Transcript for Podcast: "I Feel Snitty," Episode 142: "Take a Look, It's in My Book, It's a Reading Promo - Part 12" is now available!

Podcast: I Feel Snitty

Episode 142: Take a Look, It's in My Book, It's a Reading Promo - Part 12

Premiere Date: 5/5/21 

Length: 25:15 (4,323 words)

Link: https://ifeelsnitty.podbean.com/e/take-a-look-its-in-my-book-its-a-reading-promo-part-12/

Transcript: 

Welcome to I Feel Snitty, episode 142, entitled, “Take a Look, It’s in My Book, It’s a Reading Promo – Part 12.” I’m your host, Craig Rozniecki.

 

If you thought I’d had enough in 2014 after releasing three books, you’d be sorely mistaken. Shortly after releasing LOL at the GOP – Volume 4, The Kind-Hearted Smartass – Volume 2, and The Kind-Hearted Smart Aleck – Volume 2, I released this next book – LOL at the GOP – Volume 5: You Can’t Spell “Forgot to Take Their Crazy Pills” Without “Tea Party.”  Here now are five excerpts from that book.

 

This first writing can be found on pages 12 through 16, and is called, “Gettin’ deep with a Critical Thinking professor and a Tea Partier.”

 

Gettin’ deep with a Critical Thinking professor and a Tea Partier

I for one don't really like the thought of always being looked after or watched. Whether it be the federal government or a higher power, I can't say I care for the idea that someone can see my every move. Far-right conservatives appear to feel differently on the matter - especially under our current president. While many may feel a sense of relief and protection with the thought that God is watching over us, they feel a sense of fear and paranoia with the thought that President Obama and the federal government is doing something similar. Also, I find it funny that often times these same individuals will talk about God giving us everything we need (and more), but the federal government either doesn't provide any useful services or simply only gives to the neediest among us, whom abuse the system. Keeping all this in mind, I have to imagine a conversation between such a Tea Partier and a Critical Thinking professor would go as follows:

 

Professor Idonthinkso: "So, what are your thoughts and feelings on the NSA? Of the federal government having the capability of finding out anything about you?"

 

Jeffrey Uhh: "I don't like it! I don't like it at all! I feel like my privacy has been invaded - like no matter what I do, I'm being watched or followed."

 

Idonthinkso: "Do you believe in God?"

 

Uhh: "Of course! What reasonable person doesn't?"

 

Idonthinkso: "I won't get into that. So, do you believe God is omniscient?"

 

Uhh: "What's that?"

 

Idonthinkso: "Do you believe God is all-knowing? That he knows everything about every single one of us and can see all daily events as they transpire?"

 

Uhh: "Yeah, I do."

 

Idonthinkso: "...and how does that make you feel?"

 

Uhh: "Good, actually. It makes me feel like someone is watching out for me - to protect me from the evils of this world."

 

Idonthinkso: "Like terrorism?"

 

Uhh: "Yeah - exactly!"

 

Idonthinkso: "Isn't that what the federal government is doing in a way as well? Watching out for us to protect us from the evils of this world - like terrorism?"

 

Uhh: "Well, yeah, but..."

 

Idonthinkso: "But what?"

 

Uhh: "I don't trust Obama, but I do trust God."

 

Idonthinkso: "...and just why exactly do you trust God?"

 

Uhh: "Because he created this world, made my life what it is today, and whenever I need him, he's always there for me."

 

Idonthinkso: "He's always there for you in what form exactly?"

 

Uhh: "What do you mean?"

 

Idonthinkso: "Have you ever seen him?"

 

Uhh: "No"

 

Idonthinkso: "Have you ever heard him speak to you?"

 

Uhh: "No"

 

Idonthinkso: "So, you said he's always been there for you... How so?"

 

Uhh: "I don't know. I just feel it, I guess."

 

Idonthinkso: "Alright... So you say that he created this world. What specifically did he create?"

 

Uhh: "The world - everything"

 

Idonthinkso: "So, everything we can physically sense in this world is attributable to God?"

 

Uhh: "Yeah"

 

Idonthinkso: "And all of us are at least partially dependent on God's creation then?"

