Transcript for Podcast: "I Feel Snitty," Episode 136: "Take a Look, It's in My Book, It's a Reading Promo - Part 6" is now available!

Podcast: I Feel Snitty

Episode 136: Take a Look, It's in My Book, It's a Reading Promo - Part 6

Premiere Date: 5/5/21 

Length: 48:00 (7,756 words)

Link: https://ifeelsnitty.podbean.com/e/take-a-look-its-in-my-book-its-a-reading-promo-part-6/

Transcript: 

Welcome to I Feel Snitty, episode 136, entitled, “Take a Look, It’s in My Book, It’s a Reading Promo – Part 6.” I’m your host, Craig Rozniecki.

 

In 2012, I really began finding my political voice, and used this to start a political satire series by the name of LOL at the GOP. This resulted in a guest appearance on The Tony Stiles Show, a mention on The Norman Goldman Show, a growing Twitter account, and a better sense of direction on where I wanted to go with my work.

 

As could be expected, the first book of the series is probably the least polished, but is still a solid effort, in my opinion. It received a great deal of praise; opened up a lot of avenues for me; and I definitely wouldn’t be where I’m at today without it.

 

On that note, here are five excerpts from my very first LOL at the GOP book.

 

This first writing can be found on pages 7 through 11, and is entitled, “How to Effectively Talk Politics with an Uber-Conservative Evangelical Republican.”

 

How to Effectively Talk Politics with an Uber-Conservative Evangelical Republican

It can be quite the arduous task trying to engage in political dialogue with a hard-core evangelical conservative Republican and attempt to get them to at least see your more moderate or liberal viewpoint and perhaps even alter their mind ever so slightly on one topic or another. In fact, I believe I've had more success attempting to fly off roofs using only my arms to aid me from plummeting to the ground. My doctors may disagree with me on that front, however (front, back, sides, etc.).

 

After experiencing such conversations before, having little success and pondering about the perfect scenario of how the practice could be perfected, I've come up with a series of tips on how to win over the mind and heart (figuratively, of course) of a die-hard conservative and welcome them to the dark side (aka liberalism). Please note that these tips are for the most religious and conservative of Republicans. The more moderate, liberal, independent-thinking Republicans are generally reasonable people whom can and will engage in civilized discourse with a more liberal-minded individual. So, I mean no offense to them. But for the Pat Robertsons of the world, James Dobsons, Sean Hannitys, Rush Limbaughs, Ted Nugents and Elmer Fudds, yes, I mean offense and plenty of it. Here we go...

 

Do's

1) Mention HIM - No, I'm not talking about The Jesus, but the so-called savior of the Republican Party - Ronald Reagan. Republican leaders and talking heads use the name Ronald Reagan like a "valley girl" uses the word "like" - "...and like, oh my God, like totally, like for sure" or for Republicans - "...and Ronald Reagan, oh my God, Ronald Reagan totally, Ronald Reagan for sure." Yes, it's that bad, perhaps worse. I may have been "mis"underestimating some (a sincere thanks to George W. Bush for that word). I would mirror this in a way and utter Ronald Reagan's name up to 11 times - once for every time he raised taxes. Also, try to lump him in with Hollywood, which these die-hard conservatives tend to loathe and label as crazy liberals. Rumor has it that the former president was an actor at one point in his life.

 

Here's an example of what I'm talking (writing, I suppose) about - "Yeah, Hollywood has gotten pretty extreme in their liberalism. You know who my favorite actor of all-time is? Ronald Reagan. I still can't believe he raised taxes all those times, can you?"

 

No, his raising taxes as president has absolutely nothing to do with him being an actor, but remember - these are extreme evangelical conservatives. The less sense your argument makes, the more likely it is to make sense to them.

 

2) Be Holy - What do I mean by this? Bring a Bible. This will make the conservative(s) think you're one with Jesus and be more prone to taking your words seriously. It doesn't matter if the Bible you're carrying has a large hole cut in the center of it to place your joints or not. So long as it looks like a Bible, you're set. Just make sure that if you have placed joints in it, to not be so high during the conversation that you completely forget about them. It's very possible that at some point during the discussion, your conservative companion will ask to have a look at your Bible in order to find a

particular scripture and if you hand it over with joints making their presence known in the Lord's good book, chances are you'll be arrested not long after that. If this conservative is a cop, I'd probably recommend to leave the joints in a "safe place" and no, not in your pants. If the before-mentioned scenario occurs (minus the joints) and the cop asks about the hole, just tell him or her that you ran out of toilet paper for a while, but through the power and magic of Jesus, you were handed scissors and a Bible while you were taking care of business in the bathroom and that ever since that miraculous

moment, you believe in the power of prayer. The cop will eat that up (not literally, I hope not anyway). Amen.

 

3) Dress to Impress - Wear overalls, a buck teeth mouthpiece - go all out! Look like a "real American" as far-right conservatives call it. If you can pull off a decent Southern accent and bring with you a cute incest-curious cousin, that'd be even better. Just make sure this "cousin" of yours isn't of the same gender as yourself, otherwise your conservative pal will likely bop you over the head with the Bible you're holding and steal your joints in the process.

