"
Sanders: "Yeah, but how?"
Trump: "I just will"
Sanders: "You've said that, but how will you do it?"
Trump: "I guarantee it."
Stewart: "Okay, enough of this. Let's move on to the next question. Senator Sanders, you've proposed that we provide free college tuition and universal healthcare. How are we going to pay for that?"
Sanders: "With money"
Stewart: "Okay, specifically, how are we going to pay for that?"
Sanders: "With a lot of money"
Stewart: "No, I mean..."
Sanders: "I'm just joking with you Jon. Ha ha ha. Get it? Look, if we close the tax loopholes for the top 2%, increase their taxes to rates not seen since the Reagan years, and make minor cuts in our overwhelming defense spending, we can do it. We spend more on defense than the next seven countries combined, Jon. That'd be like me neglecting my kids' health and education by adding unnecessary shields, walls, and force fields around our house."
Stewart: "Sir Trumpty Dumpty, would you care to respond?"
Trump: "Yeah, what he said, it was stupid."
Sanders: "How, how was it stupid?"
Trump: "Because it could never work. Banning Muslims, that could work. Building a wall along Mexico and making them pay for it, that could work. Banging Ivanka if she wasn't my daughter, that could definitely work. But the stuff you're talking about? Not gonna happen."
Sanders: "Ivanka?"
Trump: "Yeah, have you seen her? Totally hot, right? Do you have any hot daughters, Bernie?"
Stewart: "This is starting to get very awkward and uncomfortable. Seguing from that, Donald, your polling numbers are horrible among women. Why do you suppose that is and what can you do to improve those numbers?"
Trump: "Women love me, they like really really love me."
Stewart: "That's not what polls suggest, though..."
Trump: "Those are just numbers. I'm talkin' 'bout actual people. I've been married three times, Jon, not once, not twice, but three times, so right there, three real women loved me at one time or another."
Stewart: "Okay, that's three women. There are approximately 157 million women in this country, so I'm sorry to say, but 3 out of 157 million isn't very good."
Trump: "Women love me, Jon, they really do. One broad came up to me at a rally just yesterday and said she loved me. Those were exact words, 'I love you, orange man.'"
Stewart: "Again, that's 1 out of 157 million, Donald..."
Trump: "No, 4"
Stewart: "Congratulations. So how will you improve your numbers with women?"
Trump: "Women are people, not numbers, Jon. You should treat and respect them for the b*tches they are, not as numbers."
Stewart: "Jesus..."
Sanders: "Can I say something, Jon?"
Stewart: "Go for it..."
Sanders: "Trump over here has been married three times, been unfaithful to at least two of his wives, has basically said he wants to fornicate with his own daughter, has been with more women than Rick Perry can count on an exceptional day, and regularly treats women like trophies with IQs lower than 65 or whatever."
Trump: "At least I can get young, fine, beautiful pieces of ass, Bernie!"
Sanders: "I rest my case, Jon."
Stewart: "Why'd I agree to this again? Okay, Bernie, this next question is for you. You've had some heated words for Secretary of State Clinton during the Democratic Primary. Are your differences with her so drastic you feel your supporters should stay at home on election day, or even vote for Trump?"
Sanders: "Secretary Clinton and I may disagree on a lot of things, from healthcare reform to free college education to how we do our hair in the morning, but the one thing all my supporters and I should like about her - her name doesn't rhyme with 'Ronald Dump'!"
Trump: "Hey, at least my name doesn't rhyme with 'Testicle Face'."
Sanders: "Mine doesn't either"
Trump: "Yeah, sure it doesn't, testicle face!"
Sanders: "Bernie Sanders does not rhyme with testicle face."
Trump: "Yeah, it does."
Sanders: "No, it doesn't."
Trump: "Yeah, it does."
Stewart: "Knock it off! The both of you! Mr. Trump, is there anything you'd like to say in response to what Senator Sanders said about Secretary of State Clinton?"
Trump: "Yeah, sure. I don't want to sound sexist, because I'm not, but crooked Hillary is like most women - annoying and stupid. Who can stand that stupid face and those words that come out of that stupid face? I'm getting a headache just thinking about it..."
Stewart: "...and you still have trouble believing you're polling poorly with women?"
Trump: "Women love me. Every woman loves me."
Stewart: "For my final question, I'm going to ask the both of you, what change do you most want to see made in the coming four years? We'll start with Senator Sanders..."
Sanders: "Universal healthcare, free college education, less war, better roads and bridges..."
Stewart: "I said one thing..."
Sanders: "Okay, so the first one I said."
Stewart: "...and how about you, Donald?"
Trump: "A little bit of this, a little bit of that, and some of the other"
Stewart: "What?"
Sanders: "What?"
Stewart: "What?"
Trump: "What do you mean, what?"
Stewart: "Specifically, what change do you most want to see made in the coming four years?"
Trump: "I already told you, a little bit of this, a little bit of that, and some of the other."
Stewart: "Alright, sure, let's end with that. Thank you to both Mr. Trump and Senator Sanders for this debate. I, for one, sincerely hope this was the first and last such debate. As a matter of fact, Donald, the change I most want to see in the coming four years is you not debating. Take care and best of luck to the both of you."
Sanders: "Thank you, Jon, and the same to you."
Trump: "Go f**k yourself, Stewart."
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