Transcript for Podcast: "I Feel Snitty," Episode 138: "Take a Look, It's in My Book, It's a Reading Promo Part 8" is now available!

Podcast: I Feel Snitty

Episode 138: Take a Look, It's in My Book, It's a Reading Promo - Part 8

Premiere Date: 5/5/21

Length: 24:39 (4,189 words)

Link: https://ifeelsnitty.podbean.com/e/take-a-look-its-in-my-book-its-a-reading-promo-part-8/

Transcript: 

Welcome to I Feel Snitty, episode 138, entitled, “Take a Look, It’s in My Book, It’s a Reading Promo – Part 8.” I’m your host, Craig Rozniecki.

 

Sadly, the next book in my LOL at the GOP series was inspired by the Sandy Hook school shooting toward the very tail-end of 2012. Due to this horrifically tragic event, in 2013, I released the book LOL at the GOP – Volume 3: Guns Don’t Kill, Cars Don’t Drive, and Ovens Don’t Bake. Crazily enough, 8.5 years after the Sandy Hook massacre, most Republican politicians are still saying it’s too soon to talk about the tragedy. Not me, though. It’s our silence and lack of action which helped make these mass shootings possible. The greater our silence, the louder the violence.

 

For as tragic as gun violence is, however, I’ll still always try to find ways to make readers and listeners laugh at the right-wing’s ridiculous positions and policy proposals regarding it. Speaking of which, here are five excerpts from LOL at the GOP – Volume 3: Guns Don’t Kill, Cars Don’t Drive, and Ovens Don’t Bake.

 

This first writing is entitled, “The NRA’s ‘National Organizations With Anti-Gun Policies’ list,” and can be found on pages 22 through 24.

 

The NRA's "National Organizations With Anti-Gun Policies" list

Earlier this year, the National Rifle Association updated their "National Organizations With Anti-Gun Policies" list. It's quite the lengthy list, which includes the names of: Organizations (141 of them), celebrities (237), corporations (41), national figures (27), journalists (37), and media outlets (23). Yeah, I'm thinking an added definition of the word "paranoia" in the dictionary could sprout due to this.

 

Here’s a brief list of these 506 names listed by the NRA, along with some personal commentary:

 

American Academy of Pediatrics - The NRA should be fearful of doctors, for they are the ones whom treat people suffering from gunshot wounds. Then again, in the film The Naked Gun, when Jane Spencer (Priscilla Presley) looked at Lieutenant Frank Drebin (Leslie Nielsen) and said, “This world is such a violent place.,” Drebin responded with, “If it wasn’t, I’d be out of a job.” So, perhaps the NRA shouldn't be too fearful after all...

 

National Organization on Disability - The NRA should also be fearful of the disabled, especially those whom were disabled via gunshot. Of course, as many NRA members like to say, "Guns don't kill people; people kill people," they'd also likely declare, "Guns don't disable people; people disable people." Indeed... For the cause of the wound was a person's magical finger - the gun had absolutely nothing to do with it. Excuse me for a moment while I chug Jack Daniels straight from the bottle and when I'm passed out on a neighbor's lawn, completely naked, and am taken away by the cops, I'll just say, "Occifers, I'm not drunk! It wasn't the liquor! It was my magical superpower hands!" Yeah, that's going to persuade them. If I say that, they'll think I'm high as well as drunk.

 

National SAFE KIDS Campaign - An organization looking to keep kids safe? This can't be good. Whether the NRA wants to believe it or not, like George W. Bush and scrabble, kids and guns usually don't mix well. The NRA's philosophy of more guns, less crime doesn't work as well when it comes to kids. It's not like after some children are shot and killed, the NRA stands up and says, "If more kids had guns, there would be less such crimes. Kids - for Christmas, we want you to ask Santa Claus for lots of guns. Just remember that they're not toys. You're welcome, America."

 

Police Foundation - Why in the world would cops be anti-gun? They're the ones attempting to prevent crime. Maybe they know something the NRA doesn't - that more guns doesn't equal less crime. It seems like pretty common sense from my vantage point. The NRA tends to disagree, however. While they're at it, they may want to make the following statements: "More alcohol consumption equals less alcohol-related car accidents! More fried fast-food consumption equals less obesity! More unprotected sex

equals less pregnancies! More listening to us equals a more smarter public!" Right...

 

Southern Christian Leadership Conference - What? I thought Jesus was pro-gun all the way! I remember reading in the book of Glock, chapter 1, verses 1 through 3, Jesus said, "I know I may have said to turn the other cheek in the past, but the new Jesus doesn't turn no stinking cheeks. If someone wrongs you, you take out a semiautomatic weapon and blast his ass to thy kingdom come! Amen." A 'fricking' men is right!

