Transcript for Podcast: "I Feel Snitty," Episode 143: "Take a Look, It's in My Book, It's a Reading Promo - Part 13" is now available!

Podcast: I Feel Snitty

Episode 143: Take a Look, It's in My Book, It's a Reading Promo - Part 13

Premiere Date: 5/5/21 

Length: 30:17 (4,884 words)

Link: https://ifeelsnitty.podbean.com/e/take-a-look-its-in-my-book-its-a-reading-promo-part-13/

Transcript: 

Welcome to I Feel Snitty, episode 143, entitled, “Take a Look, It’s in My Book, It’s a Reading Promo – Part 13.” I’m your host, Craig Rozniecki.

 

Well, given how hectic 2014 was for me, releasing four books, I didn’t release any new ones in 2015. I came back in 2016 to release the sixth installment of the LOL at the GOP series, entitled, LOL at the GOP – Volume 6: Orange Is the New Crazy.

 

Perhaps it’s due to the title (Orange Is the New Crazy); the fact Donald Trump has always unintentionally provided so much good comedy material; or that people needed a cathartic release due to Drumpf, but I think this is the fan favorite of the series, at least to this point. On that note, here are five excerpts from the book.

 

This first writing is titled, “The GOP’s job interview with Donald Trump,” and can be found on pages 9 through 12.

 

The GOP's job interview with Donald Trump

Setting: Republican National Committee (RNC) Chairman Reince Priebus' office

 

Reince Priebus: "Hello Donald, and welcome."

 

Donald Trump: "It's good to be here, like really really good."

 

Priebus: "Okay, well, let's not beat around the bush here. Why do you think you should be leader of the Republican Party?"

 

Trump: "What do you mean?"

 

Priebus: "What makes you the best, most qualified person to lead our party? Do you have any experience in politics?"

 

Trump: "None, absolutely none, nada, zero, zilch, infinity"

 

Priebus: "What was that last one?"

 

Trump: "Infinity, you know, zero"

 

Priebus: "What made you who you are today? What made you successful?"

 

Trump: "Well, I have to first give credit to my mom and dad. If my dad didn't stick his yuge penis into my mom's wherever, I wouldn't be here today. Then, I mean, I don't want to give the guy too much credit, but like everyone else's dad, mine gave me a very teeny-tiny $1 million loan, which helped at first, but not in the end, you know? ...and then, like yeah, I did things, said things, smelled things, tasted things, felt things, and things just kind of happened after that and stuff."

 

Priebus: "Now that we got that out of the way, can you answer my first question?"

 

Trump: "Look, I have the world's biggest, best, I don't think I already said best, memory, so it's figuratively impossible I forgot a question you didn't ask."

 

Priebus: "Whatever... The question was and still is, 'Why do you think you should be leader of the Republican Party? What makes you the best, most qualified person to lead our party?'"

 

Trump: "I just told you. I get things done. I do things, smell things, fondle things, pay guys to do illegal things, and things get done when I do them."

 

Priebus: "What specifically will you do to help represent our party and improve this country?"

 

Trump: "Let's not get into specifics. I swam the Specific Ocean one time, and one of those jamfishes almost stung me. Not good, not good at all, Reese."

 

Priebus: "It's Reince."

 

Trump: "That's what I said, Rich."

 

Priebus: "It's Rei... Nevermind. Okay, I'll ask you specifics then. What do you plan on doing about the immigration problem in this country?"

 

Trump: "Anyone named Juan and Jose will be put in jail for life because they're murderers, rapists, and jaywalkers, all of 'em!"

 

Priebus: "What will you do to protect this country from terrorism?"

 

Trump: "Those Museum guys are very, very scary, so I'd bar them from entering this country for all 6 years of my 1st term as president. I don't like non-God people much either, so I'd ban them for maybe 4 years. Hindonts and Boobists just seem weird to me, so they'd be barred for a couple years. Then those Apricots, you know, the ones who don't know what in the hell they believe? I'd just send them to some island somewhere and tell them to figure out a way to get back."

 

Priebus: "You've kind of gone back-and-forth on the abortion issue. What would you do with regard to that if you became president?"

