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...and then far-right conservatives reacted to the DOMA decision

Whenever a pro-gay rights decision is made, I love to hear the far-right's reactions. They're typically crazier than Looney Tunes characters eating Cocoa Puffs while tripping acid. That very trend continued today in light of the Supreme Court's decision to strike down DOMA. Here are some of my favorite such reactions, and my smart aleck commentary to each:

Michigan Representative Tim Walberg: "For the best interest of society itself ... we have defined a marriage between a man and woman in the interest of those children... Society itself is at risk."

Yes, because in light of this ruling, every state in the country is going to legalize same-sex marriage tomorrow - even Alabama, Oklahoma, Wyoming, and Utah - and every person in this county, whether straight, gay, or bi, will marry someone of the same sex in the next 48 hours. Every person in every couple will remain 100% faithful to the other and there will not any kind of reproduction for the remainder of America's rather short-lived future. Even Channing Tatum and Ryan Gosling are going to wed one another and do the nasty.


Pat Robertson: "They say it's homophobia to believe that a marriage between a man and a woman is sanctioned by God. God is not a homophobe, God is almighty. He's in charge of the world and this is the way he made it. Why? Because there isn't any other way to have children. Two men do not have children, two women do not have children. That is the way God made it."

Robertson should add on to this and say, "Some men and women can't have children, because the couple is infertile. God doesn't hate these straight couples; he is almighty. This is just the way he made it." Try another line of argument there, Pat...


Glenn Beck: "Who are you to say that, if I'm a devout Muslim, I come over here and I have three wives, who are you to say if I'm an American citizen that I can't have multiple wives."

Rand Paul: "People take it to one extension further - does it have to be humans? I'm kinda with you - we should not just say, 'Oh, we're punting on it - marriage can be anything.'"

Ah, how I love the slippery slope. Yes, like in other countries that have legalized same-sex marriage, after the DOMA ruling, the United States will soon legalize marriages to dogs, rocks, guns, buildings, and Chia Pets. Actually, after thinking about it, some of these same far-right conservatives may actually support marriages to guns and corporations. They've already gotten many years of foreplay out of the way with them and seem very committed. Now all they have to do is propose...


Fox News contributor Erick Erickson: "You're not really loving your neighbor when you're cool with him staying on the road to hell. I don't believe anyone who supports gay marriage and says polygamy is a bridge too far. It has far greater historic foundations... So when the left begins advocating polygamy, will they use the infinity sign instead of the equal sign?"

No, we'll use the cross sign, since polygamy was seen as a legitimate type of marriage in the Bible. Anyway, you were saying, Mr. Erickson...


Mike Huckabee: "Jesus wept." and "The Supreme Court declared itself bigger than God."

Yes, Jesus may very well have wept, when seeing Mr. Huckabee claim to speak for God. When it comes to the DOMA ruling, though, I'd love for Mr. Huckabee to point out where exactly in the Bible Jesus decries gay marriage. Oh, nevermind - I just found it. It's in the book of Bullsh*t, chapter 6, versus 9-11, when Jesus said: "I love all the little children of the world. Red and yellow, black and white - they are precious in my sight. I love all the children of the world - except for gays."

http://www.salon.com/2013/03/27/conservatives_react_to_doma_and_prop_8_the_best_of_the_worst/

http://thinkprogress.org/lgbt/2013/06/26/2219561/the-five-craziest-conservative-reactions-to-the-doma-and-prop-8-rulings/

http://www.theatlantic.com/politics/archive/2013/06/conservative-house-republicans-are-furious-about-the-doma-ruling/277252/

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