Ever since he announced his run for the Oval Office, I've wondered if Donald Trump partially did it out of boredom, wanting something new and exciting in his life. Now that he's atop Republican polls, I have a feeling he's taking matters a bit more seriously (well, maybe). Given his demeanor, if he doesn't win the election next November and wants to take on a new venture, I suggest he gives one of the following jobs a gander. Next to each job title, I'll write what I picture Mr. Trump saying if he were to go that route in the future.
Walmart greeter: "Hey losers, welcome to Walmart. Hey, you over there with the Superman costume and missing teeth, I was specifically talking to you! Both parts, the welcoming and loser bits. Well, hello, how are you, sugar tits? Welcome to Walmart!"
Telemarketer: "Hey, yeah, so what do you want? What the hell do you need that for? Who does that anymore? I mean, read books? Seriously? Here, I'm like a human, life-sized dictionary, encyclopedia, and tyrannosaurus, so ask me anything and, free of charge, I'll tell you what you want to know. You're welcome. What's your first question? The Titanic sinks harder than styrofoam balls. Next? The capital of Syria is Sri Lanka. Next? What women want more than anything is a man with my hair. Okay, that's it. Bye, little Jeffrey. Yes, I'll be at the family barbecue over the weekend. ...and always remember, reading and learning is for idiots!"
Motivational speaker: "The saying goes, 'If you think you can or think you can't, you're probably right,' but I'm here to tell you that's wrong! Whether you think you can or think you can't, you can't, so get over it, people! Anyway, be sure to buy my new book at the front, How to Suck Less Than You Already Do.
Counselor: "So why are you here? Let me guess, you've got nothing going for you, you suck at everything you do, you don't have any friends or girlfriends, and it's all your parents' fault, right? I mean, just look at you. What's that on your shirt? Radiohead? What is that, like Radio Shack? Is that where you work now or something? What a future you have ahead of you! Your folks must be really proud! You know what? I can't look at you anymore. Please leave, oh, and tell your mom I'll be picking her up at 7 tonight. Thanks, kid."
Teacher: "I just wanna start out by saying, no matter what you say, no matter what you think, no matter what you do, I will always be smarter, better, and awesomer than you! I'll have more money, more women, more private jets, more everything than all of you low-lifes! Well, anyway, welcome to kindergarten."
Greeting card writer: "Roses are red, violets are blue, your face is ugly, and so are you. Happy Anniversary."
Couples counselor: "Hey beautiful. Who's this guy, your weird cousin? Your husband? Are you serious? Wow... How did a guy like this get a girl like you? You know what? Don't tell me; I don't want to know. So, talk to me, sexy. What do you like to do for fun? Hey, I'm not talking to you, bozo, so shut it! Anyway, where was I? Oh, that's right, Jasmine, what do you enjoy doing with your free time? Oh really? Want to do some of that with me later? How about right now? Okay, Michael, just go up to the front for your bill and I'm going to take your wife to Europe. Ciao!"
Walmart greeter: "Hey losers, welcome to Walmart. Hey, you over there with the Superman costume and missing teeth, I was specifically talking to you! Both parts, the welcoming and loser bits. Well, hello, how are you, sugar tits? Welcome to Walmart!"
Telemarketer: "Hey, yeah, so what do you want? What the hell do you need that for? Who does that anymore? I mean, read books? Seriously? Here, I'm like a human, life-sized dictionary, encyclopedia, and tyrannosaurus, so ask me anything and, free of charge, I'll tell you what you want to know. You're welcome. What's your first question? The Titanic sinks harder than styrofoam balls. Next? The capital of Syria is Sri Lanka. Next? What women want more than anything is a man with my hair. Okay, that's it. Bye, little Jeffrey. Yes, I'll be at the family barbecue over the weekend. ...and always remember, reading and learning is for idiots!"
Motivational speaker: "The saying goes, 'If you think you can or think you can't, you're probably right,' but I'm here to tell you that's wrong! Whether you think you can or think you can't, you can't, so get over it, people! Anyway, be sure to buy my new book at the front, How to Suck Less Than You Already Do.
Counselor: "So why are you here? Let me guess, you've got nothing going for you, you suck at everything you do, you don't have any friends or girlfriends, and it's all your parents' fault, right? I mean, just look at you. What's that on your shirt? Radiohead? What is that, like Radio Shack? Is that where you work now or something? What a future you have ahead of you! Your folks must be really proud! You know what? I can't look at you anymore. Please leave, oh, and tell your mom I'll be picking her up at 7 tonight. Thanks, kid."
Teacher: "I just wanna start out by saying, no matter what you say, no matter what you think, no matter what you do, I will always be smarter, better, and awesomer than you! I'll have more money, more women, more private jets, more everything than all of you low-lifes! Well, anyway, welcome to kindergarten."
Greeting card writer: "Roses are red, violets are blue, your face is ugly, and so are you. Happy Anniversary."
Couples counselor: "Hey beautiful. Who's this guy, your weird cousin? Your husband? Are you serious? Wow... How did a guy like this get a girl like you? You know what? Don't tell me; I don't want to know. So, talk to me, sexy. What do you like to do for fun? Hey, I'm not talking to you, bozo, so shut it! Anyway, where was I? Oh, that's right, Jasmine, what do you enjoy doing with your free time? Oh really? Want to do some of that with me later? How about right now? Okay, Michael, just go up to the front for your bill and I'm going to take your wife to Europe. Ciao!"
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