To everyone's surprise except for his own, Donald Trump presented himself with the first (and possibly last) National Modesty Award today. When accepting his own award for modesty, Trump had this to say:
"I am both proud, honored, and humbled to present myself with this award for modesty today. I would first like to thank the committee, comprised of just myself. I would next like to thank me, because without me, none of this would have been possible. Lastly, I'd like to thank my father, for pushing me to be so rich, so successful, and so awesome, for inspiring me to do it all on my own, thanks in part to the $1 million he gave me, but mainly thanks to what I did with that very very small sum of $1 million. I mean, the $1 million is pretty irrelevant when you think about it. Suppose for a second my father didn't give me the $1 million. Suppose I had to start from scratch, was all on my own, I'd... Where was I going with this? I... Uh... I'd still be here today, with the same kind of money, the same kind of wives, the same kind of hands - yuuuuge ones, folks. I guarantee it. I guarantee it. No, I wouldn't have been able to make more money out of $1 million if my dad didn't give it to me in the first place, but he did and I did, so like, yeah, I built that. Where was I? Oh yes, speaking of modesty, listen folks, you can't spell 'awesome' or 'modesty' without 'Donald,' without 'Trump,' and without 'me,' am I right? So, anyway, in conclusion, I'm grateful for this modesty award I gave myself today and am going to walk away with my head held high today knowing I'm more awesome and modest than all of you losers combined! Thank you, goodnight, and don't forget to purchase something from the Trump catalogs I passed around to everyone. Those giant Trump foam hand thingies are hot right now, so get them while you can! Your babies are going to love them!"
"I am both proud, honored, and humbled to present myself with this award for modesty today. I would first like to thank the committee, comprised of just myself. I would next like to thank me, because without me, none of this would have been possible. Lastly, I'd like to thank my father, for pushing me to be so rich, so successful, and so awesome, for inspiring me to do it all on my own, thanks in part to the $1 million he gave me, but mainly thanks to what I did with that very very small sum of $1 million. I mean, the $1 million is pretty irrelevant when you think about it. Suppose for a second my father didn't give me the $1 million. Suppose I had to start from scratch, was all on my own, I'd... Where was I going with this? I... Uh... I'd still be here today, with the same kind of money, the same kind of wives, the same kind of hands - yuuuuge ones, folks. I guarantee it. I guarantee it. No, I wouldn't have been able to make more money out of $1 million if my dad didn't give it to me in the first place, but he did and I did, so like, yeah, I built that. Where was I? Oh yes, speaking of modesty, listen folks, you can't spell 'awesome' or 'modesty' without 'Donald,' without 'Trump,' and without 'me,' am I right? So, anyway, in conclusion, I'm grateful for this modesty award I gave myself today and am going to walk away with my head held high today knowing I'm more awesome and modest than all of you losers combined! Thank you, goodnight, and don't forget to purchase something from the Trump catalogs I passed around to everyone. Those giant Trump foam hand thingies are hot right now, so get them while you can! Your babies are going to love them!"
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