 

Uhh: "Yeah, definitely"

 

Idonthinkso: "And should people feel ashamed of this in any way?"

 

Uhh: "No - why should they?"

 

Idonthinkso: "True. So what do you think about the government? The things they do and the services they provide?"

 

Uhh: "I don't like them one bit - especially Obama! They punish success, give to the worthless moochers, and force people to be dependent on them!"

 

Idonthinkso: "Do you drive?"

 

Uhh: "Yeah"

 

Idonthinkso: "How do you think the roads got there?"

 

Uhh: "God"

 

Idonthinkso: "Sorry, but they got there by way of the government. Have you ever attended public school?"

 

Uhh: "Yeah"

 

Idonthinkso: "That too was brought to you by the government. Do you ever make use of the postal service or receive aid from police or firefighters?"

 

Uhh: "Uh-huh"

 

Idonthinkso: "Once again, these have been provided to you by the government. So, isn't it true that, like you said about God, we're all a little dependent on government?"

 

Uhh: "I guess"

 

Idonthinkso: "And should people feel ashamed of this?"

 

Uhh: "Yeah, they should!"

 

Idonthinkso: "So, in your mind, while all of us are at least partially dependent on God and the government, we should only feel shame for being dependent on the government?"

 

Uhh: "Exactly!"

 

Idonthinkso: "And why is this?"

 

Uhh: "Because I love God and hate Obama!"

 

Idonthinkso: "Why do you hate Obama so much?"

 

Uhh: "Because he's trying to make us all dependent on government!"

 

Idonthinkso: "Just like we're all dependent on God?"

 

Uhh: "Yes! No! I don't know!"

 

Idonthinkso: "You sound confused. I think now's a good time to stop for today. It'll give you some time to think things over and then perhaps we can discuss matters further at a later date. Does that sound good?"

 

Uhh: "Yeah, sure"

 

Idonthinkso: "So, what do you have planned for the rest of the day?"

 

Uhh: "I'm going to go home and watch Fox News!"

 

Idonthinkso: "Jesus H. Christ…”

 

This next piece can be found on pages 36 through 40, and is called, “The Tea Party shall now be known as The Huggies Party.”

 

The Tea Party shall now be known as The Huggies Party

More and more, the Tea Party is coming across to me like little kids trying to prove their independence and make their parents proud. While the thought of complete freedom and independence is great, one would have to be in serious denial to think it's actually possible. Here are two short stories to illustrate that point.

 

Setting: A Tea Partier having a drink with a friend at a bar called O'Really's?

 

Ted Putz: "You know what I hate more than anything?"

 

Lionel Rationale: "This should be good... No - what?"

 

Putz: "Obamacare"

 

Rationale: "Oh yeah? Why's that?"

 

Putz: "Because it's taking away our freedoms! It's destroying the greatness that this nation was founded upon!"

 

Rationale: "So you no longer feel free because of Obamacare?"

 

Putz: "No, not at all! In fact, I won't feel free until we're without government. We don't need it! We can take care of ourselves! I know I can!"

 

Rationale: "There's no need for government whatsoever?"

 

Putz: "No, not unless you're a Commie!"

 

Rationale: "Interesting... Don't you drive a car?"

 

Putz: "Yeah - so? What's your point?"

 

Rationale: "The government helps fund the roads you drive on, you know... How would you drive to work and back every day without these roads?"

 

Putz: "I'd find a way."

 

Rationale: "Okay, but how?"

 

Putz: "I don't know. I just would!"

 

Rationale: "Alright. Weren't you educated in public schools? Where would you have gotten your education if the government didn't help fund those institutions?"

 

Putz: "My folks could have taught me! They're the smartest people in the world!"

 

Rationale: "Aren't they still trying to earn their GEDs?"

 

Putz: "They've given up for the time being, but still... I'd be fine without a public education."

 

Rationale: "Have you ever needed emergency help from the police or firefighters?"

 

Putz: "You know my folks burned down our house a few years back after trying to make an indoor bonfire."

 

Rationale: "...and they're the smartest people in the world? Nevermind... Okay, so what would you have done without the help of firefighters?"

 

Putz: "I could have done that - no problem. I'd just drink a ton of alcohol and water, and after breaking the seal, I'd pee all over the fire to put it out."

