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How I Love Me Some Soaps…


Many television programs make me laugh out of their sheer stupidity, but nothing makes me laugh harder than soap operas. Whenever I have time during an afternoon, I make sure to watch one of these shows and laugh hysterically in the process.

Words that immediately come to mind when I think of a soap opera are: Overacted, over-dramatized, makeup, lying, cheating and love circle. 

The love or lust circle that takes place in these shows reminds me of middle school. Guy A will date Girl A for a week before breaking up with her and immediately dating Girl B (Girl A’s best friend, of course) for a couple days and then go back to dating Girl A. Girl A went out with Guy B (Guy A’s best friend) for the two days she and Guy A were broken up. Guy B and Girl B then start dating. This cycle continues for the next year or so. I find it even more humorous to watch adults go through a similar cycle. 

A soap opera’s music is very distinctive as well. Along with pornos (so I’ve heard… Thank you, Skinamax), soap operas have the most distinctive music on television. It's an over-dramatic tune playing in the background which screams, "someone's lying, someone's cheating, someone's pregnant, oh crap, someone got busted," every single time. 

I remember on one program when a male went to the hospital to check in on his mother. 

He asked the doctor, “How is she doing?”

The doctor looked him straight in the eyes and told him, “I’m sorry, but the news isn’t good. I’m afraid she’s not going to be around much longer.”

The guy looked the doctor right in the eyes and said, "Yes, but is it serious?"

He had such a serious look on his face when saying that. Then the over-dramatic music started playing and we knew right then that the doctor wasn't playing around.

Why do people watch these things? Is it a self-esteem booster? After watching these programs, does it help some believe that their life isn't so bad, that their husband or wife isn't so bad?

For one reason or another, some people seem to be hooked on their drama. Know anyone like this? No matter what day it may be, if you bump into them or call them, they're going to have drama to tell you about? Some people make their lives out to be soap operas and honestly, who would really want their lives to be like a soap opera? Constant lying?  Constant cheating? Constant stabbing in the back? Ah yes, please, as one of my three wishes, genie, make my life like that of a soap opera! 

I would love to see a contemporary parody of soap operas (although SOAP was excellent). If it were up to me, I think I’d start with a very typical soap opera setting. From the overdramatic music to the love circles and beyond, I’d keep all of that intact. However, I would add an element of honesty that may induce some laughter.

Wife: "Sweetie, it says on the caller ID that my sister called today. Is everything alright? Did you get to talk to her at all?" 

Husband: "Why, yes I did. I took off work early, took that phone call and she just snuck out the back window when you got home. I didn't want you to catch me banging your sister." 

It wouldn't be for everyone, but for those that aren't much into soaps, they might get a few good laughs out of it. 

This brings me to the question, why are these programs called soap operas anyhow? When I think soap, I think cleansing. Are these shows supposed to cleanse us of our hope and thirst for love? If I were single (…and I am…) and watching one of these programs, I would begin to feel that there was absolutely no hope for me to find a significant other, that everyone was out there to use one another and/or get a piece of ass. Ah, that sets such a cheerful and refreshing tone for a viewer, doesn't it? On that note, having written so much about soap operas, I feel a bit dirty and think it’s time I rush upstairs and hop into the shower to cleanse myself.

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