Survey Says…

This is seriously going to get personal, you ready?

About as ready as George W. Bush making a speech.

If you were caught cheating, would you fess up?

If I were caught cheating? No, I would deny it and say, as I was cheating, "Honey, it's not what it looks like! I swear! Have I ever lied to you?"

The last time you felt honestly broken?

Back in 'Nam

Are you craving something?

Why yes... Are you going to ask what or is this just a yes/no-type of question?

If you could have one thing right now what would it be?

Donald Trump's hair

Would you rather have ten kids, or none?

Those are my only two options? Okay, I'll say 2.

What do you hear right now?

Voices. One is speaking to me in Spanish with a gravely baritone voice and the other is speaking to me in sign language.

Is your bed against more than one of your walls?

Yes. It's against all four.

 What’s on your mind right now?

Why am I filling out this survey?

Are you there for your friends?

I'm always there in spirit. Physically, that's another matter entirely. I am working on cloning myself though, so that should help.

Last person to see you cry?

John Boehner. Wait, no, I saw him cry.

What do you do when you get nervous?

I make like The Dude, put on my shades and robe, go to the grocery store, drink some milk and write a $0.69 check while listening to George H.W. Bush speak on television.

Be honest, do you like people in general?

I like portions of people in general. I like most people to a certain extent. I... Yeah, sure, I generally like people.

How old do you think you will be when you finally have kids?

72ish

Does anyone completely understand you?

Only Jesus

Do you have a reason to smile right now?

Yes, to make people wonder, "What is that guy thinking about?" or "What drug(s) is he taking?"

Has anyone told you they don’t ever wanna lose you?

If I had a nickel for every time I heard that, I may be able to play a quarter slot, but just to be safe, I'll stick with the penny slots.

Would you be happier if life had a rewind button?

If I could quickly fast-forward after the temporary rewind, then yes. Otherwise, no thanks.

Do you tell your mum or dad everything?

I tell them only what they need to know, which isn't a whole lot.

Does it matter to you if your boyfriend or girlfriend smokes?

If my girlfriend smokes? Yes. If my boyfriend smokes? Eh, not so much.

Are you going to get hurt anytime soon by someone?

I have that boxing match on Friday, so yeah, probably.

This time last year, can you remember who you liked?

What? As in a crush, a rock band, a random person I saw from across the room, a friend-in-the-making? I'll need some more specificity before answering that question.

Do you think more about the past, present, or future?

I think about the future, since it hasn't happened yet and I therefore have no idea why I'm pondering about what has yet to occur.

How many hours of sleep do you get a night?

Approximately 8 hours 3 minutes and 14 seconds with a margin of error of +/- 2 hours 47 minutes 13 seconds.

Are you easy to get along with?

When it's not that time of month, yes.

Do you hate the last girl you had a conversation with?

Hate is a pretty strong word...

 What was the last drink that you put in your mouth?

In my mouth? I'm glad you added that prepositional phrase to the sentence. For a moment there, when being asked what my last drink was, I had to deeply contemplate the question and think back to the recent time when I took a drink with my elbow. But, for the record, H2O.

What size bed do you have?

A bed that can easily fit 3 or 4, not that I'd know or anything.

Do you start the water before you get in the shower or when you get in?

I leave it off and pretend to shower without it.

Do you like the rain?

So long as it's nice enough outside that I can skip, gallop and/or streak in it.

Do you think someone is thinking about you right now?

Right this very second? No. After a person reads this survey? Yes.

Have you ever done something you told yourself you wouldn’t do?

No, I'm a perfect little angel.

Would people refer to you as a goodie goodie, bad news, or neither?

Probably a bad news goodie goodie

Who were you last in the car with, besides family?

Your girlfriend

What’s the last movie you saw in theaters and with who?

"Porky's 3-D" with Paul Reubens

Have you ever kissed someone who had a boyfriend/girlfriend?

Yes, both.