 

Trump: "I've been with a lot, and I mean a lot of women, Richard. I mean, like, tremendous amounts of women, before my marriages, after my marriages, and even during my marriages. I've been married three times and I can't tell you how many holes I've stuck Little Drumpfy into. Oh, and don't let the nickname fool you; Little Drumpfy is frickin' ginormous, Rip, frickin' massive, believe me."

 

Priebus: "Once again, it's Reince, and you didn't answer my question. What will you do about abortion if you become this party's leader and representative in the Oval Office?"

 

Trump: "A little bit of this, a little bit of that, not so much of that other thing, and nothing at all of that one deal."

 

Priebus: "What about taxes? What do you plan on doing there?"

 

Trump: "Taxes will go up, down, forwards, backwards, diagonally, around, they'll do the hokey pokey and turn themselves around; that's what it's all about, Rinse."

 

Priebus: "Where do you stand on guns?"

 

Trump: "If you breathe, you should be able to have a gun. You and me, fetuses, trees, cocker spaniels named Taco Bell, or whoever."

 

Priebus: "Do you believe in climate-change?"

 

Trump: "Sure I do. It's warm around the 4th of July, cold around Christmas, gets dark at night, light in the morning, so I mean, yeah, of course climate changes. It's like people. Babies come out of ladies' wherevers, are really small, they grow, start talking, growing, before they get older and start shrinking and turning orange. It's just the natural way of life, Rico."

 

Priebus: "Okay, one final question. What's your favorite book in the Bible?"

 

Trump: "That's easy - Genitalians."

 

Priebus: "Okay, so let me go over my notes here. You don't have any experience in the field, mooched from your father to prompt your success, have been married three times, have been unfaithful to your wives, don't seem to know the meaning of the word specific, and thoroughly enjoy the book of Genitalians in the Bible; is that correct?"

 

Trump: "Yes, 100%"

 

Priebus: "Well, I've got two words for you, Donald - you're hired!"

 

The next piece can be found on pages 28 through 30, and is entitled, “Potential future jobs for Donald Trump.”

 

Potential future jobs for Donald Trump

Ever since he announced his run for the Oval Office, I've wondered if Donald Trump partially did it out of boredom, wanting something new and exciting in his life. Once he saw himself atop Republican polls, I had a feeling he started taking matters a bit more seriously (well, maybe). Given his demeanor, if he doesn't win the election in November and wants to take on a new venture, I suggest he gives one of the following jobs a gander. Next to each job title, I'll write what I picture Mr. Trump saying if he were to go that route in the future.

 

Walmart greeter: "Hey losers, welcome to Walmart. Hey, you over there with the Superman costume and missing teeth, I was specifically talking to you! Both parts, the welcoming and loser bits. Well, hello, how are you, sugar tits? Welcome to Walmart!"

 

Telemarketer: "Hey, yeah, so what do you want? What the hell do you need that for? Who does that anymore? I mean, read books? Seriously? Here, I'm like a human, life-sized dictionary, encyclopedia, and tyrannosaurus, so ask me anything and, free of charge, I'll tell you what you want to know. You're welcome. What's your first question? The Titanic sinks harder than styrofoam balls. Next? The capital of Syria is Sri Lanka. Next? What women want more than anything is a man with my hair. Okay, that's it. Bye, little Jeffrey. Yes, I'll be at the family barbecue over the weekend. ...and always remember, reading and learning is for idiots!"

 

Motivational speaker: "The saying goes, 'If you think you can or think you can't, you're probably right,' but I'm here to tell you that's wrong! Whether you think you can or think you can't, you can't, so get over it, people! Anyway, be sure to buy my new book at the front, How to Suck Less Than You Already Do.

 

Counselor: "So why are you here? Let me guess, you've got nothing going for you, you suck at everything you do, you don't have any friends or girlfriends, and it's all your parents' fault, right? I mean, just look at you. What's that on your shirt? Radiohead? What is that, like Radio Shack? Is that where you work now or something? What a future you have ahead of you! Your folks must be really proud! You know what? I can't look at you anymore. Please leave, oh, and tell your mom I'll be picking her up at 7 tonight. Thanks, kid."

