Given Donald Trump's tendency to turn his back on specifics in favor of the vague route, I have to imagine, if this whole presidency thing doesn't work out, he may opt to start writing horoscopes. Here's how I envision him writing them:
Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19): "You need to get serious about your future - like seriously serious. Stand in front of a mirror today and say, 'Time to get serious.' If the mirror doesn't talk back, you get three wishes or something. If it does talk back, you may need to see a doctor like I did."
Aquarius (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18): "You could go this way or the other way. If you go this way, be smart about it. If you go the other way, be even more smarter. I remember when I went both ways. It was just a college phase, but anyway..."
Pisces (Feb. 19 - Mar. 20): "Like that Costner dude said one time, 'If you give it, he will come.' In other words, if you give it, he will come, you know? Yeah..."
Aries (Mar. 21 - Apr. 19): "'Winning isn't everything; it's the only thing.' That's one of my wife Melania's greatest quotes. No matter what you do, 'Just win, baby!' That's another one of her better lines. Oh, and 'Losing is for pussies.' That one's mine."
Taurus (Apr. 20 - May 20): "Beauty is in the eyes of the beholder and the beholder is you. Use this special power to look at beauty, see beauty, and look at beauty some more. Oh, and be sure to use your eyes when looking at this beauty. If you don't, you won't really be looking, believe me."
Gemini (May 21 - Jun. 20): "I don't know what to tell you. I mean, you could go with this, that, or the other, but no matter which you choose, there will be certainty and doubt, so leave behind this certainty and doubt when it comes to your decision. This may lead you to three marriages like me, but whatever."
Cancer (Jun. 21 - Jul. 22): "Don't be so worried about others outside of yourself. Just worry about others inside of yourself. If you worry about others outside you, there will be little time for others to be inside you. Capiché? I mean, Capote?"
Leo (Jul. 23 - Aug. 22): "Get up off your ass and just do it! Do it! Do! It! Do it! Got it?!? Yeah, I know you got it. Consider it gotten and done!"
Virgo (Aug. 23 - Sep. 22): "Remember that thing you were doing the other day? You forgot one tiny detail. No, not a $1 million loan. This thing was even tinier, like tiny tiny, or tiny cubed. If you remember this detail, you won't have forgotten this detail, which will help you remember to not forget it in the future, so that's something, which is nice."
Libra (Sept. 23 - Oct. 22): "You can't spell 'I' without 'team,' so get out and go some place and talk to someone about something. If you do this, it could mean yuge, I mean bigly yuge things for you!"
Scorpio (Oct. 23 - Nov. 21): "Don't think; just do! Be you, love you, do you! If your name by any chance rhymes with Madamir Tootin', do me too!"
Sagittarius (Nov. 22 - Dec. 21): "If you fly to a place on the map on a day that ends in 'y,' you'll be rewarded with tens, hundreds, thousands, millions of travel miles. If you don't, you won't. It's as simple as that, losers."
Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19): "You need to get serious about your future - like seriously serious. Stand in front of a mirror today and say, 'Time to get serious.' If the mirror doesn't talk back, you get three wishes or something. If it does talk back, you may need to see a doctor like I did."
Aquarius (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18): "You could go this way or the other way. If you go this way, be smart about it. If you go the other way, be even more smarter. I remember when I went both ways. It was just a college phase, but anyway..."
Pisces (Feb. 19 - Mar. 20): "Like that Costner dude said one time, 'If you give it, he will come.' In other words, if you give it, he will come, you know? Yeah..."
Aries (Mar. 21 - Apr. 19): "'Winning isn't everything; it's the only thing.' That's one of my wife Melania's greatest quotes. No matter what you do, 'Just win, baby!' That's another one of her better lines. Oh, and 'Losing is for pussies.' That one's mine."
Taurus (Apr. 20 - May 20): "Beauty is in the eyes of the beholder and the beholder is you. Use this special power to look at beauty, see beauty, and look at beauty some more. Oh, and be sure to use your eyes when looking at this beauty. If you don't, you won't really be looking, believe me."
Gemini (May 21 - Jun. 20): "I don't know what to tell you. I mean, you could go with this, that, or the other, but no matter which you choose, there will be certainty and doubt, so leave behind this certainty and doubt when it comes to your decision. This may lead you to three marriages like me, but whatever."
Cancer (Jun. 21 - Jul. 22): "Don't be so worried about others outside of yourself. Just worry about others inside of yourself. If you worry about others outside you, there will be little time for others to be inside you. Capiché? I mean, Capote?"
Leo (Jul. 23 - Aug. 22): "Get up off your ass and just do it! Do it! Do! It! Do it! Got it?!? Yeah, I know you got it. Consider it gotten and done!"
Virgo (Aug. 23 - Sep. 22): "Remember that thing you were doing the other day? You forgot one tiny detail. No, not a $1 million loan. This thing was even tinier, like tiny tiny, or tiny cubed. If you remember this detail, you won't have forgotten this detail, which will help you remember to not forget it in the future, so that's something, which is nice."
Libra (Sept. 23 - Oct. 22): "You can't spell 'I' without 'team,' so get out and go some place and talk to someone about something. If you do this, it could mean yuge, I mean bigly yuge things for you!"
Scorpio (Oct. 23 - Nov. 21): "Don't think; just do! Be you, love you, do you! If your name by any chance rhymes with Madamir Tootin', do me too!"
Sagittarius (Nov. 22 - Dec. 21): "If you fly to a place on the map on a day that ends in 'y,' you'll be rewarded with tens, hundreds, thousands, millions of travel miles. If you don't, you won't. It's as simple as that, losers."
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