Friendly Fire

A movie about your life is being made…what should they call it?

The Complex Polak and His Son Pedro

What is the cosmic consciousness telling you today?

It’s telling me to be one with nature, with all those in this universe, with my sign, with this gal, Cinnamon, whom works on the street corner downtown.

Have you ever been to Nebraska’s Testicle Festival?

Been there? The festival is in honor of me.

How do you spell “hippocampus”?

Hippopotamus

How often do you talk to your family? My friend thinks I’m weird because I talk to my dad every day and end the phone call with “I love you.”

Most every day, but I end the conversation by saying, “Word.”

Smooth or crunchy peanut butter?

That’s a tough one. I think I may go with the smooth, as it is a reflection of how I talk to the ladies.

What do you think is your most attractive feature?

My feet, followed by my nose and that big red spot on my…

Who was your first crush?

John Wayne

Have you broken any bones? If so, how?

I broke a baby toe fighting in ‘Nam.

Why are oranges orange?

Because they’re not yellow, green, blue, red or purple. They’re also anti-rhyme.

When did the last Dodo bird take its final breath?

I remember it like it was yesterday. It occurred on December 19^th, 1652.

I just saw someone take a whole bag of baby carrots into the bathroom at a coffeeshop! What do you think he’s going to do with a pound of baby carrots in the bathroom?

Ever seen the movie “Shoot ‘Em Up,” starring Clive Owen and Paul Giamatti? If so, I think you know what this guy is going to do with the carrots. It’s a scary and sad day at the coffeeshop, as there will be some casualties due to a mad man’s psychotic episode with baby carrots.

Where can I find your 297-page bio?

It can be read at the following URL: Whogivesash*taboutthesebooks.com.

Why is it that after a long, hard winter in Omaha, 55 degrees feels downright balmy? It feels like it’s too hot to be wearing a sweater.

I know. It’s 46 and sunny here and I’m thinking about walking my dogs wearing just my speedo, sunglasses, sandals and a sombrero.

How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?

It says in 1 Corinthians 9:22 that “If thou woodchuck shall chuck thy wood, thou would chucketh as much wood as can be seen in a porno film. Praise Baby Jesus. Amen.”

What are you wearing today?

I just worked out, so I’m stylin’ with my white t-shirt and black gym shorts. I may have to add a top hat and a monocle to the ensemble.

I need my chapstick. My lips hurt!

Something of mine hurts as well… I need a… Oh, nevermind.

Have you ever found a bruise somewhere on your body with no recollection as to how you hurt yourself?

Yeah, but I was really drunk the night before, so I didn’t remember much of anything, from the bruise to how I wound up in the bathroom to why my butt was sore.

Favorite dessert?

A woman hot fudge sundae

You got me up on a swing, so when you gonna shake that thang?

I’ll shake it any and everywhere. That’s how I roll. I shake it in bed. I shake it at home. I shake it when working out. I shake it on the road. I shake it at church. I shake it walking the dogs. I shake it on the porch. I shake it on the lawn. I shake it here. I shake it there. I shake it every fu*kin’ where.

What’s the first thing that you usually notice about someone you meet?

It depends upon the person. For one person, I may notice an eye-patch and pirate hat. In others, I may first notice a cape. Yet in others, I may be struck by their infinite wisdom, which I can tell of how much they possess by just looking at them. It’s a gift, as much of one as my break-dancing when inebriated.

Is your hair real or do you have extensions?

Everything about me is real, besides my hair and also my laugh when I’m talking to certain people.

What song best describes your life right now?

“I Get Around” by The Beach Boys

If you could bring one literary character to life and hang out with them, who would you choose?

Glenn Beck. Oh, I’m being told he’s actually a real person. Really? That’s kind of frightening.

If you could’ve been the lover or mistress of any great historical figure, who would you choose?

Cary Grant

Favorite bad word?

I’m a child of Christ. I don’t utter bad fu*king words.

If, for the rest of your life, you could have a single thing delivered to your bed right after you had sex, what would you want it to be?

Sex? What’s that again?

