I'll be the first to admit that I've been suffering from Facebook Burnout Syndrome (FBS) over the past year or so, and if it weren't for the fact the site allows me to keep in touch with out-of-state friends and family, I would probably have closed my account several months ago. Even before FBS set in, however, there were a number of statuses which annoyed me, and I thought I'd spend some time poking fun at them (I know I'm not alone here...). Here they are:
1) I need some vag-ueh prayers-uh! Can I hear an ame-hen?!? - While I'm not a religious person and don't spend much (any) time praying, I understand a lot of people are religious and do believe in the power of prayer, and that's fine. However, I can't for the life of me understand these statuses which say something along the lines of, "I know someone who's going through some hard times and is need of some prayers! I won't name any names, whether or not they actually exist, what the problem is, or anything specific, but please pray for them!" How is this prayer supposed to go then? "Oh God, a friend of a friend's brother's cousin's next door-neighbor's mother's sister's old senior prom date told me that someone out there needs a prayer. I'm not sure who this person is, how old they are, where they live, what the situation is, or anything of the sort, but I sincerely want to pray for him, her, it, or whatever, that they get through whatever this is, and all of that good stuff. Thank you, oh God, lord, Jesus. Amen." If God isn't omniscient, he's likely responding to such prayers by saying, "What the hell are they talking about?" How about even the slightest bit of direction with these posts? Please?
2) That's it; I'm leaving Facebook and there's nothing you can do about it! - Drama much? If this person was entirely serious, why don't they message their closest friends on the site to inform them, exchange contact information so they can stay in touch, and be done with it? This has attention-seeker written all over it. What they want are numerous responses such as this: "Oh no! Don't go! We'll miss you!," "Facebook just won't be the same without you!," "I'm crying already just thinking about it!," and "Who am I going to cyber with now?"
3) "I'm like so over you..." - The sources of these statuses seem to neglect the fact they're counterproductive. If Person A is truly over Person B, Person A won't feel the need to tell the world they're over Person B via social media. The fact they felt the need to do this proves they're not actually over Person B. What could be going through these individuals' minds at the point of the post? "I'm like so over him. I'm obviously thinking about him right now, but am so so so very over him. I'm so over him, I'm constantly thinking about being over him, so I'm constantly thinking about him, and I'm going to prove to everyone I'm both constantly thinking about him and over him by posting how over him I am on Facebook! Like totally!" Like totally not...
4) I'm about to eat this! - Why do some feel the need to share EVERYTHING about their lives? I've noticed this growing trend where people share pictures of what they're about to eat. What are they trying to do exactly? Brag to friends about a dish they're about to consume while said dish gets cold as they brag about it? Try to show the world they eat healthy at times while they secretly stuff their faces full with potato chips and ice cream? Pretend they've discovered something profound ("Look everybody - a hamburger!")? Maybe it's just me, but when I'm hungry and I see food I either cooked or have been served, the last thing on my mind is, "I know what I should do; take a picture of what I'm about to devour here shortly, all the while my tummy grumbles and tells me to put my damn phone down!"
5) The greatest in the world! - Maybe I'm a bit old-fashioned when it comes to relationships, but when it comes to romance, I tend to like my privacy, and would rather show the woman I'm with how much she means to me (and vice versa) than to tell all my Facebook friends about it. I can't tell you how many times per week I see these types of statuses: "My husband is the greatest! He made me pancakes this morning!," "I'm the luckiest man in the world. My wife is simply the best! Thanks for everything, hun," "My boyfriend is the sweetest boyfriend ever!," and "My girlfriend is the hottest piece of ass! Damn!" Why, instead of expressing such things electronically to friends, family, and acquaintances, express them to the person face-to-face? When a person seems to constantly post how great their relationship is, it leads me to believe, as a drunken Shakespeare might say, "There's something rotten in the state of Denver."
6) A selfie a day kept the Facebook demons away - This is attention-seeking at its finest. While I could understand a person taking a picture of themselves after they made a significant change in their appearance, whether it be losing weight, altering their hairstyle, or getting the Oregon State Beavers logo tattooed on their lower abdomen, I have trouble understanding the need to post selfies every single day. All it says to me is: Monday - "Hey, look at me!," Tuesday - "Hey, look at me again!," Wednesday - "Did you forget about me? Look! I said look!," Thursday - "Look! Look! Look!," Friday - "Have you looked yet? Have you? Have you? This is your fifth opportunity of the week!," Saturday - "The weekend's here! Start it off right by looking at me!," and Sunday - "After you're done praying in church, look at me!" No thanks. Once was enough...
7) This is probably a hoax, but I'm going to share it just to be safe, and to look like an idiot in the process - Whether it be a Facebook hoax which has been debunked countless times, an Obama conspiracy theory which has been debunked even more times, or a silly chain letter, I see these posts in my newsfeed at least once a week. The following words almost always precede the article: "I don't know if this is true or not, but it's better to be safe than sorry." I want to respond, "It's better to fact-check than sound like an idiot," but I'm afraid they wouldn't understand my point. Just this past week, a Facebook hoax which was debunked in 2009 and 2012 again made its presence felt on the site, only to be debunked for a third time. When people post the same debunked hoax three times, I want to bust out my edited Bushisms-reciting doll, which would say, "Fool me thrice, shame on, shame on you. Fool me, you can't get fooled again! Heh heh heh heh heh heh."
