Transcript for Podcast: "I Feel Snitty," Episode 147: "Take a Look, It's in My Book, It's a Reading Promo - Part 17" is now available!

Podcast: I Feel Snitty

Episode 147: Take a Look, It's in My Book, It's a Reading Promo - Part 17

Premiere Date: 5/5/21 

Length: 15:35 (2,488 words)

Link: https://ifeelsnitty.podbean.com/e/take-a-look-its-in-my-book-its-a-reading-promo-part-17/

Transcript: 

 

Welcome to I Feel Snitty, episode 147, entitled, “Take a Look, It’s in My Book, It’s a Reading Promo – Part 17.” I’m your host, Craig Rozniecki.

 

I released two books in 2019, the first of which was the third installment of The Kind-Hearted Smartass series, entitled, The Kind-Hearted Smartass – Volume 3: Maybe the Best of the Trilogy.

 

Did the book live up to its title? Maybe. I have a difficult time choosing between volumes 2 and 3. It’s like that old saying goes, “First is the worst; second is the best; third is the one with the hairy chest.” So, what’s better, the best or the hairy chest? I’ll let you decide.

 

On that note, here are five excerpts from the hairy chest.

 

The first one I’ll be sharing is entitled, “Trebek: ‘This is sodomy.’ Tinder CEO: ‘What is, I don’t know?,’” and is on pages 9 and 10.

 

Trebek: “This is sodomy.” Tinder CEO: “What is, ‘I don’t know?’”

Tinder CEO Sean Rad came under fire for an interview he had with UK's Evening Standard. Here are just a few of the things Rad said in the interview:

 

- "[This woman is] someone really, really famous [who] has been begging me for sex and I've been like, no."

 

- "[I'm addicted to Tinder]. Every other week I fall in love with a new girl."

 

- "[Tinder isn't responsible for the so-called hook-up culture]. Feminism has led to it because now women are more independent and pursuing their desires. And that leads to both parties being more sexually active. It's not because of Tinder."

 

...and here is my favorite quote of them all:

 

- "Apparently there's a term for someone who gets turned on by intellectual stuff. You know, just talking. What's the word? ... I want to say 'sodomy?'"

 

Actually the term for that, Mr. Rad, is sapiosexuality. Sodomy is defined as, "Anal or oral copulation with a member of the opposite sex" or "copulation with a member of the same sex."

 

No, Sean Rad doesn't appear to be as cool as his name, nor as smart (I mean, since when was rad synonymous with smart?). Given his lovely quote regarding sodomy, expect the intellectually unsound Mr. Rad to come up with the following gems in the future:

 

- "I love it when a woman can make me laugh. What's that called again? Fisting or something?"

 

- "I went to this S&M candy factory one time and it was badass, dude!"

 

- "On the weekends, I typically go the basketball court with the guys for lots of rimjobs."

 

- "I have to be honest, when I'm in a monogamous relationship with a girl, my favorite position is the threesome."

 

- "You must be so proud of your daughter! I mean, she's so successful! I've always been attracted to powerful and successful women. I love how they just get down and do it doggystyle in the business world, you know?"

 

This next piece can be found on pages 10 through 13, and is titled, “Chuffed about British slang.”

 

Chuffed about British slang

There's a bar nearby which has a British theme to it, called The Pub. At each table is a menu which includes some British terms and their definitions. After going through these terms and researching slang words and phrases from the country, I have a hunch I'd have a difficult time acting mature when traveling to England for the first time and hearing these very terms and phrases. Allow me to provide a few examples of such slang terms and phrases, before concocting hypothetical conversations between

Americans using British slang with an American bent.

 

British slang: Arse over tit - "Another version of arse over elbow, but a bit more graphic!" (Arse over elbow is "another way of saying head over heels but is a little more descriptive.")

 

Americans conversing:

 

Brian Smoothy: "Baby, you know it's our anniversary, right?"

 

Sheila Gobsucker: "Of course I do, sweetie."

 

Brian: "Well, I thought we could do something extra special tonight. How does that sound?"

 

Sheila: "Ooh... I think I like the sound of that. What did you have in mind?"

 

Brian: "How about this new position I like to call 'arse over tits?’"

 

Sheila: "Uh..."

 

Brian: "I know. Doesn't it sound romantic? Hold on a sec while I play the song 'Ass and Titties' while we do this..."

 

 

British slang: Cock up - "means you have made a mistake."

 

Americans conversing:

 

Director Clarence Hairball: "Okay... Nasty Cavemen... Take one...and action!"

 

Denise Apeman: "Come on. Cock up. Cock up! Now! Do it!"

 

Donald Apeman: "No! No cock up! No! Can't do it! Argh!"

 

Director Hairball: "Cut! Come on, people! We're shooting a porno, not a sitcom! Let's do this!"

 

 

British slang: Keep your pecker up - "This is one way of saying to keep your chin up."

