Transcript for Podcast: "I Feel Snitty," Episode 133: "Take a Look, It's in My Book, It's a Reading Promo - Part 3" is now available!

Podcast: I Feel Snitty

Episode 133: Take a Look, It's in My Book, It's a Reading Promo - Part 3

Premiere Date: 5/5/21 

Length: 22:58 (3,758 words)

Link: https://ifeelsnitty.podbean.com/e/take-a-look-its-in-my-book-its-a-reading-promo-part-3/

Transcript: 

Welcome to I Feel Snitty, episode 133, entitled, “Take a Look, It’s in My Book, It’s a Reading Promo – Part 3.” I’m your host, Craig Rozniecki.

 

The third book I wrote was The Kind-Hearted Smartass in 2011. While I wouldn’t call this my favorite work, it may very well hold the most meaning to me.

 

A great deal transpired between my 2^nd and 3^rd books. Just a year after I released The Serious Scale of Sarcasm, I moved from Nebraska to Ohio. Then, for the majority of 2009 and 2010, I was like a pinball between medical facilities in the Columbus and Cleveland areas, as one morning I woke up feeling foggy in the head; tingly in my arms and legs; numb in my mouth; fatigued; and pretty much worthless. Doctors couldn’t seem to pinpoint what was going on. They told me it could be anything from depression to small-fiber sensory neuropathy to arteriovenous malformation to multiple sclerosis. I was told by a neurosurgeon in Cleveland that, if I didn’t undergo spinal surgery immediately, I could lose my legs. Fortunately, I sought additional opinions, because there was almost universally strong dissent from doctors to the aforementioned recommendation. There was growing agreement from the medical community, though, that the symptoms I was experiencing could be permanent.

 

I was rather useless during these two years. I couldn’t think creatively, let alone write. My response-time had slowed to the point where I couldn’t drive. I honestly wondered if I’d ever be able to write again. Then, toward the very tail-end of 2010, I saw a seizure specialist at the Cleveland Clinic, who took me off one seizure medication, placed me on another, and within a week, my symptoms began to wane in number and intensity. In the weeks that followed, I felt increasingly more like myself, and before I knew it, I was back to writing again. Honestly, I couldn’t stop writing. It’s like my mind was filled beyond capacity with ideas, and I had to make up for lost time. So, here it is – five excerpts from my comeback book.

 

This first writing is entitled, “Gotta Love This Saying,” and can be found on page 162.

 

Gotta Love This Saying

 

"It's always the last place that you'd think to look."

 

Yeah, no kidding, because once we've found "it," only a demented fool with Alzheimer's would continue to look.

 

Sharon: "Did you find it, honey?"

 

Joe: "Yes, I did! Finally!"

 

Sharon: "What are you doing?"

 

Joe: "I'm still looking for it!"

 

This next excerpt is entitled, “Penetrating Etymology,” and is can be found on pages 168 through 172.

 

Penetrating Etymology

 

The word “fuck” is arguably seen as the most offensive word in the English language, but was it always seen this way? The word has been recorded in the language since the 15th century and has experienced quite the evolution since its inception. There’s debate on where the term originated and what its initial definition was, but there are several theories. These definitions include: “to strike or push,” “penis,” “to move restlessly; fidget,” “to dally; flirt,” “to make quick movements to and fro; flick,” “to itch or scratch,” and “to plow, as in the fields,” along with many others I’m sure.  So, I thought I’d have a little fun with the word, the theorized definitions of old and what we know the word to mean today. Following will be several statements which include the old theorized definition and a sentence or bit of dialogue utilizing the word in that manner. I may also include some hypothetical definitions, because I have a feeling that could hold some comedic potential as well. Here we go.

 

“To strike or push”

 

Setting: Outside a bar after a fight

 

Officer Christ: “What happened? Did you fuck that man over there?”

 

Paul: “Yes.”

 

Officer Christ: Alright, so about how many times did you fuck him and how many good fucks did you get in?”

 

 

“Penis”

 

Curious virgin friend: “So, have you sucked his fuck yet?”

