Transcript for Podcast: "I Feel Snitty," Episode 149: "Take a Look, It's in My Book, It's a Reading Promo - Part 19" is now available!
Podcast: I Feel Snitty
Episode 149: Take a Look, It's in My Book, It's a Reading Promo - Part 19
Premiere Date: 5/5/21
Length: 13:32 (2,221 words)
Link: https://ifeelsnitty.podbean.com/e/take-a-look-its-in-my-book-its-a-reading-promo-part-19/
Transcript:
Welcome to I Feel Snitty, episode 149, entitled, “Take a Look, It’s in My Book, It’s a Reading Promo – Part 19.” I’m your host, Craig Rozniecki.
We’ve now reached my most recent effort, Laugh to the Music. For whatever reason, I started writing GOP- and Trump-inspired parodies. It kind of caught on, so I kept doing it. Never mind the fact I enjoyed it. Here now are five songs from the book.
The first song is entitled, “’Wrong Way’ (to the tune of Frank Sinatra’s ‘My Way’).”
“Wrong Way” (to the tune of Frank Sinatra’s “My Way”)
And now, his end is near
All the numbers are stacked against him
What was his greatest fear
Being a prison bitch is certain
He lived a privileged life
Was handed everything night and day
Yet always decided to go the wrong way
Failures, he’s had a few
Bankruptcies were a dime a dozen
Beef, booze, and casinos too
Even managed to lose a billion
His daddy bailed him out
To limit damage to the Trump name
Yet lil’ Donnie – he still went the wrong way
Oh, there were times when he could choose
Between honor or being a douche
And then he, without a first thought
Told all to inject some Clorox
He had a compass, GPS, and went the wrong way
He’s conned, he’s tanned, he’s lied
He’s violently grabbed lots of kittens
And now, as thousands die
He’s concentrating on pardons
To think he’s such a twat
Would be offensive to twats all day
No matter what he does, he goes the wrong way
For what are morals? For what are laws?
When he decides to break them all
No punishments for getting caught
Until we voted his ass out
The score it showed
He fucking choked
He went the wrong way
He went the wrong way
Talkin’ ‘Bout My Inspiration
After he lost his second popular vote in as many tries, and with that, the electoral college, I decided to write this as an ode to Donald Trump, his life, his presidency, his chicanery, and the fact he probably thinks chicanery means “a female canary.”
Snark It Up!
https://ifeelsnitty.podbean.com/e/wrong-way-parody-based-on-the-frank-sinatra-song-my-way/
The second song can be found on pages 21 through 23, and is called, “‘The Cokehead’ (to the tune of the Steve Miller Band’s ‘The Joker’).”
“The Cokehead” (to the tune of the Steve Miller Band’s “The Joker”)
Some people call him the Drumpf, Jr., yeah
People call him King Guilfoyle
Some call him the smart brother
But there’s just one thing he really does love
People know about this, baby
From just looking at his bigly red eyes
Whenever lodging staffs see him walk in
They all say, “This is going to be one huge mess”
‘Cause he’s a snorter
He’s a drinker
He’s a smoker
And he’s an eater
Posts videos for everyone
He’s a cokehead
He’s a blockhead
He’s a midnight rockhead
His eyes look like the Japan sun
Ew, ew, ew, ew
He’s gonna be at a Motel 6 today
Maybe tomorrow as well
Motel 8 Thursday
Four Seasons Total Landscaping for all of the cold winter
Snow white on his nose for all of the winter
‘Cause he’s a snorter
He’s a drinker
He’s a smoker
And he’s an eater
Posts videos for everyone
He’s a cokehead
He’s a blockhead
He’s a midnight rockhead
His eyes look like the Japan sun
Ew, ew, ew, ew
People, they know about this, baby
Looking at his red eyes
Whenever lodging staffs see him walk in, they watch and say
“This will be a huge mess”
He will be at a Motel 6 today
Maybe tomorrow as well
Motel 8 Thursday
Four Seasons Total Landscaping for all of the cold winter
Snow white on his nose for all of the winter
Talkin’ ‘Bout My Inspiration
About a month after it was concluded that his father lost the election, Donald Trump, Jr. took to Fox News in a one-of-a-kind zoom interview from his Motel 6 room. To say he looked coked out of his gourd would be to say a side effect of eating at Old Country Buffet is something doctors like to refer to as blubber-butt. This wasn’t the first time Jr. had publicly looked like an ‘80s rocker who just got rejected by a groupie nicknamed “Easy Eden.” When he spoke at the Republican National Convention, his eyes were so bloodshot, Cheech and Chong likely referred to them as the latest “wonder of the world.” Junior, he may have a problem.
