There are probably between 5 and 10 films I can't ever get tired of watching (that may be an understatement), and Rob Reiner/Nora Ephron's classic, When Harry Met Sally, is one such film. It is, without question, my favorite romantic comedy of all-time, and every now and again, I feel the urge to watch it again for the umpteenth time.
Just recently, for whatever reason, I began thinking about some classic dialogue from the film regarding platonic friendship between men and women. Here are the two back-and-forths from the film about the matter:
Harry Burns: "You realize of course that we could never be friends."
Sally Albright: "Why not?"
Harry Burns: "What I'm saying is - and this is not a come-on in any way, shape or form - is that men and women can't be friends because the sex part always gets in the way."
Sally Albright: "That's not true. I have a number of men friends and there is no sex involved."
Harry Burns: "No you don't."
Sally Albright: "Yes I do."
Harry Burns: "No you don't."
Sally Albright: "Yes I do."
Harry Burns: "You only think you do."
Sally Albright: "You say I'm having sex with these men without my knowledge?"
Harry Burns: "No, what I'm saying is they all WANT to have sex with you."
Sally Albright: "They do not."
Harry Burns: "Do to."
Sally Albright: "They do not."
Harry Burns: "Do to."
Sally Albright: "How do you know?"
Harry Burns: "Because no man can be friends with a woman that he finds attractive. He always wants to have sex with her."
Sally Albright: "So, you're saying that a man can be friends with a woman he finds unattractive?"
Harry Burns: "No. You pretty much want to nail 'em too."
Sally Albright: "What if THEY don't want to have sex with YOU?"
Harry Burns: "Doesn't matter because the sex thing is already out there so the friendship is ultimately doomed and that is the end of the story."
Sally Albright: "Well, I guess we're not going to be friends then."
Harry Burns: "I guess not."
Sally Albright: "That's too bad. You were the only person I knew in New York."
and
Harry Burns: "Would you like to have dinner?... Just friends."
Sally Albright: "I thought you didn't believe men and women could be friends."
Harry Burns: "When did I say that?"
Sally Albright: "On the ride to New York."
Harry Burns: "No, no, no, I never said that... Yes, that's right, they can't be friends. Unless both of them are involved with other people, then they can... This is an amendment to the earlier rule. If the two people are in relationships, the pressure of possible involvement is lifted... That doesn't work either, because what happens then is, the person you're involved with can't understand why you need to be friends with the person you're just friends with. Like it means something is missing from the relationship and why do you have to go outside to get it? And when you say "No, no, no it's not true, nothing is missing from the relationship," the person you're involved with then accuses you of being secretly attracted to the person you're just friends with, which you probably are. I mean, come on, who the hell are we kidding, let's face it. Which brings us back to the earlier rule before the amendment, which is men and women can't be friends."
So, did the film's writer Nora Ephron (and Billy Crystal's character Harry Burns) have a point here, did she miss the mark, or is it too grey of a subject for her to have been right or wrong?
From observation and personal experience, while I do think the film makes an interesting point, I think it's far too grey of a subject to see this point (or lack there of) as being absolute one way or the other. Assuming that we're talking about heterosexual individuals (yes, gay men and straight women, as well as lesbian women and straight men can definitely be friends), while I believe it to be possible for post-pubescent single men and women to enjoy platonic relationships with one another, they tend to be much less complicated before puberty and after both are involved in serious romantic relationships. Unfortunately, like Harry Burns suggested and studies tend to confirm (http://www.cosmopolitan.co.uk/love-sex/relationships/a16811/when-harry-met-sally-was-right-men-and-women-cant-ever-just-be-friends/), sex does often get in the way. In the linked study, it was found that, whether men were romantically involved or single, they tended to be attracted to their female friends. Not only that, they tended to believe these female friends were more interested in and attracted to them than they were in actuality, with the female friends tending to be clueless on the matter. Of course, I have seen these roles reversed as well, with females being attracted to a male friend and believing that he's more interested in her than he is in reality. The thing is, before puberty, sex isn't even an issue yet. Later in life, if two people are seriously involved with others, sex is seen as off the table, so it's pushed out of mind, if it was ever there in the first place. If one or especially both of the individuals are single, however, the more time these two friends spend with one another and talk to each other, the more likely it is that one will develop stronger feelings for the other, and that makes it increasingly difficult to maintain a long-term platonic relationship (until one or both involve themselves in a serious romantic relationship). While it is possible that both of these friends could develop stronger feelings for each other and the friendship could blossom into a happy, successful, long-term relationship, it's unlikely.
I think the main issue with single men and women enjoying purely platonic relationships with one another is that it's difficult for us to be on the same wavelength, which often leads to misunderstandings. A man may have a crush on a female friend, but doesn't want to potentially damage the friendship by attempting to expand on it. The female friend may only see him as a friend, yet since he has feelings for her, if she playfully flirts with him or compliments him, he'll likely start believing she has feelings for him as well, when all she's trying to do is be kind, silly, and a friend, likely oblivious to the feelings he has for her. The man could potentially have a crush on the woman at first, but the longer they carry on their friendship, the more he starts to see her as a sister, and when she starts garnering stronger feelings for him, he has to sadly inform her he no longer feels the same way. So it can be incredibly difficult for a single man and woman to think of one another in a 100% platonic manner, all the while opening up to each other and leaving themselves vulnerable in the process, and through that, exhibiting a great deal of trust for one another. It's possible, but as personal experience and observation have shown me, it can be incredibly difficult. So, while I don't think Nora Ephron and Harry Burns are 100% accurate on the matter, I think their contentions do hold some validity.