 

4) The United States of the Dukes of Hazzard - Bring an American flag. If that's not possible, wear a lapel pin sporting the flag. The ideal scenario would be to find a way to show off both the American and Confederate flags. It's all about "patriotism" or the image of it to many of these people. It doesn't matter if a person bangs his wife's best friend, twin sister and twin brother, it's all about outsiders believing this couple loves one another and is happy. Now, when the neighbors start hearing the man's wife's twin sister's kids call out "daddy" and run into the wife's husband's arms, they may start

wondering. Similarly, it doesn't matter what you say or do, so long as you're sporting the stars and stripes.

 

5) Armed and Courageous - That's right - bring a gun! Make sure it's legal for you to carry one and that it's not loaded, otherwise bring a realistic-looking toy gun. Colorful Super Soaker squirt guns, although fun in the hot summer, wouldn't be recommended for this type of gathering. If anyone gives you a funny look upon seeing your gun (no pun intended...), blurt out, "It's my second amendment right! I can be trusted! I only accidentally shot myself those eleven times and just once last week!"

 

Summary - With a Bible in one hand, a Confederate flag in the other, an American flag lapel pin placed on your overalls while sporting a buck teeth mouthpiece and a gun in your holster, as you mention the name Ronald Reagan several times, your Republican friend will listen to you more closely than deaf people listen to mimes.

 

Don't's

1) Too Soon For the "L" Word - Stay away from the "L" word, especially if it's your first such discussion with this person. You don't want to scare them away too soon. No, I'm not talking about "love," but "liberal". Don't, under any circumstance, call yourself a liberal. Tolerant, moderate and independent are all labels that could work when describing yourself. If you're feeling really crazy, you could use the word progressive, but that may be better suited for a second or third conversation with this individual. Whenever many conservatives hear the word "liberal," they hear the word "devil". Both

words contain an "i," "e" and "l". The "d," "v," "b," "r," "a" and other "l" are irrelevant. It's just like when they hear the word "conservative," they hear the word "God". Both words have an "o" in them. Strangely enough, the words "virgin" and "prostitute" have more letters in common than "conservative" and "God," but that's entirely different I suppose.

 

2) Numbers and Logic Are For Pussies - That's right. According to many of these people, the media is liberally-biased, so it's almost certain that if you spout numbers that support your argument and discredit theirs, they'll come back by saying that the news media is liberal and you should watch Fox "News," because they're fair and balanced. Logic likely won't work to your advantage either. It'd probably be best to make up stories and see if your listener bites any. Before you get to the storytelling, though, buy your new friend some milk and cookies, provide them with a stuffed animal and blanket, sit him or her down and let your imagination run wild. Be sure to begin your tale by saying, "The following is based on a true story." The story could center around an octopus named Larry. Larry lived just off the coast of the Hawaiian Islands. He was a Republican, but due to voter-suppression laws that were passed and him not having an ID, he and his Republican friends and family members weren't allowed to vote. Perhaps pause at this point and ask your Republican listener what he or she thinks about that before going any further. When you do finally conclude your story, conclude it with the two words, "True story." In case you have a bizarrely inquisitive Republican in front of you, be certain to have created a Wikipedia page for Larry the Octopus preceding this discussion.

 

3) Be One of Them - No, not a far-right conservative evangelical Republican. What I mean is, please don't be black, gay, Hispanic, Arab, Muslim, female, transgender, bisexual or Marilyn Manson. If you're not as white as Casper, not as male as Arnold Schwarzenegger and not as "straight" as a ruler, you might as well not show up for the talk.

 

4) Kids Are Annoying - What this means is you probably shouldn't ask a great quantity of questions. Sure, questioning is a sign of curiosity and interest to most people, but is a sign of weakness to uber-conservatives. If you haven't met before, don't even ask for the person's name if you can help it. Just look him in the eyes (assuming he's not a Cyclops) and say, "Hey, Bob. It's nice to see you." Say it with such certitude that he hesitates for a moment, wondering if his name really is Bob, when it's actually

Jeremiah. You are, however, always allowed to respond to a question of his with a question of your own. This will piss him off more than a man on steroids who can't find his penis when going to a urinal at a Hooter's restaurant.

 

5) Webster Sucks - You should probably stray away from big words during your discussion. The more of these words you use, the more your Republican amigo will think you're "elitist" and "intellectual," and that's a big no-no in conservative circles. If you happen to use some choice four-letter words, you will have your Bible handy. Just ask for forgiveness every time you utter such a word. Double-negatives, contradictions, and caveman-speak are also encouraged. It may not make sense to 99% of the English-speaking population, but perhaps this person, along with Larry the Octopus, is part of that "special" 1%.

