Fact vs. Fiction: Democrat vs. Republican

Setting: Sunday school (9th-12th grade) at the church of Holy Hell! Jesus Rocks!

Pastor Malarkey: "When this nation was down, Ronald Reagan flew up to the heavens, and spoke with Jesus. He tried convincing our lord and savior to grant him special powers. After the two talked things over for 79 minutes over some strawberry daiquiris and buffalo wings, Jesus granted the president those special powers. These special powers included being able to: Heal the sick, feed the hungry, talk very well, fly, and all sorts of other things. He was even given a magical wand, which could transform into a tank, cap gun or clown to destroy or frighten dragons, especially the ones in Florida. This helped him save this great country and in essence, the world. So you see kids, Ronald Reagan was a lot like Jesus. Please tell your parents to vote Republican next Tuesday. The end."

Jake: "Wow! That's amazing! That really happened?"

Malarkey: "I cross my heart."

George: "Are you sure? You said Ronald Reagan flew to the heavens and after talking with Jesus, was then able to fly. How could he have flown there in the first place if Jesus hadn't granted him that power yet?"

Jake: "Shut up, George! You don't know what you're talking about! Right, Mr. Malarkey?"

Malarkey: "George brings up a good point. He's wrong, but it was a good point."

Jake: "You see, George?"

George: "See what? Did either of you ever see Ronald Reagan fly or kill dragons?"

Jake: "Doesn't matter. Mr. Malarkey told us, so it has to be true!"

Malarkey: "Jake's right, George. You have to have a little bit of faith."

George: "Faith that a man could fly to heaven before having the ability to fly and then killing dragons with a magical wand?"

Malarkey: "Precisely."

George: "Well, I just googled 'Ronald Reagan dragons' and every site says it's not true. Even Factcheck.org says it's a bunch of...a bunch of..."

Malarkey: "A bunch of what, George?"

George: "Nevermind. In any case, every site says it's not true."

Malarkey: "Should that matter? Does God say it's not true?"

George: "I don't know."

Malarkey: "Exactly, but I do. I am a messenger of God, so whatever I tell you is what God would believe and want me to tell you."

George: "God told you that Ronald Reagan turned a magic wand into a tank and killed dragons?"

Malarkey: "Not exactly. God told me this story in a dream and said Ronald Reagan accidentally turned the magic wand into a clown at first, frightened himself, but was able to recover quickly enough to transform it into a tank to destroy the evil beasts in Florida."

George: "You got this from a dream? How can you say it came from God then?"

Malarkey: "I just know."

George: "What was your dream last night?"

Malarkey: "That I swam across the Atlantic Ocean during a hurricane and made it safely to land."

George: "So, that was a message from God too?"

Malarkey: "Of course."

George: "So, you actually swam across the ocean during a hurricane?"

Malarkey: "Um... Not yet, but I obviously will someday."

George: "So how do you know Ronald Reagan flew to heaven based on a dream? What if the dream was just telling you he was supposed to fly to heaven one day, but like you've yet to swim the Atlantic Ocean and probably never will, he never found it in him to fly to heaven?"

Malarkey: "George, I've had about enough of you!"

Jake: "George, just give it up already! You're not going to win! You're fighting with a voice of God. You either go with Mr. Malarkey or go to hell. It's your choice."

Malarkey: "Easy does it, Jake."

::George starts walking away::

Malarkey: "George, where are you going?"

George: "I'm going to go home and talk to myself for a while. That would be a lot less crazy than listening to you talk anymore."

Boycotting jukeboxes because of TouchTunes

I love music and enjoy hitting the bar(s) over the weekend, so naturally, when the mood strikes me, I've never been coy about playing some songs on the jukebox. This past Thursday, a friend of mine turned 50, so several friends of her's, including myself, all met up to celebrate the occasion. At around 9:30, a friend of mine and I both chipped in $5 to play some songs on the jukebox. Four hours and 231 skips later, we gave up on hearing the songs we had selected, and went home knowing we had just wasted $5. This wasn't the first time such a thing had happened to me (and many others), and due to that, I'll be boycotting jukeboxes. Why? The scam known as TouchTunes. You see, here's how the plot typically breaks down. A person (or group of people) downloads the TouchTunes app on his/her phone, consumes one too many adult beverages, and due to this, has less care for spending extra money to hear the songs of their choosing right NOW. That's the thing with TouchTun

The difference between "looking" and "checking out"

I may be way off with these numbers, but it's my approximation that at least 75% of individuals whom are involved in a serious relationship feel it's perfectly acceptable to "check out" members of the opposite sex they're not involved with. Meanwhile, approximately 25% either don't feel this is acceptable or aren't sure about the matter. I hadn't thought about this matter for a while, but since I've been dating a woman for about 8 months, the topic has been pondered about some. When reading or hearing others discuss this very issue, I often times hear comments similar to the following: "It's human nature to look." "There's nothing wrong with checking others out. I'm sure he/she does it too!" "It's fine to do it. Just don't tell your boyfriend/girlfriend about it or do it in front of them!" "It's natural to find people attractive." When observing the array of comments, I i

The verdict is in. To no one's surprise, Jonathan Hoenig has been found guilty of being an idiot.

Just recently, when discussing the Michael Brown shooting and whether or not race had anything to do with it, Fox News contributor Jonathan Hoenig said, "You know who talks about race? Racists." One moment while I provide Mr. Hoenig with the well deserved slow-clap. :: slow-claps for two seconds :: So, that was quite the line by Mr. Hoenig, wasn't it? "You know who talks about race? Racists." Well, wasn't he just talking about race? So, by his own words, I guess that makes him a racist. Also, if he wants to be consistent, does this mean that people whom talk about gender are sexists and people whom talk about sexual orientation are homophobes? With that line of thinking, Hoenig would engage in the following back-and-forths: Hoenig: "So, who are you voting for?" A woman: "The Democratic candidate, because he's been adamant about his support for equal rights for women." Hoenig: "You sexist feminist nazi!"

The Kind-Hearted Smart Aleck

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