I typically don't like to delve into my personal life when I blog. I know a lot of people who do and that's fine, but I usually stray away from such topics. The reasons are the fact I don't think (m)any people would be too interested in the life of a person they don't know and I'd rather people not know all the details of my life. There is "reality" television, though, so perhaps my former portion of the preceding statement is inaccurate. I realize that just about anyone can read these things, but sometimes it's freeing, cathartic to attempt to sort out one's thoughts and feelings regarding an event(s) in his/her life and I think I've reached that point. There's a lot going on in my life right now and for whatever reason, I feel like blogging about it.
I published a couple books just over a week ago. I'm biased, sure, but I think they're pretty solid, the best of the books I've published, so I'm excited. There's a lot of work for me to do, but I'm very dedicated to the project(s), so I'm optimistic good will come of this. In any case, my mind is flooded with thoughts on what to do, where to go from here, what steps to take, who to contact, etc., etc., etc. I've had to save I don't know how many notes just so I don't let one slip my mind.
Just a couple days after I published the books, I started feeling these stomach cramps. That's all I thought they were. I've had stomach cramps on 3-4 occasions in my life prior to this, but something was different this time around. The previous episodes didn't last very long, maybe 5-10 minutes and the pain, while not pleasant of course, wasn't excruciating to the point my eyes watered and I wanted to scream to the high heavens. Last Sunday, the pain steadily grew until I finally had to ask my mom to take me to the hospital. I had this cringe upon my face the whole ride there, my fists were clinched, I was making this grunting noise, doing everything in my power to counter some of the pain I felt. It was, without question, the most pain I've ever physically felt. After answering TOO many questions at the hospital, I was finally sat down, drugged, had some x-rays taken and then underwent an ultrasound. The final verdict? Gallstones. A very large gallstone at that. I'm 30 years old, male, thin, don't eat much fatty food, don't know of there being any kind of family history with regard to this, yet there I was, being told I have gallstones. Fortunately, the pain subsided enough that I was allowed to go home that night, with some pain medication, of course. The pain came back that evening and I thought I was going to have to head back to the hospital, but a couple pills took care of it for the evening and the pain wasn't as intense the following morning. Upon seeing the surgeon later in the week, we decided it be best that I undergo surgery this coming Thursday. He also added that he was concerned I may have an infection, so I was prescribed an anti-biotic to hopefully clear things up by Thursday morning. I've been told by most everyone that it's a fairly simple procedure and I have nothing to worry about. That's all probably true, but considering the fact I've dealt with so many health issues in my 30 years, it's just another road block and I have to shrug my shoulders and wonder if this will be last health-related problem for a while or if another one is going to make its presence before long.
Before all of this, I had been taking care of my mother, whom underwent knee replacement surgery. During this time, I told myself I was going to look into jobs out-of-state and seriously think about moving to either Omaha (where I'm from) or St. Clair Shores, Michigan, where most of my family and many of my friends reside. I've also thought about staying put. With the latest health setback, I've had to delay the process even further. The surgery will just be a minor setback, but there have been so many minor setbacks, the overall setback has been a major one.
Finally, while I'm technically single and have been single for a long time, I've had feelings for someone for a little over a year now. When I was out-of-town over 4th of July weekend visiting family, I saw her all three days I was there and especially that Saturday night, I felt something I hadn't felt in an extremely long time. From the first time we met, I thought we had a mutual attraction and this was no more evident than that Saturday night. Just about everyone at the bar where we were thought she and I were a couple. I haven't felt that click, that connection, sparks with a person for a very long time until that night and due to this, I can't remember a better night than that one, not for an extremely long time anyway.
All the signs were there: The constant touching even when not necessary, excellent eye contact, never being close enough, the curiosity through questioning, large supply of compliments even in front of male friends, laughed at all my jokes even those that were mediocre, suggesting we do a duet at karaoke and jumping when I suggested a particular song, whispering something sweet in my ear upon giving me a big hug and leaving and e-mailing me right when she got home saying I better see her the following night at work... I'd like to believe these are all pretty good signs that there's an interest, there are feelings there.
