Pots and Pans-exuality

I see that today is "Pan Visibility Day." Yes, go to your kitchens this instance and show some respect to your pots and pans! Okay, so this has nothing to do with kitchen appliances and everything to do with "pansexuality."

What is "pansexuality"? I'm so glad I asked. It's when one is sexually attracted to all genders. But wait, aren't there just two genders, which would therefore make the person bisexual? Not necessarily, but I see your confusion. While many use the terms "sex" and "gender" interchangeably, there is technically a difference between them. When you think "sex," think genitalia (just the word, don't actually picture those odd looking things). So, with exceptions, there are two sexes - male and female (again, there are exceptions). However, gender has more to do with how a person identifies, which goes past just their nether-regions. Yes, this is where things get really confusing, but please bear with me.

I think we all have the general idea of sex and sexuality down pat. If not, just let me know, and I'll draw you a few pictures sometime. If a person is homosexual, they're attracted to members of the same sex; if they're heterosexual, they get tingly down yonder when it comes to the opposite sex; and if they declare themselves to be bisexual, well then, they get the warm and fuzzies all over for both sexes. Again, there are exceptions to these categories, like asexuality, but I'll limit our discussion to the three most oft-mentioned sexualities. You're welcome.

Okay, so now that we've gotten that out of the way, onto the quantum physics portion of our lecture - gender identity and pansexuality. As I noted previously, gender goes beyond one's 3-wood or 9th hole, and deals more with how a person feels. For example, a person may have a pet cyclops named Louie, but he may not necessarily identify as male. He may refer to himself as nonbinary, pangender, or agender, just to name a few. So, while bisexuals are attracted to members of both sexes (male and female), pansexuals are attracted to members of all genders. Get it? Got it? Good.

Now is the time I start pissing people off, because what has the term "gender" seemingly evolved into recently, it seems? Personality. Look, I get it. There are days I feel like a scientist in a lab, high on speed, and others where I feel like a complete bum, looking for my right sock. This doesn't make me gender-fluid. It simply makes me human, and from what I can tell from the cucumber in my pants, male. Why must we make everything so complicated? We're all unique. We don't need a specific label in order to stand out from the rest of the crowd. I mean, what if a person identifies as bisexual, meaning he or she is attracted to both men and women, but a person they're courting identifies as agender? Does this then make the courter pansexual, even though he/she identifies as bisexual and is unknowingly dating someone who identifies as agender? Could it thereby be possible for all of us to be pansexual and not even know it? What would be the point of identifying as pansexual if that were the case? What is even the point of identifying as any gender anymore? What sex am I? Male. What gender am I? Craig Rozniecki. What does that mean? Hell if I know.

Well, I hope I have cleared things up for all my readers. Lord knows I haven't cleared them up for myself, whoever I am. Let's close this ever-so-informative lecture with a joke, shall we? What did the perverted pansexual oven shout to the rest of the kitchen? I don't care what you are, I'm open to having you inside me.