 

Boyz II Men - Yes, the '90s group who did such songs as "Motownphilly," "End of the Road," "It's So Hard to Say Goodbye to Yesterday," and "I'll Make Love to You," should definitely be feared by the NRA. When the NRA discovered that "I'll Make Love to You" wasn't about the men in the band wanting to fornicate with a gun, this proved they were anti-gun and all gun rights' enthusiasts should protest their music.

 

Geraldo - So, a Fox News personality is anti-gun, eh? I'm guessing it's all about image and the mustache. After taking one glance at Geraldo's mustache, the NRA cringed, said they wanted nothing to do with the man, and therefore cast him off as being anti-gun, even though the man's mustache is so powerful, its shot and killed four people whom were wearing hoodies in broad daylight.

 

The Temptations - Yes, the 1960s group who did the songs "My Girl" and "Get Ready" aren't well-liked by the NRA. The average age of the musicians currently with the group is a little under 60. Perhaps the NRA is fearful that before long, some members of this group will soon turn nursing homes anti-gun. As the NRA would say, "The more cranky elders that have guns, the less shootings there will be."

 

Hallmark Cards - Hallmark has always been kind of anti-gun. When's the last time you saw a Hallmark card celebrating a wife's birthday that read, "Happy Birthday! I hope your day is a great one! I love you so much, almost as much as my gun! How I'd like to please you on your birthday by firing my gun inside of you. No, not the gun I was talking about before. You know which gun I'm talking about now, right? You call it a shrinking mini-pistol. Anyway, Happy Birthday! Bang! Bang!" How romantic...

 

Ben & Jerry's Homemade Inc. - I think this has more to do with the fact that there are two guys' names attached to the ice cream than anything else. If it were called "Blasting & Exploding Homemade Inc.," I think the NRA would be okay with it. Ben and Jerry's, though? Even though members of the NRA like to compare the size of their guns with other guys and see how far and accurate their shooting with them is, that name is a little too gay even for them.

 

This next writing can be found on pages 34 through 37, and is titled, “Ohio takes a small step toward abstinence-only education and a giant step toward abstaining from common sense.”

 

Ohio takes a small step toward abstinence-only education and a giant step toward abstaining from common sense

It appears as if the state of Ohio is one step closer to abstinence-only education following a House Finance Committee vote on a budget which included, among other things, the requirement that sex education must not promote "any gateway sexual activity or health message that encourages students to experiment with sexual activity." In addition to this, if parents find out that their child was taught such things by the sex ed teacher, they can sue for damages, which could be as great as $5,000. This has all the ingredients for a MasterCard commercial:

 

"A speeding ticket in Ohio - $100

 

A domestic assault fine in Ohio - $1,000

 

Teaching children about gateway sexual activities in an Ohio sex ed class - $5,000

 

Believing children will be better taught about sex by not teaching them about sex in a sex ed class – Priceless

 

There are some things money can't buy. For everything else, there's MasterCard."

 

It amazes me that abstinence-only-education backers continue to support such legislation when studies are continuing to show that states which teach an abstinence-only program have higher teen pregnancy rates than those which teach a comprehensive-sex ed program.  It's a pretty simple formula. Kids whom learn about sex, including contraception, are more prone to using contraception than those whom

don't learn about it. This leads to fewer teen pregnancies. Yes, it's pretty common sense, but as I've come to learn, common sense is a foreign language to many.

 

This is what I halfway envision abstinence-only-education proponents think will happen if our children are provided abstinence-only education:

 

Setting: A group of pubescent boys in Bobby's parents' basement (having all been taught in an abstinence-only program)

 

Bobby: "Look what I have..." ::holds up a condom::

 

Billy: "What is that? A balloon? Can you make a balloon animal? Ooh! I know, make the Taco Bell dog!"

 

Bobby: "Nooo... It's not a balloon. It's a condom."

 

Joey: "A condom? What's that?"

 

Billy: "I'm telling you, it's a balloon! Blow it up already, Bobby!"

 

Bobby: "Billy, for the last time, it's not a balloon!"

 

Billy: "Okay, so what do you do with it? Do you put it on something?"

 

Joey: "Do you put it on your finger? Can you put it on your head? Or put it on the door?"

 

Bobby: "You can, but that's not what it's actually for. You're supposed to put it on your penis."

 

Jimmy: "Penis? What's that?"

 

Bobby: "You know - that thing between your legs you use to go to the bathroom..."

 

Jimmy: "Oh, yeah - I knew that..."

