Transcript for Podcast: "I Feel Snitty," Episode 146: "Take a Look, It's in My Book, It's a Reading Promo - Part 16" is now available!

Podcast: I Feel Snitty

Episode 146: Take a Look, It's in My Book, It's a Reading Promo - Part 16

Premiere Date: 5/5/21

Length: 19:21 (3,028 words)

Link: https://ifeelsnitty.podbean.com/e/take-a-look-its-in-my-book-its-a-reading-promo-part-16/

Transcript: 

Welcome to I Feel Snitty, episode 146, entitled, “Take a Look, It’s in My Book, It’s a Reading Promo – Part 16.” I’m your host, Craig Rozniecki.

 

It had been two years since my last LOL at the GOP book, so it was high past time to release another. So, in 2018, I released LOL at the GOP – Volume 7: Obstruction of Conscience. Keeping the introduction short this time, here are five excerpts from the seventh installment of my LOL at the GOP series.

 

The first excerpt can be found on pages 18 through 20, and is called, “Perry compares homosexuality to alcoholism.”

 

Perry compares homosexuality to alcoholism

A while back, then Texas Governor Rick Perry made an appearance in San Francisco, and answered a question regarding homosexuality with this:

 

"Whether or not you feel compelled to follow a particular lifestyle or not, you have the ability to decide not to do that. I may have the genetic coding that I'm inclined to be an alcoholic, but I have the desire not to do that, and I look at the homosexual issue the same way."

 

A person doing several shots of liquor every night and attempting to drive home drunk? Someone who is sexually attracted to and loves another of the same gender? Yeah, that's exactly the same thing!

 

Setting: A gay man gets pulled over by a cop late at night

 

Francois Shaftacular: "Is there a problem, officer?"

 

Officer Richard Head: "License and registration please..."

 

Francois: "I don't think I was speeding. Is one of my break-lights out or something?"

 

Officer Dick: "I've heard about you, Fran, Fran, Franny - whatever the hell your name is..."

 

Francois: "That's Francois, sir."

 

Dick: "Look, kid - we can't have your kind driving out here at night. Not only are you a risk to yourself, but you're a risk to every other driver!"

 

Francois: "What? I'm confused. I wasn't drinking or anything."

 

Dick: "Don't deny it, buddy. The whole town knows. You're one of them gays, and as far as I see it, you're just as dangerous on the road as someone who's pounded down sixty-nine buttery nipple shots."

 

Francois: "Is this a joke?"

 

Dick: "What? You think this is funny or something, Frankie?"

 

Francois: "No, of course not, and it's Francois."

 

Dick: "Good! Because it's not funny! When you're driving out here at night, you spread those queer vibes all across this town, and if you keep doing it, we'll have an AIDS epidemic on our hands here. I don't know about you, but I don't want no AIDS - you got that?!?"

 

Francois: "How can I give you AIDS from driving?"

 

Dick: "That's not important. What is important is that you take this license and registration back, take this as a very stern warning, go back home, and never drive in this town again!"

 

Francois: "But, that's not fair!"

 

Dick: "Hush up! Now, I'll be watching you, Fernando! In fact, just to make sure you go right back home, I'm going to ride your butt all the way back there! How does that sound?"

 

Francois: "Well, honestly, you're not really my type... I mean, uh, yeah, sure. Thanks, officer...."

 

Dick: "Head. Richard Head. Most people who get to know me call me Dick."

 

Francois: "I understand completely. Well, goodnight."

 

Yeah, they're the same thing. As you were saying, Mr. Perry...

 

The next piece is entitled, “Don Jr. teaches his daughter about what he believes socialism to be…,” and can be found on pages 33 through 35.

 

Don Jr. teaches his daughter about what he believes socialism to be...

Donald Trump Jr. continues to showcase that the "bigly" stupid gene runs in the family, as he has again illustrated he knows as much about socialism as a dog named Lucky knows about Kama Sutra. On Halloween, the president's son tweeted a picture of his daughter Chloe holding up a half full/half empty bowl of candy, adding the words, "I'm going to take half of Chloe's candy tonight & give it to some kid who sat at home. It's never to early to teach her about socialism."

