Transcript for Podcast: "I Feel Snitty," Episode 134: "Take a Look, It's in My Book, It's a Reading Promo - Part 4" is now available!

Podcast: I Feel Snitty

Episode 134: Take a Look, It's in My Book, It's a Reading Promo - Part 4

Premiere Date: 5/5/21

Length: 22:46 (3,345 words)

Link: https://ifeelsnitty.podbean.com/e/take-a-look-its-in-my-book-its-a-reading-promo-part-4/

Transcript: 

Welcome to I Feel Snitty, episode 134, entitled, “Take a Look, It’s in My Book, It’s a Reading Promo – Part 4.” I’m your host, Craig Rozniecki.

 

Well, as you probably noticed with the previous episode, there were a few traditionally vulgar terms used in The Kind-Hearted Smartass. This prompted me to provide a more politically-correct possibility for the profanity-prudish perusing-participants present. So, I bleeped out certain words in some writings, while I completely replaced others. This process actually took longer than you’d expect. I’m glad, 10 years later, I no longer give a bleep what people think, and thereby don’t feel any semblance of bleeping shame for my bleeping work.

 

Having said that, here are 5 bleeping excerpts from my bleeping book from 2011 – The Kind-Hearted Smart Aleck.

 

This first one can be found on page 20, and is called, “The Top Ten Signs He’s NOT ‘The One.’”

 

The Top Ten Signs He’s NOT “The One”

 

10. Whenever he hears Beck’s song, “Loser,” he excitedly yells, “Can you hear that? This is my song!”

 

9. He has a thing for guys in speedos.

 

8. He takes pride in providing you with, what he terms, a romantic evening, when he

microwaved you popcorn before watching “The Silence of the Lambs”.

 

7. He goes downtown every day and holds up a sign which reads, “Will have sex for free”.

 

6. He has no Adam’s apple.

 

5. He runs away at the sight of a stroller.

 

4. Seven nuns have placed restraining orders against him.

 

3. When you role-play and he pretends to be a Hollywood star, he calls the proceedings his 15 seconds of fame.

 

2. Whenever he says hello to his mother, she flips him off.

 

1. (drum roll) When introducing you to his pastor, he refers to you as his ho.

 

This next one is entitled, “The Are-You-Worthy-To-Marry-My-Daughter Pop Quiz,” and can be found on pages 27 through 31.

 

The Are-You-Worthy-To-Marry-My-Daughter Pop Quiz

 

1) If my daughter gets sick, what will you do to ensure she has a quick recovery?

A) Whatever the doctor says

B) Give her a call button and tell her that she can use it at any time

C) Do all the work she would have done had she been feeling well

D) Hand her a trash can, recipe book, a Cosmo Magazine and $5 as you walk out the door saying, “I’ll see you in a week after I return from Vegas with my other ho’s”

 

2) What would you do to treat my daughter to a romantic evening?

A) Dinner and a movie (chick flick)

B) Make her a candlelight dinner

C) Recite poems you’ve written for her by the fireplace

D) Get drunk, take her to a strip club and continually point to her and shout out, “Give her a $20! She’s better than these other ones! Give her a $20 and see what she can do!”

 

3) What is your favorite physical feature of my daughter?

A) Her smile

B) Her legs

C) Her hair

D) Her big beautiful 34D eyes

 

4) Where would you take my daughter for your honeymoon?

A) Hawaii

B) Paris

C) Rome

D) That Amish Community 5 miles south of here

 

5) What is it that you love most about my daughter?

A) Her intelligence

B) Her sense of humor

C) Her generosity

D) The fact that her mother’s hot and will therefore look very good in 30 years

 

6) Would you ever cheat on my daughter?

A) Never

B) It depends on how you and she define the term “cheat”

C) Only if your lives depended on it

D) You already slept with her twin sister

 

7) What is the one thing you have to offer my daughter that no other man could?

A) Financial stability

B) Constant laughter

C) Respect

D) Just ask her about last night

 

8) What do you do when you get angry?

A) Become physically violent

B) Yell and scream

C) Face turns bright red as steam emanates from your scalp

D) Sing lullabies in a cappella

 

9) If your best friends had to describe you in one word, what would that word be?

A) Funny

B) Selfless

C) Happy

D) Who?

 

10) If you marry my daughter, would you be willing to compromise with her throughout the duration of the marriage?

A) Of course

B) When you felt it to be necessary

C) If she were willing to do likewise

D) Hold on a sec. Let me grab you a dictionary.

