For as crazy as this primary season has been in the Republican Party, I thought I'd have a little fun with it. Here now is a list of all 17 GOP candidates who ran for the party's nomination at some point or another in the past few months and how I envision them writing personal ads.
Jeb Bush: "If there's one word I'd use to describe myself, which no one else would agree with, it'd be 'full of energy.' I mean, my name might be Jeb, but I prefer to go by Jeb!, if that tells you anything. What else? What else? You see? I'm so full of energy, I can't think of anything else to tell you about myself or what I enjoy doing for fun. I suppose I like long walks on the beach, but, only when I feel up for it, which is never. Well, if this never-been-experienced-before level of energy interests you and you wanna hear a guy say 'That's what she said' after enthusiastically screaming my first name, give me a call. I guarantee you this Bush is better than the last one!"
Ben Carson: "I'm so tempted to close my eyes while typing this right now. I find myself at my very best when my eyes are closed, which is almost always. I tend to close my eyes when: Sleeping, praying, kissing, talking, driving, walking, performing brain surgery. They say eye contact is important, but I think it's important to focus on the inside of your own eyelids when engaging in a deep conversation. Speaking of which, I just dozed off there. Well, anyway, if you like long naps on the beach and feeling like you're on 24-hour Ambien, get in touch with me. I think we could have a lot of... :: starts snoring ::"
Chris Christie: "Hey, you gotta problem? You wanna piece of this? You wanna go? Out to lunch sometime, that is? I know this great romantic joint I go to all the time - Old Country Buffet. I think you'd really like it. Yeah, my exes like to call me a hopeless romantic because, in their words, 'When it comes to romance, you're hopeless,' but trust me, I know how to treat a lady. After hitting up the Old Country Buffet, I'll take you to an upscale show at Chuck E. Cheese, we'll check out some traffic jams on bridges, to which I'll look deep into your eyes and say, 'I built that!' and we'll end the night kicking back at my my favorite dive, 'Suck It Up and Stick It In.' I like long walks on the beach too, but let's not rush things, aiiight? So, yeah, call me, or else..."
Ted Cruz: "I wouldn't do it in a tree. Nor in a car. Just leave me fricking be, okay? I won't do it in a box. I won't ever ever do it with a fox. I won't even do it in a house. I definitely won't do it with a mouse. I don't want to do it here nor there. I don't want to do it anywhere. I do not like cunnilingus and Wham! I do not like it, Rafael Edward Cruz, I am. Oh, but I do like long walks on the beach, so long as it's not a gateway to other things... Be sure to contact me to hear more of my one-of-a-kind poems and more! Yes, I'm a poet and I'm 'aware of it through observation, inquiry, and/or information.'"
Carly Fiorina: "First, click on this link. It's a video I've created, unedited, which I think can more truthfully show you who I am. I'll wait for a moment while you do that... Are you back yet? Yes, that was really me. Many people tell me I bear a striking resemblance to Beyoncé, my voice sounds like Whitney Houston, and that I have the moves of Michael Jackson. If anyone tells telling you otherwise, you just tell them their facts, the actual facts, are wrong! Well, I best keep this short and go moonwalking on the beach. I love doing that! Contact me if you're interested. I know you are..."
Jim Gilmore: "Don't think you know me? Trust me, you're not the only one. There are even days when I don't think I know myself anymore. All I know is I like long walks on the beach, want to finally be accompanied by someone on these very walks, and desperately want one person to just know who I am. Please call... I'm begging you! Help me help you get to know me, so I can get to know me and get others to know me too. Send me a telegraph if you're interested. Thanks..."
Lindsey Graham: "Oh Lord, dear me... I don't know what to say. This is a first for me... ...when it comes to dating women I mean. I'm not gay. I just have this strange fetish with penises. It's some weird lifetime phase I'm going through, you know? If you'd like to help me get through this never-ending phase, contact me and let's go out. I know this great karaoke bar which has Cyndi Lauper Saturdays. We can do that after we take a long beach on a walk, I mean, a long walk on a beach. Oh my, I'm nervous..."