Do you like to bite your partner in bed?

No. I like to bite her everywhere else, though, especially at her workplace.

What’s your favorite quality about yourself?

That’s a tough one. There are so many from which to choose.

Who is the most important person in the world to you?

Jesus, followed by Marilyn Manson and my two dogs

If you could have any car you wanted, what kind of car would you get?

A Pinto

What’s the last good book you read?

I am still living, so I couldn’t say with much certainty what the last good book I’ll read will be.

What’s your craziest drunk story?

The time I got high off alcohol

Last thing you had to drink?

Water. Last thing ever? I’m not sure, but am guessing it may be rubbing alcohol.

Last thing you had to eat?

Dots candy. Last thing in my life? I’m predicting it will be something at McDonald’s.

Have you ever been bitten by a dog?
No, actually. I have been bitten by a cat. She was like a hybrid of a cat and a pit bull - a Pussy Bull.

I have Nyquil but can’t find the dose cup. Do you think it would be wrong if I just took a swig from the bottle?

No, actually. I’ve done that before. It’s a magical experience to say the least. Just make sure you’re in bed when you do that. I did that while I was on the treadmill and it didn’t end pretty.

Why is it that I am unable to stop the compulsion to sing “Don’t Stop Believin’” whenever I hear it?

A recent study revealed that 76% of those aged 27-46 will start singing that very song when heard. That number increases to 94.9% when these same individuals have had at least one alcoholic beverage within the past hour of hearing the song.

Are you better at using your brain or your brawn?

I don’t know. Want to fight?

Have you ever wondered if people see things the same way you do, like, is that green as green to Morgan as it is to me?

Yeah, sometimes, although I have a hunch not many people see things like I do.

One song that always gets you feeling pumped and inspired?

Without question, it’s “Wind Beneath My Wings”. It makes me want to get out there, pump some iron, scream and shout and become very violent.

Favorite British slang?

There are so many: “Bang” (I want to bang you baby, yeah!), “Cock up” (I’m sorry, honey, I made a bad cock up last night.), “On the piss” (Hey guys, want to go to some bars and get on the piss tonight?), etc.

When you have a dental x-ray and they put the little cardboard/foam thing in your mouth, does it make you gag?

Yes! I think sympathy for sadism is a requirement for dentists.

Would you rather watch a movie in the theater or at home?

That depends on how many women I’m with at the time.

What do you think the world will be like in 50 years?

Older

What’s your favorite clothing brand?

Brandless

If you could be the president or leader of your country for one day, what would you do?

Monica Lewinsky

What’s the best way to relax after a long day?

Do what Lester Burnham did at the start of “American Beauty,” for as he so eloquently stated, “This will be the high point of my day.” Indeed, Lester. Indeed.

What’s your biggest pet peeve?

Not having a pet peeve

Who inspires you the most?

George W. Bush. He inspired me to read more, so I don’t sound stupid when giving a speech.

Do you live more in the past or the present?

Neither. I live more in the future.

What was the happiest moment in your life?

Answering this very question of the day on FormSpring.com

When you were little, what did you want to be when you grew up?

Taller

What do you always carry with you at all times?

Magnums

What’s the one song you want played at your wedding and the one song you want played at your funeral?

False answers:

Wedding - Nine Inch Nails' "Closer"

Funeral - Marilyn Manson's "Four-Rusted Horses," where the chorus is, "Everyone will come to my funeral to make sure that I stay dead."

Serious answers:

I'm having trouble with this part. For my wedding, I keep thinking of the R.E.M. song, "It's the End of the World As We Know It (And I Feel Fine)," J. Geils Band's "Love Stinks," George Michael's "I Want Your Sex," Color Me Badd's "I Wanna Sex You Up" and Billy Idol's "White Wedding".

For my funeral, I'm thinking of upbeat songs, like the before-mentioned R.E.M. tune, Journey's "Don't Stop Believin'," Green Day's "Longview" and AC/DC's "Highway to Hell". I'll have to ponder this one a bit further I think.

What’s your favorite game from when you were a kid?

Spin the bottle