Transcript for Podcast: "I Feel Snitty," Episode 132: "Take a Look, It's in My Book, It's a Reading Promo - Part 2" is now available!

Podcast: I Feel Snitty

Episode 132: Take a Look, It's in My Book, It's a Reading Promo - Part 2

Premiere Date: 5/5/21

Length: 18:49 (3,322 words)

Link: https://ifeelsnitty.podbean.com/e/take-a-look-its-in-my-book-its-a-reading-promo-part-2/

Transcript:

Welcome to I Feel Snitty, episode 132, entitled, “Take a Look, It’s in My Book, It’s a Reading Promo – Part 2.” I’m your host, Craig Rozniecki.

 

As I noted in the previous episode, I’ll be sharing excerpts from all of my books. That book in today’s episode will be my 2007 work, entitled, The Serious Scale of Sarcasm: More Balanced Than a Drunken High-Heeled Clown On a Tight Rope. This was my second and final book written while I lived in Nebraska. As I was going through a big move to Ohio, I was unable to market this one quite as well as I was able to market my first book. Regardless, I received positive feedback on my shift in direction, as I went from poetry to short stories and comedy.

 

Like I noted with Seasons Come, People Grow, I have mixed feelings about this book as well. I was 26 at the time of its writing, and was still regularly discovering more about myself – who I was and what I believed, and evolving as a result. So, when I reread some of these works today, I simultaneously cringe and laugh, as I think to myself, “Gosh, I really thought that 14 years ago?” Regardless, no matter how much I’ve evolved in the past decade and a half, this book was kind of the stepping-stone for much of my later work. In it, I began to find my political and satirical voice, and who knows where I’d be today without it? So, again, while this would quite possibly be the last book I’d recommend to prospective readers of mine, it’ll always mean something to me. It was also the second, and quite possibly last book cover my mother created for me, which makes it one of my personal favorites – as far as covers go anyway.

 

I will now share 5 excerpts from the book. Here we go.

 

This first writing can be found on pages 75 and 76, and is entitled, “Top Ten Things Guys Don’t Want to Hear On a First Date.”

 

Top Ten Things Guys Don't Want to Hear On a First Date

10. "Don't be freaked out, but I stalked a guy once! It wasn't a big deal or anything, but,

well, I guess he put a restraining order against me. This happened 2 weeks ago."

9. "I have an idea. Let's go to dinner and then go to my parents' place, so you can meet

them. They're going to love you!"

8. "I've never dated a straight guy before."

7. "I went to this party last night and saw this guy that was so hot! I mean, you have no

idea! It's not like you'd know or anything, right? Anyway, about this guy..."

6. "You look like a celebrity. I can't think of his name. Oh yeah, Lyle Lovett!"

5. "Have you found Jesus?"

4. "What do you want to name our kids?"

3. "So, when we get married..."

2. "You remind me so much of my mother."

1. (drum roll) "I love you!"

 

The next writing is entitled, “Got E.D.?,” and is on page 78.

 

Got E.D.?

We can't say it, can we guys? It's now even being abbreviated on commercials, because we can't deal with it.

 

Have E.D.? Cialis may be right for you. Potential side effects are: heart burn, liver

cancer, heart attack, suffocation, loss of blood, and death. In extreme cases, fellas may

get permanent boners. If that is the case, seek medical attention immediately.

 

That's right, E.D. is the shortened version for Erectile Dysfunction. Guys just can't say it,

can they? "Hey baby, I have erectile dysfunction. That's right; but I'm on Cialis, so all is

well." No, it's, "I had a problem with E.D., but thanks to Cialis, things are going great

again. My wife is happy. I'm happy. All thanks to Cialis."

 

I'm tired of the euphemistic jargon and sugar-coating. Just say it. They need to come out with a blunt version of commercials like these.

 

"You know, I keep trying, trying, and trying. My wife is getting frustrated with me.

