My Life Is a Shadow of My Horoscope

That's right. Each and every day, I read my horoscope and that's how I plan my day. I also have a lifetime supply of fortune cookies, where I will follow their advice on a daily basis. In addition to that, I see palm readers, fortune tellers and tarot card readers to tell me what my future will be like and what I need to do on a daily basis to attain what is my fate.

Okay, so none of that is true. I really wish I had come up with the idea of writing horoscopes. How easy would that be? Just give an extremely vague and general form of advice, with no clear direction whatsoever and ask people to read and believe in its wisdom.

It reminds me of comedian George Carlin's old bit about the Hippy-Dippy Weatherman.

He said something along the lines of, "Tonight - dark. Light in the morning, with a chance of precipitation and the temperatures will change off and on for a very long period of time." After that forecast, he could retire.

A horoscope is vague much like that, where it may read, "There may be problems adjusting to your current situation. Do something to take charge. Tonight - go out. Tomorrow - stay in."

Yeah... I really wish these horoscopes would become more specific. I think there would be a much greater opportunity for laughter if they specified on our futures. While, yes, it's true that these horoscopes would not be applicable to as wide an audience as they currently are in their vague format, for the people to whom they did apply, they would seem much more genuine than what they are currently.

For example, how about this horoscope for Aquarius:

"Christina isn't worth the trouble. Dump her tonight and get laid on the rebound with a woman by the name of Jessica at the bar across the street from your house. She'll be wearing a very showy outfit and will be drinking a Bloody Mary at the end of the bar. Tell her you're vulnerable and that you need to get laid. She will smile, immediately pay her tab and go to your place. It will be a wonderful night, but she will get pregnant, the two of you will get married and name your child Jonathan Jacob."

For a Pisces, it could read:

"Yeah, your day is going to royally suck. First, you're going to lose your job at Ace Hardware. Upon hearing the news, your girlfriend, Shawniqua, will dump your sorry *s, only to go out with your brother, Hezekiah, that very night. Yes, the two of them will embrace one another all night long. Meanwhile, you're going to get drunk on O'Douls, continually listen to your and Shawniqua's song, Nine Inch Nails' 'Closer' and watch your movie, 'Kickboxer'. Tomorrow, you will be hung over for the day's duration and Shawniqua will call you, moaning at the top of her lungs and yelling Hezekiah's name. This will set you off and you will wind up in a loony bin. But, don't worry, things go uphill from there. Good luck."

I would take those horoscopes much more seriously, I think. I'd know this specific horoscope may not apply to me, but someone out there, perhaps just one person, will read that and start crying, saying, "How did they know? Oh my God! How did they know?" Exactly. Hmm... Perhaps I will start writing horoscopes, just in my more specific form. I'll have to ask my Magic 8 Ball if it's in my future. Hmm.. Two out of three. Three out of five. Eh, whatever.

Boycotting jukeboxes because of TouchTunes

I love music and enjoy hitting the bar(s) over the weekend, so naturally, when the mood strikes me, I've never been coy about playing some songs on the jukebox. This past Thursday, a friend of mine turned 50, so several friends of her's, including myself, all met up to celebrate the occasion. At around 9:30, a friend of mine and I both chipped in $5 to play some songs on the jukebox. Four hours and 231 skips later, we gave up on hearing the songs we had selected, and went home knowing we had just wasted $5. This wasn't the first time such a thing had happened to me (and many others), and due to that, I'll be boycotting jukeboxes. Why? The scam known as TouchTunes. You see, here's how the plot typically breaks down. A person (or group of people) downloads the TouchTunes app on his/her phone, consumes one too many adult beverages, and due to this, has less care for spending extra money to hear the songs of their choosing right NOW. That's the thing with TouchTun

The difference between "looking" and "checking out"

I may be way off with these numbers, but it's my approximation that at least 75% of individuals whom are involved in a serious relationship feel it's perfectly acceptable to "check out" members of the opposite sex they're not involved with. Meanwhile, approximately 25% either don't feel this is acceptable or aren't sure about the matter. I hadn't thought about this matter for a while, but since I've been dating a woman for about 8 months, the topic has been pondered about some. When reading or hearing others discuss this very issue, I often times hear comments similar to the following: "It's human nature to look." "There's nothing wrong with checking others out. I'm sure he/she does it too!" "It's fine to do it. Just don't tell your boyfriend/girlfriend about it or do it in front of them!" "It's natural to find people attractive." When observing the array of comments, I i

The verdict is in. To no one's surprise, Jonathan Hoenig has been found guilty of being an idiot.

Just recently, when discussing the Michael Brown shooting and whether or not race had anything to do with it, Fox News contributor Jonathan Hoenig said, "You know who talks about race? Racists." One moment while I provide Mr. Hoenig with the well deserved slow-clap. :: slow-claps for two seconds :: So, that was quite the line by Mr. Hoenig, wasn't it? "You know who talks about race? Racists." Well, wasn't he just talking about race? So, by his own words, I guess that makes him a racist. Also, if he wants to be consistent, does this mean that people whom talk about gender are sexists and people whom talk about sexual orientation are homophobes? With that line of thinking, Hoenig would engage in the following back-and-forths: Hoenig: "So, who are you voting for?" A woman: "The Democratic candidate, because he's been adamant about his support for equal rights for women." Hoenig: "You sexist feminist nazi!"

The Kind-Hearted Smart Aleck

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