Mike Huckabee: "You know we belong with one another, don't you? The good Lord has been trying to bring us together. Don't fight it. Don't fight the Lord! There's a reason why your first three marriages didn't last and why your fourth one isn't supposed to work out either. It's because God wants you and I to be one. Kim Davis, with my hand in yours, take a long walk with me on the beach, and we can yell hateful things at gays as people walk by, because you know, that's what the all-loving Jesus would want. Amen. Oh yeah, call me. You have my number..."
Bobby Jindal: "I've gotta be honest here; I need help. I was once rising high, with a bright future ahead of me, but went limp very quickly, and am having trouble getting it up again. I've tried Viagra, Cialis, even something I got on my AOL account called '50 Shades of Girth,' but nothing seems to work. I think the real problem is what I'm feeling inside. Please help me with my insides by feeling what it's like to be inside you. ...emotionally... Uplift my spirits and everything else about me by joining me on a long walk on the beach, watching a sunset, star-gazing, or filling out a crossword puzzle. Email me at my AOL address and let's help lift one another up in more ways than we can, I don't know, in lots of ways."
John Kasich: "I'm just going to put it out there - most guys who do what I do are bigger assholes than me, but while I'm known by many as a nice guy, it's all for show. If I tell you I like your hair, I'm probably envisioning someone else's and thinking about how to chop yours off while you're asleep. Actually, that reminds me of a story I've told probably 100 million times, and I'm not exaggerating here... I got set up on a blind date in college one time. I was all nice, trying to at least make a good enough impression on her, so she wouldn't talk bad about me to her friends, especially the really hot one I was into, Chastity McSugartits. So, anyway, I told her how nice she looked and especially complimented her hair, which I honestly couldn't stand. So when we went back to my dorm, where no one else was present, I roofied her, and gave her a buzz-cut when she was passed out. She freaked out at first when she awoke, but fortunately for me, she decided not to press charges because it was a week before Halloween and she wanted to go as Sinéad O'Connor. So, yeah, if you like long walks on the beach with a guy who's phonier than Monopoly money, give me a shout out. You won't regret it! ...at first anyway..."
George Pataki: "If you like Italian food and long walks on the beach, call me. Yeah, that's all I got. Seriously, though, wouldn't it be awesome to get a call from one of your girlfriends and tell her, "I'm taking a long walk on the beach with Pataki in hand"? Or to go to an Italian restaurant and ask for a side of Pataki? It never gets old! Seriously... I know Pataki Laffy Taffy and knock-knock jokes too if you're interested..."
Rand Paul: "I've received a lot of flak in the past for allegedly plagiarizing others. That's simply not true, so please don't forget that when reading this, okay? 'Just a small town girl, livin' in a lonely world.' 'I'm a model, you know what I mean.' 'I like big butts and I cannot lie.' 'All I wanna do is zomm-a-zoom-zoom-zoom and a poom-poom.' 'Billie Jean is not my lover.' 'Scaramouche, Scaramouche, will you do the Fandango?' 'Because you know I'm all about that bass.' 'You are the wind beneath my wings.' So, come on, believe all these words I genuinely speak and go on to trust a self-certified optometrist give you all the tips on how to rid yourself of those bloodshot eyes after we smoke a little grass and take a long walk on the beach. Be sure to contact me if you're interested. I can 'see' that you are. Ha-ha. Get it? I'll be here all weekend, folks..."
Rick Perry: "I'm going to keep this short and sweet. I can think of three reasons why you should go on a date with me: 1) I'm not yet a felon, 2) Since I started wearing glasses my IQ has shot up from 46 to 68, and 3) I... I... Hmm, I can't seem to remember. Oops... Well, anyway, if you'd like to help me recall what that third reason is while we're walking along the beach and repeatedly counting to two, send me one of those online mail messages things or whatever they're called."
Marco Rubio: "Let me tell you a bit about myself. First of all, I'm fun, attractive, repetitive, and smart. I also like long walks on the beach. What else? I'm fun, attractive, repetitive, and smart. I'm fun attractive, repetitive, and smart. Did I mention I was fun, attractive, repetitive, and smart? I don't think I did. Well, in case I didn't, let me just say I'm fun, attractive, repetitive, and smart. Call me if you'd like. Call me. Call me if you want. Call me. Ca... :: system breaks down ::"
Rick Santorum: "Before we start anything serious, let me just say I don't believe in sex. While I have kids of my own, I believe they got there the old-fashioned way, like the Virgin Mary did it. So if you have a problem with that, I don't think this relationship is going to work. But, if you're into long prayers on the beach, watching Hallmark Christmas movies in August that I had taped previously, singing Christmas carols outside a Marilyn Manson concert on Valentine's Day, and other such things, simply talk to the Lord your savior, and he'll answer your prayers by bringing us together. Oh, and when we do meet, you can call me the Virgin Santy."