 

Apparently there is such a thing as TOO late to teach him about socialism, well, and English/spelling. Let me get this straight; on a day when kids all over the country knock on neighbors' and strangers' doors, asking for free candy, Don Jr. stealing half that candy from his own daughter and giving it to a kid at home is an example of socialism? As Mandy Patinkin said in The Princess Bride, "I do not think that word means what you think it means."

 

Let's break this down even further:

 

Step 1

Donald Trump Jr. takes his daughter out trick-or-treating, asking for free handouts (candy), and that's perfectly acceptable.

 

Step 2

Donald Trump Jr. takes half of his daughter's free handouts (candy) and calls it socialism.

 

Conclusion: Donald Trump Jr. doesn't know what socialism is and he's a cold-hearted jerk. Based on that rationale (or lack of it), I predict Don Jr. will utter the following to his daughter at some point:

 

- "I'm gonna loan you millions of candies, let you run out six times, & then call you a good businessperson."

 

- "Okay, now pretend these pieces of candy are your papa's tax returns. That's it. Probably no ketchup this time."

 

- "You? 100 Skittles. Give me your reds. Doll? 2 Skittles. No reds to give. That's taxes. Not fair, is it?"

 

- "I bought this Milky Way. I have to eat it. I can't throw or give it away. I have no choice. So, yeah, abortion."

 

- "These two jelly beans don't belong together. Let's call them Adam & Steve. Now let's eat Adam & Steve. Yum."

 

- "Let's say these Starburst cure cancer. If everyone had one, that'd be bad, because, you know, death panels."

 

- "Go ahead & hit me with that gummy bear. Ow! That could've killed me! This is why we can't have gun control."

 

- "If you want a special kind of candy, ask papa to call Uncle Vlady & he'll get it for you. That's democracy."

 

- "Give me all your candy. In due time, some of this candy will trickle down to you. Isn't that cool?"

 

This next writing is entitled, “Vaginas = Butts according to Idaho State Representative Vito Barbieri.”

 

Vaginas = Butts according to Idaho State Representative Vito Barbieri

Like a lot of male Republican politicians, Idaho State Representative Vito Barbieri appears to be quite confused about the female body.

 

With regard to a state bill which would ban doctors from providing abortion-inducing medication through telemedicine, the House State Affairs Committee heard three hours of testimony, which is when Representative Barbieri would soon make it known to the world that he knows as much about a woman's body as a fetus knows about the "Internets" (thanks, Dubya).

 

Here's basically how the back-and-forth between Representative Barbieri and Dr. Julie Madsen, who opposed the bill, went:

 

Dr. Madsen: "...Some colonoscopy patients may swallow a small device to give doctors a closer look at parts of their colon."

 

Rep. Barbieri: "Can this same procedure then be done in a pregnancy? Swallowing a camera and helping the doctor determine what the situation is?"

 

Dr. Madsen: "That would be impossible because swallowed pills do not end up in the vagina."

 

Rep. Barbieri: "Fascinating. That makes sense."

 

Representative Barbieri would later say his question was rhetorical. However, I have a difficult time believing this. If he was truly asking a rhetorical question, as most everyone would do in such a circumstance, here's how the back-and-forth would have gone:

 

Dr. Madsen: "...Some colonoscopy patients may swallow a small device to give doctors a closer look at parts of their colon."

 

Rep. Barbieri: "Can this same procedure then be done in a pregnancy? Swallowing a camera and helping the doctor determine what the situation is?"

 

Dr. Madsen: "That..."

 

Rep. Barbieri: "No need to respond. The question was rhetorical. I was merely proving a point. That will be all."

 

So since I don't believe his question was rhetorical, I have some questions of my own that I'd like to ask the Idaho lawmaker:

 

1) True or false, the butt and vagina are the same thing?

 

2) If you answered true to question #1, does that make the butt and penis the same thing?

 

3) If you answered true to both #1 and #2, through the transitive property, does that mean the penis and vagina are the same thing?

 

4) How do you believe people have sex? You'll be required to draw a picture.