 

Bobby: "No you didn't. Anyway, so this condom goes on your penis when you want to stick it in stuff."

 

Joey: "Stuff? Like what?"

 

Bobby: "Sex, I think it's called. I'm not sure. I heard it on a soap opera my mom was watching one time."

 

Billy: "Have you tried it out yet? What do you have sex with?"

 

Bobby: "Wherever you can find a hole, I think."

 

Jimmy: "Awesome! So, what are you waiting for? Give it a try!"

 

Bobby: "Yeah, but with what?"

 

Joey: "I know! Let me grab a toilet-paper roll!"

 

Billy: "Let me find a hole in the wall!"

 

Bobby: "Alright, guys. I'll try this out, but you all have to turn around while I do it. No peeking! Deal?"

 

All the other boys: "Deal!"

 

Bobby: "Okay, here we go..." ::puts on the condom and tries it out with the toilet-paper roll:: "Huh, that's kind of weird..."

 

Jimmy: "Weird? How so?"

 

Bobby: "I don't know. I just don't see what the big deal is. If this is sex, I don't know why those soap opera people were making it sound so good."

 

Billy: "Put it in the hole in the wall now! Maybe that will be better!"

 

Bobby: "Alright..." ::goes to town with the hole in the wall:: "Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!"

 

Joey: "What's going on, Bobby? Does it feel good?"

 

Bobby: "Ow! This hurts! Sex sucks! I'm never having sex again! Let's do something else. Let's go find some girls and make out with them..."

 

The next piece is entitled, “Is the 37^th time the charm?,” and can be found on pages 69 through 72.

 

Is the 37th time the charm?

If at first you don't succeed, try 35 more times without success, and then try again. That has been the Republican mindset in the House of Representatives regarding Obamacare.

 

In mid-May of this year, the Republican-controlled House voted to repeal Obamacare for the 37^th time. Considering Democrats control the Senate by a 55-45 margin and the president is a Democrat who signed the bill into law, there's less chance for the bill to be repealed prior to 2016 than there is of a marijuana smoker saying he felt a sudden burst of energy after smoking a bong while listening to the Grateful Dead.

 

So why on earth did Republicans feel the need to vote for a 37th repeal of the healthcare reform law?

 

House Speaker John Boehner answered that question as follows:

 

"We've got 70 new members who have not had the opportunity to vote on the president's health care law. Frankly, they've been asking for an opportunity to vote on it, and we're going to give it to them."

 

Well, isn't that sweet? In the meantime, Boehner and the Republican House are wasting their time and an estimated total of $53.8 million of tax payers' money on these 37 votes.

 

Do Republican members of the House seriously believe that the Democratic-controlled Senate is going to follow their lead and vote to repeal the bill as well, and that President Obama is going to finalize the matter by repealing Obamacare?

 

Also, with regard to the 70 new members of the House to whom Boehner was referring in his statement, do aspiring Republican politicians all across the country go through this following thought process when running their campaigns?

 

"I really want to make a difference in this country. I want to be a positive influence on the younger generation. I want to make my friends and family proud. How do I go about that, though? Creating jobs? No. I'd have a job, so why would I need to create others? Come on - think! What can I do? Oh, I've got it! I can vote against Obamacare and try to take health insurance away from millions! That would be the most positive, helpful, difference-making move of all!"

 

What if these Republican members of the House held a similar philosophy in other areas of their lives?

 

Situation: Calling someone (and leaving messages)

 

GOP House member: "Hey again. It's me, again... I think this is the 37th time I've called today. Gosh, I miss you. I know we just met at the bar the other night, but I can't stop thinking about you, and..."

 

Woman picks up the phone: "LEAVE ME ALONE!!!" ::click::

 

 

Situation: Ordering food at a Kentucky Fried Chicken

 

GOP House member: "Yes, I'd like the filet mignon, please, and I'd like that medium-rare. Thanks."

 

KFC employee: "I'm sorry, sir. We don't have that on the menu. Please look at the menu again and order off that."

 

GOP House member: "What? You don't know what you're talking about. I want a filet mignon and I'm going to get a filet mignon. I'd like that medium-rare."

 

KFC employee: "Sir, this is a Kentucky Fried Chicken. We don't offer steak here."

 

GOP House member: "I don't care what you're called! Now, I'm starting to lose my patience! Give me a damn filet mignon, medium-rare!"

 

KFC employee: "Would you like me to get my manager?"

 

GOP House member: "Yes, I would."

 

KFC manager: "Is there a problem, sir?"