 

Teacher: "I just wanna start out by saying, no matter what you say, no matter what you think, no matter what you do, I will always be smarter, better, and awesomer than you! I'll have more money, more women, more private jets, more everything than all of you low-lifes! Well, anyway, welcome to kindergarten."

 

Greeting card writer: "Roses are red, violets are blue, your face is ugly, and so are you. Happy Anniversary."

 

Couples counselor: "Hey beautiful. Who's this guy, your weird cousin? Your husband? Are you serious? Wow... How did a guy like this get a girl like you? You know what? Don't tell me; I don't want to know. So, talk to me, sexy. What do you like to do for fun? Hey, I'm not talking to you, bozo, so shut it! Anyway, where was I? Oh, that's right, Jasmine, what do you enjoy doing with your free time? Oh really? Want to do some of that with me later? How about right now? Okay, Michael, just go up to the front for your bill and I'm going to take your wife to Europe. Ciao!"

 

The next writing is called, “GOP candidates’ personal ads,” and is on pages 48 through 52.

 

GOP candidates' personal ads

For as crazy as this primary season has been in the Republican Party, I thought I'd have a little fun with it. Here now is a list of all 17 GOP candidates who ran for the party's nomination at some point or another over the past year and how I envision them writing personal ads:

 

Jeb Bush: "If there's one word I'd use to describe myself, which no one else would agree with, it'd be 'full of energy.' I mean, my name might be Jeb, but I prefer to go by Jeb!, if that tells you anything. What else? What else? You see? I'm so full of energy, I can't think of anything else to tell you about myself or what I enjoy doing for fun. I suppose I like long walks on the beach, but only when I feel up for it, which is never. Well, if this never-been-experienced-before level of energy interests you and you

wanna hear a guy say 'That's what she said' after enthusiastically screaming my first name, give me a call. I guarantee you this Bush is better than the last one!"

 

Ben Carson: "I'm so tempted to close my eyes while typing this right now. I find myself at my very best when my eyes are closed, which is almost always. I tend to close my eyes when: Sleeping, praying, kissing, talking, driving, walking, performing brain surgery. They say eye contact is important, but I think it's important to focus on the inside of your own eyelids when engaging in a deep conversation. Speaking of which, I just dozed off there. Well, anyway, if you like long naps on the beach and feeling like you're on 24-hour Ambien, get in touch with me. I think we could have a lot of... :: starts snoring ::"

 

Chris Christie: "Hey, you gotta problem? You wanna piece of this? You wanna go? Out to lunch sometime, that is? I know this great romantic joint I go to all the time - Old Country Buffet. I think you'd really like it. Yeah, my exes like to call me a hopeless romantic because, in their words, 'When it comes to romance, you're hopeless,' but trust me, I know how to treat a lady. After hitting up the Old Country Buffet, I'll take you to an upscale show at Chuck E. Cheese, we'll check out some traffic jams on bridges, to which I'll look deep into your eyes and say, 'I built that!' and we'll end the night kicking

back at my favorite dive, 'Suck It Up and Stick It In.' I like long walks on the beach too, but let's not rush things, aiiight? So, yeah, call me, or else..."

 

Ted Cruz: "I wouldn't do it in a tree. Nor in a car. Just leave me fricking be, okay? I won't do it in a box. I won't ever ever do it with a fox. I won't even do it in a house. I definitely won't do it with a mouse. I don't want to do it here nor there. I don't want to do it anywhere. I do not like cunnilingus and Wham! I do not like it, Rafael Edward Cruz, I am. Oh, but I do like long walks on the beach, so long as it's not a gateway to other things... Be sure to contact me to hear more of my one-of-a-kind poems and more!

Yes, I'm a poet and I'm 'aware of it through observation, inquiry, and/or information.'"

 

Carly Fiorina: "First, click on this link. It's a video I've created, unedited, which I think can more truthfully show you who I am. I'll wait for a moment while you do that... Are you back yet? Yes, that was really me. Many people tell me I bear a striking resemblance to Beyoncé, my voice sounds like Whitney Houston, and that I have the moves of Michael Jackson. If anyone tells you otherwise, you just tell them their facts, the actual facts, are wrong! Well, I best keep this short and go moonwalking on the beach. I love doing that! Contact me if you're interested. I know you are..."