Donald Trump: "I don't mean to brag, ladies, but I'm the greatest. I'm the best. Not only that, but I'm humble about my genius. It's like I always say, 'You can't spell 'awesome' or 'modest' without 'Trump.' True statement. Very very true statement right there. When women shake my hand, I see this incredible look on their faces, as I know what they're thinking. They're thinking, 'This man's hands are so huge, beautiful, and precious; I bet he has other such features on his body.' ...and hey, I can't deny it. Even though they've never actually said that to my face, I can't deny it. But, let me tell you something... I love women. I absolutely love, adore, cherish, and fantasize about all kinds of women, even my own daughter. If hot women were like golf, I'd want to continually get it in the hole. I mean, seriously, who wouldn't?!? But, honestly, ladies, I'm rich, fantastic in every way, modest like you've never seen, the smartest man you'll ever meet, and I think we should give this a chance. Call my secretary on my private jet, but only if you meet these requirements: 1) You're hot, I mean, super hot, supermodel hot, like fricking hot hot, 2) You like flying over the beach in helicopters, and 3) You have smaller hands than me (this means you probably have to be under 5'2'')."
Scott Walker: "I don't know why this is, but nobody seems to likes me. Even when I've run for office, my family has enthusiastically voted against me. So, in other words, I can't be too picky here. So long as you're alive, legal, and don't have a penis, I think we could make this work. So yeah, whether you're 7'2'' and 450 lbs., 4'2'' and 91 lbs., white, black, bright orange, 23, 114, speak English, or only in Klingon, I think I'd enjoy a nice long walk on the beach with you, or watch a Murder She Wrote marathon, or participate in one of those Nintendo video game tournament thingies, or whatever. So, like, call me. You'll have me at 'hello,' I guarantee it, and for once, I'm telling the truth!"
Jeb Bush: "If there's one word I'd use to describe myself, which no one else would agree with, it'd be 'full of energy.' I mean, my name might be Jeb, but I prefer to go by Jeb!, if that tells you anything. What else? What else? You see? I'm so full of energy, I can't think of anything else to tell you about myself or what I enjoy doing for fun. I suppose I like long walks on the beach, but, only when I feel up for it, which is never. Well, if this never-been-experienced-before level of energy interests you and you wanna hear a guy say 'That's what she said' after enthusiastically screaming my first name, give me a call. I guarantee you this Bush is better than the last one!"
Ben Carson: "I'm so tempted to close my eyes while typing this right now. I find myself at my very best when my eyes are closed, which is almost always. I tend to close my eyes when: Sleeping, praying, kissing, talking, driving, walking, performing brain surgery. They say eye contact is important, but I think it's important to focus on the inside of your own eyelids when engaging in a deep conversation. Speaking of which, I just dozed off there. Well, anyway, if you like long naps on the beach and feeling like you're on 24-hour Ambien, get in touch with me. I think we could have a lot of... :: starts snoring ::"
Chris Christie: "Hey, you gotta problem? You wanna piece of this? You wanna go? Out to lunch sometime, that is? I know this great romantic joint I go to all the time - Old Country Buffet. I think you'd really like it. Yeah, my exes like to call me a hopeless romantic because, in their words, 'When it comes to romance, you're hopeless,' but trust me, I know how to treat a lady. After hitting up the Old Country Buffet, I'll take you to an upscale show at Chuck E. Cheese, we'll check out some traffic jams on bridges, to which I'll look deep into your eyes and say, 'I built that!' and we'll end the night kicking back at my my favorite dive, 'Suck It Up and Stick It In.' I like long walks on the beach too, but let's not rush things, aiiight? So, yeah, call me, or else..."