 

 

“To move restlessly; fidget”

 

“Side effects include: Constipation, diarrhea, dizziness, dry mouth, nausea, drowsiness, rash, blurred vision, fuck, swelling of the mouth and chest pain. If the fuck lasts for longer than four hours, please contact your doctor immediately.”

 

 

“To dally; flirt”

 

Chester: “I really like you, Anna. I was wondering if you wanted to go out sometime?”

 

Anna: ::sighs:: “I like you too Ches, but only as a friend. I’m sorry.”

 

Chester: “But, what about the time you made out with me? Grabbed my junk? Asked if I had protection and when I said no, you said it was too bad, because you really wanted to ride me like John Wayne rode horses?”

 

Anna: “Ches, I’m a big fuck. It’s as simple as that. I fuck with everybody. I even fuck with my first cousins once in a while. It doesn’t mean I LIKE you. I just fuck with a lot, and I mean a LOT of people.”

 

 

“To make quick movements to and fro; flick”

 

Announcer Squeaks: “…and Whitehead drops back to pass. He’s scrambling around. Can’t find anyone open. The cornerback comes in on the blitz. Oh, and would you look at that? With a fuck of the wrist, Whitehead completes a 74-yard touchdown pass to Gonzalez, just as he was getting leveled by Divies! What a pass by Whitehead! I’ve never seen a fuck of the wrist like his before. Look at that wrist - just a simple little fuck. I don’t know about anyone else out there, but I sure wish I could fuck my wrist like that!”

 

 

“To itch or scratch”

 

Tony (directed toward his girlfriend, April): “These damn mosquito bites. Honey, would you mind fucking my back for a little while?”

 

 

“To plow, as in the fields”

 

Jim Bob: “So, you fuckin’ the fields again?”

 

Billy Bob: “Yeah. All day, every day.”

 

Jim Bob: “How long you been fuckin’ them fields?”

 

Billy Bob: “For as long as I can remember. I’ll be fuckin’ them until the day I die.”

 

Jim Bob: “Well, if you ever get tired of that, I’d be happy to fuck them for you.”

 

Billy Bob: “Oh, thanks JB, but I really don’t think that will be necessary. I think my fields like me fuckin’ them. But, hey, I’ll make you a deal. If I hear about any other fields out there that you could fuck, I’ll be sure to let you know.”

 

 

“I’m…” (yes I made this one up)

 

Me (meeting my girlfriend’s family for the first time): “Hi, fuck Craig Rozniecki. Hey there, how are you? Fuck Craig Rozniecki. Gosh, so many people here. Hi, how’s it going? Fuck Craig Rozniecki.”

 

 

“To be abstinent” (yes, I made this one up as well)

 

Mary: “Why risk pregnancy and STD’s by having sex when you can remain pure by fucking?”

 

 

“Love” (once again, I made up this definition)

 

Jeremiah: “Honey, there’s something I need to tell you. I just… I fuck you so much. I’ve never fucked anything before as much as I fuck you. Do you fuck me?”

 

Susanna: “Oh, Jerry, you know I fuck you. I want to fuck you for as long as you’ll let me.”

 

Jeremiah: “Baby, I’d let you fuck me from now until forever.”

 

Susanna: “Oh Jeremiah, you’re so sweet and romantic. If only other couples fucked each other as much as we did.”

 

Jeremiah: “I don’t think that’s possible for how much we fuck each other.”

 

Susanna: “Wanna fuck me tonight?”

 

Jeremiah: “Sweetie, I want to fuck you every night for the rest of my life.”

 

Susanna: “Aw…”

 

This next writing is called “The Macho Man Space Filler,” and can be found on pages 173 through 175.