 

Summary - If you stay away from numbers, logic, big words, don't ask many questions or refer to yourself as a liberal, and aren't black, gay, Hispanic, Arab, Muslim, female, bisexual, transgender or Marilyn Manson, you may have a genuine shot at converting this hard-core conservative some. You may have a better shot at turning heroin into Pepto-Bismol, but it's still worth a try. Best of luck!

 

This next piece is titled, “Republicans Inquire Jesus,” and can be found on pages 23 through 29.

 

Republicans Inquire Jesus

Michael Buffer: "Before we get started today, I must go over a few things. As you all know by now when we gave you body cavity searches, cameras are not allowed at this event. Our speaker could be blinded by the flash and as a result, the world could end. Guns are allowed, however. I see a couple of rocket launchers over there. Very nice. How are you doing, junior? Is that too heavy for you? No? That's my boy! Well, since our guest knows everything, there really isn't any need for you to ask the questions. However, as no one else here knows everything, I'm sure our guest will understand us doing so. When any of you ask a question, please be kind, courteous and halfway intelligent. With all of that in mind, I ask that you put your hands together to welcome the man who guides the Republican Party, who makes robes and sandals look cool, who saved every one of us...here is the one, the only, Jesus H. Christ!"

 

JC: "Alright. Far out. I'm ready for my first question. Yes, you over here in the camouflage...Brian, right?"

 

Brian Kumquat: "Wow, you really do know everything! When will I next get laid?"

 

JC: "By a real human?"

 

Kumquat: "Yeah!"

 

JC: "When the Cubs win the World Series, you'll still have several years to wait. Was that your question?"

 

Kumquat: "No. Here's my question... Okay, how do you think we take care of the Muslims over there in the Middle East? Afghanistan? Iraq? Iran? I think we should just bomb them all. What about you?"

 

JC: "Put away your sword. Those who use the sword will die by the sword." (Matthew 26:52)

 

Kumquat: "Do you hear that everybody? Jesus wants us to use swords! I only have seven guns. Looks like it's time to stock up on swords too! Thanks, Jesus!"

 

JC: "That's not what I said. I said put your sword back in its place."

 

Kumquat: "But I don't have a sword."

 

JC: "Then put your gun back in its place."

 

Kumquat: "All seven of them?"

 

JC: "As I said, '...for those who live by the sword, die by the sword'."

 

Kumquat: "I don't have a sword!"

 

JC: "Nevermind. Next..."

 

Billy Ray Demolition: "But your Jesus...ness... Muslims are our enemies, both to you and the greatest country in the world - the United States of America! Yee-haw! So, if you don't think we should kill them with swords, what should we do?"

 

JC: "Do not repay anyone evil for evil. Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everyone. If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone. Do not take revenge, my dear friends, but leave room for God's wrath, for it is written: 'It is mine to avenge; I will repay.' On the contrary: 'If your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink. In doing this, you will heap burning coals on his head.' Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome with good." (Romans 12:17-21)

 

Demolition: "So, what? You want us to buy them all beers? I brought seven 24-packs of Bud Light for myself today. I suppose I could share maybe four or five of them."

 

JC: "Four or five of the 24-packs? You are a very generous man."

 

Demolition: "No. No. Four or five cans of beer."

 

JC: "I have a feeling I may need four or five 24-packs by the time this is finished."

 

Demolition: "What?"

 

JC: "Nothing. Yes, feel free to offer beer to the enemies."

 

Demolition: "What if they say no? Should we shoot them?"

 

JC: "::sighs:: No. Okay, next question... please..."

 

Jimmy Cracka: "Okay, how about them Democrats? Liberals? They're going to hell, right? They've sinned! Their whole lives are sins! Especially that Hillary Clinton! Am I right or am I right?"

JC: "He who is without sin among you, let him be the first to throw a stone at her." (John 8:7)

 

Cracka: "I'm without sin! I believe in you!"

 

JC: "That may be true, but you've still sinned."

 

Cracka: "But them liberals - they're the real sinners, right?"

 

JC: "Why?"

 

Cracka: "Because, they believe in abortion and gay stuff!"

 

JC: "You're going to deny to me that you're a sinner?"

 

Cracka: "Well..."

 

JC: "Remember that time when you stole money from a homeless blind kid to buy some Playgirl magazines?"

 

Cracka: "But..."

 

JC: "Or that time you stole some Bibles and handed them out to homeless blind kids?"

 

Cracka: "Well, I thought..."

 

JC: "I'm sorry to tell you this, but Cracka, you're just as much of a sinner as liberals or Democrats. Next question..."

 

Charles Jackpot: "But, you have to admit that Democrats are socialists, right? This is a capitalist country which founded itself upon the fact that if you work hard, you will be successful. Democrats want to re-distribute the wealth. They want to give handouts to people who don't work as hard. That's not right, is it?"