 

Rationale: "Okay then... What about student loans, and weren't you on Medicaid for a little while?"

 

Putz: "Still am... Look - I see what you're trying to do and it's not going to work! I can take care of myself and don't need the government's help! Never have and never will!"

 

Rationale: "But you just said you have, continue to do so, and probably will in the future..."

 

Putz: "Whatever! Shut-up! Commie!"

 

Rationale: "Hey, bartender? I think I should probably cash out. Thanks."

 

 

Setting: Little boy at home after school

 

Ted Putz, Jr.: "Look, mom! I went to school all by myself!"

 

Marcia Wishiwasnota-Putz: "Well, your father drove you, but yeah..."

 

Ted: "If I can do that, I can do anything!"

 

Marcia: "Sure, you can, sweetie." ::pats him on the head::

 

Ted: "I'm going to go outside now and ride my bike - the way I always have!"

 

Marcia: "Don't trip on the training wheels again. It took your father and I long enough to teach you to ride that thing with training wheels. The last thing we need is you stumbling over them again. I fear the day when we actually teach you to ride it without training wheels."

 

Ted: "What, mom?"

 

Marcia: "Oh, nothing. Have fun, but be back in before long, because supper will be ready soon. Okay?"

 

Ted: "Okay, mom" ::gets to his bike:: "Freedom!" ::trips over the training wheels:: "Ow! Mommy! Help!"

 

Marcia: ::was watching him while the food was cooking:: "Oh, honey, are you okay? It's okay, sweetie. Mommy's here."

 

Ted: ::cries:: "I'm a big kid now."

 

Marcia: ::laughs:: "Yes, you most certainly are. Now let's go inside. I'll put a band-aid on that boo-boo and make it feel all better. Then we can eat dinner and have some ice cream!"

 

The next writing can be found on pages 69 through 72, and is titled, “I miss her already (Michele Bachmann)…”

 

I miss her already (Michele Bachmann)...

Once in a great while, a politician comes along with whom we feel a certain connection. Interns likely felt this connection with former President Bill Clinton - both literally and figuratively. Kindergarteners likely felt this connection with ex-President George W. Bush. I've felt this connection with Minnesota Congresswoman and person voted to have the scariest eyes this side of Charles Manson – Michele Bachmann. Whenever Bachmann spoke, I felt a little more intelligent, sane, and, well, human. She was like my afternoon talk show, where after hearing her speak, I thought to myself, "You know what? My life isn't so bad after all!"

 

So understandably, I was quite saddened to hear that Ms. Bachmann won't be running for another term come the November elections. Thankfully, whenever I'm feeling a little blue, I'll be able to turn to the Internet(s - thanks for that one, Dubya) to hear some of Bachmann's classic quotes, such as the following:

 

Bachmann: "Before we get started, let's all say 'Happy Birthday' to Elvis Presley today." (This was said on August 16th of 2011. Presley was born on January 8th).

 

My reaction: She was only off 5 or 7 months, depending on how you look at it. I guess, for her, that's not too bad. Way to go, Ms. Bachmann!

 

 

Bachmann: "But we also know that the very founders that wrote those documents worked tirelessly until slavery was no more in the United States. ... I think it is high time that we recognize the contribution of our forbearers who worked tirelessly -- men like John Quincy Adams, who would not rest until slavery was extinguished in the country."

 

My reaction: Given the fact John Quincy Adams was 8-years-old at the time, he was not a Founding Father. If Adams had been a Founding Father, a portion of the Declaration of Independence would likely read as follows:

"This country is about three things - life, games, and the pursuit of snacks."

 

 

Bachmann: "I find it interesting that it was back in the 1970s that the swine flu broke out under another, then under another Democrat president, Jimmy Carter. I'm not blaming this on President Obama, I just think it's an interesting coincidence."

 

My reaction: The swine flu broke out in 1976 when Gerald Ford was president, who last I heard, was a Republican. Besides being wrong about the particular president and the party, she was spot on with everything else.