Why? Because, I can't get it up. We've looked into Kama Sutra, toys, anything and

everything you could possibly think of, but I just can't maintain an erection. It just goes

limp on me. It's embarrassing. I just don't feel like a man anymore. I'm afraid that

because I can't get it up, my wife is going to head elsewhere for sexual satisfaction. But,

now, my worries are over, because I've found Cialis. I can get it up any time and every

time with Cialis. Yeah, I look a little funny walking around the grocery store with an

obvious erection staring straight up at me for four to five hours, but it's all worth it,

because now my wife is happy and I don't have to worry about her going elsewhere.

Thanks Cialis!"

 

Now, that'd be a lot more informative than just referring to the situation as E.D. I hope

they read my blog someday and come out with a better and more comedic effort next

time. I won't get my hopes up (pun intended), but I'll be keeping my eyes and ears open

for Cialis, Levitra, and Viagra commercials.

 

The next excerpt is on pages 81 and 82, and is entitled, “Top Ten Post-Presidential Jobs For George W. Bush.”

 

Top Ten Post-Presidential Jobs For George W. Bush

10. Professional pretzel taste-tester.

9. Philosopher with the newfound theory, "You're either with me or against me!"

8. A cast member on Survivor, finding a way to rig the vote, so that he's not voted off the

island.

7. Follow in O.J.'s footsteps in his lifelong quest of finding the killer and make it his

lifelong quest to find weapons of mass destruction in Iraq.

6. Horse trainer (with possible promotion to head of FEMA)

5. Owner of the Houston Astros, trading away pitchers: Roger Clemens, Roy Oswalt,

Andy Pettitte, and Brad Lidge for some top-of-the-line (pun intended) coke.

4. Author the book, A Dummy's Guide to Becoming President.

3. Along with conservative buddy Bill O'Reilly, create a 900 hotline, called Hot and

'Nuculur'.

2. Become founder and president of AOL (America Online) rival, AWOL.

1. (drum roll) Open a new national chain of restaurants, called Barbecue Bush.

 

This next writing I’ll be sharing is titled, “Naming them ‘God’ and ‘Devil’ was quite clever,” and is on pages 182 and 183.

 

Naming them “God” and “Devil” was quite clever

Ever wonder what God's real name is? I do sometimes, because I'm a geek like that. It

can't just be "God," right? And if there is an evil being in what we want to refer to as hell,

his or her real name can't just be the "Devil," right? That'd be like me telling a kid a story

about some leader named Marvelos, toppling the evil ruler named Bad.

 

"And King Marvelos went to Ruler Bad and said to him, 'You're bad, and you know it!

It's time that you pay for all your wrongdoings!’" King Marvelos did just that, defeated

the evil ruler, and went on to create the world as we see it today.

 

Just look at the spellings. If you add one "o" in God, what do you have? Good. That

would make for a catchy phrase or song. Wait a minute! That is a hymn!

 

"God is so good.

God is so good.

God is so good.

He's so good to me."

 

Hey, that's clever. If you sing that enough, it'll be implanted in your brain and whenever

you see or hear the word "God," you'll be likely to associate that with "good."

 

On the opposite side of the spectrum, just look at the word "Devil." No, look at it closer,

"dEVIL." See it now? Heck, if you want to fiddle with it more, you have the word evil

and if you reverse the word, you have lived. So, with the devil, evil lived. Again, just by

looking at or hearing the word, you easily start associating that with evil.

 

It's a very clever way to market the material. But, what are their real names? Billie Bob

and Preston? Julius and Adolf? Lucy and The Wicked Witch? Shaquille and Kobe? Mick and Bubba? I just want to know. It can't just be "God" and "Devil." We can call them

gods and devils if we so wish, but that doesn't make it their name. Just because we're a

certain gender, part of a particular background, or hold a certain job, that doesn't translate to being our name:

 

"Hey mail-guy!"

 

"Hey newspaper person!"

 

"What's going on there dog trainer?"

 

"How you doin' old lady?"

 

"How's life, person?"

 

No, that just doesn't sound right. I'd never appreciate being called a name, because of an occupation I held, because of my background, gender, or what have you. Perhaps this "God" and "Devil" feel the same way. Maybe they're ticked off that we don't call them by their real name. Marketing wouldn't be as easy, but word has already spread all over the world, so, what's the big deal anymore? Let's show some respect and refer to these people by their real names. The only question now is, what are their real names?