We have kept in fairly regular touch since meeting over a year ago, but began keeping in more constant contact upon my returning home after the 4th than we ever had before. Again, nothing but positive signs. I may not see her again until after I heal from my surgery and I knew at this time I probably wouldn't get to for 3+ weeks. So, I decided I'd send a small gift her way along with a letter just to let her know I was thinking about her, that I had a great time that weekend and to hopefully keep those memories alive and well for a longer duration. I thought about flowers, but thought it may be too soon for that and was paranoid about doing too much too soon. I decided to go the personalized route, as I enjoy doing, because I think it illustrates a more genuine care and understanding for another person. It shows the person actually listens when the other speaks, that they take an interest in the other's loves, hobbies, passions and shows that they know them perhaps better than previously thought. So, I wrote a letter and made a CD with all of her favorite artists...remember songs we played on the jukebox when together and researching a bit to find out what her other favorite musicians were. This all took a while and I'm a bit of a perfectionist, so with such a diverse array of artists on a CD, I attempted to make it flow as smoothly as possible and I think I accomplished that. I asked if it'd be alright that I send her something at her workplace and she said that'd be fine and was curious and excited about it. Again, I thought these were all good signs, not seeming to be potentially embarrassed or bothered at all upon receiving a gift from a guy at her workplace, where co-workers and customers would see this, ask questions and possibly tease her some. The package was supposed to arrive by this past Wednesday and as of Wednesday morning, she said she hadn't been to work since Sunday, but was working that night, so hopefully she'd get it that evening. That's really the last time I heard from her. A couple days later, I asked if she had received the package. I just wanted to make sure it got there okay. Nothing. A buddy of mine said she was really quiet at work over the weekend. She did send a very short e-mail on Saturday, but said nothing with regard to the gift.
So, as I think I have a right to be, I'm pretty confused and don't know what to think or do. I'm thinking about sending a friendly e-mail tomorrow, kind of implying that she received the gift (and the gift for an older friend of her's I met that same Saturday night, whom I got along well with and whom seemed to love me and think this woman and I were meant to be together) and having a very upbeat, cheerful tone about the whole thing. If that doesn't garner a response, I think I might just give up for the time.
A female friend of mine said that it's pretty obvious she has feelings for me and I for her. This woman has a history of dating jerks and even joked that she may go the other way (same way, I guess) when it comes to orientation because of this. So this friend of mine basically said, "She probably doesn't know how to take the gift. A guy hasn't been so nice and/or thoughtful to her before. It also may have made her realize your feelings for her are stronger than she realized and in turn, that her's are stronger for you than she realized. This may have left her confused. She may not have been expecting this, may not really know what to say or how to respond due to previous relationships and is having a difficult time grasping the entirety of this situation and deciding what it is she wants to do."
I suppose that makes sense and if that were true, it'd make sense that she was quiet at work, with so much on her mind. However, it is still a bit hurtful that she didn't get back to me to at least just tell me she received the package, thank you and that she really likes it. Not even receiving a thank you, I'm not going to lie, kind of stings.
If I don't hear back from her after my attempt tomorrow, as I've done previously, I'm just going to have to take a deep breath, shake it off and move forward. It's just a shame, especially if her feelings for me are as strong as I (and others) believe they are. To think that just two weeks ago, I experience a certain vibe, a certain sensation, a certain contentment, a certain euphoria I had not experienced for so long and rode the high through Wednesday of this past week and I may come crashing down from the clouds in just a week's time. I sincerely hope that doesn't happen, but with each and every passing day, unfortunately, my pessimism grows.
Between the thoughts of her, the thoughts of moving, my health situation, my mother's health, my books and beyond, my mind is an overloaded mess at this current juncture. It reminds me of a poem I wrote, entitled, "Thought Process Overload," which goes as follows:
Please get out of my head,
Disappear for a little while,
Let me relax and not worry,
And get the most out of my night,
Coming at me from all directions,
Altering tempos from fast to slow,
Please let them go on pause for me,
Allow me to let it all go,
Memories of my past appear,
Thoughts about the present as well,
Predictions about my future come and go,
Not being able to go elsewhere or slow down at all,
These thoughts enter my mind,
Every night I go to sleep,
Not knowing what to do with them,
The memory overload driving me absolutely crazy.