 

JC: "People who want to get rich fall into temptation and a trap and into many foolish and harmful desires that plunge men into ruin and destruction. For the love of money is a root of all kinds of evil. Some people, eager for money, have wandered from the faith and pierced themselves with many griefs." (1 Timothy 6:9-10)

 

Jackpot: "Wait. Money is evil? The root of all evil? It's the people with the money who create the jobs in this country, right? They're the ones that work hard to keep this country going, the ones that deserve the tax breaks, the multiple mansions, dozens of cars and several mistresses named Stella, right?"

 

JC: "I assure you: It will be hard for a rich man to enter the kingdom of heaven. Again I tell you, it is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the kingdom of God." (Matthew 19:23-24)

 

Jackpot: "What if a guy has enough money to fit a camel through the eye of a needle?"

 

JC: "If you or anyone else can fit a camel through the eye of a needle, I will guarantee you a spot in heaven. Knowing first-hand that that's not possible, I suggest you find another way of doing so."

 

Jackpot: "What about a baby camel?"

 

JC: "That would be fine."

 

Jackpot: "Camel cigarettes?"

 

JC: "No."

 

Jackpot: "What if I named a tiny bug camel?"

 

JC: "Please, sir, don't make me sin... Next question..."

 

George Blab: "Alright, so we've already established that the Democrats are socialists and going to hell..."

 

JC: "::sighs:: No, but go on."

 

Blab: "Do you ever notice that they are all quiet about you and their religious beliefs? It's like they're ashamed or something. We Republicans, we want the world to hear how much we love you! When we pray, we want the world to be watching! What was it, on National Prayer Day that the socialist Muslim communist Marxist Kenyan in office prayed in private? What the hell, right?"

 

JC: "And when you pray, you shall not be as the hypocrites are: for they love to pray standing in the synagogues and in the corners of the streets, that they may be seen of men. Verily I say unto you, They have their reward. But you, when you pray, enter into your closet, and when you have shut your door, pray to your Father which is in secret; and your Father in secret shall reward you openly." (Matthew 6:5-6)

 

Blab: "Wait...are you saying we have to be homosexuals to pray and preach our love for you?"

 

JC: "When on earth did I say that?"

 

Blab: "You talked about praying in closets and shit. I ain't going into no closet! What happens when I come out? I'll go to hell if I'm one of those homosexuals! That's an abomination!"

 

JC: "Who said that?"

Blab: "You did!"

 

JC: "I never said that."

 

Blab: "So you really do want us all to be gay?"

 

JC: "I never said that either."

 

Blab: "I don't get it."

 

JC: "...and I doubt you ever will..."

 

Blab: "Huh?"

 

JC: "Precisely... Ladies and gentleman, it has been my pleasure spending time with you today and answering your questions, but I must now go. Before I do, though, I leave you with these words - 'A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another'." (John 13:34)

 

Kumquat: "Except for the Arabs!"

 

Demolition: "...and Muslims!"

 

Cracka: "...and liberals!"

 

Jackpot: "...and socialists!"

 

Blab: "...and homo people!"

 

Everyone in attendance: "...and women!"

 

JC: "Oh, Jesus H. Christ..."

 

This next writing is called, “GOP Candidates’ Political Ads…as I’d like to see them…,” and is on pages 30 and 31.

 

GOP Candidates' Political Ads...as I'd like to see them...

Rick Santorum

"I'm a good gay-fearing, Jesus-loving, well-off, conservative family man who is fearful of getting off. I oppose sex education. I oppose safe sex. I oppose abortion. It's pretty simple math and logic when you don't think about it. If we teach our children about all of the possible end results of having sex, they'll probably resort to using contraceptives for safe sex. With an increase in contraception-use, there too will be an increase in unwanted pregnancies and with that, abortions. It'd be like in baseball - if a batter

hits a ball forward, he's more likely to have just struck out than someone who swung at strike three. I'm Rick Santorum and I approve this message. Unlike safe sex, be safe and vote for me."

 

Mitt Romney

"The liberal media wants you to believe I don't know what I want. Believe me, I know what I want. I want you to like me. I want you to like me when I'm pro-life and pro-choice, when I'm pro- and anti-Planned Parenthood, when I support my healthcare plan and reject President Obama's identical version of it. Like I said, I know what I want - I want you to like me. I'm Mitt Romney and I approve this message, unless you don't, then I don't either."

 

Ron Paul

"I don't believe in government. It spends too much money and has too much power. It never gets anything done. Make me the leader of our government and I'll make sure to keep an eye on it and continue to make sure nothing gets done. Every bill I get on my desk will be vetoed. Just because a person doesn't believe in government, doesn't mean he shouldn't be the leader of it. I'm Ron Paul and I approve this message, disapprove of government and approve being elected to rule the government that

I disapprove."

 

Newt Gingrich

"I'm not a nice man. We don't want a nice man as our president. We want foreign leaders to be afraid of our president. Trust me, with a name like Newt, they'll be afraid of me. Think about it. Women don't like me. I've been married three times. Blacks, Mexicans, bearded ladies and slugs don't like me either. The most important people - old white men - are the only ones that like me. Let me tell you, after I'm elected and serve seven terms as your president, I will have flown to the moon in a hot-air balloon,

lived on the moon for one term, made polygamy legal and will re-marry my two ex-wives and marry four more. Elect me and perhaps I'll marry you too. I'm Newt Gingrich and I approve this message. Elect me and erect me."

