Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell speaks out against "moocher 'Muricans" while on permanent vacation
Sipping on his fourth mojito and having his feet rubbed by Sean Hannity, Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell took a short break from his busy morning in Cancun to speak with reporters. Given his inebriated status, the Kentucky senator was only able to take one question.
Jorge Ramos: "What do you say to the taxpayers who claim you and your Congressional brethren aren't truly earning your $174,000 salaries? That you do so little for so much, are taking advantage of hard-working Americans, are moochers in a sense, and would be fired if you put so little effort into any other job?"
McConnell: "F**k you! That's what I say! Just kidding... Hey, Jose, or whatever your name is, can you get me another one of these? Make it strong this time! Where was I? Could you repeat the question, Jose?"
Ramos: "That's Jorge..."
McConnell: "That's what I said, Jose."
Ramos: "Jorge... Nevermind... The question was, 'What do you say to the taxpayers who claim you and your Congressional brethren aren't truly earning your $174,000 salaries? That you do so little for so much, are taking advantage of hard-working Americans, are moochers in a sense, and would be fired if you put so little effort into any other job?''
McConnell: "Oh yeah. Thanks, Jose."
Ramos: "Jorge"
McConnell: "I was talking to my server."
Server: "The name's Ricardo."
McConnell: "Close enough. Thanks, amigo. Okay, so back to you, Jose. I think you're shifting focus away from the real issue - welfare recipients, the real moochers! Sure, most of them might already have a job, but just find a better one and work harder, you know? ...and let's be real here; their lives can't be too bad if they're able to spend their food stamps on Trump Steaks or whatever! As I've always said starting right now, 'Once you eat a Trump Steak, you've got it made.' I mean, look at me. This is the greatest job in the world and I'm working harder today than I ever have in Congress! Hey Sean, I need more lotion! 'Rub the lotion on my skin or you'll get the hose again, buddy!' Anyway, back to what I was saying. What was I even saying? This fifth mosquito is really getting to me. Nice going, Jorge! But look Jose, I'll close with this... Lots of welfare recipients might be working hard for next to nothing while I'm making a good living for doing what you see right now. It'd be like if Michael Jordan made less than his teammate benchwarmers back in the day, and that makes a lot of sense when you don't think about it, because America..." :: passes out ::
After awaking several hours later, Senator McConnell began pounding down margaritas while collecting donations from hardworking Americans for the coming election. While doing so, he grabbed the mic from an elderly man proposing to his longtime girlfriend and announced that his new campaign slogan would be, "Work Hard For Me, I'll Bulls*it Harder," before dropping the mic and passing out face first into a bowl of turtle soup.
Jorge Ramos: "What do you say to the taxpayers who claim you and your Congressional brethren aren't truly earning your $174,000 salaries? That you do so little for so much, are taking advantage of hard-working Americans, are moochers in a sense, and would be fired if you put so little effort into any other job?"
McConnell: "F**k you! That's what I say! Just kidding... Hey, Jose, or whatever your name is, can you get me another one of these? Make it strong this time! Where was I? Could you repeat the question, Jose?"
Ramos: "That's Jorge..."
McConnell: "That's what I said, Jose."
Ramos: "Jorge... Nevermind... The question was, 'What do you say to the taxpayers who claim you and your Congressional brethren aren't truly earning your $174,000 salaries? That you do so little for so much, are taking advantage of hard-working Americans, are moochers in a sense, and would be fired if you put so little effort into any other job?''
McConnell: "Oh yeah. Thanks, Jose."
Ramos: "Jorge"
McConnell: "I was talking to my server."
Server: "The name's Ricardo."
McConnell: "Close enough. Thanks, amigo. Okay, so back to you, Jose. I think you're shifting focus away from the real issue - welfare recipients, the real moochers! Sure, most of them might already have a job, but just find a better one and work harder, you know? ...and let's be real here; their lives can't be too bad if they're able to spend their food stamps on Trump Steaks or whatever! As I've always said starting right now, 'Once you eat a Trump Steak, you've got it made.' I mean, look at me. This is the greatest job in the world and I'm working harder today than I ever have in Congress! Hey Sean, I need more lotion! 'Rub the lotion on my skin or you'll get the hose again, buddy!' Anyway, back to what I was saying. What was I even saying? This fifth mosquito is really getting to me. Nice going, Jorge! But look Jose, I'll close with this... Lots of welfare recipients might be working hard for next to nothing while I'm making a good living for doing what you see right now. It'd be like if Michael Jordan made less than his teammate benchwarmers back in the day, and that makes a lot of sense when you don't think about it, because America..." :: passes out ::
After awaking several hours later, Senator McConnell began pounding down margaritas while collecting donations from hardworking Americans for the coming election. While doing so, he grabbed the mic from an elderly man proposing to his longtime girlfriend and announced that his new campaign slogan would be, "Work Hard For Me, I'll Bulls*it Harder," before dropping the mic and passing out face first into a bowl of turtle soup.
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