Transcript for Podcast: "I Feel Snitty," Episode 148: "Take a Look, It's in My Book, It's a Reading Promo - Part 18" is now available!
Podcast: I Feel Snitty
Episode 148: Take a Look, It's in My Book, It's a Reading Promo - Part 18
Premiere Date: 5/5/21
Length: 5:59 (1,002 words)
Link: https://ifeelsnitty.podbean.com/e/take-a-look-its-in-my-book-its-a-reading-promo-part-18/
Transcript:
Welcome to I Feel Snitty, episode 148, entitled, “Take a Look, It’s in My Book, It’s a Reading Promo – Part 18.” I’m your host, Craig Rozniecki.
The second book I released in 2019 was a short book, in a similar vain as The Art of the Steal, entitled, Trumplandia. In this book, I satirized the modern-day Republican Party, which now follows the deluded philosophy known as Trumpism.
To this point, I think this is my personal favorite work. The symbolism is thick, over-the-top, and pretty fricking hilarious, if I do say so myself (and I suppose I just did).
Here now are the first two chapters of Trumplandia.
Chapter 1 - The Great Fence
“…and we are done. Just look at it, son. Aren’t you proud?,” James Bob said to his son, Lil Jim.
“I sure am, dad, bigly!,” responded Lil Jim.
“That’s my boy! With this here fence, you won’t never see no squirrels or other critters get back here again - that I can promise you!”
“But, Big Jim?”
“Yes, son…”
“Didn’t this cost a lot to build?”
“Oh, don’t you worry about that!”
“Why not?”
“We’re going to make our next-door neighbors pay for it.”
“Didn’t we already pay for it, though?”
“You’re a bright little guy. Trust me, I know what I’m doing. You see, son, I paid the store place with fake money and will get paid by our neighbors with real money, so we’ll get all our money back and then some!”
“Isn’t fake money illegal, pa?”
“That it is. That it is.”
“Sooo, how…?”
“Good talk, son. Now let’s go inside and celebrate with some pork, prayer, and porn.”
James Bob, or Big Jim to some, hailed from Hicktown, West Virginia, where he owned a restaurant which went by the name TBR, or The Best Roadkill. Big Jim was a happily married man of 10 days. He met his wife, Amanda Goldteeth, during a raccoon-eating contest at a Family Values Festival and the two hit it off like Shaquille O’Neal and a basketball rim made of Icy Hot. To the marriage, Big Jim brought with him a son - Lil Jim - he traded a four-wheeler for several years ago, and a daughter – Jima - he claims a stork dropped off to him with a note which read, “Three words: Whitesnake concert.”
Amanda Goldteeth-Bob could never have children of her own, so she happily accepted the responsibility of home-schooling Lil Jim and Jima, who were in 11th and 9th grade, respectively. Speaking of respective, James Bob claimed to be a loyal husband and father, a staunch Republican, and a man of God.
Big Jim: “So which porn should we watch today, son?”
Lil Jim: “What’d we watch last week before service?”
Big Jim: “The Ten Cummandments.”
Lil Jim: “That’s right. Are you in the mood for anything? What about that golf one, Get In My Holes!?”
Big Jim: “Nah, too gay for me. That’d be doing a disservice to God.”
Lil Jim: “Amen.”
Big Jim: “Amen. So how about O Cum All Ye Faithful?”
Lil Jim: “Right on! That got great reviews from a Catholic radio station.”
Big Jim: “Ha-ha. I bet it did…”
Lil Jim: “Should I shout up to ma and sis?”
Big Jim: “No, son. Amanda is currently having ‘the big talk’ with your sister.”
Lil Jim: “Oh, oh. Big talk? About what?”
Big Jim: “Where storks come from.”
Chapter 2 - Where There’s a Squirrel, There’s a Way
Lil Jim: “What the hell, dad?!? I see a squirrel in the backyard! …and a rabbit! …and what the hell is that thing?!? I thought the fence was gonna keep ‘em all out!”
Big Jim: “Watch your mouth, son! Nobody says hell in this household! Nobody! What the fuck is wrong with you?!?”
Lil Jim: “Sorry, dad…”
Big Jim: “That’s better. Now let’s figure out what in the hell is going on!”
Lil Jim: “Hey, I thought you said no one could say that word!”
Big Jim: “What word?”
Lil Jim: “You know…”
Big Jim: “How would I know unless you told me?”
Lil Jim: “Because you told me not to say it.”
Big Jim: “Say what?”
Lil Jim: “The word!”
Big Jim: “What word?”
Lil Jim: “To hell if I know anymore!”
Big Jim: “Hey, watch your mouth! No one says that word here!”
Lil Jim: “What word? Oh, to hell with it!”
Big Jim: “Go to your room! I’ll take care of the squirrel, rabbit, and moth by myself!”
Lil Jim: “Fine! But before I go, I have to ask, how did those things get back there with the fence in place?”
Big Jim: “I don’t know, son. I just don’t know. Maybe we just gotta make it bigger, taller, of steel instead of wood, place a giant net over it and the yard, and surround that with some kind of forcefield.”
Lil Jim: “Are the neighbors going to pay for this stuff too, with real money after you buy it with fake money?”
Big Jim: “Don’t get smart with me, boy! Now go to your room before I send you to your room!”
Lil Jim: “But you just did.”
Big Jim: “Did what?”
Lil Jim: “Let’s not do this again! Fine, I’m going to my room.”
Big Jim then waddled over to the stairs like a walrus running the 40-meter dash, before yelling, “Woman? Are you done talking about stork shit with your daughter?”
“Yes, dear,” his wife responded.
“Send her down. It’s about time she learned how to fix dinner!”
“What’s she gonna make?”
“Roasted squirrel nuts. Where’d I put all them guns?”
“Out front on the welcome mat.”
The book can be purchased on paperback for $6.00 on Lulu and on Kindle for $2.99 on Amazon. If you have any questions on the book, don’t hesitate to ask.
That’s it for today’s episode. Until next time, you can check me out on PodBean, Twitter, Amazon, and Blogger. This has been I Feel Snitty, with Craig Rozniecki. Take care.
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