 

This writing is called, “The Mitt Romney I-Love-Everyone Tour,” and can be found on pages 44 through 52.

 

The Mitt Romney I-Love-Everyone Tour

While it's true that most every experienced politician has put so much time into pandering to potential voters they could have earned multiple doctorate's in the practice by now, Mitt Romney has taken the art to an entirely different level. Years from now, "Romneying" will be added to the dictionary, defined as "excessive pandering" or "the god of pandering".

 

For example, when he spoke in Alabama, Romney had a surprise on hand for his audience – Randy Owen - the lead singer of the band Alabama. What did Romney request Mr. Owen sing? Lynyrd Skynyrd's "Sweet Home Alabama," of course. It'll be interesting to see if this trend continues in other states. I'd like to see him find a singer from a band by the name of Pennsylvania, singing a song with a title similar to "Pennsylvania Is So Beautiful To Me". I wish him the very best with that.

When the Republican candidate spoke in Mississippi, he said, "I am learning to say y'all and I like grits, and things. Strange things are happening to me."

 

For the record, Mr. Romney was born in Michigan and has lived the majority of his years in Massachusetts. When one thinks of Southern accents and grits, if Michigan and Massachusetts don't immediately spring to mind, something is seriously wrong with that person.

 

Speaking of Michigan, when the GOP candidate spoke here, he said the following:

"I was born and raised here. I love this state. It seems right here. The trees are the right height. I like seeing the lakes. I love the lakes. There's something very special here--the great lakes, but also all the little inland lakes that dot the parts of Michigan. I love cars. I don't know, I mean, I grew up totally in love with cars. It used to be in the '50s and '60s if you showed me one square foot of almost any part of a car, I could tell what brand it was, and model, and so forth. Now, with all the Japanese cars, I'm not quite so good at it, but I still know the American cars pretty well and drive a Mustang. I love cars. I love American cars. And long may they rule the world, let me tell you." Well, Romney may not be a supporter of many gay rights or of marijuana legalization, but after hearing

this quote, I have to believe he's a supporter of object sexuality and also ecstasy. He comes across here as an exaggerated version of Steve Carell's character – Brick - in the film Anchorman. Brick mentioned that he loved a lamp, but imagine if he had been on ecstasy at the time and he'd probably sound an awful lot like Romney did here.

Now, fortunately or unfortunately, depending on whom you ask, there's more than one side to Mitt Romney. While he may well be known in the future as the god of pandering, as the dictionary will state, "Romneying" will carry with it another definition - the god of failed pandering. Like with Mitt's politics, Webster's future definition of him will go both ways. It's difficult for a guy, whose estimated worth is around $200 million, to be able to relate to average folk. The guy tries, but like a man with Tourette's Syndrome auditioning to become a mime, Romney can't relate to average folk.

 

For example, when he was campaigning in Michigan, Romney said, "I drive a Mustang and a Chevy pickup truck, Ann (his wife) drives, a couple of Cadillacs, actually. And I used to have a Dodge truck, so I used to have all three covered.”

 

Ah, so two Cadillacs, eh? The average price of one is between $35,000 and $49,000 (so we'll split those numbers and say $42,000, which multiplied by two is $84,000). What is the medium household income in the state of Michigan? A little over $48,000. For a year's work, a family could purchase one of these Cadillacs and still have $6,000 left over for everything else. On second thought, they may want to buy two Cadillac Matchbox cars and focus their attention on not starving, dehydrating, freezing,

contracting herpes and all of that fun stuff.

 

When he was in Florida, near the time of the Daytona 500, Romney was asked how closely he followed the “sport” of NASCAR and responded with, "Not as closely as some of the most ardent fans, but I have some friends who are NASCAR team owners."

 

This kind of chatter continued when the Republican talked about football and said, “I’ve got a lot of good friends — the owner of the Miami Dolphins and the New York Jets — both owners are friends of mine."

 

That's a good way to relate to average folk. There are 32 NFL teams, 30 or so NASCAR team owners, all making so much money that there have been reports of these individuals making homemade clothing out of $100 bills. Yeah, Mitt knows that relating to 60 some odd uber-wealthy individuals in a country of over 310,000,000 people is the right way to go if he wants to appeal to average folk. With those kinds of numbers, I might suggest that in his next speech, Mitt tells his audience that he's friends with a number of aliens, ghosts, chimpanzees and polygamists. Eh, he may want to steer clear of that last one.

 

Mitt has even gone so far with his pandering/failed pandering, that he's simply made things up. When he was speaking to a crowd in Michigan, the human robot talked about how he personally remembered The Golden Jubilee, which happened to include one of the last public appearances made by Henry Ford. This event took place on June 1st of 1946. When was Romney born? March 12th of 1947 - a full nine months after the event. Mitt might as well also claim that he remembers being present during The Gettysburg Address, Christ's crucifixion and holding firm on a position (non-sexually-related).