 

The Macho Man Space Filler

 

Whenever taking a public speaking course, the teacher will utter three words he or she refers to as space fillers - like, uh and um. These words are typically spoken when the speaker pauses for a moment and to prevent silence, even if for just a second, the student will resort to one of these space fillers in an attempt to prevent the momentary silence, in thinking they'll sound more intelligent without pause. Unfortunately, it has the direct opposite effect and makes them sound anything but more intelligent. People whom are referred to as valley girls tend to utilize the word "like" in an abundance and as most of us have heard at least one individual whom says "like" in such a manner, I think we can all say with confidence that this individual came across as the polar opposite of a brainiac. As that label tends to refer to women (valley "girl"), I think I've

come across a similar space filler for males. That space filler? "...and shit". I don't know if this is some kind of code spoken just amongst males or if it becomes a habit shortly after guys turns 2 years of age or if they had aspirations of becoming rappers. I haven't figured that out quite yet. What I have discovered is when placed in certain situations, that space filler, like the word like, can be quite amusing. Let me give a few examples, along with my reactions, of course:

 

Setting: A Wedding

 

Pastor Shaft: "Do you take Harietta to be your your lawfully wedded wife, to love and cherish her? In sickness and in health? For better or for worse? Until death do you part and shit?"

 

Herman: "I do and shit."

 

My reaction: I think it's official that Harietta has found herself a winner. Not only does Herman take her to be his wife, he's also been potty trained. Her standards were quite lofty, but Herman pulled through in the end, well, as far as we know. There are still questions pertaining to the gift Herman's parents bought for the newly-married-childless couple - a lifetime supply of Huggies.

 

 

Setting: Arrest

 

Officer Jelly: "Mike Johnson, you have the right to remain silent and shit..."

 

My reaction: Mr. Jelly may want to exclude those last two words, for if Mike does indeed shit, I have a hunch there won't be much silence following that event, from the officer's end or the shitter's.

 

Setting: Church

Father Pile: "Jesus loves you. He died for you and shit."

 

My reaction: I certainly hope Christianity's savior can partake in the act of shitting. If not, I'm not sure I could believe he existed. Although, if he did exist and wasn't able to do the deed, perhaps I'd be more inclined to believe he did work miracles, that or I'd be extremely worried that he'd explode at any moment.

 

 

Setting: Karaoke

 

Lois: "...and IIIIIIIIIII-eeeee-IIIIII will always love youuuuuuuuuu and shit..."

 

My reaction: Actually, I think these may have been the very lyrics to the cover of this song, done by Bobby Brown, in trying to save his marriage with Whitney Houston.

 

 

Setting: Proposal

 

Jimmy: "I've been thinking about this for a long time and I love you. I've never felt this way about anyone before and more than anything in this world, I want for us to be together until death do us part. What I'm trying to say is, Daria, will you marry me and shit?"

 

My reaction: That's deep. That's romance. That's love right there. I'm thinking I smell a Dane Cook-Jessica Simpson romantic comedy in the works here, entitled, "I Love You Like So Much and Shit".

 

The next writing I’ll be sharing with you is titled “Dream Analysis,” and can be found on pages 218 through 222.

 

Dream Analysis

 

I earned my degree in Psychology. I studied Freud. I've had some dreams that felt so real, I woke up sweating more than a pig walking a desert in Phoenix. There have been times when I go about my day and pause, thinking for a moment, "Wait, didn't I already do this?," because I dreamt it a night or two prior. So, yes, I am fascinated by dreams and believe they can tell us more than we'd think initially. However, if you happen to read a book or go to a site and check through interpretations of different colors, numbers, objects and other things, along with people, that may appear in dreams, some of the symbolism doesn't make a whole lot of sense to me. I'll give you five examples to go along with my commentary, before attempting to think along these same lines to make interpretations of my own for different images that could appear in one's dreams.

 

Maroon - If this color appears in your dream, it's said to symbolize courage, bravery, heroism and strength.

 

My take: Yes, because when I think courage and bravery, maroon immediately springs to mind. Last I heard, the army was thinking about switching from green to maroon camouflage. They'll then need to bring along some maroon spray paint, so they can better blend in with the grass.

 

 

Chipmunk - If a chipmunk makes an appearance in your dream, it suggests that you're holding onto something in the past and that you need to finally let go of that something.

