The supposed party of responsibility is at it again - finding others to blame for their defeat in the election. Not only did they fall short in the presidential election, but lost seats in both chambers of Congress as well.
So, what are some of these reasons for defeat that the Republican Party has been citing in the days following the election? Let me list off a few:
1) The electoral college - When President Obama was announced as the winner of the 2012 presidential election, he had a smaller share of the overall popular vote than did Mitt Romney. This caused an uproar among many in conservative circles at first. What they failed to realize, however, is that there were millions of votes yet to be tallied and as of now, President Obama leads by approximately 3,000,000 votes nationally to go along with his 332 electoral votes. This theory lasted all but about 28 minutes. There are stoners' theories about being able to fly with their arms that have lasted longer than that.
2) Gary Johnson - The third-party libertarian candidate, Gary Johnson, was another that the Republican Party blamed for Mitt Romney's defeat. There can be no debating the fact that Johnson took some votes away from Romney. However, Johnson would had to have flipped multiple states in order for the theory to ring true. With President Obama winning the state of Florida and its 29 electoral votes, that places him at 332 - winning 25 states and Washington, D.C. Based on the end results, the only three states which Johnson could have potentially flipped were Virginia (Obama by around 3%), Ohio (Obama by about 2%) and Florida (Obama by slightly less than 1%). For as close as Florida was, it's the state Johnson could have flipped most easily in favor of President Obama. It's hypothetically possible he could have flipped Ohio to Obama as well, but he would had to have nabbed almost every single vote of the 2% of the electorate whom didn't vote for either Obama or Romney. That's not likely, since Johnson wasn't the only other candidate besides Romney and Obama on the ballot. It's nearly impossible Johnson could have flipped Virginia to Obama. For just the sake of argument, however - let's say that Johnson did flip all three of those tightly-contested states to the president. This would result in the president losing 60 electoral votes and winding up with 272 - still enough to win the election. This theory would be like if a baseball team I was on lost a game by the score of 8-2 and afterward, I said, "Well, if it wasn't for the grand slam you guys hit in the 4th inning, we would have won the game!" A grand slam results in four runs, so we still would have lost by the final score of 4-2. I'm starting to think math should be taught as a foreign language in school, since it's seemingly becoming foreign to so many, unfortunately.
3) Voter suppression - Republican leaders consistently tried suppressing voters, particularly ones with a skin tone that was darker than the orangish-tan that Speaker of the House - John Boehner - sports. This seems like a classic case of projection; that or the Democratic Party has secretly done the stupidest thing imaginable and attempted to strip away the voting rights of a demographic that makes up 70% of the U.S. population - whites. Yes, and next they will attempt to strip away the voting rights of the following groups: Men, the elderly, people who drive a car and people with jobs.
4) Chris Christie - Since Republican New Jersey Governor Chris Christie asked President Obama for help following the destruction Hurricane Sandy left in the Garden State and complimented the president on his post-Sandy relief efforts, some Republicans have pointed fingers at Christie following the election. What Christie should have done apparently was to have just sat in his home for over a week and not spoken to anyone until Mitt Romney won the election and then asked the president for aid.
At this time, Christie then would have announced the following message to the people he represents in the state of New Jersey: "Sorry folks. I had to do what I had to do, which was nothing. Please keep in mind that electing a Republican president is of far greater importance than making sure the people of this great state are safe and secure. God bless you all and please elect me for another term!"
5) Hurricane Sandy - Perhaps the favorite "why-we-lost" theory of the Republican Party is Hurricane Sandy. Apparently, Mitt Romney had all the momentum in the race prior to Sandy striking the Northeast. So if Sandy hadn't struck the nation, this momentum would have continued for the Republican nominee to the election and resulted in a victory for Romney. This isn't true, of course. While Romney enjoyed a good week or two of momentum following his first debate performance in Denver, things began to stabilize following the vice presidential and final two presidential debates. Since the majority of undecideds felt that the Democratic ticket won the final three debates, in conjunction with a good jobs report, the momentum had started to shift back over to the side of President Obama. This was all prior to Hurricane Sandy making her presence known in this country. Blaming Hurricane Sandy for the entire momentum shift which was already taking place prior to it would be like a guy named Jebediah sleeping with Estelle, contracting herpes from her and then blaming it on the next woman he slept with - Shania. I'm sorry, but things don't work like that.
While the following "why-we-lost" theories haven't been proposed by the Republican Party just yet, I thought I'd help them try to find the ultimate possible scapegoat, I mean excuse, I mean reason why they lost the election.
1) Women's hormones - A majority of women were not ovulating on the day of the election. Due to this, they felt good about themselves and weren't very cranky, which prompted them to vote for the nice guy they'd like to talk to in President Obama over the less-than-pleasant gentleman who made them feel fatter than a sumo wrestler on an all-Big Mac diet. From this point forward, the Republican Party will start a group called "It's That Time of the Month All Month," which will require that women take a pill that makes them ovulate all month long. They're confident this will lead to a larger share of the woman vote come election day.
