Transcript for Podcast: "I Feel Snitty," Episode 145: "Take a Look, It's in My Book, It's a Reading Promo - Part 15" is now available!

Podcast: I Feel Snitty

Episode 145: Take a Look, It's in My Book, It's a Reading Promo - Part 15

Premiere Date: 5/5/21

Length: 12:42 (2,164 words)

Link: https://ifeelsnitty.podbean.com/e/take-a-look-its-in-my-book-its-a-reading-promo-part-15/

Transcript: 

Welcome to I Feel Snitty, episode 145, entitled, “Take a Look, It’s in My Book, It’s a Reading Promo – Part 15.” I’m your host, Craig Rozniecki.

 

For whatever reason, in 2016 and 2017, The Onion-esque satirical short story ideas attacked my noggin like a husky attacks a patch of snow in Tucson. This prompted me to release a book filled with every one of these satirical short stories, entitled, A Collection of Satirical Short Stories: A Bigly Clever Title.

 

I honestly haven’t received a great deal of feedback for this book, but I think it’s pretty clever. With it, I was also able to cross off an item on my bucket list: To write an Onion-style book. Mission accomplished.

 

On that note, here are five excerpts from this bigly clever book.

 

The first writing comes on pages 14 and 15, and is entitled, “Cop shoots marathon runner as he crosses the finish line.”

 

Cop shoots marathon runner as he crosses the finish line

Sadly, the New York City Marathon was cut short this year when David Nairobi of Kenya was tragically shot and killed by Sheriff Daniel Shihtferbrains as he crossed the finish line to win the race.

 

When asked to comment about the event, Sheriff Shihtferbrains said, "The guy was coming right at me, really fast too! His arms were violently swinging back and forth when he was running! Not only that, but he charged right through this banner looking deal, which I think was made of steel or bricks or something! In any case, I had no choice. The man appeared to be on a mission, like he was seriously going for something and nothing was going to stop him! I mean, what was I supposed to do, you know? Fortunately, I got that first one, because for whatever reason, tons more were about to follow him. After I shot him, though, and I'm still not sure why this happened, but everyone started running away from me. They should have been walking right up to me and thanking me. I mean, who knows how many lives I saved that day?"

 

In response to the event and the sheriff's comments, the New York Police Department union released a statement, saying, "We've yet to determine whether or not Mr. Nairobi stole a pack of chewing gum from a gas station when he was 7-years-old or whether or not he ever consumed any wine while in church. Due to all of these questions surrounding a black man's character, I mean, Mr. Nairobi's character, and the fact this was caught on tape with millions of witnesses, we believe Sheriff Shihterferbrains won't face any charges."

 

The next writing comes on pages 19 and 20, and is titled, “Giuliani: ‘Most wives don’t love their husbands.’”

 

Giuliani: "Most wives don't love their husbands."

Former New York City mayor Rudy Giuliani made a startling statement in an interview with TMZ this week, when he said, "I know this is a horrible thing to say, but I seriously believe that most wives don't love their husbands."

 

Giuliani, who has himself been married three times, once to a second cousin, went on to state, "Very rarely do I hear wives tell their husbands things like, 'You're the most exceptional husband in the world,' and instead they will often times criticize their husbands. I'm sorry, but if a wife doesn't love all of her husband - every single thing about him - and doesn't think he's the greatest man in the world, then she can't truly love him."

 

The former New York City mayor wasn't done there, as he added, "Look, if our wives truly love us - their husbands - we have to hear about this love all the time. Instead of saying things like: 'Why didn't you take the garbage out this morning?,' 'Why didn't you do the dishes like you said you would?,' and 'Why did you fall asleep during sex again last night?,' they should be saying things like, 'I love you more than anything in this world,' 'You're my superhero, my Superman,' and 'To me, you're more perfect than Jesus, and like he did for us, I'd die for you, because I love you so much - more than my

own life!' If us guys don't constantly hear things like that, we're going to start thinking our wives don't love us anymore."

 

When asked about his comments, Giuliani's two ex-wives responded, "None of what he said is true. A woman can still love her husband if there's one thing about him she doesn't like. We divorced him, not because there was just one thing about him we didn't like, but because there wasn't one thing about him we still liked."

 

His second cousin added, "Another factor in our divorce was that he was disappointed I wasn't a first cousin."

 

Giuliani didn't say much when he heard about his ex-wives' response. He just said, "9/11."

 

The next piece is titled, “6-year-old Tommy Piledriver becomes the next GOP spokesperson,” and can be found on pages 49 and 50.

 

6-year-old Tommy Piledriver becomes the latest GOP spokesperson

After writing a nearly legible letter in crayon to Republican National Committee Chairman Reince Priebus, the RNC chairman took 6-year-old Tommy Piledriver of Ding Dong, Texas under his wing, and has turned him into the latest GOP spokesperson.

 

When I caught up with the RNC chairman and asked him about this development, here's what he told me:

 

"From the red, white, and blue crayons he used in the letter; to reasoning with a loud voice, wild gestures, emotion, and manipulation over facts, numbers, and logic; to seeing the world revolve around himself, I just knew little Tommy would make for the perfect spokesperson for the Republican Party."

 

Priebus was right. Not long after Tommy Piledriver was announced as a GOP spokesperson, he started making the rounds on cable news shows, Fox News in particular. The 6-year-old will even be hosting a show on Fox in the coming weeks, entitled, The World According to Tommy. If the clips I've seen are any indication, this show will rank right up there with the likes of Hannity and The O'Reilly Factor in terms of its intellect, honesty, and maturity. Here are a few of Tommy's quotes from the clips I saw:

 

- "Give me that cookie; it's mine! I built that!"

