Transcript for Podcast: "I Feel Snitty," Episode 140: "Take a Look, It's in My Book, It's a Reading Promo - Part 10" is now available!

Podcast: I Feel Snitty

Episode 140: Take a Look, It's in My Book, It's a Reading Promo - Part 10

Premiere Date: 5/5/21 

Length: 15:55 (2,679 words)

Link: https://ifeelsnitty.podbean.com/e/take-a-look-its-in-my-book-its-a-reading-promo-part-10/

Transcript: 

Welcome to I Feel Snitty, episode 140, entitled, “Take a Look, It’s in My Book, It’s a Reading Promo – Part 10.” I’m your host, Craig Rozniecki.

 

While I was busy writing the first four installments of the LOL at the GOP series, I was able to manage writing other comedic bits, which didn’t pertain to politics. This resulted in The Kind-Hearted Smartass – Volume 2: The Wisecracks Continue. I think it’s an improvement over the first book in the series, as it’s more compact. Well, without further ado, here are five excerpts from the second book I released in 2014 – The Kind-Hearted Smartass – Volume 2: The Wisecracks Continue.

 

The first writing I’ll be sharing is titled, “A one-track mind,” and can be found on pages 14 through 17.

 

A one-track mind

Ever know a person who can seemingly only talk about one thing? They have a one-track mind, as the phrase goes? Like Fox News with Benghazi? Well, I know such a person, and while I love him dearly, it can be a bit too much at times.

 

With this person, it often times feels as if he's playing a game called the Two Degrees of Beer. Regardless of what another person is talking about, he will find a way to connect it to beer and let everyone know about it.

 

Jerry Gemini: "So, did you see the game last night?"

 

Bobby Beerman: "Yeah, I went to a game one time where beers cost $10 a piece!"

 

 

Trisha Triceratops: "Did you like the movie?"

 

Bobby Beerman: "Yeah, did you see the beer that guy was drinking? I have to try that! Let's go to a bar and see if they've got it!"

 

Mama Beerman: "So, how was your big date?"

 

Bobby Beerman: "Well, the beer was good."

 

 

Not too long ago, another person asked me about my writing. I briefly mentioned my blog, when Bobby Beerman decided to say this: "Some people can make a lot of money off blogs. I know this guy who writes a beer blog who does quite well for himself."

 

After enduring this for quite a while, I had to chuckle some. Beer books, beer movies, beer shirts, restaurants with the word beer in their titles, and just plain beer - it's all about the beer!

 

In experiencing a person with a one-track mind on beer, I have to wonder what it would be like to be associated with a guy who only thought about sex. I know many women have said, "Guys only think about one thing - sex!" but I've yet to actually encounter such a guy. I envision a conversation with him would go something like this:

 

Jessica Candy: "Did you have fun at that party the other night?"

 

Theodore Cialis: "Not really. There were so many chicks I wanted to bone there and I didn't get nothin'!"

 

Jessica: "That sucks. Do you wanna get something to eat?"

 

Theodore: "Speaking of sucks... and eat..."

 

Jessica: "Wait, what? Do you want to go out and get something to eat?"

 

Theodore: "Yeah – you!"

 

Jessica: "Oh, Teddy! You're funny."

 

Theodore: "I wasn't joking. I'm ready if you are."

 

Jessica: "Ready to eat?"

 

Theodore: "Oh yeah! Undo those pants!"

 

Jessica: "I'm getting hungry, Teddy. Do you want to go out and eat or not?"

 

Theodore: "I've got all I need right here. Come here, baby."

 

Jessica: "That's enough, Theodore! It's not funny anymore!"

 

Theodore: "Fine - I'll take my services elsewhere. I'm sure I can find an all-you-can-eat buffet somewhere around here."

 

Jessica: "That's where I'm going to go! Would you care to join me?"

 

Theodore: "Not unless you're one of the options."

 

Jessica: "God, you're sick! I think you should leave!"

 

Theodore: "You know what leave rhymes with? Cleave - like, show me your cleavage."

 

Jessica: "Ugh!"

 

Theodore: "That's hot! I love it when you do that! Do that again!"

 

Jessica: ::stops talking and pushes Theodore out the door::

 

Theodore: ::yells:: "I love it when you do that! Are you as turned on as I am?" ::tries opening the door:: "Wait, did you lock me out? Come on! Don't tease me like this! This door's made of wood and it's what I've got going on for you, baby! Come and get it!" ::long pause:: "Jessica? Jessica?" ::sees another woman walk by him and faces her:: "Hey, baby. Are you hungry?"

 

This next writing can be found on pages 27 and 28, and is entitled, “If you like to swear, come to Ohio!”

 

If you like to swear, come to Ohio!

In a study conducted by the Seattle mobile-marketing company Marchex, based on 600,000 phone calls from customers to businesses between 2012 and 2013, it was found that Ohio residents swear more than residents of any other state in this country! Ohioans also ranked in the bottom five in terms of courtesy. As a current resident of the Buckeye state, was I surprised by this? Not really, at least on the swearing front.

