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Mike Huckabee to become husband #5 for Kim Davis

Earlier today, former Arkansas Governor Mike Huckabee made a big announcement - he is going to divorce his wife of 40+ years, Janet, to become Kentucky county clerk Kim Davis' fifth husband (fourth different). Ms. Davis said she will be divorcing her husband, Joe, for the second time, right after they cross 'a quickie at Walmart' off their bucket list. Their two marriages lasted approximately 8 and 6 years, respectively.

When he was asked about this surprising turn of events, Huckabee said the following:

"You know how you see in some of those romantic movies, a guy will say something like, 'You had me at hello'? Well, Kim had me at, 'I won't,' as she stood up for God almighty and said, 'I won't give marriage licenses to gay couples, even though it's now legal nationwide, it's my job to do so, and I, being divorced three times and married four times, probably have no right to lecture others about the sanctity of marriage.' Not much turns me on, but just thinking about that always gets me going."

Wanting to quickly change the subject, I then asked Huckabee what his wife and three kids thought of the news, to which he responded:

"They know the only voice I really listen to is Jesus'. No matter what any of them tell me, there's this voice I hear in my head which requires my full attention. So this voice told me to divorce my wife of 40-some-odd years, marry what will soon be a four-times divorced woman, and continue our fight against gays being allowed to wed. It's what the voice in my head wants; it's what Jesus would want. I'm simply trying to live my life by God's good word, the Bible, and fight against people garnering equal rights, not love everyone and accept everyone equally, fight for the rich and against the poor, and become Kim Davis' fifth and hopefully last husband."

When I caught up with Kim Wallace-turned-Kim Davis-turned-Kim McIntyre-turned-Kim Davis-soon-to-be-turned-Kim Huckabee, she said this:

"Yes, Jesus loves me, yes, Jesus loves me, yes, Jesus loves me, the Bible tells me so. God is good, God is good, God is good to me. Jesus loves the little children..."

After cutting her off, she finally broke from her trance and said the following:

"I'm like a hybrid of Martin Luther King and Elizabeth Taylor, because like MLK, I will continue to fight against certain people getting equal rights, and like Ms. Taylor, I have a thing for weddings - my own weddings more specifically. Sanctity should be my middle name, because my four previous weddings were all very dear and special to me, as will be my fifth, and the five others that come after it. But two men or two women who truly love each other getting married even just once? That's like the opposite of sanctity as far as I'm concerned. America needs to wake up! America is the land of the free, unless you're gay; that's in the Constitution. Jesus loves and accepts everyone; unless you're gay; it's in the Bible or a World Net Daily article I read one time by a guy with the username of Humpity Shicklefits. Fact!"

It's unknown at this time what the couple's first dance song will be at their wedding, but Mick Jagger of The Rolling Stones suggested they dance to one of their hits - "You Can't Always Get What You Want." Green Day also chimed in on the matter, offering to perform at the Huckabees' wedding, only to repeatedly play their song, "Walking Contradiction."

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