 

Americans conversing:

 

Robert Dole (narrating a commercial): "If you're like me, and you have a problem with E.D., then I recommend taking Viagra. It'll help make your wife happy, and it'll help make you happy. So, come on, keep your pecker up, with Viagra."

 

 

British slang: Narked - "When someone appears to be in a bad mood."

 

Americans conversing:

 

Brett Talky: (calling a woman after their first date, and having a bad connection with his phone) "Hey there. How's it going? Long time no talk!"

 

Michaela Prudish: "Hey. I'm having trouble hearing you. What did you say?"

 

Brett: "I just said, ‘How's it going?’"

 

Michaela: "Pretty good and you?"

 

Brett: "Great! Thanks. So, are you thinking you maybe want to do that again sometime?"

 

Michaela: "Do I what? I'm sorry - I can't hear you very well."

 

Brett: "Geez... It looks like one of us had more fun than the other, huh? Are you narked or something?"

 

Michaela: "Am I what?"

 

Brett: "Narked"

 

Michaela: "Oh my God! I can't believe you just asked me that! You perv! If you must know, I'm in my pj's! Goodbye!"

 

Brett: "Hello? Hello? What the hell got into her? It's not like I asked if she was naked or anything. That was going to be my next question. Geesh..."

 

 

British slang: Piss up - "A drinking session"

 

Americans conversing:

 

Bruno Whiskey: "Dude, I dare you to piss up right now."

 

Brutus Rum: "Man, you are so drunk right now!"

 

Bruno: "I know. So do it! Piss up!"

 

Brutus: "You're crazy! Into this wind?"

 

Bruno: "I'll give you my Bette Midler CD if you do it!"

 

Brutus: "Really? Alright! You asked for it!"

 

Bruno: "Whoa! Yeah! Make it rain! Woo-hoo!"

 

Brutus: "Satisfied now?"

 

Bruno: "Yeah, I'm going to go home and take a shower. I'll give you the CD in the morning."

 

The next writing is on pages 24 through 26, and is entitled, “I feel sorry for women named Karma.”

 

I feel sorry for women named Karma

I feel sorry for women named Karma. Besides the Culture Club song, "Karma Chameleon," what do most people associate with the word karma? Or more specifically, what is the most common thing people say with regard to the word? "Karma's a bitch." I can just imagine the following dialogue occurring where one of the two participants is unaware that the other knows a woman by the name of Karma.

 

Setting: A bar by the name of AAWA (Alcoholics After Work Anonymous)

 

Jonathan Slushy: "Can you believe what happened at work today? I mean, what were the odds that right after Chad got off the phone angry, he'd throw his stapler at the door and it'd hit Billy right smack dab on the forehead as he opened the door at just the right, or I guess the wrong time?"

 

Alexander Bourbon: "Well, you did hear Billy accidentally ran over Chad's pet hamster, right?"

 

Jonathan: "Really? What in the world was Chad's hamster doing on the road?"

 

Alexander: "I don't know, man, but it's like they say, karma's a bitch."

 

Jonathan: "Wait, you know Karma?"

 

Alexander: "Yeah, don't you?"

 

Jonathan: "Well, yeah. I just didn't realize you knew her too."

 

Alexander: "Are you kidding? Everyone knows karma!"

 

Jonathan: "What's that supposed to mean?"

 

Alexander: "Karma is the queen of all bitches, man. Everyone has met her at least once in their lives, or in most people's cases, twenty or thirty times!"

 

Jonathan: "Wow, I didn't know she got around so much..."

 

Alexander: "Oh, she gets around so much, even records are impressed."

 

:: Karma walks in and sits next to them ::

 

Jonathan: "Hey, look, I know we just started seeing each other, but I've realized I don't think I'm ready for this right now. I just got divorced ten years ago after a shaky five-day marriage, and I just need some more time to reflect and heal. I hope you understand."

 

Karma Martinez: "Oh, well, okay, I guess. Call me if you change your mind."

 

:: Karma walks out of the bar ::

 

Alexander: "Who the hell was that?"

 

Jonathan: "That was Karma."

 

 

Alexander: "Karma? Karma who?"

 

Jonathan: "Karma Martinez. We just met a couple of weeks ago at church. Who were you talking about?"

 

Alexander: "Uh, somebody else... Well, based on what I've done here, I better go pay my tab, head back home, and make sure karma doesn't go and ruin my marriage!"

 

Jonathan: "Why would Karma do that?"

 

Alexander: "I told you, karma's a bitch!"

 

Jonathan: "Wait, Karma who?"

 

Alexander: "I don't know!"

 

:: Alexander pays and then runs out ::

 

Jonathan: (mumbles) "I wonder what his deal is. I think I better just pay up, go home, and listen to some Culture Club."

 

On pages 105 through 107 comes the next piece, entitled, “Having fun with Joe Biden’s gaffes, I mean, honesty (okay, they’re kind of one and the same…).”