 

The final excerpt I’ll be sharing with you today can be found on pages 213 through 217, and is entitled, “Ten Ways to Improve Christmas.”

 

Ten Ways to Improve Christmas

Christmas is now over and I don't know if it's due to me growing up or if it's actually the

truth, but Christmas seems to be getting less and less exciting every year. It was the most exciting time when we were kids. We'd leave milk and a cookie on the table for Santa when he stopped by. We swore that we'd wait up all night to see him. The next morning, we were amazed at all the presents that suddenly appeared beneath the tree. By and large, we were also very impressed by Santa's knowledge in knowing exactly what we wanted. There are always exceptions, though. Santa did have a slight case of 'sometimers' disease, I like to call it. But then we found out the truth to the story and lost a bit of that childish naiveté' and excitement to the holiday.

 

But I remained excited for every December 25th up until I was about 15 years old. I liked the opening presents part of it and looking into my stocking, only to find my favorite

candies and chocolates. But, since I was 15, the Christmas season has seemed to lose a bit of its luster, has seemed to be the same thing year in and year out and I just recently thought, hey, maybe that's why not as many people are putting up lights, not as many people are getting excited for the holiday, and why there's more stress and worry than excitement and joy. So, I've thought up ten ways to hopefully instill that excitement and joy back into the Christmas season.

 

1. Songs- Can't we stop listening to the same songs 100 times in a month each and every year? By the time December is over, many reach the point of insanity from hearing Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer for the 123rd time. Not only do you hear these things over and over and over again through the course of a single day, the songs have a way of getting stuck inside your head. So, all throughout the day, I find myself humming, singing outwardly or inwardly or attempting to whistle one of these songs. Isn't it time to come up with something new? Look at every major musical or comedic act. When a band comes out with a new album, they don't just play old songs and basically play the same set they played five years prior at the same venue. No, they play some of their newer stuff, play some of the old classics, and perhaps some of their personal favorites. That's what keeps fans coming to the shows and what keeps them interested. During the Christmas season, sure, you can play Chestnuts Roasting On an Open Fire 21 times, but balance the old classics with the newer songs, so that people don't go crazy.

 

2. Trees- Maybe this is just me, since my family has had the same artificial tree for as

long as I can remember, but just like the songs, it seems very old and worn. So, I say, let's experiment with some new shrubbery. What about bushes? Decorating the giant tree in the front yard with ornaments? Decorating the exterior of the house with ornaments? Why does it have to be the same old tree year in and year out? Why can't we try something different and see what happens?

 

3. Stories- Santa Claus and his reindeer? That story is getting a bit old. I am now 24 years old and I have never met this Santa Claus character. Yeah, I met plenty of his helpers at the mall, but never the true Santa Claus. I've never even seen his reindeer and why is the Red-Nosed one, Rudolph, always so special? Where'd that come from? Was Rudolph just an experiment in a scientific lab and became the hybrid of Prancer and a Christmas light? Let's think up something else. Heck, we can have a yearly change. One year can be year of the Santa. The following year can be year of Elmer the Emu. The third year can be year of Donald the Duck-Billed Platypus. Then every Christmas, we can have a parade with all the icons of each and every Christmas. With this, we'd have changes in songs and movies. We'd have to. We couldn't just keep playing the ones of Santa. We'd have to start in on Elmer the Emu and Donald the Duck-Billed Platypus. People could start in on collections, and no longer would it just be about that jolly big guy wearing a bunch of red and white. People who are into collectibles could load up on different characters and stories each and every year.

 

4. Booze- We need to think of a new traditional drink to eggnog. I know some people like it and that's fine, but for those who can't stand the stuff, we need to find something

different. Also, we need not be ashamed to down some booze over the holidays. Family is wonderful. I love family. But, there are always a couple people who make you want to

scream. Yeah, you probably know who I'm talking about... So, when these times come

about, be prepared! Make sure you're loaded with the goodies and be ready to take a few sips whenever needed.