 

Keeping all of the before-mentioned panderings and failed panderings in mind, I now bring to you the Mitt Romney I-Love-Everyone Tour, where he will pander to those in the...well, everywhere. Here we go...

 

Alabama - "So, I hear that you can be either an Alabama fan or an Auburn fan. Let me tell you, I always root for both Alabama and Auburn, even when they play against one another!"

 

Alaska - "The fish here is great, especially the Halibut! Being a vegetarian, I must say that my only weak spot is Alaskan Halibut, and also beef, I suppose."

 

Arizona - "The Southwest is great! I actually bought a cactus for a kid one time - a sweet little blind kid named Rufus."

 

Arkansas - "I really like it here in Little Rock - the capital city of this great state! It reminds me of my favorite song - 'Like a Rock'. Speaking of which, ladies and gentlemen, singing Bob Seger's 'Like a Rock,' here is Toby Keith!"

 

California - "A lot of people don't know this, but I was born on a beach and I've always wanted to surf. The one thing that's held me back? Fear of the piranhas."

 

Colorado - "I climbed a mountain here once - Everest - and actually know the guy it was named after - Mr. Everest."

 

Connecticut - "Here we are in Bristol - the home of ESPN. I love sports. I really do. I get the best seats at the Super Bowl every single year and for free, if you can believe that!"

 

Delaware - "This is actually my first time in the state of Delaware and I already like it. I don't know you people, but I like you people. I don't know myself sometimes, but I hope you like me too."

 

Florida - "I used to hang out with Walt Disney. We actually went boating together. I even bought the guy a few boats – yachts, in fact."

 

Georgia - "The peaches are really great here. My mom always told me that the first food I ever ate was a peach. I didn't eat baby food. I ate 20 peaches that day. The second food I ate was a steak."

 

Hawaii - "I love the pineapples here! It's my favorite vegetable. I actually get them sent to me from here for free! These are the kinds of things that happen when you're rich."

 

Idaho - "Potatoes are awesome! I want them each and every meal! Sometimes for a meal, I'll only eat potatoes. I remember one Thanksgiving, when everyone else at the table was eating turkey and stuffing; I just ate mashed potatoes. That day and every day, I'm thankful for potatoes."

 

Illinois - "You know who I always pull for come football season? Da Bears! That Mark Zitka was a heck of a coach!"

 

Indiana - "When I think of Indiana, the Indy 500 is the first thing that comes to mind. I drove a race car once. I ended up buying the thing with just some pocket change I had on me."

 

Iowa - "It's kind of funny. The word Iowa has four letters and three syllables. My name has three syllables also - Mitt Romney, but it has many more letters, kind of like my money, as I have much more than this entire state does."

 

Kansas - "The yellow brick road is here, isn't it? I love that story, I mean really love that story. Nothing beats Alice in Wonderland!"

 

Kentucky - "So, this is the Bluegrass state, huh? I sure do like blue grass, not as much as green grass, but still. Ha! That's some good ol' Mitt Romney humor for you all. I don't bring that out very often. I must really like you people."

 

Louisiana - "Mardi Gras sure is a lot of fun, isn't it? How much do those beads cost anyway? You know what I think I'm going to do? Find my name in the Guinness Book of World Records for number of beads bought. I've got the money to do it."

 

Maine - "I love this state and why? Your abbreviation is ME. That rhymes with Romney! I'm a poet and I don't even...I'm not even cognizant about it. That doesn't sound right. I'll work on it."

 

Maryland - "I have to tell you, I love the crabs here! The crabs here are excellent! You should see my wife's crabs. Oh? You have crabs too? Awesome!"

 

Massachusetts - "Hey again! How's my healthcare plan going? Good? You know, Obama based his plan off mine, but unlike my plan, which I love, I really hate his."

 

Michigan - "I don't think most people see me as a Motown kind of guy. I absolutely love Motown music! Boyz II Men is probably my favorite such group. What's that song? 'Motownphilly'? Yeah? Are you down? I know I am. I'm down."

 

Minnesota - "Before I get into anything else, I just have to say that one of my all-time favorite movies is Fargo. Great, great movie right there!"

Mississippi - "I tell you what, I love it here in Jackson. ...so much that I've got a surprise for ya'll - singing 'Beat It,' here are Janet Jackson and Justin Timberlake!"

 

Missouri - "So, this is the show-me state, eh? That kind of reminds me of the film Jerry Maguire when that one guy says, 'Show me the money!' Whenever I hear that, I want to say, 'Oh, I will, and lots of it!'"

 

Montana - "Montana is such a big state, isn't it? I really love big things and own a lot of them."

 

Nebraska - "Don't tell the people in Massachusetts about this, but I'm a big and I mean big Nebraska football fan! How's that chant go again? Go Big Corn, right? Come on, everybody! Go Big Corn! Go Big Corn! Go Big Corn!"