 

GOP House member: "Look, I came here for a filet mignon. I asked what's-his-name for a filet mignon several times and he won't give me a filet mignon. I came here for a filet mignon! I'm going to get a filet mignon!"

 

KFC manager: "I'm sorry, sir, but that's not going to happen. We are a restaurant that specializes in chicken, hence the name. We don't serve steak here. Might I suggest you try the Outback Steakhouse across the street. From what I hear, they do serve steak there..."

 

GOP House member: "I can sit here all day if you want. I've got nothing better to do. I'll ask you 37 times for a filet mignon if I have to!"

 

KFC manager: "Sir, you're going to have to leave. I'll call the cops unless you leave in the next ten seconds."

 

GOP House member: "Whatever. I'll just give Pizza Hut a try. I'm sure they serve steak over there."

 

KFC manager: "You're not going to..."

 

GOP House member: "What?"

 

KFC manager: "Oh, nothing. Best of luck over there."

 

 

Situation: Proposing

 

GOP House member: "You know I love you, right?"

 

Woman: "Yes, I know..."

 

GOP House member: "What I'm trying to say is, will you marry me?"

 

Woman: "NO! For the 37th time, no! You're not supposed to even be talking to me right now! I placed that restraining order against you after the 6th time you asked me to marry you! How in the world could you possibly think that after rejecting you 36 times, I'd magically say yes the 37th time? What, are you stupid or something?"

 

GOP House member: "No, just in love. Love blinds us all."

 

Woman: "I'll blind you with Mace if you ever get near me again! Goodbye!"

 

This piece is titled, “The story of Buster Magnum – a felon without a job or Sudafed, but with plenty of guns,” and can be found on pages 124 through 126.

 

The story of Buster Magnum - a felon without a job or Sudafed, but with plenty of guns

Main character: Buster Magnum, who just got out of jail for committing gun- and Meth-related crimes

 

Setting: A pharmacy

 

Buster Magnum: "Hey, I'd like to get some Sudafed please."

 

Pharmacist Cindy Chu: "I'll need to see some ID."

 

Magnum: "ID? I don't have any ID. I just got out of jail and have really bad, um, allergies."

 

Chu: "I'm sorry, sir, but I won't be able to provide you with any Sudafed until you show me some ID."

 

 

Setting: A job interview to become a greeter at Wal-Mart

 

Interviewer Chip Filet: "Good afternoon, Mr. Magnum. So, tell me, what interested you in this position?"

 

Magnum: "I just got out of jail. I need a job. I thought even with my history, I could get this job."

 

Filet: "I see... So, if I may ask, what were you in jail for?"

 

Magnum: "I had a Meth lab in my grandma's garage. I did a lot of that stuff, and sold it too. When I was high on it one time, I just busted out a couple of my Magnums and killed some people. Drugs will mess you up, man."

 

Filet: "I see. When's the last time you've done drugs?"

 

Magnum: "This morning."

 

Filet: "Well, Mr. Magnum, while I believe in second chances, I honestly don't think this is the place for you."

 

Magnum: "What? Are you serious? I'm gonna..."

 

Filet: "SECURITY!"

 

 

Setting: A gun show in Hicktown, KY

 

Gun dealer Jimmy Bobo: "Whatcha lookin' for?"

 

Magnum: "Guns!"

 

Bobo: "Well, you came to the right place! What kind of guns are you thinking about getting?"

 

Magnum: "Some Magnums and assault rifles"

 

Bobo: "Well, I have plenty of those. Here are the Magnums over here and the assault rifles are just a little past those."

 

Magnum: "Beautiful"

 

Bobo: "I know. Aren't they? So, how many would you like to buy today?"

 

Magnum: "What's the limit?"

 

Bobo: "There's no limit! Buy as many as you'd like."

 

Magnum: "Crap. I forgot my ID. I..."

 

Bobo: "Don't worry about that. Why on earth would we do a background check?"

 

Magnum: "I know, right?" ::laughs::

 

The final excerpt I’ll be sharing comes on pages 126 through 129, and is called, “The day the NRA RAN from the press.”

 

 

The day the NRA RAN from the press

Setting: A press conference with the NRA's president somewhere in Texas

 

NRA President: "Thank you all for coming today. I'll be open to any and all questions. Who wants to start? Okay, yes, you over there with USA Today..."

 

USA Today reporter: "You've gone on the record as saying that regardless of the gun laws, people are going to break them, so there's no point in having gun laws. Is that correct?"

 

NRA President: "Yes, that is correct. Look, we have drug laws and people are still snorting coke and crap like that, right? So what's the point in having gun laws, you know?"

