The male version of the crazy cat lady

If my relationship ultimately doesn't work out, I may try to start a new trend and date either a straight guy or a lesbian. We seem to understand one another more than people I'm attracted to - heterosexual women. We could just chill, watch football, drink beer (a Jack and Coke for me), listen to rock music, and not ever worry about sex, because there wouldn't be any - between us anyway. Of course, if those cravings arose, we'd have to go elsewhere and that could complicate matters.

Him: "Dude, I'm doing somebody."

Me: "Yeah, I know."

Him: "I think I'm in love."

Me: "Crap. So, where's this leave us?"

Him: "Where we've always been - best friends, except I'm going to move in with her."

Me: "::sighs:: I knew this would happen. Aren't I good enough for you?"

Him: "Well, aren't you doing somebody too?"

Me: "No"

Him: "Are you gay or something?"

Me: "Did I ever hit on you?"

Him: "There was that one time you grabbed my butt during a game of football."

Me: "I smacked it. Lots of football players do that."

Him: "I've felt those kind of smacks. That was a grab. You were feeling around down there for at least five seconds."

Me: "Whatever, but no, I'm not gay."

Him: "Alright, well, I've got plenty of guys and gals I could send over here to take care of that for you if you want..."

Me: "No, that's alright."

Him: "Dude, you are gay!"

Me: "Am not! Whatever! Go and have fun with your girlfriend!"

Him: "I will! More fun than you're having with your right hand!"

Me: "I'm ambidextrous!"

Him: "Ambi - what? Bi? You're bi? I knew you were gay!"

Me: "What? That's not what I said!"

Him: "Alright. Well, I'm all packed now. I'll see ya around."

Okay, so perhaps that's not such a good idea. Maybe I could just become the male version of the crazy cat lady.