 

11) Where do you see yourself in 5 years?

A) In a lovely house, with my daughter and a kid on the way

B) In an apartment trying to save money for a house

C) Traveling for work

D) Having this same conversation with another woman’s father

 

12) Do you believe in God?

A) You go to church every week

B) You go to church over Christmas and Easter

C) Whatever I want you to believe, you’ll believe

D) My daughter believes you to be God

 

13) Would you say that you’re close to your family?

A) They mean the world to you

B) Always have been and always will be

C) Mainly during big events or tragic times

D) Only when you’re in the same house

 

14) If you and my daughter were having problems, what would you do about it?

A) Seek counseling

B) Ignore them

C) Discuss them

D) Trip acid and visit a planetarium

 

15) If my daughter asked you to go shopping with her during the Super Bowl, how would you react?

A) Roll your eyes

B) Let out a heavy sigh

C) Start blurting out four-letter words

D) Show an excitement she’s never seen in you before, which in turn, makes her think that you’re gay

 

16) How do you feel about helping my daughter around the house?

A) It’s your pleasure

B) It’s not fun, but has to be done

C) You don’t mind doing a couple things here and there

D) So long as she pays you your allowance, you’re happy

 

17) How many kids would you like to have with my daughter?

A) 2

B) 3

C) 4

D) You already have 12 and are soon to be expecting a baker’s dozen

 

18) What would your mother say at the thought of you becoming a father?

A) “God help us!”

B) “Oh no! Not again!”

C) “I told you we should have given Lorena Bobbitt a call!”

D) All of the Above

 

19) Do you see yourself being with my daughter for the rest of your days?

A) Of course

B) As far as you know

C) So long as God doesn’t have other plans

D) Days? Yes. Nights? Not so much.

 

20) Do you promise to always make my daughter happy?

A) Yes

B) You’re almost certain

C) The odds are definitely in her favor

D) Unless you find something better

 

This next writing is entitled, “Horatio Caine Fever,” and can be found on pages 111 through 113.

 

Horatio Caine Fever

 

In my opinion, if there’s a best worst show on television, it’s CSI: Miami. This is for one main reason - David Caruso’s character, Horatio Caine. In fact, I typically only watch the show’s opening sequence. A body is discovered; Horatio looks the body over and has a brief discussion with Frank (detective). Frank makes an observation before Caine places on his magical sunglasses, utters a corny line and The Who’s “Won’t Get Fooled Again” starts to play. His one-liners are a reflection of Caine’s sunglasses (which I’m sure he wears at night, even in his sleep) - magical. I will now run off a few Horatio Caine-esque one-liners of my own. Be sure to have the before-mentioned song, “Won’t Get Fooled Again,” playing while reading these. Also, if you have sunglasses, I suggest you wear them as well. Here we go…

 

Frank: “It looks like she’s dead.”

 

Horatio: “She is, Frank, and she always will be.”

 

 

Frank: “It looks like this guy was a professional.”

 

Horatio: “Yes, Frank. He looks to be about as professional ::long pause:: as your wife.”

 

 

Frank: “It looks like he was shot.”

 

Horatio: “Yeah and it’s the shot that killed him.”

 

 

Frank: “Around what time do you suppose this happened?”

 

Horatio: “It happened, Frank, around the time that he was killed.”

 

 

Frank: “To drown a woman in a kiddie pool like that, that’s just cold.”

 

Horatio: “Yes, Frank. Cold and wet.”

 

 

Frank: “To fire a rocket launcher at a janitor from 2 feet away, who would do such a thing?”

 

Horatio: “I don’t know, Frank, but whoever did, is our murderer.”

 

 

Frank: “Do you really think your son could have killed this garbageman?”

 

Horatio: “I don’t know, Frank, but something sure stinks.”

 

 

Frank: “A margarine knife? This man was killed with a margarine knife?”

 

Horatio: “It appears that way, Frank, but at least it’s not butter.”

 

 

Frank: “I think this was a suicide. What do you think?”

 

Horatio: “I think, Frank, ::pause:: that suicide is for pussies.”

 

 

Frank: “So, Senator Jakoff and Ms. Johnson were… and now they’re…”

 

Horatio: “That’s right, Frank. They did the deed and then had the deed done to them.”

 

This next writing is entitled, “You can tell an awful lot from a movie title…,” and can be found on pages 126 through 128.