 

Here's what I typically hear Ohioans say in the following situations (alright, some of these quotes may be slightly exaggerated, to the point where I'm sporting a Pinnochio-esque nose):

 

Situation: Ordering a drink

 

"Can a guy get a fucking beer around here? Shit!"

 

 

Situation: Ordering food at a nice restaurant

 

"I'd like the steak. I want it medium-fuckin'-raw! None of that medium-well bullshit! I want it pink to the point where I can hear the fucking cow moo, okay? You got that?"

 

Situation: Asking a woman out at a bar

 

"Hey, baby. You're looking fuckin' good, girl. How about you and I go back to my place and just talk and shit? We can talk, fuck, and shit - know what I'm saying? How does that sound?"

 

 

Situation: Watching a sporting event

 

"I can't fucking believe that call! What the fuck is that zebra looking at? Jesus! That's horseshit! We're only up 42-0! It should be 56 to nothing! Come on, refs! Get with the fucking program here!"

 

 

Situation: Proposing to a woman

 

"Honey, I love you, like, so much and shit. We've been together for like fuckin' ever, you know? I guess what I'm trying to say is, will you like fuckin' marry me and shit?"

 

This next piece is called, “Hooked on Phonics obviously didn’t work for characters in horror films, and can be found on pages 54 and 55.

 

Hooked on Phonics obviously didn’t work for characters in horror films

Is it just me or is there a written requirement somewhere which says, "If you're a character in a horror film, you have to be stupid”?

 

I went to see the film The Purge a while back, and like with many contemporary horror films, I spent most of my time laughing and giving the why-in-the-hell-are-they-doing-this-are-they-stupid look. Yes, I know the main intent of horror films is to frighten viewers. However, if the viewers find the script and plot so ridiculous, it's unbelievable to the point of being silly, then how will the film genuinely frighten said viewers?

 

Here's my slightly exaggerated version of a scene from a contemporary horror film:

 

Setting: A newly wed couple driving along the interstate, heading to Little Rock, Arkansas late at night

 

Mr. Eugene Blockhead: "Oh, look, honey. There's that man over there looking for a ride. What do you think? Should we pick him up?"

 

Mrs. Mikayla Blockhead: "I don't know, sweetie. He's wearing a mask and has a chainsaw. Also, I don't think he's covered with ketchup."

 

Eugene: "So, yes, then?"

 

Mikayla: "Yeah, sure - why not? What's the worst that could happen?"

 

Eugene: "Yeah, I know - right? Alright, I'm going to pull over here."

 

::Both Eugene and Mikayla get out of the car and start waving and smiling::

 

Mikayla: "Do you need a ride, sir?"

 

::the man nods::

 

Eugene: "What's your name? My name is Eugene Blockhead, and this is my lovely wife, Mikayla Blockhead. How do you do?"

 

Creepy guy: "My name's Imagonnakillyou!"

 

Mikayla: "That's an unusual name. Where are you from?"

 

Imagonnakillyou: ::roars, before starting up his chainsaw and walking toward the couple::

 

Eugene: "Whatcha doin'? We can give you a lift if you'd like. We're really in no hurry and love to help people such as yourself. Where are you headed?"

 

Imagonnakillyou: "For your head!"

 

Eugene: "He's so funny. He..." ::head gets chopped off::

 

Mikayla: "Is that a magic trick? Can you do me next? Please? I love magic! I just lo...." ::head gets chopped off::

 

Imagonnakillyou: "Idiots..."

 

The next writing can be found on pages 85 through 88, and is called, “Jason Collins and Tim Tebow are about as similar as Hawaii and Uranus.”

 

Jason Collins and Tim Tebow are about as similar as Hawaii and Uranus

Not long after former NBA player Jason Collins came out of the closet, I started reading some comparisons made by those on the far-right of Collins to former NFL player Tim Tebow. It's usually provided in the form of a cartoon, which goes something like this:

 

Tebow: "I'm a Christian."

 

Media: "Shut your mouth! Keep your religion to yourself!"

 

Collins: "I'm gay."

 

Media: "You're a hero!"

 

First off, the bit regarding Tebow is a definite exaggeration. While the media loves to hear good soundbites and Tebow isn't really known for that, I haven't heard anyone in the media start yelling at the quarterback after he gives praise to God or something of the sort. It's not like I've heard anything such as this:

 

Tebow: "First off, I've got to give praise to God for giving me the opportunity to play...and..."

 

Reporter Fernando Dipshitz: "Hey, Tebow! Shut the hell up! We don't give a shit about your God! Talk football, goddammit!"

 

No, like I said, it was a definite exaggeration in that portion of the cartoon. The second part wasn't entirely accurate either. Remember Chris Broussard's comments? Ben Shapiro's? Among others? Most members of the media, especially the mainstream media, have been very positive in reporting the Jason Collins story. However, as is almost always the case, there have been exceptions to that. Not only is the cartoon exaggerating on both counts, it's making a rather ridiculous comparison. It's comparing an individual declaring he's a Christian with another individual declaring he's a homosexual in the United States of America. Since this country's inception, Christianity has been the dominant religion here. We also have the blessing of being able to practice whatever religion we so choose in this country. In other words, how can we reasonably compare announcing we're Christian, which most people in this country are and always have been, to announcing we're gay? When's the last time you heard a story like this from someone in this country?