Just recently, for whatever reason, I began thinking about some classic dialogue from the film regarding platonic friendship between men and women. Here are the two back-and-forths from the film about the matter:
Harry Burns: "You realize of course that we could never be friends."
Sally Albright: "Why not?"
Harry Burns: "What I'm saying is - and this is not a come-on in any way, shape or form - is that men and women can't be friends because the sex part always gets in the way."
Sally Albright: "That's not true. I have a number of men friends and there is no sex involved."
Harry Burns: "No you don't."
Sally Albright: "Yes I do."
Harry Burns: "No you don't."
Sally Albright: "Yes I do."
Harry Burns: "You only think you do."
Sally Albright: "You say I'm having sex with these men without my knowledge?"
Harry Burns: "No, what I'm saying is they all WANT to have sex with you."
Sally Albright: "They do not."
Harry Burns: "Do to."
Sally Albright: "They do not."
Harry Burns: "Do to."
Sally Albright: "How do you know?"
Harry Burns: "Because no man can be friends with a woman that he finds attractive. He always wants to have sex with her."
Sally Albright: "So, you're saying that a man can be friends with a woman he finds unattractive?"
Harry Burns: "No. You pretty much want to nail 'em too."
Sally Albright: "What if THEY don't want to have sex with YOU?"
Harry Burns: "Doesn't matter because the sex thing is already out there so the friendship is ultimately doomed and that is the end of the story."
Sally Albright: "Well, I guess we're not going to be friends then."
Harry Burns: "I guess not."
Sally Albright: "That's too bad. You were the only person I knew in New York."
and
Harry Burns: "Would you like to have dinner?... Just friends."
Sally Albright: "I thought you didn't believe men and women could be friends."
Harry Burns: "When did I say that?"
Sally Albright: "On the ride to New York."
Harry Burns: "No, no, no, I never said that... Yes, that's right, they can't be friends. Unless both of them are involved with other people, then they can... This is an amendment to the earlier rule. If the two people are in relationships, the pressure of possible involvement is lifted... That doesn't work either, because what happens then is, the person you're involved with can't understand why you need to be friends with the person you're just friends with. Like it means something is missing from the relationship and why do you have to go outside to get it? And when you say "No, no, no it's not true, nothing is missing from the relationship," the person you're involved with then accuses you of being secretly attracted to the person you're just friends with, which you probably are. I mean, come on, who the hell are we kidding, let's face it. Which brings us back to the earlier rule before the amendment, which is men and women can't be friends."
So, did the film's writer Nora Ephron (and Billy Crystal's character Harry Burns) have a point here, did she miss the mark, or is it too grey of a subject for her to have been right or wrong?
From observation and personal experience, while I do think the film makes an interesting point, I think it's far too grey of a subject to see this point (or lack there of) as being absolute one way or the other. Assuming that we're talking about heterosexual individuals (yes, gay men and straight women, as well as lesbian women and straight men can definitely be friends), while I believe it to be possible for post-pubescent single men and women to enjoy platonic relationships with one another, they tend to be much less complicated before puberty and after both are involved in serious romantic relationships. Unfortunately, like Harry Burns suggested and studies tend to confirm (http://www.cosmopolitan.co.uk/love-sex/relationships/a16811/when-harry-met-sally-was-right-men-and-women-cant-ever-just-be-friends/), sex does often get in the way. In the linked study, it was found that, whether men were romantically involved or single, they tended to be attracted to their female friends. Not only that, they tended to believe these female friends were more interested in and attracted to them than they were in actuality, with the female friends tending to be clueless on the matter. Of course, I have seen these roles reversed as well, with females being attracted to a male friend and believing that he's more interested in her than he is in reality. The thing is, before puberty, sex isn't even an issue yet. Later in life, if two people are seriously involved with others, sex is seen as off the table, so it's pushed out of mind, if it was ever there in the first place. If one or especially both of the individuals are single, however, the more time these two friends spend with one another and talk to each other, the more likely it is that one will develop stronger feelings for the other, and that makes it increasingly difficult to maintain a long-term platonic relationship (until one or both involve themselves in a serious romantic relationship). While it is possible that both of these friends could develop stronger feelings for each other and the friendship could blossom into a happy, successful, long-term relationship, it's unlikely.
I think the main issue with single men and women enjoying purely platonic relationships with one another is that it's difficult for us to be on the same wavelength, which often leads to misunderstandings. A man may have a crush on a female friend, but doesn't want to potentially damage the friendship by attempting to expand on it. The female friend may only see him as a friend, yet since he has feelings for her, if she playfully flirts with him or compliments him, he'll likely start believing she has feelings for him as well, when all she's trying to do is be kind, silly, and a friend, likely oblivious to the feelings he has for her. The man could potentially have a crush on the woman at first, but the longer they carry on their friendship, the more he starts to see her as a sister, and when she starts garnering stronger feelings for him, he has to sadly inform her he no longer feels the same way. So it can be incredibly difficult for a single man and woman to think of one another in a 100% platonic manner, all the while opening up to each other and leaving themselves vulnerable in the process, and through that, exhibiting a great deal of trust for one another. It's possible, but as personal experience and observation have shown me, it can be incredibly difficult. So, while I don't think Nora Ephron and Harry Burns are 100% accurate on the matter, I think their contentions do hold some validity.
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