 

You can tell an awful lot from a movie title…

 

Often times, movie titles make sense. There lacks ambiguity, where a person unfamiliar with the general storyline could garner a good sense of the film's essence just by seeing its title. "Forrest Gump" is a good example, as the central focus of the film is a character by the name of Forrest Gump. "While You Were Sleeping" is slowly edging toward the gray area known as ambiguity, but we can still garner a decent sense of what the film's storyline is by reading the title - it has to deal with what transpires while a certain individual is sleeping. Who "you" is we can't be certain of at this juncture. "As Good As It Gets" delves even deeper into the gray known as ambiguity, as we can't really understand the central focus of the film by reading its title. "As Good As It Gets"?

As good as what gets? Life? Love? Sex? A political spat between drunks at a bar? It's difficult to say by just looking at the title of this particular film. However, it's difficult to get too creative by attempting to have fun with the potential ambiguities of this film title. There are some films which too reside in the before-mentioned gray area and within their titles live some potentially humorous ambiguities. I'm going to list these very movie titles and see what I come up with. Keep in mind while reading these, pretend that both you and I are ignorant of everything pertaining to these films - the actors, directors, storylines, plots, etc. I'm going to pretend I haven't seen any of these films and based on the titles alone, will attempt to guess what they're about.

 

Dead Man Walking - This is a film about Jesus and the days following his resurrection. Chances are this film won't be suitable for children, as it will draw them a misleading image about life and death, for it's highly unlikely that after they die, they will rise from the dead three days later. Also, zombie films are typically not the greatest viewing material for children and that will especially be the case for this film, as Jesus plays the lead zombie.

 

Big - This is quite obviously a porno. I guess size does matter.

 

The French Connection - This is a romance film that contains at its climax a connection between the two lead characters which involves their lips locking with one another's before their tongues get involved in the act. There was rumor about a film called "The Polish Connection" that involved two Polish individuals pinching each other while standing underneath a mistletoe on the 4th of July, but unfortunately, that romance was never released.

 

It Happened One Night - This has to be one of the greatest mysteries known to man. "It

Happened One Night"? It's reminiscent of those times you bump into somebody who remembers you very well, but whom you can't remember ever meeting before. They'll then go into detail about when and where you met, who you were with and what you wore. I then typically respond with something along the lines of, "Oh yeah, I remember that. We were at that one place that one night. You were with that one person and we talked about some stuff. Yeah, of course I remember. How's it going...you?" I have a hunch this film tells the story of the before-mentioned scenario and all throughout the film, we take on the perspective of the person whom doesn't remember the other and try to figure out who the other is and when and where they met (if they even did). I'll be curious to see if we ever discover who the other person is or if this film leaves us wondering. One thing I am pretty certain about is that Bill Clinton will be the main character, continually asking the question, "What is 'it'?"

 

In & Out - I'm not sure how in the world this film was released in theaters. It's obviously a how-to movie regarding sex. I'm picturing it playing like a workout video. I can hear the instructor saying the following:

 

"In and out. In and out. In and out. That's terrific. In and out. In and out. Five more times. You're doing great. No, don't stop now! You can do better than 24 seconds! Keep on pushing! In and out. In and out. Remember, this is a 2-hour movie. You better keep up and keep it up. If you need Viagra, that's just fine. Don't be ashamed. If that's the case, you can watch this movie two times, but only two times. If you watch it more than that and you're still keeping it up, please call a doctor. Okay, again. In and out. In and out. In and out."

 

My Cousin Vinny - I could be wrong, but I'm pretty sure this is a love story involving a woman in the south and her cousin Vinny. This takes the "family-friendly" concept to a whole 'nother level, I'm afraid.

 

Romancing the Stone - This is an extremely strange movie. I'm thinking it was written by some uber-conservative Republican politicians and Christian fundamentalists, in trying to provide fictional evidence of the informal fallacy known as the slippery slope with regard to homosexuality and in particular, gay marriage. Some have said that gay marriage will lead to the marrying of multiple individuals at one time, marrying dogs, cows, horses, rainbows and as this film suggests, stones. Ironically enough, I have a feeling viewers will have to be stoned in order to get anything from this film. I can just hear these very individuals after the film, saying something along the lines of, "Dude! I so want to do a stone now!"

 

Children of Men - This film is probably a hybrid of the drama and science fiction genres. It tells a story about the scientific breakthrough of men being able to give birth to children. Some of the people I hope to see in this film, impregnated, are: Sylvester Stallone, Danny DeVito, Rush Limbaugh, Ozzy Osbourne, David Caruso and Justin Bieber.