 

Nevada - "I'll be honest, I'm not a big gambler. I am good friends with many casino owners, though, and I can't help but love playing craps for money every couple days."

 

New Hampshire - "The people here are very independent. You know what you want and aren't at all partisan. I like that. You're just like me. I was pro-choice previously and now I want it to be my choice instead of women's. Like I said, always pro-choice."

 

New Jersey - "Any state who inspired that Shore Show with that lady Snickerdoodle is a winner in my book!"

 

New Mexico - "The food here is great! I love Mexican food, you know, anything with soy sauce."

 

New York - "Chicago may like to brag about their pizza, but nothing beats the pizza here in New York, especially at Pizza Hut! That's real pizza right there!"

 

North Carolina - "My favorite song of all-time was written about this state - Neil Diamond's 'Sweet Carolina'."

 

North Dakota - "I don't care how many times I hear it - Mt. Rushmore is beautiful! I just went there for the first time today. Like I said - beautiful!"

 

Ohio - "How 'bout them Buckeyes? That's a great team, a great university right there. Okay, I don't normally do this, but I'm going to sing a song. Here we go - Hang on, Snoopy, Snoopy hang on! O-H-N-O!"

 

Oklahoma - "Now, the state abbreviation here is OK, but you are more than that to me. The abbreviation should be, well, I don't know, but more than just OK."

 

Oregon - "I don't say this about any place else, I swear. The ducks and beavers are really nice here – just the right amount of fur. My wife even owns a beaver. I love it! I love her beaver!"

 

Pennsylvania - "I love the Amish. I actually used to be Amish. My first televised debate was on an Amish channel."

 

Rhode Island - "This may be the smallest state in the country, but it's not the size that matters...unless you're talking about wallets or houses like the ones I have; then it sure does!"

 

South Carolina - "My favorite state flag is yours - the good ol' Confederate flag. It always reminds me of that old show Dukes of Hazzard and my two favorite characters off that show - Jan and Marcia."

 

South Dakota - "I remember taking a private jet over the Dakotas one time. I'm not sure which one it was, but I think it may have been South. Anyway, ever since then, I've wanted to visit and here I am, in one of the Dakotas."

Tennessee - "There might not be any state I love more than Tennessee. It's because of this state that I married my beautiful wife, Ann. I walked up to her at this Mormon bar - 9 Wives - and I said, 'Are you from Nashville? Because you're the only ten-I-see'. True story."

 

Texas - "Remember the Alamo? I know I do. It means a great deal to me. I'll never forget the first World War."

 

Utah - "As I'm sure you all know by now, I am a Mormon, but do only have one wife, so please don't judge me."

 

Vermont - "The bushes here are lovely. I've never seen bushes as beautiful as yours, not even my wife's!"

 

Virginia - "There's nothing more beautiful than the Appalachians. I remember when I took my own helicopter around them. Beautiful! Simply beautiful!"

 

Washington - "Believe it or not, I was pretty big into the rock scene in the '90s with all of those bands here in Seattle, like The Beatles. I even jammed with those guys a few times."

 

West Virginia - "Coal mining is pretty big here. Speaking of coal, you West Virginians are some of the coalest (coolest) people in this great country. Gosh, I'm on a roll tonight. You know, if I'm not elected president, I think I may go into stand-up comedy."

 

Wisconsin - "Cheese and Packers. That's what it's all about! I know how that goes. I bought one of those cheesefaces not long ago."

 

Wyoming - "There are quite a few cowboys here, aren't there? I dressed as a cowboy once. I had the hat, belt buckle, boots, limo..., you know, all of the essentials."

Washington, D.C. - "The buildings here are beautiful and massive. I have some houses like that."

 

The final excerpt I’ll be sharing with you can be found on pages 63 through 68, and is called, “If a Hard-Core Conservative Evangelical Applied to Become a Bartender.”

 

If a Hard-Core Conservative Evangelical Applied to Become a Bartender

Mike Wright: "Hey, you must be Pee Wee Megatron. ::shakes his hand:: Oh, no, that's someone else. Isaac Smith, is it?"

 

Isaac Smith: "Yes, yes it is."

 

Wright: "Okay, have a seat. Beautiful day out, isn't it?"

 

Smith: "I suppose. You're not one of those global warming nuts, are you?"

 

Wright: "Well, it is 80 in January..."

 

Smith: "So?"

 

Wright: "...and this is Fairbanks, Alaska..."

 

Smith: "So?"

 

Wright: "Anyway, so I've looked at your resume and I must say, I found it interesting. Let me start with this, since I didn't receive a very clear answer while reading this - What do you think qualifies you for this job? Have you ever bartended before?"

 

Smith: "No."

 

Wright: "Have you ever served anywhere?"

 

Smith: "I serve Jesus."

 

Wright: "Okay, that's great, but as far as jobs are concerned - waiting on tables at restaurants or bars - have you ever served?"

 

Smith: "I serve Jesus every day and through him, I serve the people."

