It's amazing to watch cable news channels when a significant crime or tragedy has struck a part of this nation. In light of the recent mass shooting in this nation's capital, MSNBC decided to report the shooter's name without confirmation, Fox News thought it was a prime opportunity to be partisan and racist, and CNN felt that any bit of news, even if it wasn't news at all, was important for everyone to hear. MSNBC leans left, Fox News leans right, and CNN leans whichever direction the wind takes them. Here's my slightly exaggerated version of how the three networks report on such events.
Headline: A 25-year old African-American man attempted to rob a bank and is holding several people hostage
Network: MSNBC
"We're just getting word about an attempted bank robbery in Chicago, Illinois, where an African-American man is holding several people hostage. Apparently the man is about 25-years old, and do we have a name yet? We do? Okay, we just got confirmation that the man's name is Jerome Sugartits. If anyone knows of a 25-year old African-American man around the Chicago area named Jerome Sugartits, please contact authorities if you feel you have any useful information. Oh, wait one minute... Okay, apparently that name wasn't confirmed. We're still not certain about the man's name. From all of us here at MSNBC, I'd like to personally apologize for getting that name wrong and especially to all the Jerome Sugartits' in the Chicago area. Well, we're going to head off to commercial break now. We'll try try find out more information for you when we come back. Please stay tuned."
Network: Fox News
"All the other major news networks are reporting this breaking story about a black man in Chicago holding people hostage at a bank. For us here at Fox News, though, it's just another day and another black man causing trouble. Obviously those gun control laws in Chicago aren't working now, are they? Gun control - what a joke that is, especially black person gun control! Well, would you look at this? Surprise, surprise.... We're getting some nasty tweets with regard to my recent report. I guess people just aren't used to a fair and balanced news network - a network that treats everyone equally, besides: Women, blacks, gays, Mexicans, liberals, etc. Well, anyway, we have to take a short commercial break. When we come back, we'll get you up-to-date with this hostage story, as well as, I don't know - probably some Mexicans stealing jobs from hard-working white Americans or women being sluts! Stay tuned!"
Network: CNN
"Breaking news here at CNN - a man has taken several people hostage after attempting to rob a bank in Chicago, Illinois. That's all we have confirmed at this point in time, but think we owe it to you - the viewers - to cover the whole story - even the parts we don't know. We don't know the man's ethnicity, but we're getting reports that he's darker than a while person or is a white person who goes tanning quite regularly. Also, we have no idea how old he is, but we're going to venture a guess he's between 18 and 49. We've yet to hear what he looks like, but the best news team on television has just confirmed that he's neither a giant nor a little person. Let's take a look at the area with the best camera on television. There are a lot of cars - police cars it looks like - at this bank. I see people outside of those police cars - probably cops. If we move the camera around, we can see cars being re-directed in some areas, whereas traffic appears to be moving right along in other spots. Construction may be slowing traffic in other areas too. We don't know this first-hand, but we're going to assume it and report it to you. If we move the camera a bit more, we see some people walking. We don't know whether or not they're headed to the bank or if they're affiliated with the man holding people hostage, but let's follow them for a while to see where they're going. It appears as if they're going to lunch. Okay, so it's unlikely we need to follow them anymore. Let's go back to the bank. It appears that cars and people are still outside of the bank. We don't know what's happening inside the bank, but have to imagine people are very scared, are praying to Jesus, and the robber is trying to negotiate with the police officers. We're not sure what he's asking for in return for freeing the hostages, but we here at CNN think he might be seeking a free flight out of this country, a hummer once he arrives at this country - probably Russia - and access to free Russian porn. Alright, well, we have to take a short break now, but will be right back to update you on what is happening, what isn't happening, and what might or might not be happening. We'll also hear from the best news team on television and their observations about trees, bushes, and buildings in the area. Don't go away!"
Headline: A 25-year old African-American man attempted to rob a bank and is holding several people hostage
Network: MSNBC
"We're just getting word about an attempted bank robbery in Chicago, Illinois, where an African-American man is holding several people hostage. Apparently the man is about 25-years old, and do we have a name yet? We do? Okay, we just got confirmation that the man's name is Jerome Sugartits. If anyone knows of a 25-year old African-American man around the Chicago area named Jerome Sugartits, please contact authorities if you feel you have any useful information. Oh, wait one minute... Okay, apparently that name wasn't confirmed. We're still not certain about the man's name. From all of us here at MSNBC, I'd like to personally apologize for getting that name wrong and especially to all the Jerome Sugartits' in the Chicago area. Well, we're going to head off to commercial break now. We'll try try find out more information for you when we come back. Please stay tuned."
Network: Fox News
"All the other major news networks are reporting this breaking story about a black man in Chicago holding people hostage at a bank. For us here at Fox News, though, it's just another day and another black man causing trouble. Obviously those gun control laws in Chicago aren't working now, are they? Gun control - what a joke that is, especially black person gun control! Well, would you look at this? Surprise, surprise.... We're getting some nasty tweets with regard to my recent report. I guess people just aren't used to a fair and balanced news network - a network that treats everyone equally, besides: Women, blacks, gays, Mexicans, liberals, etc. Well, anyway, we have to take a short commercial break. When we come back, we'll get you up-to-date with this hostage story, as well as, I don't know - probably some Mexicans stealing jobs from hard-working white Americans or women being sluts! Stay tuned!"
Network: CNN
"Breaking news here at CNN - a man has taken several people hostage after attempting to rob a bank in Chicago, Illinois. That's all we have confirmed at this point in time, but think we owe it to you - the viewers - to cover the whole story - even the parts we don't know. We don't know the man's ethnicity, but we're getting reports that he's darker than a while person or is a white person who goes tanning quite regularly. Also, we have no idea how old he is, but we're going to venture a guess he's between 18 and 49. We've yet to hear what he looks like, but the best news team on television has just confirmed that he's neither a giant nor a little person. Let's take a look at the area with the best camera on television. There are a lot of cars - police cars it looks like - at this bank. I see people outside of those police cars - probably cops. If we move the camera around, we can see cars being re-directed in some areas, whereas traffic appears to be moving right along in other spots. Construction may be slowing traffic in other areas too. We don't know this first-hand, but we're going to assume it and report it to you. If we move the camera a bit more, we see some people walking. We don't know whether or not they're headed to the bank or if they're affiliated with the man holding people hostage, but let's follow them for a while to see where they're going. It appears as if they're going to lunch. Okay, so it's unlikely we need to follow them anymore. Let's go back to the bank. It appears that cars and people are still outside of the bank. We don't know what's happening inside the bank, but have to imagine people are very scared, are praying to Jesus, and the robber is trying to negotiate with the police officers. We're not sure what he's asking for in return for freeing the hostages, but we here at CNN think he might be seeking a free flight out of this country, a hummer once he arrives at this country - probably Russia - and access to free Russian porn. Alright, well, we have to take a short break now, but will be right back to update you on what is happening, what isn't happening, and what might or might not be happening. We'll also hear from the best news team on television and their observations about trees, bushes, and buildings in the area. Don't go away!"
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