 

The Crying Game - This movie is probably about women trying to manipulate men through the art of crying. A group of women, part of a Bible study group, compete against one another in a contest they started. Whoever is able to receive the most from their husbands in a two-week span due to their crying will be rewarded a free lap dance from a stripper by the name of Judas.

 

The Man Who Knew Too Little - Here's a movie that really hits home for me. I was never

contacted about this film, but I'm almost positive it's a story about a guy by the name of Craig Rozniecki and his ignorance of women. Although, I suppose it could be about almost every other heterosexual male and their ignorance of the opposite sex. If there's another film with a similar theme, entitled "The Man Who Knew Too Much," which tells the story of a man who knows women too well, the central character would obviously be gay.

 

The final excerpt I’ll be sharing can be found on pages 155 through 158, and is entitled, “Intentionally Misinterpreting Statements As Being Literal.“

 

Intentionally Misinterpreting Statements As Being Literal

I enjoy being a pain in the butt sometimes. I enjoy being creative, am a bit of a word geek and as the title of this book should suggest, a bit of a smart aleck as well. Due to this, I detest clichés. First of all, originality is absent when re-using the same tired phrases over and over again. Also, I find that many of them don’t make an ounce of sense. So, I heartily enjoy intentionally misinterpreting such statements, in order to depict the ambiguity which resides in them and to showcase just how ridiculous the phrases are.

 

Following will be fictionalized dialogue between some unknown person and myself, where he/she/it will utter a common phrase or saying and I will respond accordingly.

 

Debra: “I’m as happy as a clam.”

 

Me: “The one you just ate?”

 

 

Anna: “Good morning!”

 

Me: “Are you trying to be funny?”

 

 

Albert: “There’s no ‘I’ in team!”

 

Me: “That is quite the observation. There isn’t a w, p, q or r either.”

 

 

Sherrie: “Come on, Craig. You can’t have your cake and eat it too.”

 

Me: “Don’t worry about it. I planned on staring at it for a while before speaking to it in

Swedish.”

 

 

Lucy: “As you know, the pen is mightier than the sword.”

 

Me: “Do you have a pen? I brought my sword. Let’s do this!”

 

 

Paul: “Let’s not beat around the bush, Craig.”

 

Me: “Suit yourself. I’ll be back in about a half hour.”

 

 

Jerry: “I don’t give a rat’s behind what that guy says!”

 

Me: “He’ll probably be disappointed. I heard he is a collector of rats’ butts.”

 

 

Ernest: “I am not a happy camper right now.”

 

Me: “But we’re bowling…”

 

 

Tasha: “My ex wouldn’t know his butt from his elbow!”

 

Me: “Can I see a picture?”

 

 

Becky: “Don’t give up, Craig! There are plenty of fish in the sea.”

 

Me: “No offense to them, but I’m not attracted to fish.”

 

 

Faith: “That guy really is barking up the wrong tree!”

 

Me: “I know. What does he think he is? A cocker spaniel? I hope he doesn’t fall.”

 

 

Lois: “Craig, you are the apple of my eye!”

 

Me: “Thanks and you’re the grapes of my nose.”

 

 

Alyssa: “I have to say this, Craig. You’re really starting to rub me the wrong way.”

 

Me: “I’m sorry about that. How about I make it up to you? Let’s go back to my place, so I can rub you the right way?”

 

 

Harry: “I’m just trying to think outside the box. What ideas do you have, smart one?”

 

Me: “One sec. I’ve got to get out of this damn box. I’ll be right with you.”

 

 

Chuck: “Craig, the writing is on the wall.”

 

Me: “Yeah, I know. I was just in the bathroom. Do you know anyone named Jerome?”

 

 

Chandra: “It’s really raining cats and dogs out there!”

 

Me: “PETA is going to be pissed!”

 

 

Bob: “It’s colder than a witch’s tit out there!”

 

Me: “Really? I remember Lucinda’s were like ice cubes, the right one anyway.”

 

The book can be purchased on paperback for $24.76 on Lulu and on Kindle for $4.99 on Amazon. If you have any questions on the book, don’t hesitate to ask.

 

That’s it for today’s episode. Until next time, you can check me out on PodBean, Twitter, Amazon, and Blogger. This has been I Feel Snitty, with Craig Rozniecki. Take care.