 

- "Girls are so much more stupider than boys! Like, duh!"

 

- "You think that toy is yours? Not anymore! Now it's mine, you moosher, musher, moocher, or whatever it is my dad always calls people!"

 

- "If I say the Earth is made of mac & cheese, it is! So there!"

 

- "Squirt guns don't kill people, you idiots!"

 

In light of this news, Fox News Chairman and CEO Roger Ailes said, "I think this could go down as the most intelligent, thought-provoking show ever aired on Fox!"

 

Since Ailes publicly said those words, fact-checker PolitiFact has researched his claim and graded it "Mostly True."

 

The next writing is called, “Introducing the new Republican talking barbie doll,” and is on pages 50 through 52.

 

Introducing the new Republican talking Barbie doll

In recent years, the Republican Party has been heavily criticized for waging a war against women, often times even being labeled as sexist for their views. Many in the party have spoken out against: equal pay for women, their reproductive rights, and contraception coverage in their employer-based healthcare plans, among other things. Having not won the women's vote since 1988, and with the 2016 election looming, the GOP recently unveiled a surprise to help them better appeal to potential women voters -

the Republican talking Barbie doll.

 

The doll has: long blonde hair, blue eyes, teeth so white they appear to have never come into contact with food or drinks, an impossibly thin waistline, and breasts twice the size of her waist. She's wearing a short skirt which sports the Confederate flag; red, white, and blue heels; all the while holding an AK-47 in her right hand and a Bible in her left.

 

When a string is pulled from between her legs, the Republican talking Barbie doll will utter one of these lines:

 

- "Are you tired from your exhausting off-day, honey? Want me to make you a sandwich?"

 

- "Citizens United was the right thing to do! Corporations are people! You know how I know? Guess who my biggest crush is right now? No, not George Clooney. No, not even Ryan Gosling. It's Exxon Mobil! He's so hot!"

 

- "Go ahead and watch the game while I clean the house...8-months pregnant. Like you said last week, I need some exercise anyway."

 

- "I love guns, especially the small ones. I love any hard thing I can wrap one of my hands around that will go off quickly!"

 

- "Ask me anything and I'll say yes, even if it's that weird deal you told me about a while back, which included: Hot Tamales, a rubber band, maracas, and Sarah Palin."

 

When learning about this new item, the following conservatives made their voices heard about the matter:

 

- "Wow, is it hot in here or is it just her? If I were the Republican Ken doll, I'd be all over that!" – Mike Huckabee

 

- "From this day forward, you can't spell ‘patriotism’ without ‘Barbie'." - Rick Perry

 

- "It's really too bad Carly Fiorina's face doesn't look like that, I mean, her persona." - Donald Trump

 

The Republican National Committee also released this statement on the matter: "We hope this proves once and for all that the Republican Party isn't out to attack women; we love and respect every sexy curve of women's bodies. We also hope it proves we're not sexist against women; we appreciate all the hard work they do inside the house with cooking, cleaning, and taking care of the kids - you know, what God made them for in the first place."

 

The final excerpt I’ll be sharing comes on page 109, and is titled, “Donald Trump punches child, demands apology.”

 

Donald Trump punches child, demands apology

At a rally in Yuma, Arizona yesterday, President Donald Trump came after a 10-year-old boy holding up a sign which read, "His Hands Are Smaller Than Mine!" When I say the president came after the 4^th grader, I mean this literally, as the president, who kept referring to the boy as "Chico," left the stage, approached the boy, grabbed a hold of his sign, and when failing to tear it up, threw it to the ground, stomped upon it, and then punched little Antonio Alamo in the face, knocking the pre-pubescent boy out cold. After this occurred, the president raised his arms and asked for applause from the audience,

before walking back to the mic and saying, "That's what I call a TIKO, folks, big league. That's how you get it done. If you mess with me, I mess with you. It's that simple. It's that simple. You may be strong, like little Chico over there, but I'm stronger. I guarantee it."

 

After receiving almost universal backlash from the media, the public, fellow politicians, and being charged with multiple crimes, President Trump took a step back from his celebratory remarks and confronted the heated criticism with this:

 

"The biased liberal media is doing it again, attacking me like no one else could legally attack a person. They're trying to tell you that I punched a boy in the face, that I should apologize, that I should take some anger mismanagement courses or something, but that's not going to happen. I didn't punch that boy. Watch the video, folks. Watch the video. I walked up to him, extended my fist in his general direction, and his face ran into it. This happens all the time. People stick their fists out, people run into them, and then somehow the fisters get into trouble, and that's not right, and has to change right now.

Does this hospitalized boy realize how difficult he's made my life over the past day? I've been called nasty things, like I've been called angry, violent, mean, and that's just not right, and Chico should apologize to me and my family immediately. If he doesn't, his face might run into my fist again. I'm just sayin'. I'm just sayin'. I'm the most peaceful, loving man in the world, and if you don't believe me, I'm going to punch you right in the face, believe me. God bless you all and God bless the United States of Russia, I mean America."

 

In response to this speech, little Antonio Alamo said, "Tiny hands. Tinier wee-wee."

 

The book can be purchased on paperback for $12.50 on Lulu and on Kindle for $3.99 on Amazon. If you have any questions on the book, don’t hesitate to ask.

 

That’s it for today’s episode. Until next time, you can check me out on PodBean, Twitter, Amazon, and Blogger. This has been I Feel Snitty, with Craig Rozniecki. Take care.