 

USA Today reporter: "So, if one person breaks a drug or gun law, this proves the law isn't at all effective and won’t prevent some people from committing such crimes?"

 

NRA President: "Uh, yeah, sure"

 

USA Today reporter: "So, unless 100% of drug and gun-related crimes can be prevented with law, then there's no point in having such laws?"

 

NRA President: "I guess. Okay, I'm done with you. Let's go over here with the Washington Times..."

 

Washington Times reporter: "What about robberies? Since robberies are still committed, does that mean we shouldn't have any laws to prevent such crimes? Like with guns and drugs, should robberies be legal as well?"

 

NRA President: "I never said drugs should be legal..."

 

Washington Times reporter: "You said, and I quote, 'Look, we have drug laws and people are still snorting coke and crap like that, right? So what's the point in having gun laws, you know?," insinuating that like with guns, since drug laws are broken, there's no point in having any gun laws. In other words, with this logic, drugs, like guns, should be legal, correct?"

 

NRA President: "Oh yeah. Yeah, that's exactly right!"

 

Washington Times reporter: "Okay, so what about robberies? Should they be legal as well, since robberies are still committed?"

 

NRA President: "Well..."

 

Washington Times reporter: "Well, what?"

 

NRA President: "I'll have to think that one over. You're asking some tough questions today. Okay, over to The New York Times..."

 

New York Times reporter: "Since murders are still committed, should murder still be illegal?"

 

NRA President: "Of course it should still be illegal! What kind of stupid question is that?"

 

New York Times reporter: "I'm just trying to follow your line of thinking. You said there should be no drug or gun laws, because people still break them. You said you weren't certain if there should be any laws on robbery, since those still occur. Now you're saying murder should still be illegal, even though it happens on a daily basis, and often times with guns as the culprit. Is that correct?"

 

NRA President: "Look, I don't know! I'll have to look at my notes! All I know is guns don't kill people; people kill people! Next... Yes, you over there with the Washington Post..."

 

Washington Post reporter: "So, can a person shoot and kill another without a gun?"

 

NRA President: "No! What are you getting at?"

 

Washington Post reporter: "So, if that's the case, wouldn't the gun be at least partially responsible for such murders?"

 

NRA President: "Guns don't kill people; people kill people!"

 

Washington Post reporter: "Yes, I heard you the first time. But in such murders, you also said that a person couldn't shoot and kill another without a gun. Correct?"

 

NRA President: "Yeah! So?!?"

 

Washington Post reporter: "So, you in essence just admitted that, in a way, guns do kill people. Correct?"

 

NRA President: "Never! You liberals need to cut it out with your gotcha questions! Alright, I'll take one more question! You, in front, with Yahoo..."

 

Yahoo reporter: "So, since you basically admitted that guns do, in a way, kill people, and said that murder should still be illegal, do you still not believe in gun laws?"

 

NRA President: "Look, I never said guns kill people! I just admitted that in order for a person to shoot and kill another, a gun has to be used. But, you see, the gun doesn't go off by itself. A person has to pull the trigger. Even though he wouldn't be able to kill a person in that same manner with any other weapon, doesn't mean that guns kill! Okay, you got that?"

 

Yahoo reporter: "So, what you're saying is that guns aren't the problem, people are?"

 

NRA President: "That's exactly what I'm saying! Someone finally gets it! Thank you!"

 

Yahoo reporter: "Okay, so does that mean you'd be in favor of laws preventing certain people from purchasing guns, or at least making it more difficult for them to purchase guns? Wouldn't these laws revolve more around people than guns? Wouldn't expanding background checks pertain to the potential buyer - the person - and not the gun he would be buying?"

 

NRA President: "Guns don't kill people; people kill people!"

 

Yahoo reporter: "That's exactly what I'm saying. So, does that mean you would be in favor of some guns laws preventing dangerous individuals from obtaining firearms?"

 

NRA President: "I don't know! No further questions!"

 

Washington Times reporter: "Have you made up your mind yet on whether or not robberies should be legal?"

 

NRA President: "I said no further questions!"

 

New York Times reporter: "Are you standing by your statement that murder should be illegal, even if guns are at least partially responsible for the crime?"

 

NRA President: "No further questions!"

 

Yahoo reporter: "Are you mentally stable?"

 

NRA President: "For the last freaking time, no further questions!"

 

The book can be purchased on paperback for $12.50 on Lulu and on Kindle for $3.99 on Amazon. If you have any questions on the book, don’t hesitate to ask.

 

That’s it for today’s episode. Until next time, you can check me out on PodBean, Twitter, Amazon, and Blogger. This has been I Feel Snitty, with Craig Rozniecki. Take care.