 

5) If vaginas are butts in disguise, why do so many Republicans have an issue with gays getting married, since both homosexuals and heterosexuals would be only engaging in anal sex?

 

Based on Representative Barbieri's ridiculous question, expect to hear the following questions from him at some point in the future:

 

- "In Sir Mix-a-Lot's song, 'Baby Got Back,' when he says, 'I like big butts and I cannot lie,' is that code for, 'I like big vaginas and I cannot lie’?"

 

- "Do women always have to sit down to use the restroom because they pee and poop out of the same place?"

 

- "Where do babies come out of again and does it really matter which hole it is, or is there only one hole?"

 

- "So, since I've established that butts are the same thing as vaginas, does this mean gay men can get pregnant too?"

 

- "If a doctor gave me a colonoscopy, would he find my head there?"

 

Yes...

 

This next piece can be found on pages 105 and 106, and is titled, “The Constitution: Modern-Day Republican Version.”

 

The Constitution: Modern-Day Republican Version

Far-right Republicans often like to call themselves Constitutionalists, but just how accurate is that label? If the modern-day GOP were to write the Constitution today, here are just a few changes I think they'd make:

 

1st Amendment

"Congress shall respect Jerry Falwell's interpretation of Christianity more than any other religion. Due to that, Congress shall make no law prohibiting freedom of speech, even when this speech negates others of their rights. Conservative-friendly media outlets should be so free they're allowed to tell the world that gravity was a myth passed down by one King Fallen without so much as a smirk."

 

2nd Amendment

"An unregulated Militia, being necessary to the profit of the National Rifle Association, the right of the people to keep and bear firearms which could potentially kill 200 people per minute, shall not be infringed, because Jesus."

 

4th Amendment

"The right of the people to feel secure in their homes against unreasonable searches and seizures shall only be violated when the nation is frightened of Muslim terrorists, which is always."

 

6th Amendment

"In all criminal prosecutions, the accused shall enjoy the right to a speedy and public trial, by an impartial jury of the State and district wherein the crime shall have been committed, which district shall have been previously ascertained by law, and to be informed of the nature and cause of the accusation; to be confronted with the witnesses against him; to have compulsory process for obtaining witnesses in his favor, and to have the Assistance of Counsel for his defence - unless he's black."

 

8th Amendment

"Outside of fatal shock therapy ordered by the State, cruel and unusual punishments shall not be inflicted, so long as grand flexibility is provided with regard to the terms 'cruel' and 'unusual'."

 

12th Amendment

"The person having the greatest number of votes for president shall become president, except for the times when the person with fewer votes becomes president."

 

13th Amendment

"Slavery is like so not cool we should pretend it never happened. Thanks, Texas."

 

14th Amendment

"All persons who are descendents of those whom weren't originally born in this country but stole it from others shall be seen as citizens of the United States. As far as descendents of those who were originally from this country go, they should try their luck at the penny slots."

 

15th Amendment

"Persons can't be denied the right to vote based on race or color, but laws can be passed to make it more difficult for them to do so. The fewer that vote, the better. All hail democracy!"

 

26th Amendment

"Persons 18-years-old or older can't be denied the right to vote. If they're between the ages of 18 and 20, however, while they can be sent off to war and potentially shot in the process, they can't legally buy a shot of O'Doul's."

 

The final excerpt I’ll be sharing from this book can be found on pages 107 through 110, and is called, “The linguistic acrobatics of Donald Trump.”

 

The linguistic acrobatics of Donald Trump

The linguistic acrobatics of Donald Trump and those who work with or for him are quite amazing. I suppose they would have to be since the man appears to be unable of admitting a mistake, all the while lying approximately 69% of the time, according to Pulitzer Prize-winning fact-checker Politifact.com.

 

When Trump made claims that the size of his inauguration crowd was larger than that of Barack Obama's, Kellyanne Conway called it an "alternative fact."

 

More recently, after the president admitted that he was under investigation in a tweet, one of his lawyer's came out and said that he wasn't under investigation. Ms. Conway added to this, suggesting that Trump was merely trying to place a spotlight on irony with his tweet.