 

I'm surprised after the Benghazi attacks, Bachmann didn't say, "I find it interesting that it was back in the early 2000s that the 9/11 attacks happened, then under another Democrat president, Bill Clinton. I'm not blaming this on President Obama, I just think it's an interesting coincidence." Indeed...

 

 

Bachmann: "Well what I want them to know is just like, John Wayne was from Waterloo, Iowa. That's the kind of spirit that I have too."

 

My reaction: That would be serial killer John Wayne Gacy. I can just hear the following ad if Ms. Bachmann ever ran for office again:

 

"'She has the spirit of John Wayne Gacy. She has the charisma of Charles Manson. She has the vision of David Berkowitz and the hunger of Jeffrey Dahmer. She is Michele Bachmann - a woman of family values. Vote Bachmann or else!' 'I'm Michele Bachmann and I approve this message.'"

 

 

Bachmann: "I will tell you that I had a mother last night come up to me here in Tampa, Florida, after the debate. She told me that her little daughter took that vaccine that injection and she suffered from mental retardation thereafter."

 

My reaction: Oddly enough, Ms. Bachmann has never "took that vaccine that injection" and she seems to have suffered similar results thereafter.

 

Yes, I'm really going to miss her...

 

The following writing is entitled, “Bad-ass Jesus,” and is on pages 93 through 96.

 

Bad-ass Jesus

I often times wonder what Bible far-right Republicans, especially Tea Partiers, are reading. Many claim to be devout Christians - worshipers of Christ. However, when hearing them speak and seeing what actions they've taken while in office, these words and actions don't really jive with the central character in the Bible and the man they supposedly worship - Jesus. From speaking out against homosexuals, to trying to provide the rich benefits while taking away from the poor, to treating guns like gods, to going to war with smiles on their faces, it puzzles me to no end how these very people can adamantly declare that they are followers of Christ. Whatever Bible they've read, this appears to be how it came across to them:

 

Setting: On a bench in downtown San Francisco, since the Jewish Jesus was apparently born in the United States

 

Peter: "Can you believe those guys?"

 

Paul: "I know - can't they at least wait until they get home to do that crap?"

 

Jesus: ::yells out:: "Queers!"

 

Peter: "Wow! You go, JC!" ::high five::

 

Jesus: "I know what Meat Loaf meant when he sang, 'I would do anything for love, but I won't do that,' because I love everyone - except for them queers."

 

Paul: "Right on, JC! Right on! So, who are we waiting for again?"

 

Jesus: "Ted Nugent. He's going to bring us a few new toys to play with. Oh, wouldn't you know it? I see him right now."

 

Paul: "Ha! You always have perfect timing, JC!"

 

Jesus: "I am fricking perfect, aren't I?"

 

Paul: "Yes, yes you are."

 

Jesus: "That's what I thought!"

 

Paul: "Are you okay, sir?"

 

Jesus: "Sorry, I just get a little anxious whenever Ted brings me new toys."

 

Paul: "Understood"

 

Jesus: "Hey Teddy, how in the hell are you? Give me some sugar!"

 

::the two give one another a half-arsed one-armed man hug::

 

Person walking by: "Queers!"

 

Jesus: "Hey! You were on the edge anyway! You're going to hell, tough guy!"

 

Ted Nugent: "Ha-ha! You sure told him!"

 

Jesus: "Damn straight, I did! Pun intended!"

 

::they all bust out laughing::

 

Peter: "You always had a great sense of humor, JC!"

 

Jesus: "Thanks, Petey. Anyway, Ted, have you got the stuff?"

 

Ted: "You know it, man! Here you are. What do you think about that?"

 

Jesus: "Oh my Father, this is one precious piece of freedom. You always knew my taste with guns. Like Sir Mix-a-Lot with butts, I like big guns and well, since I'm perfect and all, it's a fact I cannot lie."

 

::they all laugh again::

 

Paul: "You're on a roll today!"

 

Jesus: "Aren't I always? Anyway, let's walk around with these things, point them at bums, and make them crap their pants some more. Does that sound good?"

 

Peter, Paul, and Ted: "Yeah!"

 

Jesus: ::points his gun at a bum:: "Bang! Bang! Bang!"

 

Bum: ::starts shaking::

 

Jesus: "Ha-ha! We got one!" ::high-five:: "Okay, who else do we got? Oh, I see another one..."