I published a couple books just over a week ago. I'm biased, sure, but I think they're pretty solid, the best of the books I've published, so I'm excited. There's a lot of work for me to do, but I'm very dedicated to the project(s), so I'm optimistic good will come of this. In any case, my mind is flooded with thoughts on what to do, where to go from here, what steps to take, who to contact, etc., etc., etc. I've had to save I don't know how many notes just so I don't let one slip my mind.
Just a couple days after I published the books, I started feeling these stomach cramps. That's all I thought they were. I've had stomach cramps on 3-4 occasions in my life prior to this, but something was different this time around. The previous episodes didn't last very long, maybe 5-10 minutes and the pain, while not pleasant of course, wasn't excruciating to the point my eyes watered and I wanted to scream to the high heavens. Last Sunday, the pain steadily grew until I finally had to ask my mom to take me to the hospital. I had this cringe upon my face the whole ride there, my fists were clinched, I was making this grunting noise, doing everything in my power to counter some of the pain I felt. It was, without question, the most pain I've ever physically felt. After answering TOO many questions at the hospital, I was finally sat down, drugged, had some x-rays taken and then underwent an ultrasound. The final verdict? Gallstones. A very large gallstone at that. I'm 30 years old, male, thin, don't eat much fatty food, don't know of there being any kind of family history with regard to this, yet there I was, being told I have gallstones. Fortunately, the pain subsided enough that I was allowed to go home that night, with some pain medication, of course. The pain came back that evening and I thought I was going to have to head back to the hospital, but a couple pills took care of it for the evening and the pain wasn't as intense the following morning. Upon seeing the surgeon later in the week, we decided it be best that I undergo surgery this coming Thursday. He also added that he was concerned I may have an infection, so I was prescribed an anti-biotic to hopefully clear things up by Thursday morning. I've been told by most everyone that it's a fairly simple procedure and I have nothing to worry about. That's all probably true, but considering the fact I've dealt with so many health issues in my 30 years, it's just another road block and I have to shrug my shoulders and wonder if this will be last health-related problem for a while or if another one is going to make its presence before long.
Before all of this, I had been taking care of my mother, whom underwent knee replacement surgery. During this time, I told myself I was going to look into jobs out-of-state and seriously think about moving to either Omaha (where I'm from) or St. Clair Shores, Michigan, where most of my family and many of my friends reside. I've also thought about staying put. With the latest health setback, I've had to delay the process even further. The surgery will just be a minor setback, but there have been so many minor setbacks, the overall setback has been a major one.
Finally, while I'm technically single and have been single for a long time, I've had feelings for someone for a little over a year now. When I was out-of-town over 4th of July weekend visiting family, I saw her all three days I was there and especially that Saturday night, I felt something I hadn't felt in an extremely long time. From the first time we met, I thought we had a mutual attraction and this was no more evident than that Saturday night. Just about everyone at the bar where we were thought she and I were a couple. I haven't felt that click, that connection, sparks with a person for a very long time until that night and due to this, I can't remember a better night than that one, not for an extremely long time anyway.
All the signs were there: The constant touching even when not necessary, excellent eye contact, never being close enough, the curiosity through questioning, large supply of compliments even in front of male friends, laughed at all my jokes even those that were mediocre, suggesting we do a duet at karaoke and jumping when I suggested a particular song, whispering something sweet in my ear upon giving me a big hug and leaving and e-mailing me right when she got home saying I better see her the following night at work... I'd like to believe these are all pretty good signs that there's an interest, there are feelings there.
