What's going on with The Onion?

It seems the satirical site The Onion is facing a slow-down in readership, has blamed Facebook for it, and is responding by going social. At least, that's what the site says it's doing, over and over and over again.

The Onion isn't going social. It's just pretending to do so to continue poking fun at Facebook. There's even a make-believe form you can fill out to create an account. It, of course, gets rejected.

The following articles regarding the non-existent social site have been posted at The Onion in the past few days:

- "Onion Employees Return To Mundane Lives Of Writing Game-Changing News Coverage Read By Billions Across Globe"

- "25 Million Onion Social Users Run Into Glorious Flames Of Headquarters In Hopes Of Using Website One Last Time"

- "Onion Social CEO Vaporized By Wall Of Light While Trying To Stop Algorithm From Self-Destructing"

- "'Humanity Deserves To Live In Darkness,' Onion Social Algorithm Cries Out Before Bursting Into Bright Light, Disappearing From Earthly Realm"

- "Congratulations, You Can Now Launder Money On Clickhole.com!"

- "Self-Destructing Onion Social Algorithm Delivers Stirring Monologue About Folly Of Mankind's Hubris"

- "Most Americans Side With Onion Social Over Own Family, Friends"

- "France, India, Brazil Among Dozens Of Governments To Fall As Riots In Support Of Onion Social Increase Globally"

- "Thousands Of Onion Social Users Burn Effigies Of CEO In Mass Show Of Support For Company"

- "Onion Social Rebukes 480,000 Crimes At International Criminal Tribunal Including Illegal Surveillance, Insider Trading, Mass Murder, Indecent Exposure"

- "Onion Social Users Applaud Bravery Of CEO Persevering Against Falsehood, Libel"

- "Onion Social CEO Appears Before Hague Tribunal To Be Tried For Crimes Against Humanity, Promote New Website Features"

- "Stock Market Plunges Ahead Of Onion Social Hague Trial"

- "Onion Social CEO Caught By Law Enforcement At Miami Airport With $800,000 In Cash"

- "Onion Social CEO Announces Changes To Site's Privacy Policy"

- "Onion Social Staff Physician Concludes Website Not To Blame For Mass User Illness"

- "Onion Social Study Finds No Clear Link Between Onion Social Use, Uncontrollable Vomiting Of Black Bile"

- "Onion Social CEO Responds To Company Chaos By Donating $50 To Haiti"

- "Onion Social CEO Embarks On Tour Of Several Coffee Shops Near Where He Lives To Learn More About Everyday Americans"

- "Onion Social Embraces Diversity By Adding Prophet Mohammed Emoji"

- "Onion Social Announces Hiring Of James Damore As Chief Technology Officer"

- "Onion Social CEO Answers Your Questions On Privacy And User Data"

- "Onion Social Defends Decision To Remove 'You Will Live' Promise From Mission Statement"

- "Onion Social Cracks Down On Sexual Harassment By Banning All Women From Platform"

So 24 of their past 40 articles have pertained to the make-believe Onion Social. I love The Onion. I consistently get told I should work there. Isn't this going a bit overboard, though? If the writers at The Onion want to increase readership, how does it help to narrow their audience by focusing on Facebook and Facebook alone? This kind of comes across like a whiners campaign, which will likely accomplish little, and may even decrease readership further. Instead of scapegoating Facebook, The Onion should look ahead, improve marketing, expand their subjects and with that their audience, and I hate to say it, but make their site great again.

Boycotting jukeboxes because of TouchTunes

I love music and enjoy hitting the bar(s) over the weekend, so naturally, when the mood strikes me, I've never been coy about playing some songs on the jukebox. This past Thursday, a friend of mine turned 50, so several friends of her's, including myself, all met up to celebrate the occasion. At around 9:30, a friend of mine and I both chipped in $5 to play some songs on the jukebox. Four hours and 231 skips later, we gave up on hearing the songs we had selected, and went home knowing we had just wasted $5. This wasn't the first time such a thing had happened to me (and many others), and due to that, I'll be boycotting jukeboxes. Why? The scam known as TouchTunes. You see, here's how the plot typically breaks down. A person (or group of people) downloads the TouchTunes app on his/her phone, consumes one too many adult beverages, and due to this, has less care for spending extra money to hear the songs of their choosing right NOW. That's the thing with TouchTun

The difference between "looking" and "checking out"

I may be way off with these numbers, but it's my approximation that at least 75% of individuals whom are involved in a serious relationship feel it's perfectly acceptable to "check out" members of the opposite sex they're not involved with. Meanwhile, approximately 25% either don't feel this is acceptable or aren't sure about the matter. I hadn't thought about this matter for a while, but since I've been dating a woman for about 8 months, the topic has been pondered about some. When reading or hearing others discuss this very issue, I often times hear comments similar to the following: "It's human nature to look." "There's nothing wrong with checking others out. I'm sure he/she does it too!" "It's fine to do it. Just don't tell your boyfriend/girlfriend about it or do it in front of them!" "It's natural to find people attractive." When observing the array of comments, I i

The verdict is in. To no one's surprise, Jonathan Hoenig has been found guilty of being an idiot.

Just recently, when discussing the Michael Brown shooting and whether or not race had anything to do with it, Fox News contributor Jonathan Hoenig said, "You know who talks about race? Racists." One moment while I provide Mr. Hoenig with the well deserved slow-clap. :: slow-claps for two seconds :: So, that was quite the line by Mr. Hoenig, wasn't it? "You know who talks about race? Racists." Well, wasn't he just talking about race? So, by his own words, I guess that makes him a racist. Also, if he wants to be consistent, does this mean that people whom talk about gender are sexists and people whom talk about sexual orientation are homophobes? With that line of thinking, Hoenig would engage in the following back-and-forths: Hoenig: "So, who are you voting for?" A woman: "The Democratic candidate, because he's been adamant about his support for equal rights for women." Hoenig: "You sexist feminist nazi!"

The Kind-Hearted Smart Aleck

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