 

5. Legalize Pot for a Day- Yeah, I know, pretty extreme, eh? I don't know about that. Pot

is being legalized medicinally in more parts of the world and come on now. Haven't you

ever wondered how silly your grandparents or parents would look after they've smoked a little bit of ganja? I've known people who've smoked this stuff and what did they all have in common? Especially right after doing it? They were all silly, relaxed; they laughed at everything, and could eat for five hours non-stop if you continually put food in front of their faces. So, what better time for it to be legal than this day? Putting family in a relaxing state-of-mind, making them more apt to laugh as opposed to create drama, and giving them more reason to eat all that was cooked. No plate would have any food on it, I can guarantee that!

 

6. Travel Resorts/Destinations- Just like we could make every year a different story, we

could do likewise with where to celebrate that story. We'd have to divide it up in regions,

so that one area of the country wasn't too crowded. But, this could give families a chance to see more of the country, meet new people, and celebrate the holiday in a way they never had before. People in the western part of the country could celebrate it one year in Phoenix, then San Francisco, Salt Lake City, Las Vegas, Seattle. It'd give families more of a reason to travel and it wouldn't be the same atmosphere every year at your parents' or grandparents' place. It'd provide something new and exciting for everyone involved.

 

7. Bars- In case that 'legalizing pot for a day' idea doesn't follow through, we have to

make sure all bars are open and all night! We'd then have to make it tradition, that after

dinner; some members of the family take off for the bar(s). With family gatherings, there

comes joy, but there also comes tension and drama. What cures all that? Going to the bar, killing off brain cells with family members and friends through drinking alcoholic

beverages and watching sports. The parts of the family, who were about to get into an all out brawl, can cool off at different places. One can cool off at home and the other can

cool off at a bar. Or both parties could cool off at separate bars, although, that could

create a problem if they were both to come back and stay at the same place later on that evening. Dogs are a man's best friend when alone. Bars are a man's best friend when with family.

 

8. Year-round Shopping- Got to love it...as time draws nearer and nearer to Christmas

Day, you'll start seeing parking lots at the malls and other shopping centers packed so

full, that you have to park a couple miles over and take a bus to wherever you want to go. Why is this? Well, when do you think the best deals are for Christmas shopping? And when do we find out what the hot gift item is for that year? Near Christmas. So, enough of that. Let's let people know the hot items all year-round. Let's give them deals for those items. Let's let families relax during the holiday, as opposed to stressing 24/7 about finding a certain gift that everyone else is looking for, and not being able to find a

parking spot for an hour while driving around in the parking lot.

 

9. New Movies- There are some classic Christmas films, just as there are classic

Christmas songs. But, let's come up with some newbie classics. The movie, A Christmas Story, was shown for 24 consecutive hours from late Christmas Eve through Christmas Day on TBS. Give me a break. 24 hours? So, they showed the movie twelve times that day? A Wonderful Life, is another holiday favorite. One problem is the new Christmas movies have been anything, but classics. Just look at The Santa Clause, Christmas with the Kranks, and Surviving Christmas. No, no, and no again. So, if anyone has the time and wit, please write a script for a Christmas film that will be a new classic.

 

10. TV Specials- There was that Jessica Simpson and Nick Lachey joke special a couple years ago. Every special I've seen has been anything but...special. Maybe they're awful, because it's the same thing being reiterated every single year. New storylines, like Elmer the Emu. New songs. New classic films. New exciting traditions. These could all spice up these TV specials and give them more options for their presentation.

I do hope everyone had a great holiday season, got to spend time with family, got to drink a bit to get away from family, got to eat a scrumptious meal, and got wonderful gifts from Elmer the Emu.

 

The book can only be purchased on paperback for the time being. It’s available for $22.80 on Lulu. If you have any questions on the book, don’t hesitate to ask.

 

That’s it for today’s episode. Until next time, you can check me out on PodBean, Twitter, Amazon, and Blogger. This has been I Feel Snitty, with Craig Rozniecki. Take care.