We have kept in fairly regular touch since meeting over a year ago, but began keeping in more constant contact upon my returning home after the 4th than we ever had before. Again, nothing but positive signs. I may not see her again until after I heal from my surgery and I knew at this time I probably wouldn't get to for 3+ weeks. So, I decided I'd send a small gift her way along with a letter just to let her know I was thinking about her, that I had a great time that weekend and to hopefully keep those memories alive and well for a longer duration. I thought about flowers, but thought it may be too soon for that and was paranoid about doing too much too soon. I decided to go the personalized route, as I enjoy doing, because I think it illustrates a more genuine care and understanding for another person. It shows the person actually listens when the other speaks, that they take an interest in the other's loves, hobbies, passions and shows that they know them perhaps better than previously thought. So, I wrote a letter and made a CD with all of her favorite artists...remember songs we played on the jukebox when together and researching a bit to find out what her other favorite musicians were. This all took a while and I'm a bit of a perfectionist, so with such a diverse array of artists on a CD, I attempted to make it flow as smoothly as possible and I think I accomplished that. I asked if it'd be alright that I send her something at her workplace and she said that'd be fine and was curious and excited about it. Again, I thought these were all good signs, not seeming to be potentially embarrassed or bothered at all upon receiving a gift from a guy at her workplace, where co-workers and customers would see this, ask questions and possibly tease her some. The package was supposed to arrive by this past Wednesday and as of Wednesday morning, she said she hadn't been to work since Sunday, but was working that night, so hopefully she'd get it that evening. That's really the last time I heard from her. A couple days later, I asked if she had received the package. I just wanted to make sure it got there okay. Nothing. A buddy of mine said she was really quiet at work over the weekend. She did send a very short e-mail on Saturday, but said nothing with regard to the gift.
So, as I think I have a right to be, I'm pretty confused and don't know what to think or do. I'm thinking about sending a friendly e-mail tomorrow, kind of implying that she received the gift (and the gift for an older friend of her's I met that same Saturday night, whom I got along well with and whom seemed to love me and think this woman and I were meant to be together) and having a very upbeat, cheerful tone about the whole thing. If that doesn't garner a response, I think I might just give up for the time.
A female friend of mine said that it's pretty obvious she has feelings for me and I for her. This woman has a history of dating jerks and even joked that she may go the other way (same way, I guess) when it comes to orientation because of this. So this friend of mine basically said, "She probably doesn't know how to take the gift. A guy hasn't been so nice and/or thoughtful to her before. It also may have made her realize your feelings for her are stronger than she realized and in turn, that her's are stronger for you than she realized. This may have left her confused. She may not have been expecting this, may not really know what to say or how to respond due to previous relationships and is having a difficult time grasping the entirety of this situation and deciding what it is she wants to do."
I suppose that makes sense and if that were true, it'd make sense that she was quiet at work, with so much on her mind. However, it is still a bit hurtful that she didn't get back to me to at least just tell me she received the package, thank you and that she really likes it. Not even receiving a thank you, I'm not going to lie, kind of stings.
If I don't hear back from her after my attempt tomorrow, as I've done previously, I'm just going to have to take a deep breath, shake it off and move forward. It's just a shame, especially if her feelings for me are as strong as I (and others) believe they are. To think that just two weeks ago, I experience a certain vibe, a certain sensation, a certain contentment, a certain euphoria I had not experienced for so long and rode the high through Wednesday of this past week and I may come crashing down from the clouds in just a week's time. I sincerely hope that doesn't happen, but with each and every passing day, unfortunately, my pessimism grows.
Between the thoughts of her, the thoughts of moving, my health situation, my mother's health, my books and beyond, my mind is an overloaded mess at this current juncture. It reminds me of a poem I wrote, entitled, "Thought Process Overload," which goes as follows:
Please get out of my head,
Disappear for a little while,
Let me relax and not worry,
And get the most out of my night,
Coming at me from all directions,
Altering tempos from fast to slow,
Please let them go on pause for me,
Allow me to let it all go,
Memories of my past appear,
Thoughts about the present as well,
Predictions about my future come and go,
Not being able to go elsewhere or slow down at all,
These thoughts enter my mind,
Every night I go to sleep,
Not knowing what to do with them,
The memory overload driving me absolutely crazy.
I hope you feel better.
ReplyDeleteThanks. Me too. : )
ReplyDelete