2) The wind - When the wind blows in any such direction on an election day where the Democratic candidate wins, it's been said that the wind is to blame for the outcome. When there is no wind, the Republican candidate is in excellent shape. It's not known who said this or if it was even said before this time. In any case, from this point forward on election day, Republican candidates will walk outside first thing in the morning, check the wind by dropping some grass and then deciding whether or not elections can be held that day.
3) The liberal media - If the lamestream media didn't report the actual voting numbers, President Obama couldn't have won. The fair and balanced approach would have been to not report the voting numbers and told the American people the truth - "For all the voters out there - you've made your voices heard! Who will win? We can't tell you that. It could be Obama. It could be Romney. Well, that's it for us. Like we always say, we report and you decide. However, we won't report what you've decided. Goodnight." It has yet to be decided how an eventual winner would be named. The early favorite is God telling the nation via an intercom from heaven.
4) Marilyn Manson - This is a man that's pure evil - perhaps Satan himself - who has corrupted this nation through his image and lyrics. In his first few albums, songs could be played backwards and the following messages could be heard: "I want to penetrate your mom" and "Satan and I go bowling every Thursday," along with many other perverted, evil and hateful messages. In his most recent album, Manson decided to go a different route with these messages. When the songs were played backwards this time, the following words were sung or spoken: "Wanna know what Casper said to Mitt Romney? 'Da*n, that boy's white!' Vote for Obama!" and "Unless your name is Joseph Smith, don't vote for Romney. Sh*t, that's a lot of names. He'll still win Utah. Oh well. Obama 2012!"
5) Numbers - Why does 50% have to be greater than 48%? When did this start? Who came up with these rules? Why don't we count like this - 40, 41, 42, 43, 44, 45, 46, 47, 50, 48, 49? The number gods were obviously biased in favor of President Obama this election. From this point forward, we'll have golf and non-golf election years. The Republican Party will decide which it is after the election results are known. When the Republican candidate wins a larger share of the vote than the Democratic candidate, it'll be a non-golf year and the Republican will win the election. When the Republican candidate winds up with fewer votes than the Democratic candidate, however, that'll be called a golf year, with the lower score signifying victory. The two-headed coin toss is always fair!
I hope these additional "reasons" I've provided the Republican Party help ease away the pain it must feel after losing so handily on election day. You're welcome.
So, what are some of these reasons for defeat that the Republican Party has been citing in the days following the election? Let me list off a few:
1) The electoral college - When President Obama was announced as the winner of the 2012 presidential election, he had a smaller share of the overall popular vote than did Mitt Romney. This caused an uproar among many in conservative circles at first. What they failed to realize, however, is that there were millions of votes yet to be tallied and as of now, President Obama leads by approximately 3,000,000 votes nationally to go along with his 332 electoral votes. This theory lasted all but about 28 minutes. There are stoners' theories about being able to fly with their arms that have lasted longer than that.
2) Gary Johnson - The third-party libertarian candidate, Gary Johnson, was another that the Republican Party blamed for Mitt Romney's defeat. There can be no debating the fact that Johnson took some votes away from Romney. However, Johnson would had to have flipped multiple states in order for the theory to ring true. With President Obama winning the state of Florida and its 29 electoral votes, that places him at 332 - winning 25 states and Washington, D.C. Based on the end results, the only three states which Johnson could have potentially flipped were Virginia (Obama by around 3%), Ohio (Obama by about 2%) and Florida (Obama by slightly less than 1%). For as close as Florida was, it's the state Johnson could have flipped most easily in favor of President Obama. It's hypothetically possible he could have flipped Ohio to Obama as well, but he would had to have nabbed almost every single vote of the 2% of the electorate whom didn't vote for either Obama or Romney. That's not likely, since Johnson wasn't the only other candidate besides Romney and Obama on the ballot. It's nearly impossible Johnson could have flipped Virginia to Obama. For just the sake of argument, however - let's say that Johnson did flip all three of those tightly-contested states to the president. This would result in the president losing 60 electoral votes and winding up with 272 - still enough to win the election. This theory would be like if a baseball team I was on lost a game by the score of 8-2 and afterward, I said, "Well, if it wasn't for the grand slam you guys hit in the 4th inning, we would have won the game!" A grand slam results in four runs, so we still would have lost by the final score of 4-2. I'm starting to think math should be taught as a foreign language in school, since it's seemingly becoming foreign to so many, unfortunately.
3) Voter suppression - Republican leaders consistently tried suppressing voters, particularly ones with a skin tone that was darker than the orangish-tan that Speaker of the House - John Boehner - sports. This seems like a classic case of projection; that or the Democratic Party has secretly done the stupidest thing imaginable and attempted to strip away the voting rights of a demographic that makes up 70% of the U.S. population - whites. Yes, and next they will attempt to strip away the voting rights of the following groups: Men, the elderly, people who drive a car and people with jobs.
