Setting: An office at RCH (Republican Cult Headquarters) located in Waco, Texas
Secretary Thelma Smith: ::calls her boss:: "They're ready for you, sir."
Boss Joe Smith: "Alright, good. Wait - hold up..."
Thelma: "Sir?"
Joe: "Are there any women there?"
Thelma: "No, sir."
Joe: "Good. Are there any men with skin darker than that of a snowman?"
Thelma: "Just a couple."
Joe: "Please escort them out."
Thelma: "Yes, sir."
Joe: "Okay, I'll be out there momentarily."
Thelma: "I'll let them know."
::Joe takes a moment to change into a camouflage uniform, where the words "I Love Guns and Jesus" are written::
Joe: ::walks into the next room:: "Hello everyone, and welcome to Republican Cult Headquarters. I am the leader of this fine establishment - Joe Smith, but you can all call me sir. I assume that each and every one of you is here to try and convince me that you deserve to be a part of this very exclusive organization..."
Guy in the crowd: "Sir, yes sir!"
Joe: "Excuse me. What is your name?"
Guy in the crowd: "Joshua, sir!"
Joe: "Thelma, would you please show Joshua out the door? Nobody will be allowed to speak unless they're called upon! Is that clear?"
::everyone nods in unison::
Joe: "Good. Joshua looked a little too tan anyway. Now, as I was saying before Joshua interrupted me - I assume that each and every one of you is here to try and convince me that you deserve to be a part of this very exclusive organization. When I say exclusive, I really do mean that. Before Joshua had to be escorted, there were 12 of you here. On a good day, two of you will be welcomed to the RC (Republican Cult). Before me I have a list of your names. I don't know who is who, so you'll need to help me out. When I read your name, you have my permission to speak. However, just a 'Yes, sir' will suffice. I will then ask you a random question in this other list I'm holding. After you answer the question, I will decide whether to have my lovely assistant escort you out or to keep you around for at least one more question. Well, let's get started, shall we? Is there a Bill Bratwurst?"
Bill: "Yes, sir. That's me."
Joe: "Okay, Mr. Bratwurst - are you scared of black people?"
Bill: "Very much so."
Joe: "That's a good answer. You can stay for now. My next question is for a Jacob Christ. Is Jacob here today?"
Jacob: "Yes, sir."
Joe: "Jacob, if you and I were the only two people left on earth, would you try to have sexual relations with me?"
Jacob: "Uh..."
Joe: "Wrong! Thelma, get him out of here! I'll ask someone else that same question. Thomas Hole - if you and I were the only two people left on earth, would you try to have sexual relations with me?"
Thomas: "I might get a little lonely, so yeah - probably."
Joe: "That's disgusting! Thelma, you know what to do. I'm going to ask this question one more time. If the next person doesn't get it right, you'll all be escorted out of here! James Gat - if you and I were the only two people left on earth, would you try to have sexual relations with me?"
James: "Hell no, sir."
Joe: "That's more like it! Well done, James. Okay, is there a Nick Smith?"
Nick: "I'm right here, sir."
Joe: "If a woman is raped, told that both she and her baby would perish upon going through with the pregnancy, and that the world would literally end if she gave birth to this child, should it be legal for her to have an abortion?"
Nick: "I suppose so..."
Joe: "That's incorrect, Nick. Get out of here. If anybody else agrees with Nick here, you can leave as well. Let me see a show of hands. If a woman is raped, told that both she and her baby would perish upon going through with the pregnancy, and that the world would literally end if she gave birth to this child, should it be legal for her to have an abortion?"
::five more people raise their hands::
Joe: "You all can leave as well. That brings us down to three. I see Bill Bratwurst and James Gat are still here. I don't recognize the third guy. What is your name?"
Third guy: "It's Bob Johnson, sir."
Joe: "Okay, Bob - this next question is for you. Should blind people be allowed to own guns?"
Bob: "My two brothers are both blind and go to the shooting ranges twice a week, sir. They only killed four people this past week! So, sir, yes sir!"
Joe: "Fascinating. I think I know them. Bill Bratwurst - this next question is for you. Do you believe in freedom of religion for Christians, but not anybody else?"
Bill: "Christianity is the only religion!"
Joe: "Excellent response and how true that is! James Gat - if both a man and a woman work the same job with the same level of productivity, should they get paid equally as well?"
James: "That's a tough one, sir. I don't really know how to..."
Joe: "Sorry, the RC doesn't accept hesitation and thought. You may leave now. Bob Johnson - if both a man and a woman work the same job with the same level of productivity, should they get paid equally as well?"
Bob: "Hell no! Women belong in the kitchen anyway!"
Joe: "That's more like it! Bill? Bob? You're almost there! I only have one more question for the each of you and if you answer it correctly, you will become members of the RC. Who is more important in the history of America - Ronald Reagan or God?"
Bill and Bob: "God!"
Joe: "Dammit! That's the wrong answer! Ronald Reagan is God! You can both leave now as well."
Thelma: "You're never going to find anyone good enough for this organization, are you sir?"
Joe: "It doesn't seem like it, does it? Well, I think I'm going to leave work early today and head to that new gay bar downtown with my friends Jerome, Mohamed, and Lance. If I get any calls, just say I'm praying for the souls of this great nation and take a message. Thanks, Thelma."