 

Bum: ::looks up::

 

Jesus: "Freeze! You're under arrest for being a worthless pile of garbage! Anything you say or do won't matter, because you don't amount to anything!"

 

Bum: ::starts crying::

 

Jesus: "Pansy... I can't stand those no good bums and poor people always looking for handouts! If they think their lives are hard, try getting crucified on a fricking cross and dying for all of man's sins! That, my friends, is a..."

 

Person walking close by: "Handout?"

 

Jesus: "What did you say, punk?"

 

Random person: "You heard me..."

 

Jesus: ::points gun at him:: "What, do you think you're tough or something? I'm fricking Jesus! I eat people like you for breakfast!"

 

Random person: "Tougher than you. I don't need to carry a gun around with me at all times and pick on the homeless to know this."

 

Jesus: "Well, let's see if you think you're tough now."

 

::JC shoots the guy in the leg::

 

Random guy: "Goddammit!"

 

::JC shoots him again, this time in the head and kills him::

 

Ted: "Whoa! That was bad-ass, man!"

 

Jesus: "Hey, I'm all about my 2nd Amendment rights. He was attacking me and I had to use self-defense. What else was I supposed to do? Anyway, he said my father's name in vain. Sinner..."

 

The final excerpt I’ll be sharing can be found on pages 96 through 101, and is titled, “Beyond Cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs.”

 

Beyond Cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs

Led by the Tea Party, the further to the right the GOP travels, the more it appears they're devoid of reality. When it comes to the problems of this world, it'll help more to pray than to actually do something about them. When it comes to gun violence, films, music, and video games are more to blame than the actual device which injured or killed people. Interpretation of scripture trumps scientific evidence to the contrary. Conspiracies take precedence over fact-checking. Yes, in the modern-day Republican Party, it's felt like the story of the Easter Bunny is more widely believed than that of Gandhi, and here's a story which attempts to depict just how cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs they've become.

 

Setting: A group of Republicans sitting around a table in a conference meeting room

 

Ted Cruz: "Okay, guys - here's the deal. I've set up four stations around the room. You'll each draw a slip of paper out of this top hat - in honor of Abraham Lincoln - to find out which station you'll be at. These four stations include: 1) Watching the violent film An American Psycho on television, 2) Listening to Marilyn Manson's angry Antichrist Superstar CD, 3) Playing the disturbing video game Grand Theft Auto, and 4) Shooting a gun. You will receive brief instructions when you arrive at the stations. After today's experiment, we will show all those gun-control nuts what's really to blame for gun violence! Are you ready?"

 

Steve King, Louie Gohmert, Michele Bachmann, and Sarah Palin: "Yee-haw! Woo-hoo!"

 

::the Republicans draw slips of paper from the top hat::

 

King: "Aw, man. I gotta listen to that weird chick, Marilyn Manson. Shoot."

 

Gohmert: "I get to play a video game. Well, this is going to be weird. The last time I played one of them was when I was a kid and we played that Monopoly game on some kind of a board."

 

Bachmann: "Well, I get to watch a movie. Doesn't this film have that Christian guy in it? I like Christians. I'm a Christian myself."

 

Palin: "Who gets to shoot a gun? This girl does! You betcha!"

 

Cruz: "Okay, now that you've all drawn slips of paper from the hat, you may all go to your stations. Carefully read the directions and then get to it! Let's do this!"

 

King: ::listens to Marilyn Manson::

 

Manson: "The beautiful people, the beautiful people, it's all relative to the size of your steeple, you can't see the forest from the trees, and you can't smell your own shit on your knees..."

 

King: ::yells:: "What's going on here? I thought this was a weird chick. Is she one of those she-males? What's he-she talkin' about? What about the forest and the trees? Is this one of those stupid environmental freaks?"

 

Gohmert: ::plays Grand Theft Auto:: "Well, this is different than that video-board game I played as a child - really different. What's with all of these buttons? Oh, wait - I just pressed something and something is happening. Whoa - this chick ain't hardly wearin' nothin'. I haven't seen somethin' like that in quite some time. Holy moly! Look at the water balloons on her!"