 

Setting: Mianus, Connecticut, where a family has dinner together, right after the son returns home from college for the summer

 

Theodore Bobblehead (father): "So, son, how has school been going for you?"

 

Simon Bobblehead (son): "Oh, pretty good. You know, it's just...school..."

 

Bertha Bobblehead (mother): "Oh, come on, honey. It's been five months since we last saw you. Talk to us. So, met any cute girls yet?"

 

Simon: "Moooooom..."

 

Bertha: "What? What did I do?"

 

Simon: "Oh, nothing..."

 

Theodore: "Son, is there something bothering you? It looks like you're deep in thought, but something is holding you back. What is it?"

 

Simon: "Actually, dad, and mom, there's something I need to tell the both of you, and, it's kind of a big deal. Through the entire flight here, I thought about what I was going to say and how I was going to say it, but something has been holding me back. Please just tell me that no matter what I say, you'll both still love and accept me for who I am. Can you please promise me that?"

 

Theodore and Bertha: "Yes, of course..."

 

Simon: ::sighs:: "Okay, mom, dad, I'm a Christian."

 

Theodore: "What? What? WHAT? No son of mine is ever going to be a Christian! Get out of this house, mister, and don't you ever come back!"

 

Yeah, like I said, the comparison is utterly ridiculous.

 

The final excerpt I’ll be sharing with you today can be found on pages 170 through 172, and is called, “Men and women really are from different planets.”

 

Men and women really are from different planets

While I shouldn't be incredibly surprised by the results of a study I read not too long ago, it still made me chuckle. Men and women really are from two different planets.

 

In the October 2013 issue of Archives of Sexual Behavior, a study concocted by researchers from the University of Texas at Austin was published, where 24,000 people were asked about sexual regrets of their pasts. Unsurprisingly, men and women tended to trend differently when it came to such regrets.

 

Women's most common regrets:

 

1. "Losing their virginity to the wrong partner" (24%)

 

2. "Cheating on a present or past partner" (23%)

 

3. "Moving too fast sexually" (20%)

 

Men's most common regrets:

 

1. "Failing to make a move on a prospective sexual partner" (27%)

 

2. "Not being more sexually adventurous in their youth" (23%)

 

3. "Not being more sexually adventurous when single" (19%)

 

Yes, while women seemed to feel guilty for having too much sex, men felt guilty for not having enough sex. I picture such a man and a woman, whom are romantically involved with one another but going through some rough times, engaging in the following conversation:

 

Juanita Mann: "I'm sorry! I'm so sorry! Every single day, I pray that you were my first and not that jerk, Joe Blow!"

 

Mike Schwantz: "I feel guilty too. I wish I had penetrated many women before you."

 

Juanita Mann: "What? What do you mean? I wanted to save myself for you!"

 

Mike Schwantz: "I totally respect that, but while you'd be over there saving yourself for me, I'd be off screwing every woman in sight so I could better pleasure you - to make you happy and make this thing last. In essence, my penis getting around would likely save our relationship."

 

Juanita Mann: "I don't want to be one of THOSE women! I don't want to be a woman you just see as an object! I really wish I hadn't have let things move so fast with you."

 

Mike Schwantz: "So fast? That was the second date. That's not fast at all. If you had waited to a third date, we probably wouldn't be having this conversation right now."

 

Juanita Mann: "You mean, you wouldn't have dated me after our second date if I didn't sleep with you?"

 

Mike Schwantz: "Hey - a guy has needs. If my guy downstairs ain't happy, I'm not happy. That's why I wish I would have slept around more when I was single."

 

Juanita Mann: "Seriously? When I was single, I was just hoping to meet a guy like you."

 

Mike Schwantz: "Really? When I was single, I just wanted to know where I could stick it."

 

Juanita Mann: "I can't believe everything you're saying! I think we should break up!"

 

Mike Schwantz: "Very well. So, what are you going to do from here then?"

 

Juanita Mann: "Probably just talk to and cry with my girlfriends, get drunk, and slowly but surely, get over you and find someone else who I can fall in love with. ...and you?"

 

Mike Schwantz: "Go out with the guys, hit on some women, and take at least one of them home with me to have a wild night of sex. Tomorrow's Friday, so yeah - that sounds good."

 

Juanita Mann: "Oh my God! How could you?" ::cries and runs off::

 

Mike Schwantz: "What got into her? Not me anymore." ::laughs, before going deep in thought:: "So, who can I stick it in now?"

 

The book can be purchased on paperback for $14.00 on Lulu and on Kindle for $4.99 on Amazon. If you have any questions on the book, don’t hesitate to ask.

 

That’s it for today’s episode. Until next time, you can check me out on PodBean, Twitter, Amazon, and Blogger. This has been I Feel Snitty, with Craig Rozniecki. Take care.