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Introducing the new Republican talking Barbie doll

In recent years, the Republican Party has been heavily criticized for waging a war against women, often times even being labeled as sexist for their views. Many in the party have spoken out against: equal pay for women, their reproductive rights, and contraception coverage in their employer-based healthcare plans, among other things. Having not won the women's vote since 1988 and with the 2016 election looming, the GOP recently unveiled a surprise to help them better appeal to potential women voters - the Republican talking Barbie doll.

The doll has: long blonde hair, blue eyes, teeth so white they appear to have never come into contact with food or drinks, an impossibly thin waistline, and breasts twice the size of her waist. She's wearing a short skirt which sports the Confederate flag; red, white, and blue heels; all the while holding an AK-47 in her right hand and a Bible in her left hand.

When a string is pulled from between her legs, the Republican talking barbie doll will utter one of these lines: 

- "Are you tired from your exhausting off-day, honey? Want me to make you a sandwich?"

- "Citizens United was the right thing to do! Corporations are people! You know how I know? Guess who my biggest crush is right now? No, not George Clooney. No, not even Ryan Gosling. It's Exxon Mobil! He's so hot!"

- "Go ahead and watch the game while I clean the house...8-months pregnant. Like you said last week, I need some exercise anyway."

- "I love guns, especially the small ones. I love any hard thing I can wrap one of my hands around that will go off quickly!"

- "Ask me anything and I'll say yes, even if it's that weird deal you told me about a while back, which included: Hot Tamales, a rubber band, maracas, and Sarah Palin."

When learning about this new item, the following conservatives made their voices heard about the matter:

- "Wow, is it hot in here or is it just her? If I were the Republican Ken doll, I'd be all over that!" - Mike Huckabee

- "From this day forward, you can't spell patriotism without Barbie." - Rick Perry

- "It's really too bad Carly Fiorina's face doesn't look like that, I mean, her persona." - Donald Trump

The Republican National Committee also released this statement on the matter: "We hope this proves once and for all that the Republican Party isn't out to attack women; we love and respect every sexy curve of women's bodies. We also hope it proves we're not sexist against women; we appreciate all the hard work they do inside the house with cooking, cleaning, and taking care of the kids - you know, what God made them for in the first place."
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