Have you ever been hurt by someone you never thought would hurt you?

Sister Mary. She has a wicked uppercut.

Your parents are out of town. Would you throw a massive party?

Out-of-town? In town? Downtown? A town by the name of Town? Doesn't matter. There will be a massive party.

Do you regret a past relationship?

No, but I regret a future one.

Would you rather spend a Friday night at a concert or a crazy party?

I'd prefer to go to the concert and then party, unless the concert featured Nickelback or Limp Bizket. In that case, I'd just go to the party.

Do you tend to fall for the same type of person over and over?

I don't fall. I'm as graceful as Rush Limbaugh with brand new pink slippers in an ice skating rink.

Have you made a joke about somebody that made them cry?

Yeah, it was a pretty tasteless joke. I apologized profusely and then handed them some Prozac.

Do you care too much about your appearance?

I care as much about my appearance as the Chicago Cubs do about winning a World Series.

Are you a jealous person?

Besides being jealous of Dick Cheney's amiability, Screech Powers' way with women and David Hasselhoff's dancing, no, I'm not a jealous person.

Have you bought any clothing items in the last week?

Just that fuchsia spandex suit

Do you miss anyone?

Yes. Will that answer do or do you want specifics?

Last person who made you cry?

Not sure yet, as I'm not dead. I just hope it's not Mike Tyson, because that would hurt, my ear and other areas.

Does your ex piss you off?

Which one?

What are you doing tomorrow?

Giving a how-to speech to Ron Franklin on how to sweet-talk a woman without being sexist.

Are you the type of person who has a new boyfriend/girlfriend every week?

Yeah. I switch off too. The first and third weeks of every month, I have a new boyfriend and the second and fourth weeks, I have a new girlfriend. That's how I roll.

Is there anyone you want to come see you?

Yes. That would be lovely. You didn't ask who though, so I will refrain from providing you that information.

Have you ever been cheated on?

I believe so, but I didn't see it occur, so I can't be 100% positive, unlike someone whom discovers that they have herpes. Valtrex, anyone?

Ever given your all to someone who walked away?

All is a pretty strong word. I'd say I gave approximately 97.23%, but not the full 100% or 110% as some coaches like to say.

Do you like cotton candy?

It's aiiight.

Who was the last person you had a serious conversation with?

Sacha Baron Cohen

Are you planning to get knocked up or knock someone up by age 17?

Wow... Make me feel old, why don't you? But, yes, I plan on being knocked up 13 years ago.

Do you have siblings?

One that I'm cognizant of, but there may be others as my father has told me time and again.

Have you ever fallen asleep on someone?

Literally on them or while talking to them?

How has the past week been for you?

Moderately decent and for you?

Do you have a friend of the opposite sex you can talk to?

Umm... yes. We are getting mighty personal, aren't we? Talking to a friend of the opposite sex? Don't go there!

What’s on your mind right now?

Will this survey ever end? That and the Muppets.

What were you doing at midnight last night?

Telling a pastor "That's what she said."

What is your current mood?

Fah-bu-lous

Who was the first person you talked to today?

Myself

Will this week be a good one?

After checking my Tarot cards, my horoscope and talking with Latoya Jackson and Cleo, I'd have to conclude that yes, it is going to be a good week for me.

Anything happen to you within the past month that made you really happy?

Nitrous oxide

Who were you with last night?

Just my two four-legged, blue-eyed, white b*tches, Tara and Tasha

Did you talk to someone until you fell asleep last night?

Your mom

Next time you will kiss someone?

March 13th of 2011 at 9:42:19 pm Central Standard Time

Who should start the kiss, the girl or the boy?

They should both feel the electricity and simultaneously converge toward one another until their lips meet.

Do you have any plans for the weekend?

Getting into a political debate at a bar, running with scissors down a highway, coming down with a case of Tourette's in a library and listening to The Weather Channel Soundtrack as I make my move on a date.