1) I need some vag-ueh prayers-uh! Can I hear an ame-hen?!? - While I'm not a religious person and don't spend much (any) time praying, I understand a lot of people are religious and do believe in the power of prayer, and that's fine. However, I can't for the life of me understand these statuses which say something along the lines of, "I know someone who's going through some hard times and is need of some prayers! I won't name any names, whether or not they actually exist, what the problem is, or anything specific, but please pray for them!" How is this prayer supposed to go then? "Oh God, a friend of a friend's brother's cousin's next door-neighbor's mother's sister's old senior prom date told me that someone out there needs a prayer. I'm not sure who this person is, how old they are, where they live, what the situation is, or anything of the sort, but I sincerely want to pray for him, her, it, or whatever, that they get through whatever this is, and all of that good stuff. Thank you, oh God, lord, Jesus. Amen." If God isn't omniscient, he's likely responding to such prayers by saying, "What the hell are they talking about?" How about even the slightest bit of direction with these posts? Please?
2) That's it; I'm leaving Facebook and there's nothing you can do about it! - Drama much? If this person was entirely serious, why don't they message their closest friends on the site to inform them, exchange contact information so they can stay in touch, and be done with it? This has attention-seeker written all over it. What they want are numerous responses such as this: "Oh no! Don't go! We'll miss you!," "Facebook just won't be the same without you!," "I'm crying already just thinking about it!," and "Who am I going to cyber with now?"
3) "I'm like so over you..." - The sources of these statuses seem to neglect the fact they're counterproductive. If Person A is truly over Person B, Person A won't feel the need to tell the world they're over Person B via social media. The fact they felt the need to do this proves they're not actually over Person B. What could be going through these individuals' minds at the point of the post? "I'm like so over him. I'm obviously thinking about him right now, but am so so so very over him. I'm so over him, I'm constantly thinking about being over him, so I'm constantly thinking about him, and I'm going to prove to everyone I'm both constantly thinking about him and over him by posting how over him I am on Facebook! Like totally!" Like totally not...
4) I'm about to eat this! - Why do some feel the need to share EVERYTHING about their lives? I've noticed this growing trend where people share pictures of what they're about to eat. What are they trying to do exactly? Brag to friends about a dish they're about to consume while said dish gets cold as they brag about it? Try to show the world they eat healthy at times while they secretly stuff their faces full with potato chips and ice cream? Pretend they've discovered something profound ("Look everybody - a hamburger!")? Maybe it's just me, but when I'm hungry and I see food I either cooked or have been served, the last thing on my mind is, "I know what I should do; take a picture of what I'm about to devour here shortly, all the while my tummy grumbles and tells me to put my damn phone down!"
5) The greatest in the world! - Maybe I'm a bit old-fashioned when it comes to relationships, but when it comes to romance, I tend to like my privacy, and would rather show the woman I'm with how much she means to me (and vice versa) than to tell all my Facebook friends about it. I can't tell you how many times per week I see these types of statuses: "My husband is the greatest! He made me pancakes this morning!," "I'm the luckiest man in the world. My wife is simply the best! Thanks for everything, hun," "My boyfriend is the sweetest boyfriend ever!," and "My girlfriend is the hottest piece of ass! Damn!" Why, instead of expressing such things electronically to friends, family, and acquaintances, express them to the person face-to-face? When a person seems to constantly post how great their relationship is, it leads me to believe, as a drunken Shakespeare might say, "There's something rotten in the state of Denver."
6) A selfie a day kept the Facebook demons away - This is attention-seeking at its finest. While I could understand a person taking a picture of themselves after they made a significant change in their appearance, whether it be losing weight, altering their hairstyle, or getting the Oregon State Beavers logo tattooed on their lower abdomen, I have trouble understanding the need to post selfies every single day. All it says to me is: Monday - "Hey, look at me!," Tuesday - "Hey, look at me again!," Wednesday - "Did you forget about me? Look! I said look!," Thursday - "Look! Look! Look!," Friday - "Have you looked yet? Have you? Have you? This is your fifth opportunity of the week!," Saturday - "The weekend's here! Start it off right by looking at me!," and Sunday - "After you're done praying in church, look at me!" No thanks. Once was enough...
7) This is probably a hoax, but I'm going to share it just to be safe, and to look like an idiot in the process - Whether it be a Facebook hoax which has been debunked countless times, an Obama conspiracy theory which has been debunked even more times, or a silly chain letter, I see these posts in my newsfeed at least once a week. The following words almost always precede the article: "I don't know if this is true or not, but it's better to be safe than sorry." I want to respond, "It's better to fact-check than sound like an idiot," but I'm afraid they wouldn't understand my point. Just this past week, a Facebook hoax which was debunked in 2009 and 2012 again made its presence felt on the site, only to be debunked for a third time. When people post the same debunked hoax three times, I want to bust out my edited Bushisms-reciting doll, which would say, "Fool me thrice, shame on, shame on you. Fool me, you can't get fooled again! Heh heh heh heh heh heh."
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