 

Bachmann: ::watches American Psycho:: "Hey, I thought this man was a Christian! He ain't no Christian! He's probably one of those evil Muslims! This shouldn't be called American Psycho! There are no psychos in America! It should be called All Crazy Evil Muslims Are Psycho!"

 

Palin: ::reads instructions:: "Okay, I first have to shoot the wall over here. That sounds easy enough." ::shoots the wall:: "Ha! I gotcha! What's next? Next, I'm supposed to shoot the floor." ::shoots the floor:: "Wow - this is way too easy. Well, I'm convinced - guns don't kill anyone. They don't even hurt people."

 

King: ::gets to the end of the Manson CD:: "Ah! I hate you! I hate you! I hate all of you! Screw you! You all suck! I wanna punch you all in the ovaries! Yeah! Yeah! Did you hear that?!? Huh?!?"

 

Gohmert: ::finishes playing Grand Theft Auto:: "Where's my gun at? Who else wants to get in my car and shoot some thugs and hos? I'm sick and tired of putting up with them thugs and hos! It's time for them all to die! Who's with me?"

 

Bachmann: ::finishes watching American Psycho:: "Well, that about does it! You're all going to die! Never have I been so angry! Where's my purse? I need my pistol! Get ready to die!"

 

Palin: ::continues to read instructions:: "Wow - this next step is the real challenge. I'm now supposed to shoot someone in the head. Okay, I think I can do that." ::shoots and kills Steve King::

 

::everyone stops what they're doing and rushes to King's side::

 

Gohmert: "What the heck did you do, Sarah?"

 

Palin: "I was just doing what I was told to do. It said to shoot someone. I chose Steve."

 

Bachmann: "Is he okay?"

 

Cruz: "Of course he is. Okay, let's all allow him to sleep for a little while and gather back at the table to discuss today's events."

 

::they all sit down at the table::

 

Cruz: "Alright, so I'll get to Steve when he's up again. Let's start with Louie. Louie, in the video game you played, did people die?"

 

Gohmert: "Yes"

 

Cruz: "Did actual people die in the game?"

 

Gohmert: "Yes"

 

Cruz: "Did you kill anyone because of it?"

 

Gohmert: "Unfortunately, yes"

 

Cruz: "Okay, now let's head over to Michele. Did people die in the movie you watched? Actual people? ...and because of this violence, did you kill anyone?"

 

Bachmann: "Yes to all of them! I feel so ashamed!"

 

Cruz: "It'll be okay, Michele. Just don't think about it at all and it'll be just fine. Lastly, Sarah, did you fire the gun?"

 

Palin: "Three times!"

 

Cruz: "Did you shoot anyone with it?"

 

Palin: "Yeah - Steve over there"

 

Cruz: "Did he die because of it?"

 

Palin: "No - he's just sleeping. You know Steve!"

 

Cruz: "Indeed. So, I think we can put this one in the books, folks. We have proven that angry music, violent movies, and disturbing video games are the true causes of gun violence in this country and not guns. When we release this video, the gun-control nuts are going to freak!"

 

Gohmert: "Idiots!"

 

Palin: "Yeah, I know, right?!?"

 

King: " "

 

Cruz: "Okay, let's end this special occasion with a prayer. Everyone please bow your heads, close your eyes, and let's talk to the Jesus. 'Heavenly father, thank you for bringing us together today and helping us prove to the world that guns are good and don't kill. When Steve is ready to awaken, please help him up and help him clean up all the ketchup that's around his head. Lord, we also pray that we don't lose sight of the invisible due to the actual, that we don't let scientific studies and numbers cloud our

judgment any, and that we love and accept everyone for who they are, as you do, even though we know they're going to burn in hell. We ask all of these things in your blessed and holy name. Amen."

 

Gohmert: "Amen!"

 

Palin: "Amen! Yes, siree!"

 

King: " "

 

The book can be purchased on paperback for $10.50 on Lulu and on Kindle for $3.99 on Amazon. If you have any questions on the book, don’t hesitate to ask.

 

That’s it for today’s episode. Until next time, you can check me out on PodBean, Twitter, Amazon, and Blogger. This has been I Feel Snitty, with Craig Rozniecki. Take care.