I may not be a die-hard fan of films based off comic books, as I was never big into comics, yet I've still found most of them to be entertaining, especially in the Batman and Superman series'. When I first saw the trailer to the new Batman v Superman film, however, I immediately thought, "You've got to be f***ing kidding me!"
Chances are this film is going to do spectacularly at the box office and that I'm in the minority on this, but I find the premise of Batman v Superman to be so ridiculous, it makes Ant-Man look like Apollo 13. My first question is, "Why?" Why is there a need for two superheroes to battle against one another? Is it to fulfill some sort of childhood fantasy, along the same lines of, "My dad is stronger than your dad!" "Nuh uh!"? Is it simply a steroid-induced pissing contest cast by immature adult males? Are we going to continue this premise with these future films?
- He-Man v Spider-man
- Jesus v Buddha
- MLK v Gandhi
- Rosa Parks v Mother Theresa
- Mandela v Pope Francis
Those ideas are ridiculous, right? Then why isn't Batman v Superman? In my mind, this is how such an idea would come about:
Setting: At a bar by the name of I Bet You My Left Nut My Crap Is Bigger Than Yours
Batman: "Hey yo, Thor, I'd like a three wise men shot."
Superman: "Seriously?"
Batman: "Yeah. You gotta problem with that?"
Superman: "No, not at all. But why just three? Thor, make that a four wise men shot for me."
Batman: "There's no such thing as a four wise men shot, you idiot!"
Superman: "Wanna bet?"
Batman: "I do actually..."
Thor: "One three wise men shot and one three wise men shot with an extra shot of Jack"
Batman: "You see? He didn't call it the four wise men shot."
Superman: "How many wise men you got, buddy?"
Batman: "Three"
Superman: "Well, I've got four, so shut it!"
Batman: "You know, I'm starting to not like your attitude."
Superman: "Oh yeah? Well, I've never liked yours!"
Batman: "You gotta problem with someone who saves as many people as I do?"
Superman: "Hey, you gotta problem with someone who saves more people than you do - that person being me? I think you do!"
Batman: "Let's just enjoy these drinks, okay? To saving lots of people's asses! Cheers!"
Superman: "...and to kicking yours! Cheers indeed!"
Batman: "I bet you my left nut I'm more of a man than you are!"
Superman: "Your left one? What, you only have two? I've got seven!"
Batman: "You might want to get that checked out sometime..."
Superman: "Your special lady friend checked it out, and she loved every single one of them."
Batman: "My special lady friend? Which one?"
Superman: "All of them, as well as that guy on the side I've seen you with downtown a few times, Lance Lotsahead."
Batman: "That's not true! ...and he hates giving head! I mean..."
Superman: "Busted!"
Batman: "Well, what about you? Rumor has it you're, eh, how do I say it? Not very well endowed..."
Superman: "Oh, that's bullsh*t! Just last week, I took the polar plunge, and it was still 10 inches!"
Batman: "Whatever..."
Superman: "It's true. How much heat you packing, shrimp?"
Batman: "11 inches, easy!"
Superman: "After taking the polar plunge? That's not what Lance told me..."
Batman: "That's it! I have had it! Let's go!"
Thor: "Hold it, hold it, hold it... There will be no fighting in my bar. If you want to fight, you'll do it outside. Just go out that door over there, stand in line, and wait your turn. Wolverine and Captain America are next. Wonder Woman is the referee. Oh, and pay your tabs before you go!"
Batman: "Put mine on Spawn's tab."
Superman: "Yeah, mine too."
Thor: "Jesus, I hope Wonder Woman kicks both their asses. Those f***ing cheapskate bastard pieces of sh*t! No offense..."
Chances are this film is going to do spectacularly at the box office and that I'm in the minority on this, but I find the premise of Batman v Superman to be so ridiculous, it makes Ant-Man look like Apollo 13. My first question is, "Why?" Why is there a need for two superheroes to battle against one another? Is it to fulfill some sort of childhood fantasy, along the same lines of, "My dad is stronger than your dad!" "Nuh uh!"? Is it simply a steroid-induced pissing contest cast by immature adult males? Are we going to continue this premise with these future films?
- He-Man v Spider-man
- Jesus v Buddha
- MLK v Gandhi
- Rosa Parks v Mother Theresa
- Mandela v Pope Francis
Those ideas are ridiculous, right? Then why isn't Batman v Superman? In my mind, this is how such an idea would come about:
Setting: At a bar by the name of I Bet You My Left Nut My Crap Is Bigger Than Yours
Batman: "Hey yo, Thor, I'd like a three wise men shot."
Superman: "Seriously?"
Batman: "Yeah. You gotta problem with that?"
Superman: "No, not at all. But why just three? Thor, make that a four wise men shot for me."
Batman: "There's no such thing as a four wise men shot, you idiot!"
Superman: "Wanna bet?"
Batman: "I do actually..."
Thor: "One three wise men shot and one three wise men shot with an extra shot of Jack"
Batman: "You see? He didn't call it the four wise men shot."
Superman: "How many wise men you got, buddy?"
Batman: "Three"
Superman: "Well, I've got four, so shut it!"
Batman: "You know, I'm starting to not like your attitude."
Superman: "Oh yeah? Well, I've never liked yours!"
Batman: "You gotta problem with someone who saves as many people as I do?"
Superman: "Hey, you gotta problem with someone who saves more people than you do - that person being me? I think you do!"
Batman: "Let's just enjoy these drinks, okay? To saving lots of people's asses! Cheers!"
Superman: "...and to kicking yours! Cheers indeed!"
Batman: "I bet you my left nut I'm more of a man than you are!"
Superman: "Your left one? What, you only have two? I've got seven!"
Batman: "You might want to get that checked out sometime..."
Superman: "Your special lady friend checked it out, and she loved every single one of them."
Batman: "My special lady friend? Which one?"
Superman: "All of them, as well as that guy on the side I've seen you with downtown a few times, Lance Lotsahead."
Batman: "That's not true! ...and he hates giving head! I mean..."
Superman: "Busted!"
Batman: "Well, what about you? Rumor has it you're, eh, how do I say it? Not very well endowed..."
Superman: "Oh, that's bullsh*t! Just last week, I took the polar plunge, and it was still 10 inches!"
Batman: "Whatever..."
Superman: "It's true. How much heat you packing, shrimp?"
Batman: "11 inches, easy!"
Superman: "After taking the polar plunge? That's not what Lance told me..."
Batman: "That's it! I have had it! Let's go!"
Thor: "Hold it, hold it, hold it... There will be no fighting in my bar. If you want to fight, you'll do it outside. Just go out that door over there, stand in line, and wait your turn. Wolverine and Captain America are next. Wonder Woman is the referee. Oh, and pay your tabs before you go!"
Batman: "Put mine on Spawn's tab."
Superman: "Yeah, mine too."
Thor: "Jesus, I hope Wonder Woman kicks both their asses. Those f***ing cheapskate bastard pieces of sh*t! No offense..."
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