Ted Cruz: "I wouldn't do it in a tree. Nor in a car. Just leave me fricking be, okay? I won't do it in a box. I won't ever ever do it with a fox. I won't even do it in a house. I definitely won't do it with a mouse. I don't want to do it here nor there. I don't want to do it anywhere. I do not like cunnilingus and Wham! I do not like it, Rafael Edward Cruz, I am. Oh, but I do like long walks on the beach, so long as it's not a gateway to other things... Be sure to contact me to hear more of my one-of-a-kind poems and more! Yes, I'm a poet and I'm 'aware of it through observation, inquiry, and/or information.'"
Carly Fiorina: "First, click on this link. It's a video I've created, unedited, which I think can more truthfully show you who I am. I'll wait for a moment while you do that... Are you back yet? Yes, that was really me. Many people tell me I bear a striking resemblance to Beyoncé, my voice sounds like Whitney Houston, and that I have the moves of Michael Jackson. If anyone tells telling you otherwise, you just tell them their facts, the actual facts, are wrong! Well, I best keep this short and go moonwalking on the beach. I love doing that! Contact me if you're interested. I know you are..."
Jim Gilmore: "Don't think you know me? Trust me, you're not the only one. There are even days when I don't think I know myself anymore. All I know is I like long walks on the beach, want to finally be accompanied by someone on these very walks, and desperately want one person to just know who I am. Please call... I'm begging you! Help me help you get to know me, so I can get to know me and get others to know me too. Send me a telegraph if you're interested. Thanks..."
Lindsey Graham: "Oh Lord, dear me... I don't know what to say. This is a first for me... ...when it comes to dating women I mean. I'm not gay. I just have this strange fetish with penises. It's some weird lifetime phase I'm going through, you know? If you'd like to help me get through this never-ending phase, contact me and let's go out. I know this great karaoke bar which has Cyndi Lauper Saturdays. We can do that after we take a long beach on a walk, I mean, a long walk on a beach. Oh my, I'm nervous..."
Mike Huckabee: "You know we belong with one another, don't you? The good Lord has been trying to bring us together. Don't fight it. Don't fight the Lord! There's a reason why your first three marriages didn't last and why your fourth one isn't supposed to work out either. It's because God wants you and I to be one. Kim Davis, with my hand in yours, take a long walk with me on the beach, and we can yell hateful things at gays as people walk by, because you know, that's what the all-loving Jesus would want. Amen. Oh yeah, call me. You have my number..."
Bobby Jindal: "I've gotta be honest here; I need help. I was once rising high, with a bright future ahead of me, but went limp very quickly, and am having trouble getting it up again. I've tried Viagra, Cialis, even something I got on my AOL account called '50 Shades of Girth,' but nothing seems to work. I think the real problem is what I'm feeling inside. Please help me with my insides by feeling what it's like to be inside you. ...emotionally... Uplift my spirits and everything else about me by joining me on a long walk on the beach, watching a sunset, star-gazing, or filling out a crossword puzzle. Email me at my AOL address and let's help lift one another up in more ways than we can, I don't know, in lots of ways."
John Kasich: "I'm just going to put it out there - most guys who do what I do are bigger assholes than me, but while I'm known by many as a nice guy, it's all for show. If I tell you I like your hair, I'm probably envisioning someone else's and thinking about how to chop yours off while you're asleep. Actually, that reminds me of a story I've told probably 100 million times, and I'm not exaggerating here... I got set up on a blind date in college one time. I was all nice, trying to at least make a good enough impression on her, so she wouldn't talk bad about me to her friends, especially the really hot one I was into, Chastity McSugartits. So, anyway, I told her how nice she looked and especially complimented her hair, which I honestly couldn't stand. So when we went back to my dorm, where no one else was present, I roofied her, and gave her a buzz-cut when she was passed out. She freaked out at first when she awoke, but fortunately for me, she decided not to press charges because it was a week before Halloween and she wanted to go as Sinéad O'Connor. So, yeah, if you like long walks on the beach with a guy who's phonier than Monopoly money, give me a shout out. You won't regret it! ...at first anyway..."
George Pataki: "If you like Italian food and long walks on the beach, call me. Yeah, that's all I got. Seriously, though, wouldn't it be awesome to get a call from one of your girlfriends and tell her, "I'm taking a long walk on the beach with Pataki in hand"? Or to go to an Italian restaurant and ask for a side of Pataki? It never gets old! Seriously... I know Pataki Laffy Taffy and knock-knock jokes too if you're interested..."