 

In many other such scenarios, Trump or his spokespeople have excused the president, suggesting he was just being sarcastic, not to take his tweets seriously, that he was being taken out of context, or how he was interpreted didn't match his intent.

 

Hell, if we go back even further, after months of claiming then President Barack Obama's birth certificate wasn't authentic and his claim being debunked numerous times by reputable fact-checkers, instead of finally admitting he was wrong about his birther theory, Trump took credit for Obama's real birth certificate coming forward.

 

Given all this, expect the following conversation to occur at some point during the Trump presidency:

 

Reporter: "Trump tweeted earlier that the Nile was a river in Mississippi. He does realize the river isn't even in North America, let alone Mississippi, right?"

 

Kellyanne Conway: "You misunderstood him. He was just giving alternative geography. Next question."

 

Reporter: "When the president tweeted the other day that he wouldn't mind fingering Jennifer Lopez, what did he mean? Was he being as perverted as he came across?"

 

Conway: "No, of course not. He was just saying that he's a big fan of J-Lo. He thinks she's #1, you know, fingering her."

 

Reporter: "What on earth was President Trump thinking when he said Mexicans are only good for making tacos?"

 

Conway: "He was speaking metaphorically. Tacos can mean anything. They can symbolize houses, lives, dreams, anything. When I was growing up and asked what I wanted to be when I became an adult, I simply held up a taco. True story."

 

Reporter: "Okay, I want to get this right, but at 3:33 in the morning a couple of days ago, Donald Trump tweeted, 'I'm the smartest fajoudem like ever!" What is 'fajoudem'?"

 

Conway: "If you don't know, I can't tell you. You have to discover it yourself. The truth is we're all fajoudems. Donald Trump is just the smartest one. Next..."

 

Reporter: "Just yesterday, Trump spoke at a mosque and said, 'I'm going to kill every Muslim in the world, bigly, and literally!' He..."

 

Conway: "I'm going to cut you off right there. The president has received a lot of backlash for that comment, but he was taken out of context and what he said shouldn't be taken literally. I think anyone with half a brain knows that, when Donald Trump says 'literally,' he really means, you know, not that. He just simply means he'll tweet to Muslims on Twitter and say something like, 'SAD!' and that's it. It's really not that big a deal."

 

Reporter: "TMZ just posted video of Donald Trump recently making out with a woman who wasn't his wife. What's the story there?"

 

Conway: "Look, here's how that went down. A supermodel told the president she bets she's a better kisser than Melania, so the president told his wife about this, she told him to make out with the model to prove her wrong, and that's the end of the story."

 

Reporter: "Donald Trump claimed that the 11th Commandment in the Bible is 'Thou shalt not do Obamacare.' He realizes that's factually incorrect, right?"

 

Conway: "The 1st Amendment of the U.S. Constitution permits him to hold an opinion about the Bible. Period!"

 

Reporter: "Why did the president start feeling Russia on the map while saying, 'I want to grab you by the pussy'?"

 

Conway: "You misheard him. He said, 'Eeny, meeny, miny, moe, bigly Russia has to go.'"

 

Reporter: "While standing behind Miss Universe, the president made a hole with his left hand and kept inserting two fingers from his right hand in and out of it, as he nodded toward her, and making a humping motion in her direction. Would you care to explain his inappropriate behavior and apologize on his behalf?"

 

Conway: "There is nothing to apologize for. The president has almost perfect health, but his one defect is what his doctors call BPS or Bigly Pelvic Spasms. It's not something to joke around about. He was also using sign language to say that words were about to emanate from the woman's mouth. Okay, I've got time for one more question."

 

Reporter: "This month's jobs report shows 85,000 jobs were created. After the report's release, the president stated that 5 million jobs were created. Why tell such an egregious lie?"

 

Conway: "That wasn't a lie. It was a false truth."

 

The book can be purchased on paperback for $12.50 on Lulu and on Kindle for $3.99 on Amazon. If you have any questions on the book, don’t hesitate to ask.

 

That’s it for today’s episode. Until next time, you can check me out on PodBean, Twitter, Amazon, and Blogger. This has been I Feel Snitty, with Craig Rozniecki. Take care.