Bad-a*s Jesus brought to you by the GOP

I often times wonder what Bible far-right Republicans, especially Tea Partiers, are reading. Many claim to be devout Christians - worshipers of Christ. However, when hearing them speak and seeing what actions they've taken while in office, these words and actions don't really jive with the central character in the Bible and the man they supposedly worship - Jesus. From speaking out against homosexuals to trying to provide the rich benefits while taking away from the poor to treating guns like gods to going to war with smiles on their faces, it puzzles me to no end how these very people can adamantly declare that they are followers of Christ. Whatever Bible they've read, this appears to be how it came across to them:

Setting: On a bench in downtown San Francisco, since the Jewish Jesus was apparently born in the United States

Peter: "Can you believe those guys?"

Paul: "I know - can't they at least wait until they get home to do that crap?"

Jesus: ::yells out:: "Queers!"

Peter: "Wow! You go, JC!" ::high five::

Jesus: "I know what Meat Loaf meant when he sang, 'I would do anything for love, but I won't do that,' because I love everyone, except for them queers."

Paul: "Right on, JC! Right on! So, who are we waiting for again?"

Jesus: "Ted Nugent. He's going to bring us a few new toys to play with. Oh, wouldn't you know it? I see him right now."

Paul: "Ha! You always have perfect timing, JC!"

Jesus: "I am fricking perfect, aren't I?"

Paul: "Yes, yes you are."

Jesus: "That's what I thought!"

Paul: "Are you okay, sir?"

Jesus: "Sorry, I just get a little anxious whenever Ted brings me new toys."

Paul: "Understood"

Jesus: "Hey Teddy, how in the hell are you? Give me some sugar!"

::the two give one another a half-arsed one-armed man hug::

Person walking by: "Queers!"

Jesus: "Hey! You were on the edge anyway! You're going to hell, tough guy!"

Ted Nugent: "Ha-ha! You sure told him!"

Jesus: "Dam* straight, I did - pun intended..."

::they all bust out laughing::

Peter: "You always had a great sense of humor, JC!"

Jesus: "Thanks, Petey. Anyway, Ted, have you got the stuff?"

Ted: "You know it, man! Here you are. What do you think about that?"

Jesus: "Oh my Father, this is one precious piece of freedom. You always knew my taste with guns. Like Sir Mix-a-Lot with butts, I like big guns and well, since I'm perfect and all, it's a fact I cannot lie."

::they all laugh again::

Paul: "You're on a roll today!"

Jesus: "Aren't I always? Anyway, let's walk around with these things, point them at bums, and make them crap their pants some more. Does that sound good?"

Peter, Paul, and Ted: "Yeah!"

Jesus: ::points his gun at a bum:: "Bang! Bang! Bang!"

Bum: ::starts shaking::

Jesus: "Ha-ha! We got one!" ::high-five:: "Okay, who else do we got? Oh, I see another one..."

Bum: ::looks up::

Jesus: "Freeze! You're under arrest for being a worthless pile of garbage. Anything you say or do won't matter, because you don't amount to anything!"

Bum: ::starts crying::

Jesus: "Pansy... I can't stand those no good bums and poor people always looking for handouts. If they think their lives are hard, try getting crucified on a fricking cross and dying for all of man's sins. That, my friends, is a..."

Person walking close by: "Handout?"

Jesus: "What did you say, punk?"

Random person: "You heard me..."

Jesus: ::points gun at him:: "What, do you think you're tough or something? I'm fricking Jesus! I eat people like you for breakfast!"

Random person: "Tougher than you. I don't need to carry a gun around with me at all times and pick on the homeless to know this."

Jesus: "Well, let's see if you think you're tough now."

::JC shoots the guy in the leg::

Random guy: "Goddam*it!"

::JC shoots him again, this time in the head and kills him::

Ted: "Whoa! That was bad-a*s, man!"

Jesus: "Hey, I'm all about my 2nd Amendment rights. He was attacking me and I had to use self-defense. What else was I supposed to do? Anyway, he said my father's name in vain. Sinner..."