 

Having fun with Joe Biden's gaffes, I mean, honesty (okay, they're kind of one and the same...)

While I honestly couldn't see him ever becoming president, I personally like former Vice President Joe Biden. The guy wears his heart on his sleeve (not literally, of course), comes across as kind of an everyman, and for both good and bad, seems to always say what's on his mind and mean what he says. This has gotten him into trouble on a number of occasions. Yes, if he became president for a couple of terms, we'd likely wind up seeing just as many Bidenism books on the shelves as Bushism books (or close to

as many).

 

Here are just a few of Biden's gaffes:

 

- "If we do everything right, if we do it with absolute certainty, there's still a 30% chance we're going to get it wrong." - speaking to members of the House Democratic caucus gathered in Williamsburg, Virginia, on February 6th of 2009

 

- "Hillary Clinton is as qualified or more qualified than I am to be vice president of the United States of America. Quite frankly, it might have been a better pick than me." - speaking at a town hall meeting in Nashua, New Hampshire, on September 10th of 2008

 

- "This is a big fucking deal!" - caught on an open mic when congratulating President Obama during the Affordable Care Act signing ceremony in Washington, D.C., on March 23rd of 2010

 

Yes, sometimes Joe Biden comes across as a drunken bar buddy of mine who can't help but utter lines which make half the people around him simultaneously shake their heads and laugh. Due to this trend of being overly honest and mixing words up here and there, I imagine in the following scenarios, Joe Biden would utter these lines:

 

Setting: At a wedding ceremony

 

Biden: "I don't care how old the groom is, he's not going to be needing a boner-pill tonight, trust me!"

 

 

Setting: At a funeral

 

Biden: "Why's it so dead in here today?"

 

 

Setting: At a gay pride parade

 

Biden: "How's it going? Need a macho man to help you out with that big pole you got there?"

 

 

Setting: At a Hooter's restaurant

 

Biden: "How big are the jugs here and how much do they cost?"

 

 

Setting: At a sermon

 

Biden: "I tell you, that Jesus was a big fucking deal!"

 

The final excerpt I’ll be sharing is titled, “The Dutch + Holland + Amsterdam + the Netherlands = Confused Americans,” and can be found on pages 160 through 162.

 

The Dutch + Holland + Amsterdam + the Netherlands = Confused Americans

I've often poked fun of (many) Americans' lack of knowledge concerning the world around them. Geography seems to be like a foreign language to us. Then again, when we look at the story of Christopher Columbus, perhaps we were destined to be ignorant when it comes to world geography:

 

Columbus (after arriving in America): "This is India, right?"

 

Fact-checker: "Close to 8,500 miles away from there..."

 

Columbus: "Very well... I'll call the people here Indians then."

 

Fact-checker: "That would make no sense at all actually..."

 

This brings me to a country which tends to confuse us Americans more than most, and that's saying something. The country I'm referring to is the Netherlands. While Holland comprises two of the twelve provinces in the country, we sometimes refer to the entire country as Holland. Not only that, but I've also heard multiple Americans refer to the country as Amsterdam, which is the most recognized city in the country (the Netherlands, not Holland). To add to the confusion, residents of the country aren't

called Netheranderthals, Hollandites, or Amsterdamonians; no, they're called the Dutch.

 

When thinking about two such Americans discussing the country, I picture the following dialogue:

 

Setting: A couple of friends having lunch at the restaurant To Hell With Weight Watchers

 

Jeff Johnson: "You know where I want to go sometime? Holland."

 

Bob Jones: "Oh, the Dutch? Those are my kind of people!"

 

Jeff: "Who are the Dutch?"

 

Bob: "You know, the Netherlands."

 

Jeff: "But I said Holland."

 

Bob: "Isn't that the Netherlands?"

 

Jeff: "The country has two names?"

 

Bob: "I don't know. We call ourselves the United States and America, right?"

 

Jeff: "Well, the United States of America, so I mean, both names are in the one. What's this other country called, the United Netherlands of Holland?"

 

Bob: "I don't know. I just know about the Dutch."

 

Jeff: "What about Amsterdam?"

 

Bob: "What about it?"

 

Jeff: "Don't they speak Dutch there?"

 

Bob: "What country is that in?"

 

Jeff: "I thought it was a country."

 

Bob: "I think it's a city in the Netherlands."

 

Jeff: "You mean Holland?"

 

Bob: "To hell if I know! How should we pay for this lunch?"

 

Jeff: "Let's go Dutch!"

 

Bob: "Ha! Good one!"

 

The book can be purchased on paperback for $15.00 on Lulu and on Kindle for $4.99 on Amazon. If you have any questions on the book, don’t hesitate to ask.

 

That’s it for today’s episode. Until next time, you can check me out on PodBean, Twitter, Amazon, and Blogger. This has been I Feel Snitty, with Craig Rozniecki. Take care.