 

Jim Gilmore: "Don't think you know me? Trust me, you're not the only one. There are even days when I don't think I know myself anymore. All I know is I like long walks on the beach, want to finally be accompanied by someone on these very walks, and desperately want one person to just know who I am. Please call... I'm begging you! Help me help you get to know me, so I can get to know me and get others to know me too. Send me a telegraph if you're interested. Thanks..."

 

Lindsey Graham: "Oh Lord, dear me... I don't know what to say. This is a first for me... ...when it comes to dating women I mean. I'm not gay. I just have this strange fetish with penises. It's some weird lifetime phase I'm going through, you know? If you'd like to help me get through this never-ending phase, contact me and let's go out. I know this great karaoke bar which has Cyndi Lauper Saturdays. We can do that after we take a long beach on a walk, I mean, a long walk on a beach. Oh my, I'm nervous..."

 

Mike Huckabee: "You know we belong with one another, don't you? The good Lord has been trying to bring us together. Don't fight it. Don't fight the Lord! There's a reason why your first three marriages didn't last and why your fourth one isn't supposed to work out either. It's because God wants you and I to be one. Kim Davis, with my hand in yours, take a long walk with me on the beach, and we can yell hateful things at gays as people walk by, because you know, that's what the all-loving Jesus would want. Amen. Oh yeah, call me. You have my number..."

 

Bobby Jindal: "I've gotta be honest here; I need help. I was once rising high, with a bright future ahead of me, but went limp very quickly, and am having trouble getting it up again. I've tried Viagra, Cialis, even something I got on my AOL account called '50 Shades of Girth,' but nothing seems to work. I think the real problem is what I'm feeling inside. Please help me with my insides by feeling what it's like to be inside you. ...emotionally... Uplift my spirits and everything else about me by joining me on a

long walk on the beach, watching a sunset, star-gazing, or filling out a crossword puzzle. Email me at my AOL address and let's help lift one another up in more ways than we can…, I don't know, in lots of ways."

 

John Kasich: "I'm just going to put it out there - most guys who do what I do are bigger assholes than me, but while I'm known by many as a nice guy, it's all for show. If I tell you I like your hair, I'm probably envisioning someone else's and thinking about how to chop yours off while you're asleep. Actually, that reminds me of a story I've told probably 100 million times, and I'm not exaggerating here... I got set up on a blind date in college one time. I was all nice, trying to at least make a good enough impression on her, so she wouldn't talk bad about me to her friends, especially the really hot one I was into, Chastity McSugartits. So, anyway, I told her how nice she looked and especially

complimented her hair, which I honestly couldn't stand. So when we went back to my dorm, where no one else was present, I roofied her, and gave her a buzz-cut when she was passed out. She freaked out at first when she awoke, but fortunately for me, she decided not to press charges because it was a week before Halloween and she wanted to go as Sinéad O'Connor. So, yeah, if you like long walks on the beach with a guy who's phonier than Monopoly money, give me a shout out. You won't regret it! ...at

first anyway..."

 

George Pataki: "If you like Italian food and long walks on the beach, call me. Yeah, that's all I got. Seriously, though, wouldn't it be awesome to get a call from one of your girlfriends and tell her, ‘I'm taking a long walk on the beach with Pataki in hand’? Or to go to an Italian restaurant and ask for a side of Pataki? It never gets old! Seriously... I know Pataki Laffy Taffy and knock-knock jokes too if you're interested..."

 

Rand Paul: "I've received a lot of flak in the past for allegedly plagiarizing others. That's simply not true, so please don't forget that when reading this, okay? 'Just a small town girl, livin' in a lonely world.' 'I'm a model, you know what I mean.' 'I like big butts and I cannot lie.' 'All I wanna do is zoom-a-zoom-zoom-zoom and a poom-poom.' 'Billie Jean is not my lover.' 'Scaramouche, Scaramouche, will you do the Fandango?' 'Because you know I'm all about that bass.' 'You are the wind beneath my wings.' So, come on, believe all these words I genuinely speak and go on to trust a self-certified optometrist give you all the tips on how to rid yourself of those bloodshot eyes after we smoke a little grass and take a long walk on the beach. Be sure to contact me if you're interested. I can 'see' that you are. Ha-ha. Get it? I'll be here all weekend, folks..."

