More Good Guys With Guns (short story)

NRA Vice President Wayne LaPierre, as he contended on Meet the Press a couple days ago and in the wake of the Sandy Hook school shooting, believes that the only way to stop a bad guy with a gun is a good guy with a gun, and the only way to ensure our safety is through more good guys having guns. It's as simple as that apparently.

When I hear this rhetoric, several questions immediately spring to mind, such as: Who are these good guys?; How many are there?; Where can we find them?; What is the definition of "good guy?;" Are there some guys whom are neither good nor bad?; Should they have guns as well?; Can we trust them?; How do we define "bad guy?;" Is there a way we can prevent these bad guys from having guns?; If so, how?; etc.

In having all of these questions, I'm now going to attempt to crawl inside the mind of Mr. LaPierre (figuratively-speaking, of course) to see just how well this good-guys-with-guns idea could work. Since I don't have a definition of "good guys" and those whom are the strongest of NRA supporters tend to be affiliated with the far-right end of the political spectrum, they will be the "good guys" in this dialogue.

Setting: Gun handout at a special NRA-sponsored gun show

Wayne LaPierre: "I'd like to welcome everyone to our first ever Giving Good Guys Guns gun show. The only way to stop these bad guys with guns is if we have more good guys with guns, so we here at the NRA are going to do just that! It's first come, first served. Once you reach the front of the line, I'll ask you a question or two to determine if you are indeed a good guy. If I deem you are, I will hand you a free gun, and if not, you may be frisked and shot if you're armed. Shall we begin?"

Men: ::grunt::

LaPierre: "Okay, for the first person in line, I have just one question for you - do you believe in God?"

John Mark-Paul: "F**k yeah!"

LaPierre: "I knew you were a good guy. Here's your gun, and yes, it's loaded, so be careful."

Mark-Paul: ::starts firing gun in the air:: "Aw Yeah!"

LaPierre: "That's the spirit! ...and people say guns kill people! Nonsense! ...Okay, next?"

George G.W. Bush: "So, what's your question?"

LaPierre: "Are you pro-life?"

Bush: "Hell yes, except for those bad guys I'm going to shoot and kill!"

LaPierre: "I like your attitude. Here's your gun."

Bush: ::accidentally shoots himself in the foot:: "Ow! What in the heck happened?"

LaPierre: "Can we get some paramedics over here please?"

Paramedics: ::try taking away Bush's gun::

Bush: "Hey, hands off my gun or you're going to get it! Are you some of the bad guys?"

LaPierre: "Hey! I told you to take care of him, not strip away his 2nd Amendment rights!"

Paramedic Buck Ewe: "We're just trying to help..."

Bush: ::points gun at the paramedics:: "Get away from me! I'll crawl out of here if I have to! I'd rather crawl and bleed to death than have you take my gun away from me and make me feel better!"

LaPierre: "Gosh, I love that man. Alright, who's next? Sorry about the delay."

Franklin Marmalade: ::hands LaPierre his ID::

LaPierre: "Whoa! Wait a minute! What is this? Are you one of those gun control nuts? Security - get this man out of here! The next person who shows me their ID is going to get shot! You all got that? Okay... Next..."

Ronald Gaygan: "No IDs here. I've never even had a driver's license."

LaPierre: "That's fantastic! So, tell me, do you believe gays should be legally allowed to get married?"

Gaygan: "What? Do you think I'm some kind of queer or something? No!"

LaPierre: "Perfect answer! Here's your gun..."

Gaygan: "I'm going to run out, catch up with that ID freak, shoot him, and see if the blood trickles down!"

LaPierre: "Okay, just don't get caught! Alright, who's next?"

Busta Biggs: "Yo"

LaPierre: "Hmm... Hi. I know what I said before about IDs, but do you happen to have one on you?"

Biggs: "Naw, man. I thought I didn't need one, like all the others."

LaPierre: "That's true. Okay, how about this? Here's your question - do you have a criminal record?"

Biggs: "What kind of a question is that? I thought you were against background checks!"

LaPierre: "I am. Look, this was just the random question I drew for you. If you don't answer the question, I'm afraid you won't be given a gun."

Biggs: "Alright, no - I don't have a criminal record."

LaPierre: "None at all?"

Biggs: "Alright, so I got caught jaywalking one time in college. So what?"

LaPierre: "Security! ...Whew, that man kind of scared me. Okay, next in line please..."

Leslie Lesbie: "I'm next, sir."

::man yells out, "She's not a man! I thought you said good GUYS with guns!"::

LaPierre: "Yes, that's what I said, but let's hear this woman out for a moment. Okay, what's your definition of a 'good guy,' maddam?"

Lesbie: "Whatever you think it is."

LaPierre: "I like that answer. Here you are. Okay, next..."

Jeffrey Bomber: "That would be me."

LaPierre: "Wow, look at you! Tall, young, white, handsome, but not in a gay way. Your shirt even says, 'I love guns and Jesus." I don't think I need to ask you a question. Here, take any gun of your choosing."

Bomber: ::takes gun and starts shooting people::

LaPierre: "I thought you were a good guy who wanted a gun!"

Bomber: "I was until a few years ago. I can't buy a gun in the state I'm from now, so when I heard about your show, I knew I had to come."

LaPierre: "But, but, these are, well, were all good guys who wanted guns too."

Bomber: "Hey, I hadn't shot anybody for a few weeks. I had an itch. Unfortunately for them, they were in the wrong place at the wrong time."

LaPierre: "Maybe that ID freak was right!"

Bomber: "Yeah, sucks for you!"

LaPierre: ::prays to God, "More good guys with guns, more good guys with guns, more good guys with guns, more good guy...::