4) Chris Christie - Since Republican New Jersey Governor Chris Christie asked President Obama for help following the destruction Hurricane Sandy left in the Garden State and complimented the president on his post-Sandy relief efforts, some Republicans have pointed fingers at Christie following the election. What Christie should have done apparently was to have just sat in his home for over a week and not spoken to anyone until Mitt Romney won the election and then asked the president for aid.
At this time, Christie then would have announced the following message to the people he represents in the state of New Jersey: "Sorry folks. I had to do what I had to do, which was nothing. Please keep in mind that electing a Republican president is of far greater importance than making sure the people of this great state are safe and secure. God bless you all and please elect me for another term!"
5) Hurricane Sandy - Perhaps the favorite "why-we-lost" theory of the Republican Party is Hurricane Sandy. Apparently, Mitt Romney had all the momentum in the race prior to Sandy striking the Northeast. So if Sandy hadn't struck the nation, this momentum would have continued for the Republican nominee to the election and resulted in a victory for Romney. This isn't true, of course. While Romney enjoyed a good week or two of momentum following his first debate performance in Denver, things began to stabilize following the vice presidential and final two presidential debates. Since the majority of undecideds felt that the Democratic ticket won the final three debates, in conjunction with a good jobs report, the momentum had started to shift back over to the side of President Obama. This was all prior to Hurricane Sandy making her presence known in this country. Blaming Hurricane Sandy for the entire momentum shift which was already taking place prior to it would be like a guy named Jebediah sleeping with Estelle, contracting herpes from her and then blaming it on the next woman he slept with - Shania. I'm sorry, but things don't work like that.
While the following "why-we-lost" theories haven't been proposed by the Republican Party just yet, I thought I'd help them try to find the ultimate possible scapegoat, I mean excuse, I mean reason why they lost the election.
1) Women's hormones - A majority of women were not ovulating on the day of the election. Due to this, they felt good about themselves and weren't very cranky, which prompted them to vote for the nice guy they'd like to talk to in President Obama over the less-than-pleasant gentleman who made them feel fatter than a sumo wrestler on an all-Big Mac diet. From this point forward, the Republican Party will start a group called "It's That Time of the Month All Month," which will require that women take a pill that makes them ovulate all month long. They're confident this will lead to a larger share of the woman vote come election day.
2) The wind - When the wind blows in any such direction on an election day where the Democratic candidate wins, it's been said that the wind is to blame for the outcome. When there is no wind, the Republican candidate is in excellent shape. It's not known who said this or if it was even said before this time. In any case, from this point forward on election day, Republican candidates will walk outside first thing in the morning, check the wind by dropping some grass and then deciding whether or not elections can be held that day.
3) The liberal media - If the lamestream media didn't report the actual voting numbers, President Obama couldn't have won. The fair and balanced approach would have been to not report the voting numbers and told the American people the truth - "For all the voters out there - you've made your voices heard! Who will win? We can't tell you that. It could be Obama. It could be Romney. Well, that's it for us. Like we always say, we report and you decide. However, we won't report what you've decided. Goodnight." It has yet to be decided how an eventual winner would be named. The early favorite is God telling the nation via an intercom from heaven.
4) Marilyn Manson - This is a man that's pure evil - perhaps Satan himself - who has corrupted this nation through his image and lyrics. In his first few albums, songs could be played backwards and the following messages could be heard: "I want to penetrate your mom" and "Satan and I go bowling every Thursday," along with many other perverted, evil and hateful messages. In his most recent album, Manson decided to go a different route with these messages. When the songs were played backwards this time, the following words were sung or spoken: "Wanna know what Casper said to Mitt Romney? 'Da*n, that boy's white!' Vote for Obama!" and "Unless your name is Joseph Smith, don't vote for Romney. Sh*t, that's a lot of names. He'll still win Utah. Oh well. Obama 2012!"
5) Numbers - Why does 50% have to be greater than 48%? When did this start? Who came up with these rules? Why don't we count like this - 40, 41, 42, 43, 44, 45, 46, 47, 50, 48, 49? The number gods were obviously biased in favor of President Obama this election. From this point forward, we'll have golf and non-golf election years. The Republican Party will decide which it is after the election results are known. When the Republican candidate wins a larger share of the vote than the Democratic candidate, it'll be a non-golf year and the Republican will win the election. When the Republican candidate winds up with fewer votes than the Democratic candidate, however, that'll be called a golf year, with the lower score signifying victory. The two-headed coin toss is always fair!
I hope these additional "reasons" I've provided the Republican Party help ease away the pain it must feel after losing so handily on election day. You're welcome.
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