 

Rick Perry: "I'm going to keep this short and sweet. I can think of three reasons why you should go on a date with me: 1) I'm not yet a felon, 2) Since I started wearing glasses my IQ has shot up from 46 to 68, and 3) I... I... Hmm, I can't seem to remember. Oops... Well, anyway, if you'd like to help me recall what that third reason is while we're walking along the beach and repeatedly counting to two, send me one of those online mail message things or whatever they're called."

 

Marco Rubio: "Let me tell you a bit about myself. First of all, I'm fun, attractive, repetitive, and smart. I also like long walks on the beach. What else? I'm fun, attractive, repetitive, and smart. I'm fun, attractive, repetitive, and smart. Did I mention I was fun, attractive, repetitive, and smart? I don't think I did. Well, in case I didn't, let me just say I'm fun, attractive, repetitive, and smart. Call me if you'd like. Call me. Call me if you want. Call me. Ca... :: system breaks down ::"

 

Rick Santorum: "Before we start anything serious, let me just say I don't believe in sex. While I have kids of my own, I believe they got there the old-fashioned way, like the Virgin Mary did it. So if you have a problem with that, I don't think this relationship is going to work. But, if you're into long prayers on the beach, watching Hallmark Christmas movies in August that I had taped previously, singing Christmas carols outside a Marilyn Manson concert on Valentine's Day, and other such things, simply

talk to the Lord your savior, and he'll answer your prayers by bringing us together. Oh, and when we do meet, you can call me the Virgin Santy."

 

Donald Trump: "I don't mean to brag, ladies, but I'm the greatest. I'm the best. Not only that, but I'm humble about my genius. It's like I always say, 'You can't spell 'awesome' or 'modest' without 'Trump.' True statement. Very very true statement right there. When women shake my hand, I see this incredible look on their faces, as I know what they're thinking. They're thinking, 'This man's hands are so huge, beautiful, and precious; I bet he has other such features on his body.' ...and hey, I can't deny it. Even though they've never actually said that to my face, I can't deny it. But, let me tell you something... I

love women. I absolutely love, adore, cherish, and fantasize about all kinds of women, even my own daughter. If hot women were like golf, I'd want to continually get it in the hole. I mean, seriously, who wouldn't?!? But, honestly, ladies, I'm rich, fantastic in every way, modest like you've never seen, the smartest man you'll ever meet, and I think we should give this a chance. Call my secretary on my private jet, but only if you meet these requirements: 1) You're hot, I mean, super hot, supermodel hot, like fricking hot hot, 2) You like flying over the beach in helicopters, and 3) You have smaller hands

than me (this means you probably have to be under 5'2'')."

 

Scott Walker: "I don't know why this is, but nobody seems to like me. Even when I've run for office, my family has enthusiastically voted against me. So, in other words, I can't be too picky here. So long as you're alive, legal, and don't have a penis, I think we could make this work. So yeah, whether you're 7'2'' and 450 lbs., 4'2'' and 91 lbs., white, black, bright orange, 23, 114, speak English, or only in Klingon, I think I'd enjoy a nice long walk on the beach with you, or watch a Murder She Wrote marathon, or participate in one of those Nintendo video game tournament thingies, or whatever. So, like, call me. You'll have me at 'hello,' I guarantee it, and for once, I'm telling the truth!"

 

My next writing is called “eTrumptyDumpty,” and can be found on pages 55 through 57.

 

eTrumptyDumpty

Well, it's here, what we've all been waiting for - a Donald Trump supporter dating site.

TrumpSingles.com, created by 35-year-old lifetime Republican David Goss, isn't a parody site. It's objective is to bring Trump supporters together and find love in the process. It may cost $4.95 per month, but as always, poking fun of the site is priceless. :: cue the MasterCard commercial theme song ::

 

Given what Trump has said in the past, I envision the following profile of a male TrumpSingles.com member:

 

Self-Summary

 

“I'm like all the other guys, only better. Okay, I'm the best. Modesty can only get a person so far, right? I'm handsome, brilliant, genius really, rich, with lots of money, and yuge. I like long walks on the beach, while holding my massive artillery, and pretending I have Tourette's Syndrome. Sometimes I get a little tired of being the best at everything, but as the saying goes, "You can't spell 'the best and brightest in the world' without 'me,'" right? As they say in the courts, ‘The prostitution rests, your honor.’“

 

What I'm Doing With My Life

 

“Bringing fear to the masses, reigniting long-denied prejudices, you know, making America hate again. I want to ban, deport, and bomb people, because I'm a peacemaker like that.”