Snark It Up!
The next tune can be found on pages 34 through 36, and is called, “’Tweeting Some Lies’ (to the tune of Neil Diamond’s ‘Sweet Caroline’).”
“Tweeting Some Lies” (to the tune of Neil Diamond’s “Sweet Caroline”)
Where they began
Only aliens will know
White supremacists going strong
Was in the day
And day became the night
The bullshit still continues on
Lies, putrid lies
Reaching out, deceiving me, deceiving you
Tweeting some lies
Retweets never seemed so bad
Inform your mind
These white hoods aren't very rad
So now I
Fact-check the posts
And they don't seem too likely
Obama wasn't born on Mars
When we debate
They look like deer in headlights
Not really sure what's going on
Brains, washing brains
Reaching out, deceiving me, deceiving you
Tweeting some lies
Retweets never seemed so bad
Inform your mind
These white hoods aren't very rad
Oh, hell no
Tweeting some lies
Retweets never seemed so bad
Tweeting some lies
These white hoods aren't very rad
Tweeting some lies
Retweets never seemed so bad
Talkin’ ‘Bout My Inspiration
Before Donald Trump was booted off Twitter for inciting domestic terrorist attacks at the U.S. Capitol, he was kind of a tweeting-aficionado. Okay, that’s probably too high of praise. He was obsessed with tweeting. It was his primary mode of communication. When he wanted to spread debunked conspiracy theories, he went to Twitter. When he wanted to give a media personality a juvenile nickname, he went to Twitter. When he wanted to threaten a fictional nation, he went to Twitter. Yup, the Trump presidency could be summed up in three Ts: Twitter, traitor, and toilets.
Snark It Up!
The next song is titled, “‘Hit the Jim/Gym’ (to the tune of Biz Markie’s ‘Just a Friend’),” and can be found on pages 51 through 54.
“Hit the Jim/Gym” (to the tune of Biz Markie’s “Just a Friend”)
Know a guy everyone wants to punch in the face
His name is Jim; he wrestled at Ohio State
Well, no – while others got pinned, he closed his eyes
Now the mascot Brutus even wants to kick his ass
He may be called Jordan, but he ain’t got no game
Hits nothing but air, even in the lane
Yeah, he thinks he’s all that, but really, he’s not
Just an enabler, a dick the size of a dot
Not that I’d know or anything; some just saying
Even after Viagra, he looks like a cold-pool Costanza
He may talk big, but he’s weak as a chair
That was torn apart by F5 tornadoes
He calls himself a Buckeye, but he’s a traitor
Pissing on the “O” at midfield
Hands the ball to the opponent
Some say a kid has a face only a mother could love
But Jim has a face every mother wants to punch
Unlike Cheeto-in-Chief, though, let’s not resort to violence
Let’s hit this criminal where it really hurts
Let’s work out, bigly, seven days a week
So he’s not reelected
We, we need to get trim, so let’s go and hit the Jim
So let’s go and hit the Jim, every day
We, we need to get trim, so let’s go and hit the Jim
So let’s go and hit the Jim, every day
We, we need to get trim, so let’s go and hit the Jim
So let’s go and hit the Jim
It’s a known fact: Jim knows just one position
Don’t worry; it’s not Kama Sutra or an’thing
Yeah, submissive to the dollar
Green paper has him on a choke collar
Believes in taxing the poor, giving to the rich
Like that trickles down like crumbs to a lit’ral bitch
Wants to control women’s bodies against will
If he got pregnant, he’d start popping the pills
Claims to believe in God, but don’t act like it
Disposing of this land and sea like a pile of shit
“Global pandemics aren’t a real big deal”
No rules: “If we all die, at least we’ll all be free”
“Let people go to school, bars, ‘specially church”
“If all the patrons die, it’s what God wanted”
Five-hundred k die, Jim’s worried ‘bout his wallet
It was probably made in China, like his MAGA hat
If everything wrong with this country were summed in one man
He would look an awful lot like Jim Jordan
It is high past time we made his voice dim
