After arguably the most grueling primary season in American history, conservative Christian Republican voters have decided to go with Satan as their party's nominee for November's presidential election. According to most polls, the turning point in Satan's campaign was when he gave the following speech on national television to a group of Hickman, Nebraska elementary school students:
"Don't believe a word your parents, teachers, police officers, politicians, and other authority figures ever told you. 'Heal the world?' No, screw the world! 'Do unto others as you'd have them do unto you?' Do for yourself and forget all others! 'Thou shalt not steal?' Stealing is what made this country! 'Love trumps hate?' Trust no one; hate everyone! Do everything in your power to humiliate and punish the weak! When they're down, kick them even harder! So destroy what's left of your conscience! Be the ultimate master of the universe! Rule all! Let's make America great again only for ourselves! Who's with me?!? Ahhhhhhhhhhh!"
When I caught up with some Republican voters to ask them about the speech, here's what they had to say:
Ronald Frumpf: "He just tells it like it is."
Mike Pocrisy: "I don't always agree with what the guy says or how he says it, but I mean, I think political correctness is what's ultimately destroying this country, so he's kind of refreshing in a way."
Barbie Plastics: "He's not a normal politician. I like that. He's what we need to shake up Washington!"
Reagan Bush: "I don't care how he does it, even if it's illegal; the guy just knows how to get things done! Period!"
Charles N. Denile: "I don't know what's going on with the pitchfork, horns, and tail, but pushing that all to the side for a moment, the man is like a godsend to the Republican Party, to this country, to the entire world!"
After receiving the nomination, Satan posted the following tweet: "I said from the very start I'd build a big beautiful wall in people's minds to prevent rational thought, and, well, mission accomplished!"
"Don't believe a word your parents, teachers, police officers, politicians, and other authority figures ever told you. 'Heal the world?' No, screw the world! 'Do unto others as you'd have them do unto you?' Do for yourself and forget all others! 'Thou shalt not steal?' Stealing is what made this country! 'Love trumps hate?' Trust no one; hate everyone! Do everything in your power to humiliate and punish the weak! When they're down, kick them even harder! So destroy what's left of your conscience! Be the ultimate master of the universe! Rule all! Let's make America great again only for ourselves! Who's with me?!? Ahhhhhhhhhhh!"
When I caught up with some Republican voters to ask them about the speech, here's what they had to say:
Ronald Frumpf: "He just tells it like it is."
Mike Pocrisy: "I don't always agree with what the guy says or how he says it, but I mean, I think political correctness is what's ultimately destroying this country, so he's kind of refreshing in a way."
Barbie Plastics: "He's not a normal politician. I like that. He's what we need to shake up Washington!"
Reagan Bush: "I don't care how he does it, even if it's illegal; the guy just knows how to get things done! Period!"
Charles N. Denile: "I don't know what's going on with the pitchfork, horns, and tail, but pushing that all to the side for a moment, the man is like a godsend to the Republican Party, to this country, to the entire world!"
After receiving the nomination, Satan posted the following tweet: "I said from the very start I'd build a big beautiful wall in people's minds to prevent rational thought, and, well, mission accomplished!"
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