Transcript for Podcast: "I Feel Snitty," Episode 144: "Take a Look, It's in My Book, It's a Reading Promo - Part 14" is now available!

Podcast: I Feel Snitty

Episode 144: Take a Look, It's in My Book, It's a Reading Promo - Part 14

Premiere Date: 5/5/21 

Length: 8:09 (1,269 words)

Link: https://ifeelsnitty.podbean.com/e/take-a-look-its-in-my-book-its-a-reading-promo-part-14/

Transcript: 

Welcome to I Feel Snitty, episode 144, entitled, “Take a Look, It’s in My Book, It’s a Reading Promo – Part 14.” I’m your host, Craig Rozniecki.

 

In 2017, I decided to expand my literary horizons, by releasing two new books – both of which went different directions than I had traveled previously.

 

The first such book is a short political satire, which satirizes the 2016 presidential election, and is called, The Art of the Steal: How a Chump Became School President.

 

At least when it comes to this book, size apparently doesn’t matter, for I’d venture to guess, of all 19 books, this is my fan favorite.

 

Since this book is different from the rest that I’ve shared to this point, as it tells a single story, I will read the first two chapters of it.

 

Chapter 1 - A Yuge Idea

“Is it true that bitch is running for school president?” asked an irritated Ronald Chump, freshman at Bigly High School in Mar-a-Lago, Florida.

 

His best friend, Paul Dumbledore, responded, “What bitch?”

 

Chump, as he was notorious for, had trouble specifying on the matter, replying, “You know, that one bitch.”

 

Dumbledore, wearing a perplexed expression like that of a caveman when introduced to a smartphone, decided to play along, and said, “Oh, that bitch. Yeah, she’s running for school president,” hoping his friend would thereby lend some clues to help him solve the puzzle.

 

“I thought so,” remarked Chump. “You hear what she might have said about me that one time?”

 

“No, what’d she say?” Dumbledore curiously inquired.

 

Chump continued, “Well, I heard from this one guy in my social studies class who heard from a guy in his gym class who heard from the cafeteria lady who dreamt that this bitch said I was a ‘stupid nerd’! Can you believe that shit? You know what I’m gonna do? I’m gonna show her who’s boss, run against her, and beat her, bigly!”

 

“Are you serious?” a shocked Dumbledore asked.

 

Chump: “Hell yeah! No one calls me a ‘stupid nerd’! If anyone’s a ‘stupid nerd,’ it’s her, believe me! Wanna be my campaign manager guy thing deal?”

 

“Yeah, sure,” Dumbledore hesitatingly said, still uncertain who the “bitch” was. “So, have any ideas? Thought of a slogan or anything?”

 

“Not yet. How about you?”

 

“What about something simple and catchy, like, ‘Make Schools Great Again’ or something like that?” suggested Dumbledore.

 

“What the hell kind of shit is that?” asked Chump. “That’s stupid! Who on earth would think that’s a good idea?”

 

“It was just a suggestion,” the campaign manager said in response, beginning to regret his decision to aid his friend’s seemingly random aspiration.

 

“What about something like, ‘You’ve gotta fight for your right to party?’”

 

“Isn’t that a Beastie Boys song?” asked Dumbledore.

 

“I don’t know. How about ‘Smells Like Teen Spirit?’” Chump continued.

 

“Isn’t that a Nirvana song? Are you just naming songs or lyrics you’ve heard before?”

 

“No, of course not. Wait, how about, ‘I like big butts?’”

 

“Sweet dear baby Jesus! No!” Dumbledore replied adamantly.

 

“Okay, okay. I got it! This one is perfect! ‘We Don’t Need No Education!’ Boom!”

 

“Have you heard of Pink Floyd?”

 

“No. What’s that? A queer commie dude?”

 

“Forget it. Okay, we’ll go with that,” replied Dumbledore, as he rolled his eyes so far back into his head, Linda Blair was about to call 9-1-1.