Hit the Jim
We, we need to get trim, so let’s go and hit the Jim
So let’s go and hit the Jim, every day
We, we need to get trim, so let’s go and hit the Jim
So let’s go and hit the Jim, every day
We, we need to get trim, so let’s go and hit the Jim
So let’s go and hit the Jim
So, check it – there’s only one way to stop this Gymbo
Vote his ass out in O-H, district 4
Don’t just look away as he commits crimes
Don’t pull a Jordan – go form a line
Like in Airplane!, only hit him with your votes
Talk jive to him and then kick his ass out
Send him on back home with his tail between his legs
Shriveled up like a couple of mini-grapes
Teary-eyed, say dead voters is what cost him
He’ll then attempt an insurrection
Two will show – Jim and a drunk guy named Bob
Setting the all-time record for tiniest mob
So sad, even sociopaths feel for him
For just a sec – it’s Jim
So let’s get to work – whether treadmill or bench
The heart, phalanx, cerebrum, and larynx
We’d all be better off if we were more slim
To do that, November ‘22, go and hit the Jim
Talkin’ ‘Bout My Inspiration
A follower of mine asked me to write a podcast about Ohio Representative and man often mistaken for Beavis – Jim Jordan, so I decided to do so courtesy of this song. Oh, and in case you were wondering, and I know you were, I did wrestle with the title quite a bit…
Snark It Up!
https://ifeelsnitty.podbean.com/e/hit-the-jimgym-parody-based-on-the-biz-markie-song-just-a-friend/
The final song I’ll be sharing is called, “‘Lysol’ (to the tune of Oasis’s ‘Wonderwall’),” and can be found on pages 84 through 86.
"Lysol" (to the tune of Oasis's "Wonderwall")
Today is gonna be a day
I speak gobbledygook to you
By now you should've realized
This is what I fuckin' do
I don't believe that anybody
Knows what I'm about to do right now
Dumb speak, the words are in my head
Ready to finally come out
I'm sure you've never heard them before
Unless you're a fake doctor named Gout
I don't believe anybody will look
As stupid as I'm about to now
And none of the wheels in my head are turning
And all the light bulbs up there aren't working
There are many ways that I would
Like to save my ass
Perhaps this is how
Because maybe
You're gonna be the one that saves me
And after all
You're my Lysol
Today is gonna be a day
I'm gonna suggest you eat some poo
Jam Sharpies in your nose somehow
Maybe eat my tax returns too
I don't believe that anybody
Knows what I'm about to do right now
And none of the wheels in my head are turning
And all the light bulbs up there aren't working
There are many ways that I would
Like to save my ass
Perhaps this is how
I said maybe
You're gonna be the one that saves me
And after all
You're my Lysol
I said maybe (I said maybe)
You're gonna be the one that saves me
And after all
You're my Lysol
I said maybe (I said maybe)
You're gonna be the one that saves me (saves me)
You're gonna be the one that saves me (saves me)
You're gonna be the one that saves me (saves me)
Talkin’ ‘Bout My Inspiration
Donald Trump, the smartest man in the room (in a room of one), suggested in April of last year that, to ultimately defeat COVID, we may have to inject disinfectant. This of course wasn’t true (it still isn’t). As a matter of fact, it would likely have the opposite effect and kill you. It truly is a great thing he’s no longer president. If he were still in office, my guess is his next anti-COVID recommendation would be to, “Light yourselves on fire.”
Snark It Up!
https://ifeelsnitty.podbean.com/e/lysol-a-donald-trump-parody/
The book can be purchased on paperback for $13.50 on Lulu and on Kindle for $3.99 on Amazon. If you have any questions on the book, don’t hesitate to ask.
That’s it for today’s episode. Until next time, you can check me out on PodBean, Twitter, Amazon, and Blogger. This has been I Feel Snitty, with Craig Rozniecki. Take care.
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