 

 

The First Thing People Notice About Me

 

“Probably my unique hair, this Chester Cheetah thing I got going on, my massively small hands, and other massively small things all over my body.”

 

 

Favorite Books, Movies, Shows, Music, And Food

 

“The Bible is for sure the best book in the world. I especially like the following books: Two Corinthians; Dude, You're On Me; Adverbs; oh, and of course, the very first book - Phil Collins. I'm not huge into movies, TV shows, or music, but love what the blacks bring to the table there. As far as food goes, I've got two words for you - taco bowl on Cinco de Mayo.”

 

 

The Six Things I could Never Do Without

 

“1) Deporting foreigners

 

2) Foreign women

 

3) Willy Wonka

 

4) An 'I'd Do Me' bumper sticker

 

5) Gullibility

 

6) A calculator :: checks it ::. Okay, it looks like I'm done with this question.”

 

 

I Spend A Lot Of Time Thinking About

 

“Respecting women, as well as young beautiful pieces of ass”

 

 

On A Typical Friday Night I Am

 

“Probably playing a game I created called Sort Of Jeopardy, where vague answers are given and even vaguer questions are then provided to those answers. For example, the card I'm holding up right now says, ‘This is it.’ So I'd then respond with ‘What is that thing?’ and that'd be right. Very fun game. Very very fun.”

 

 

The Most Private Thing I'm Willing To Admit

 

“In week 2 of our relationship, an ex of mine started providing me a teleprompter for our dates, in fear of what I'd say without it.”

 

 

You Should Message Me If

 

“You're hotter than that sub-10 Heidi Klum. It also helps if you're a foreigner that doesn't speak gooder English than me.”

 

 

The last excerpt I’ll be sharing comes on pages 58 and 59, and is entitled, “Going ‘wherever’ with Donald Trump.”

 

Going "wherever" with Donald Trump

Several months ago Donald Trump drew ire by uttering these words with regard to Fox News personality Megyn Kelly on CNN Tonight: "You could see there was blood coming out of her eyes. Blood coming out of her wherever."

 

While it's debatable whether or not Trump was insinuating Kelly was in the midst of her period, it's not debatable that I'm going to have fun with his quote. Assuming for a moment Trump was referring to Megyn Kelly's special lady parts, expect Trump to make these comments in the future:

 

- "Dude, you better be clean and put a condom on your whatever before you stick it into my daughter's wherever."

 

- "Honey, wherever you go, make sure your wherever doesn't go somewhere it shouldn't, wherever that may be."

 

- "One of my favorite movies of all time has to be Kindergarten Cop. I love that scene where the little boy stands up and says, 'Boys have a penis; girls have a wherever.' Classic scene, just classic, unbelievable."

 

- "You can do whatever you want wherever you want, but don't you dare let your wherever do whatever."

 

- "Be careful with your wherever or else, you know, AIDS."

 

- "As president I feel it's my duty to tell a woman what she can and cannot do with her wherever. If she has a problem with that, then I say whatever to her wherever."

 

- "What I tell guys all over the world is, 'Don't ever trust someone who bleeds out of their wherever a few days every month.'"

 

- "If blood's thicker than wine, then no wine can be thicker than a woman's wherever, you know?"

 

- "I wrote this poem for my beautiful wife, Melania: Roses are red, violets are blue, you have the most beautiful eyes, and wherever too."

 

- "Whenever kids ask me where babies come from, I shrug and tell them matter-of-factly, 'Eh, wherever.'"

 

The book can be purchased on paperback for $13.00 on Lulu and on Kindle for $3.99 on Amazon. If you have any questions on the book, don’t hesitate to ask.

 

That’s it for today’s episode. Until next time, you can check me out on PodBean, Twitter, Amazon, and Blogger. This has been I Feel Snitty, with Craig Rozniecki. Take care.