 

Wright: "Okay, we'll get back to that in a bit. So, what do you think you bring to bartending which, from a business standpoint, would garner my attention?"

 

Smith: "I spread God's word, am very pro-life, anti-gay marriage, anti-Planned Parenthood and women frighten me as well."

 

Wright: "Alright. We're all entitled to our own beliefs, but..."

 

Smith: "They're not beliefs. They're facts. I heard it on the radio from Rush Limbaugh."

 

Wright: "Great, but you do realize that if you get the job, there are four things you're not supposed to talk about: 1) Sex...

 

Smith: "Don't worry. I don't believe in sex."

 

Wright: "You don't? Do you have kids?"

 

Smith: "Yes."

 

Wright: "Were they adopted?"

 

Smith: "No."

Wright: "Fascinating. ...but let me finish. The second thing you're not suppose to talk about is money..."

 

Smith: "I'll just talk about not ever raising taxes."

 

Wright: "No, you won't. Continuing on, you're not to talk about politics or religion."

 

Smith: "Well, if it's part of God's plan for me to talk about him, I will. I don't have a choice."

 

Wright: "Yes, you do."

 

Smith: "No. It's all in God's hands."

 

Wright: "Can you prove this?"

 

Smith: "Yes."

 

Wright: "How?"

 

Smith: "Yes."

 

Wright: "Okay, moving on... If you had a very drunk customer and he was disturbing others, what would you do?"

 

 Smith: "Bomb him!"

 

Wright: "What? What do you mean by that? Wouldn't it be good to talk about things first?"

 

Smith: "No."

Wright: "If you mean this literally and I'm beginning to think you do - if you bombed him, wouldn't you be putting other people's lives, including your own, in jeopardy?"

 

Smith: "No, I don't buy that liberal nonsense!"

 

Wright: "Liberal what? What are you talking about? I'm not supposed to discuss this, but I'll have you know I voted for McCain in '08!"

 

Smith: "Are you a BIG McCain supporter?"

 

Wright: "Yes, as a matter of fact, I am."

 

Smith: "That's what I thought - liberal..."

 

Wright: "Whatever. So, as I was saying, you're telling me if you set off a bomb a couple feet away from yourself, you wouldn't be harmed?"

 

Smith: "No and that doesn't matter. I'm just doing what I can to protect this great country!"

 

Wright: "Wouldn't it cost a lot of money?"

 

Smith: "Money? Who cares about money? I'm just protecting the people at the bar!"

 

Wright: "By killing them? Alright, well, moving on... How would you make a customer feel welcome?"

 

Smith: "Well, first off, I wouldn't be reading from a teleprompter, unlike some people."

 

Wright: "That's good, but you do realize you're applying to become a bartender, right?"

 

Smith: "I've seen bartenders use teleprompters."

 

Wright: "Really? Where?"

 

Smith: "I don't know, but they're there. That's a fact."

 

Wright: "Okay, but you didn't answer my question - how would you make a customer feel welcome?"

 

Smith: "I'd say, 'Hi. Welcome to What the Hell Happened Last Night. I'm glad you weren't aborted. What can I get for you today?"

 

Wright: "Excuse me? That's not going to make them feel welcome!"

 

Smith: "What if I asked if they were queer and if they said no, I could reply with, 'Really? Me neither!' and give them a high five?"

 

Wright: "I don't think that would go over well either, especially if the person happened to be gay."

 

Smith: "Whatever. It's an abomination. Says so in The Bible."

 

Wright: "Did you write The Bible?"

 

Smith: "No, did you?"

 

Wright: "No. So how can you be 100% certain the scriptures declare it to be an abomination?"

 

Smith: "It's right there, in black and white. Speaking of which..."

Wright: "Let's not go there... So, if a customer, an attractive woman mind you, started heavily flirting with you, how would you respond?"

 

Smith: "I'd ask if she used birth control. If she said yes, I'd call her a slut."

 

Wright: "You'd what? Mr. Smith, that kind of talk will never be tolerated here at What the Hell Happened Last Night! Let me ask you something - are you married?"

 

Smith: "Are you coming onto me?"

 

Wright: "No, I'm simply asking a question - are you married?"

 

Smith: "Yes, this is my fifth time. Why?"

 

Wright: "Does your wife use any form of birth control?"

 

Smith: "Yes...but that's different. Wait, are you calling my wife a slut?"

 

Wright: "Based on what you said? No. Based on what she did with me last night? That's entirely possible. Okay, well, I think that's about all I need from you for the time. We'll be in touch, at least your wife and I will be. My secretary will show you out. Flo, is Pee Wee Megatron in? He is? Okay, send him in."

 

The book can be purchased on paperback for $10.00 on Lulu and on Kindle for $3.99 on Amazon. If you have any questions on the book, don’t hesitate to ask.

 

That’s it for today’s episode. Until next time, you can check me out on PodBean, Twitter, Amazon, and Blogger. This has been I Feel Snitty, with Craig Rozniecki. Take care.