 

My take: I remember reading the biography of Alvin, Simon and Theodore. They all had a rough childhood. Alvin was making money by selling coke in school to classmates. Simon slept with Alvin's girlfriend back in his senior year of high school. Theodore was rejected by a guy he had a crush on for years, Franklin. This prompted word to spread around town and from that point forward, it was common knowledge that Teddy was gay. They just need to get over these mistakes they made and embarrassments they suffered. These events transpired years ago. It's time to let go and move forward.

 

Thirty-Nine - That's right, if the number 39 appears in your dream, it obviously symbolizes understanding, thoughtfulness, meditation and mental superiority.

 

My take: Live 70 years? 80 years? 126 years? I'm sorry. You may have lived for between threequarters and one and one-quarter of a century, but you will always lack the understanding, thoughtfulness and mental superiority of a 39-year old. Maybe there's a reason that when a person turns 40, they are said to be over the hill, because 39 will be the pinnacle of their existence.

 

 

Coconuts - Now, if you see some coconuts in your dream, these supposedly foretell that you'll be receiving an unexpected gift of money shortly.

 

My take: I have a feeling I know how this interpretation came about. A dream analyst was arguing about Freud with who he saw as an amateur when tensions escalated to the point of a food fight. The only things that were in a close proximity to them were coconuts. As a result, the analyst got knocked in the head with a couple coconuts by the amateur. Following these events, the analyst collapsed, appeared in a daze, before he blurted out, "Do you see that? It's money! A whole lot of money! It was a gift!"

 

 

Parking Lot - If you see yourself in a parking lot during the course of a dream, this suggests that you need to take things a bit slower and take some time to relax from all of your daily activities.

 

My take: This actually makes sense. I saw a study which was released recently and it revolved around the effectiveness of relaxation. In this study, it was found that the five following activities were the most relaxing, counting down from five: 5) Going to a movie, 4) Watching television, 3) Reading a book, 2) Sleeping and 1) Chilling in a parking lot.

 

Barbara: "Where are you going, sweetie?"

 

George: "It's been a long week. I need some time to relax."

 

Barbara: "Ah, going to the parking lot again?"

 

George: "Yeah, don't wait up for me."

 

Okay, so those were actual dream interpretations. Now it's my turn. Here we go...

 

Green - If the color green is present in your dream, I have some good news for you. Before long, you will be making a lot of money with a lawn service you'll call "Getting High On Your Grass".

 

Grey - Chances are, if your dream possesses the color gray, you were Wile E. Coyote in a past life.

 

Orange - A restraining order may be in the works if you dream of the color orange. It means that an ex-girlfriend of yours is quite angry with you and regardless if it's October or not, she wants to carve you up like a pumpkin. Be on the lookout!

 

Yellow - If you dream of yellow, I suggest you buy a lot of condoms, because you'll be getting around, more so than usual.

 

Blue - Blue is a very interesting color as far as dream interpretations go. Assuming you're a parent or will be someday, blue simply means that a child of yours will one day believe he or she is a smurf and will need an evaluation and pills, before being taken to the loony bin. I always said that video games and rock music weren't bad influences on our children. It's all about the smurfs.

 

Dog - A dog symbolizes that you'd like someone to play with you and since you haven't been played with for so long, you wish you could lick your own balls.

 

Mime - This illustrates your idea of a perfect date or marriage.

 

12 - The number 12 suggests that you will play professional football (American) one day, wear the #12 and change your last name to Uno Dos.

 

A Tree - In a dream, a tree showcases your strange fascination with monkeys, wishing you could be one for a day so you could chuck your dung at random people.

 

Darth Vader - This means that you have a very unusual taste in fashion.

 

Hummer - Dreaming of a hummer is due to what we dream analysts refer to as average-size penis envy.

 

Fight - This is foreshadowing a bar brawl you'll get into next weekend over whether or not Santa Claus is real. Judging by the red stocking cap you're wearing in July and the shirt which reads "My Ho's Come About Year Round," you're the believer.

 

Dancing - This just provides a flashback of when you tried doing The Robot to the song

"Unchained Melody" at your senior prom.