Secretary Thelma Smith: ::calls her boss:: "They're ready for you, sir."
Boss Joe Smith: "Alright, good. Wait - hold up..."
Thelma: "Sir?"
Joe: "Are there any women there?"
Thelma: "No, sir."
Joe: "Good. Are there any men with skin darker than that of a snowman?"
Thelma: "Just a couple."
Joe: "Please escort them out."
Thelma: "Yes, sir."
Joe: "Okay, I'll be out there momentarily."
Thelma: "I'll let them know."
::Joe takes a moment to change into a camouflage uniform, where the words "I Love Guns and Jesus" are written::
Joe: ::walks into the next room:: "Hello everyone, and welcome to Republican Cult Headquarters. I am the leader of this fine establishment - Joe Smith, but you can all call me sir. I assume that each and every one of you is here to try and convince me that you deserve to be a part of this very exclusive organization..."
Guy in the crowd: "Sir, yes sir!"
Joe: "Excuse me. What is your name?"
Guy in the crowd: "Joshua, sir!"
Joe: "Thelma, would you please show Joshua out the door? Nobody will be allowed to speak unless they're called upon! Is that clear?"
::everyone nods in unison::
Joe: "Good. Joshua looked a little too tan anyway. Now, as I was saying before Joshua interrupted me - I assume that each and every one of you is here to try and convince me that you deserve to be a part of this very exclusive organization. When I say exclusive, I really do mean that. Before Joshua had to be escorted, there were 12 of you here. On a good day, two of you will be welcomed to the RC (Republican Cult). Before me I have a list of your names. I don't know who is who, so you'll need to help me out. When I read your name, you have my permission to speak. However, just a 'Yes, sir' will suffice. I will then ask you a random question in this other list I'm holding. After you answer the question, I will decide whether to have my lovely assistant escort you out or to keep you around for at least one more question. Well, let's get started, shall we? Is there a Bill Bratwurst?"
Bill: "Yes, sir. That's me."
Joe: "Okay, Mr. Bratwurst - are you scared of black people?"
Bill: "Very much so."
Joe: "That's a good answer. You can stay for now. My next question is for a Jacob Christ. Is Jacob here today?"
Jacob: "Yes, sir."
Joe: "Jacob, if you and I were the only two people left on earth, would you try to have sexual relations with me?"
Jacob: "Uh..."
Joe: "Wrong! Thelma, get him out of here! I'll ask someone else that same question. Thomas Hole - if you and I were the only two people left on earth, would you try to have sexual relations with me?"
Thomas: "I might get a little lonely, so yeah - probably."
Joe: "That's disgusting! Thelma, you know what to do. I'm going to ask this question one more time. If the next person doesn't get it right, you'll all be escorted out of here! James Gat - if you and I were the only two people left on earth, would you try to have sexual relations with me?"
James: "Hell no, sir."
Joe: "That's more like it! Well done, James. Okay, is there a Nick Smith?"
Nick: "I'm right here, sir."
Joe: "If a woman is raped, told that both she and her baby would perish upon going through with the pregnancy, and that the world would literally end if she gave birth to this child, should it be legal for her to have an abortion?"
Nick: "I suppose so..."
Joe: "That's incorrect, Nick. Get out of here. If anybody else agrees with Nick here, you can leave as well. Let me see a show of hands. If a woman is raped, told that both she and her baby would perish upon going through with the pregnancy, and that the world would literally end if she gave birth to this child, should it be legal for her to have an abortion?"
::five more people raise their hands::
Joe: "You all can leave as well. That brings us down to three. I see Bill Bratwurst and James Gat are still here. I don't recognize the third guy. What is your name?"
Third guy: "It's Bob Johnson, sir."
Joe: "Okay, Bob - this next question is for you. Should blind people be allowed to own guns?"
Bob: "My two brothers are both blind and go to the shooting ranges twice a week, sir. They only killed four people this past week! So, sir, yes sir!"
Joe: "Fascinating. I think I know them. Bill Bratwurst - this next question is for you. Do you believe in freedom of religion for Christians, but not anybody else?"
Bill: "Christianity is the only religion!"
Joe: "Excellent response and how true that is! James Gat - if both a man and a woman work the same job with the same level of productivity, should they get paid equally as well?"
James: "That's a tough one, sir. I don't really know how to..."
Joe: "Sorry, the RC doesn't accept hesitation and thought. You may leave now. Bob Johnson - if both a man and a woman work the same job with the same level of productivity, should they get paid equally as well?"
Bob: "Hell no! Women belong in the kitchen anyway!"
Joe: "That's more like it! Bill? Bob? You're almost there! I only have one more question for the each of you and if you answer it correctly, you will become members of the RC. Who is more important in the history of America - Ronald Reagan or God?"
Bill and Bob: "God!"
Joe: "Dammit! That's the wrong answer! Ronald Reagan is God! You can both leave now as well."
Thelma: "You're never going to find anyone good enough for this organization, are you sir?"
Joe: "It doesn't seem like it, does it? Well, I think I'm going to leave work early today and head to that new gay bar downtown with my friends Jerome, Mohamed, and Lance. If I get any calls, just say I'm praying for the souls of this great nation and take a message. Thanks, Thelma."
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