 

“Okay, so that’s it. ‘We Don’t Need No Education! Vote Ronald Chump!’ How’s that sound, my good friend?”

 

“It’s, it’s something all right,” Dumbledore responded, stuttering in the process, trying not to allow the odor of his bullshit to become too strong. “So the next thing we’re going to need to think about is, ‘How do we win?’”

 

At this, Chump smirked and said, “Oh, let’s not worry about that just yet. I’ve already got that figured out. This nerdy Asian kid owes me. He’ll help us do it. What else are they good for, right?”

 

“Isn’t that a little racist?” replied Dumbledore.

 

“No, not racist, just specific.”

 

While this was far from the last time Ronald Chump would display signs of racism, it may very well have been the last time he said anything specific.

 

 

Chapter 2 - The $1,000 Allowance

Throughout his first 14 years, Ronald Chump always seemed to be a little different than all the other kids. No matter the day or whether he was right or wrong, he always seemed to get his way. It started since birth…

 

“…and it’s a boy! Congratulations!” exclaimed Dr. Shitzgibbons.

 

Full of life and joy, yet relief, Ronald’s mother Carrie paused for a moment and asked, “What’s that in his mouth?”

 

Chuckling a little at the inquiry, the doctor responded, “That’s a silver spoon, dear.”

 

From that day forward, things always seemed to come fairly easy to little Ronald, not because he was brighter than everyone around him, but because his father was the richest man in the world.

 

“Did you do your chores for the week, Ronald?” asked his father, Jed.

 

“Yes, I told the maid to clean my room.”

 

“Ha! That’s my boy! Okay, here’s your allowance for the week then - $1,000.”

 

The 7-year-old Ronald was always happy to receive his weekly payout, but given the fact he had saved over $30,000 because of them, he had slowly become desensitized to the money and sought more.

 

“So, what would you like for Christmas this year, little one?” Santa Claus asked Ronald cheerfully.

 

Pausing for just a moment, the 9-year-old Chump responded, “A Lexus.”

 

“Oh, but you’re not old enough to drive a car.”

 

“Not yet, but I will be some day,” replied Ronald.

 

“Sure, sure, so what else would you like?”

 

“A beach house in Maui.”

 

“What about a toy truck? A bicycle? Or a football? Would you like that?”

 

“Toys are stupid, you have to do work yourself on a bike, and my hands aren’t big enough for a football!” said Ronald, beginning to lose his cool.

 

“How about a Red Ryder BB Gun?”

 

“I might shoot my eye out.”

 

“Yes, I know. Okay, off you go! Merry Christmas! Ho! Ho! Ho!”

 

It reached a point where, by the time Ronald was 10, his friends stopped giving him presents at his birthday parties.

 

Ronald: “What’s this?”

 

Pete Cannon: “A baseball glove”

 

Ronald: “Stupid! Next?”

 

Kathy Lieaway: “Here you go…”

 

Ronald: “Really? $20? Hey, mom! Where’s the rest of the toilet paper?!? Next?”

 

Ken Arson: “Ronnie, I got this for you. I hope you like it.”

 

Ronald: “A gift certificate for the best, most beautiful chocolate cake in the world. What the hell, man? I’ve already found the best, most beautiful chocolate cake in the world, and it was at a 7/11!”

 

Whether it was money, gifts, house work, or his grades at school, Ronald Chump had everything handed to him through his first 14 years in life. From getting $1,000 for asking the house maid to clean his room to being promised a Lexus on his 16th birthday to receiving straight “A’s” due to his father guaranteeing the school principal a big return on his investment in Chump University, Ronald had been handed everything to this point in life, but was still left unsatisfied, and now is running for school president.

 

The book can be purchased on paperback for $6.50 on Lulu and on Kindle for $2.99 on Amazon. If you have any questions on the book, don’t hesitate to ask.

 

That’s it for today’s episode. Until next time, you can check me out on PodBean, Twitter, Amazon, and Blogger. This has been I Feel Snitty, with Craig Rozniecki. Take care.