 

Fruit - You're going to host a party in the next couple weeks where you only invite guys and you spend all night bobbing for one another's apples.

 

Golf - This depicts a fear you have that Tiger Woods is using his wood to drive the ball toward your wife's holes.

 

The final excerpt I will be sharing can be found on pages 225 through 227, and is entitled, “Doctors Crack Me Up Sometimes (not literally…).”

 

Doctors Crack Me Up Sometimes (not literally…)

 

So, I went to the doctor's this past Monday. I'm heading northbound to Michigan tomorrow to see family over Memorial Day weekend. Sunday morning, I felt soreness in my throat, which tends to mean one thing - The worst is yet to come. I then began feeling a tad warm that afternoon and the quantity of symptoms increased into Monday, as my body felt sore and achy, I was overlytired, had a stuffy nose, plugged ears, etc. Luckily (well, kind of), I was able to schedule an appointment for later that afternoon.

 

Right when the nurse practitioner walked in, she, like most other doctors upon seeing a patient, asked me in a very cheerful tone of voice, "So, how's it going for you today?"

 

I just wanted to respond, "Dandy! That's why I'm here! I wanted to make an appointment to chitchat for a bit and if you're hungry, perhaps I could take you out for lunch. My treat!"

 

When I hear doctors ask this question in such a tone, I envision the following dialogue:

 

Dr. Duh: "So, Nicole, how's it going for you today?," he asks in a chirpy tone with a wide grin on his face.

 

Nicole: "Well, you know, I didn't have much to do today and was in the neighborhood, so I thought I'd stop in, schedule an appointment and say hello."

 

Dr. Duh: "Well, that was very nice of you, Nicole. Have we met before?"

 

Nicole: "No. I just had this urge to spend some money and what better way to spend $25 than on a co-pay for a doctor's appointment?"

 

Dr. Duh: ::chuckles:: "Yes, well, I sincerely appreciate your business. Now, I don't mean to pry, but isn't there something else you'd rather be doing than paying money to say hello to a doctor?"

 

Nicole: "Not really. I mean, I could have gone to a movie, but there's not much out that I want to see right now. There are a couple of comedies, but I'm not in the mood for laughter. I'd much rather have needles inserted in my arms and swabs down my throat than that. Speaking of which, can you do that please?"

 

Dr. Duh: "For what reason?"

 

Nicole: "Just because. Out of boredom. Whatever. Take your pick."

 

Dr. Duh: "Do you have any symptoms, a condition which would necessitate such procedures?"

 

Nicole: "I think I had strep and I also haven't been tested for STD's."

 

Dr. Duh: "When did you have strep?"

 

Nicole: "Six years ago."

 

Dr. Duh: "I see. Well, I think we can bypass the throat culture then. Now, about the STD's, are you serious about getting tested?"

 

Nicole: "Of course I am."

 

Dr. Duh: "Okay. Well, I have to ask. Are you sexually active now?"

 

Nicole: "Do you see me having sex right now?"

Dr. Duh: "No, not right this very instant. I mean, is there someone you're sexually active with during the course of the week?"

 

Nicole: "No."

 

Dr. Duh: "Alright. When's the last time you were sexually active?"

 

Nicole: "Never."

 

Dr. Duh: "Never? How long has it been?"

 

Nicole: "I'm a virgin."

 

Dr. Duh: "In that case, I think we can hold off on the testing for that also."

 

Nicole: "Man! Where can a girl go to get needles put in her arm and swabs down her throat? So Doc, let me ask you a question - How are YOU doing today?"

 

Dr. Duh: "Honestly? Agitated."

 

Nicole: "Exactly."

 

The book can be purchased on paperback for $25.60 on Lulu and on Kindle for $4.99 on Amazon. If you have any questions on the book, don’t hesitate to ask.

 

That’s it for today’s episode. Until next time, you can check me out on PodBean, Twitter, Amazon, and Blogger. This has been I Feel Snitty, with Craig Rozniecki. Take care.