Rand Paul: "I've received a lot of flak in the past for allegedly plagiarizing others. That's simply not true, so please don't forget that when reading this, okay? 'Just a small town girl, livin' in a lonely world.' 'I'm a model, you know what I mean.' 'I like big butts and I cannot lie.' 'All I wanna do is zomm-a-zoom-zoom-zoom and a poom-poom.' 'Billie Jean is not my lover.' 'Scaramouche, Scaramouche, will you do the Fandango?' 'Because you know I'm all about that bass.' 'You are the wind beneath my wings.' So, come on, believe all these words I genuinely speak and go on to trust a self-certified optometrist give you all the tips on how to rid yourself of those bloodshot eyes after we smoke a little grass and take a long walk on the beach. Be sure to contact me if you're interested. I can 'see' that you are. Ha-ha. Get it? I'll be here all weekend, folks..."
Rick Perry: "I'm going to keep this short and sweet. I can think of three reasons why you should go on a date with me: 1) I'm not yet a felon, 2) Since I started wearing glasses my IQ has shot up from 46 to 68, and 3) I... I... Hmm, I can't seem to remember. Oops... Well, anyway, if you'd like to help me recall what that third reason is while we're walking along the beach and repeatedly counting to two, send me one of those online mail messages things or whatever they're called."
Marco Rubio: "Let me tell you a bit about myself. First of all, I'm fun, attractive, repetitive, and smart. I also like long walks on the beach. What else? I'm fun, attractive, repetitive, and smart. I'm fun attractive, repetitive, and smart. Did I mention I was fun, attractive, repetitive, and smart? I don't think I did. Well, in case I didn't, let me just say I'm fun, attractive, repetitive, and smart. Call me if you'd like. Call me. Call me if you want. Call me. Ca... :: system breaks down ::"
Rick Santorum: "Before we start anything serious, let me just say I don't believe in sex. While I have kids of my own, I believe they got there the old-fashioned way, like the Virgin Mary did it. So if you have a problem with that, I don't think this relationship is going to work. But, if you're into long prayers on the beach, watching Hallmark Christmas movies in August that I had taped previously, singing Christmas carols outside a Marilyn Manson concert on Valentine's Day, and other such things, simply talk to the Lord your savior, and he'll answer your prayers by bringing us together. Oh, and when we do meet, you can call me the Virgin Santy."
Donald Trump: "I don't mean to brag, ladies, but I'm the greatest. I'm the best. Not only that, but I'm humble about my genius. It's like I always say, 'You can't spell 'awesome' or 'modest' without 'Trump.' True statement. Very very true statement right there. When women shake my hand, I see this incredible look on their faces, as I know what they're thinking. They're thinking, 'This man's hands are so huge, beautiful, and precious; I bet he has other such features on his body.' ...and hey, I can't deny it. Even though they've never actually said that to my face, I can't deny it. But, let me tell you something... I love women. I absolutely love, adore, cherish, and fantasize about all kinds of women, even my own daughter. If hot women were like golf, I'd want to continually get it in the hole. I mean, seriously, who wouldn't?!? But, honestly, ladies, I'm rich, fantastic in every way, modest like you've never seen, the smartest man you'll ever meet, and I think we should give this a chance. Call my secretary on my private jet, but only if you meet these requirements: 1) You're hot, I mean, super hot, supermodel hot, like fricking hot hot, 2) You like flying over the beach in helicopters, and 3) You have smaller hands than me (this means you probably have to be under 5'2'')."
Scott Walker: "I don't know why this is, but nobody seems to likes me. Even when I've run for office, my family has enthusiastically voted against me. So, in other words, I can't be too picky here. So long as you're alive, legal, and don't have a penis, I think we could make this work. So yeah, whether you're 7'2'' and 450 lbs., 4'2'' and 91 lbs., white, black, bright orange, 23, 114, speak English, or only in Klingon, I think I'd enjoy a nice long walk on the beach with you, or watch a Murder She Wrote marathon, or participate in one of those Nintendo video game tournament thingies, or whatever. So, like, call me. You'll have me at 'hello,' I guarantee it, and for once, I'm telling the truth!"
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