The CNN Debate: "Let's Get Ready to Rumbllllle!"

For as much as I dislike Fox News, I do have to say their moderators handled the first Republican debate better than CNN's moderators handled the second. While the Fox News crew appeared to mix up hard-hitting policy-related questions with drama-baiting questions fairly evenly, the CNN crew appeared much more focused on the latter type of questions. CNN's Jake Tapper, in particular, seemed intent from the start to start at least one brawl based on the questions he asked the eleven candidates. In hindsight, it probably would have bee more appropriate if Tapper started the debate by yelling into the microphone, "Lets get ready to rumbllllllle!" Whether the fight was between Carly Fiorina and Donald Trump, Rand Paul and Chris Christie, or Jeb Bush and Donald Trump, Tapper was on an apparent mission to see some blood, hear a few obscenities, and to always be remembered as the moderator who asked the question which prompted the craziest moment in debate history. Here now is my exaggerated version of CNN's debate, featuring Jake Tapper and the top eleven Republican candidates as of Wednesday night.

Jake Tapper: "Ms. Fiorina, rumor has it Donald Trump said your face looks like a combination of Freddy Krueger, horse crap, and an ugly chick named Sarah he knew back in high school. Your thoughts..."

Carly Fiorina: "Speaking of horse crap, something sure stinks around here..."

Tapper: "...and what would that be? Please be specific for once..."

Fiorina: "I'm looking right at him."

Tapper: "The man in the audience behind me?"

Fiorina: "No, you!"

Tapper: "Very well.. Moving on... Mr. Carson, if one of these candidates called you the n-word to your face, what would you do?"

Ben Carson: :: mumbles something ::

Tapper: "Wait, what?"

Carson: "That's exactly what I wanted to say! Next question..."

Tapper: "Okay, Mr. Bush, if you could fornicate with either Hillary Clinton or Nancy Pelosi, who would it be and why?"

Jeb Bush: "My wife, Columba..."

Tapper: "That wasn't an option..."

Bush: "I just made it an option, buddy!"

Tapper: "Alright, moving on... Mr. Cruz, is there anybody up here you've wanted to punch in the face before?"

Ted Cruz: "Is there anybody up here I haven't wanted to punch before might be the easier question. Ha!"

Tapper: "I was being serious..."

Cruz: "As was I... I mean, no, no, of course not. Stupid question!"

Tapper: "Mr. Kasich, truth or dare?"

John Kasich: "Truth..."

Tapper: "Do or do you not want to walk over to Carly Fiorina right this second and make out with her?"

Kasich: "I'm married to a wonderful woman, so no. No offense, Carly. I don't think your face is nearly as bad as Trump does."

Fiorina: "None taken, dipstick."

Kasich: "Hey, was that really called for?"

Fiorina: "No, not at all, putz."

Tapper: "Ooh, this is getting good... Looks like I didn't need to take Viagra tonight after all. Let's keep this going..."

Kasich: "No, no, I'm done here."

Fiorina: "You were done a long time ago!"

Kasich: "Whatever... Next..."

Tapper: "Damn, I was hoping for more... Okay, Mr. Paul, I had a dream one time where Chris Christie called you 'pubehead' because of your hair style. Your thoughts..."

Rand Paul: "Is this really relevant?"

Tapper: "Who's the moderator here?"

Paul: "You, unfortunately..."

Tapper: "Exactly! So answer the question!"

Paul: "I'd rather smoke a joint. Got any?"

Tapper: "Uh... Okay, next question... Mr. Christie, I took a poll with a sample size of 1 - that person being me - with 100% of the people saying you're fat, I mean, overweight, or whatever. Your thoughts..."

Chris Christie: "I tell you something, Jake; if me and my boys Johnny, Jimmy, Tommy, Joey, and Bruce saw you in the back of an alley right now, you'd have to drink through a straw for a few months! So watch it!"

Tapper: "You mean eat through a straw?"

Christie: "That's what I said! Oh, you're going to get it, Jake; you're going to get it good!"

Tapper: "Jeb, is 'that what she said'?"

Bush: "Shut up, Jake!"

Tapper: "Mr. Walker, actually, I don't have any questions for you. Moving on..."

Scott Walker: "Wait a minute; why not?"

Tapper: "Because no one cares..."

Walker: "Son of a..."

Tapper: "Thank you. Mr. Huckabee; if Jesus comes again and says he's gay, how will you respond?"

Mike Huckabee: "Not gonna happen!"

Tapper: "But what if it does?"

Huckabee: "It's not!"

Tapper: "But what if...?"

Huckabee: :: starts yelling in tongues ::

Tapper: "Wow... Let's go to somebody else... Mr. Rubio, if you had to dry-hump Barack Obama's leg to save the world, would you?"

Marco Rubio: "What kind of a question is that?"

Tapper: "Answer it!"

Rubio: "No"

Tapper: "So you're saying you'd let the world and everyone in it get destroyed just because you'd be unwilling to dry-hump the president's leg?"

Rubio: "No, I'm saying, no, I'm not answering your question."

Tapper: "So you would dry-hump his leg?"

Rubio: "No!"

Tapper: "So you wouldn't?"

Rubio: "Shut up!"

Tapper: "Not just yet... For my final question, I'll direct my attention to Mr. Trump. Mr. Trump, if you could think of an insult for each of the other candidates up here, what would that be?"

Donald Trump: "Hey, no problem. Fiorina? Loser. Carson? Boring. Bush? Extreme loser with a loser brother! Cruz? Canadian loser! Kasich? Who the hell is that guy? Paul? Pubehead! Christie? Sumo wrestler in a former life! Walker? 3%! Huckabee? Probably gay! Rubio? One of them illegal Mexicans!"

Tapper: "Thanks, Donald. Well, on that note, I must be signing off. Thanks for joining me here on CNN for the second Republican debate. I hope we were able to entertain you this evening, that you learned a lot, and that I can get to my car safely before Governor Christie's mob gets to me. Goodnight."