"My friend asked me a long, long time ago to give his eulogy when he passed, so that's why I'm here today. I loved my friend. We all did; I mean, that's why we're here, right? Yeah, so my friend, uh, whatever his name was, let me tell you why this guy wanted me to speak to all of you about him today. The fact of the matter is, I'm the world's best speaker. If you want a great eulogy, I'll give the best one - guaranteed! That's just how it is, folks. I know the best words; I don't hold back from saying these words; and I tie them together almost like that poet Alan Alda Poe, where it becomes like a thing of beauty. My eulogy may not be as beautiful as my daughter Ivanka, but like her, if I weren't the eulogy's father, I'd want to bang it too. I saw everyone's reaction right there. You all got goosebumps right then, didn't you? You see? I always seem to affect people with what I say. I remember one time I was talking to some kindergarteners about Trump Vodka and you should have seen the looks on these kids' faces. One little boy said, 'I'm telling my mom on you!' A little girl screamed. The teacher threw an apple at my head. We were all having such a good time, such a good time. Speaking of Trump Vodka, have any of you ever tried that stuff? Two words - one of a kind! Fantastic! Frickin' incredible! Hey, you know what else is incredible? How much money I have. Anyway, back to my friend... He liked me, I mean, a lot. You should have heard him at parties. He just wouldn't stop talking about me. Donald this, Trump that, awesome, most smartest person ever, blah blah blah. There were times I'd feel the need to cut him off just to get a word in about myself, if you can believe that. I've gotta tell you, I'm gonna miss hearing the guy talk about me. I'm gonna miss seeing him wear that shirt I designed for him for his birthday; you know the one - the one with my picture on it and the words 'He's better than all you!'? So, like, yeah. The end. Didn't I tell you I give the best eulogies? God, I'm good!"
I love music and enjoy hitting the bar(s) over the weekend, so naturally, when the mood strikes me, I've never been coy about playing some songs on the jukebox. This past Thursday, a friend of mine turned 50, so several friends of her's, including myself, all met up to celebrate the occasion. At around 9:30, a friend of mine and I both chipped in $5 to play some songs on the jukebox. Four hours and 231 skips later, we gave up on hearing the songs we had selected, and went home knowing we had just wasted $5. This wasn't the first time such a thing had happened to me (and many others), and due to that, I'll be boycotting jukeboxes. Why? The scam known as TouchTunes. You see, here's how the plot typically breaks down. A person (or group of people) downloads the TouchTunes app on his/her phone, consumes one too many adult beverages, and due to this, has less care for spending extra money to hear the songs of their choosing right NOW. That's the thing with TouchTun...
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